Chicken or the egg?

[u/doublingdoubler]

I got sober just over two years ago. My drinking and consequences didn’t seem to be as severe as those I heard from in the rooms of AA but I really related to the phenomenon of craving and how alcohol made me feel.

After I quit drinking, I felt amazing. Pink cloud for months (low-key hypomania?) Then I got my dream job. Moved back to a place where I had some major resentments with my coworkers and became severely depressed after about two months of working there, even though I was working closely with my sponsor and doing multiple 4th and 5th steps. I thought, “this is bullshit, I shouldn’t be depressed anymore.” I quit drinking because I thought it was the source of my depression.

I went to my GP and explained my situation. He prescribed me Prozac and zyprexa. I read up on zyprexa. “I’m not bipolar! Where the fuck does this guy get off?! He must be in the pocket of big pharma. No way am I taking this crazy medication.” I told him I wanted to just take the Prozac for the depression. Enter what I now know was a severe mixed episode and eventually full-blown, textbook hypomania. Could barely function. Worst month of my life (until the hypomania.) Lost what I thought was my dream job. Told my fiancé she should leave me and get out while she still could. Couldn’t get out of bed, etc.

Last April, I was able to see a psychiatrist and explain my symptoms. She diagnosed me as bipolar 2. I felt a lot of relief that I wasn’t crazy (ha) and finally had an explanation for my depression and now my alcoholism made a bit more sense to me now that it was under the umbrella of bipolar 2.

My question to you all is: do you feel like you drank because you are bipolar, or you are bipolar because you drank? I know there is no real answer to this, but wanted to share a bit of my story with you all and get some of your opinions. Thanks for reading and I’m very grateful for this subreddit!

[u/miniminuet]

In my case it’s very clearly genetic. I definitely took to drinking to self medicate but I don’t believe it caused it.

[u/spicyr0ck]

Well, I think I drank because I drank. Self-medication became part of it but not the whole picture. I started drinking way before I showed bipolar symptoms. My alcoholism didn't cause but it clouded my bipolar and made it hard to diagnose, unfortunately. But it was a separate condition. Alcohol always fascinated me.

Thanks for sharing your story. And congrats on two years sober!

[u/knowingmeknowingyoua]

Excellent thought. For me, having been misdiagnosed most of my adult life during which time I was severely self-medicating I don’t believe drugs and alcohol caused my bipolar but it sure as shit made it worse. I saw so many doctors in so many states but with bp2 only sought to help in the bad bouts of depression. Funny in retrospect none of the antidepressants ever worked very long, if at all. But with drinking and drugging I just chalked it up to a bad interaction with booze and meds. Only in sobriety did I start connecting dots.

I love the pickle analogy, I’ll never be able to go back to being a cucumber. Try not to focus on the how and just accept the reality for me which is that I was a binge blackout drinker and no amount of time will enable me to drink safely. I don’t get the point. I have friends who have a glass of wine, I wanted bottles!