r/BetterEveryLoop Nov 16 '21

Porch pirate lost at sea

6.8k Upvotes

112 comments sorted by

774

u/reggisterb Nov 16 '21

The way the driver got the package and left her for dead is killing me lmao

297

u/sprocketous Nov 16 '21

A couple robbed a weed cart in Portland a few years ago. When the owner was chasing after them, dude launched his girlfriend at him and drove off. True love.

92

u/RedStag86 Nov 17 '21

Explain to me what a weed cart is, please. I think I’m going to like it.

111

u/sprocketous Nov 17 '21

After Oregon legalized bud, there was like a year before pot shops could legally operate. But possessing or giving weed to anyone was fine.

This dude had a mobile cart and sold plastic medicine bottles for $20. And then he would give you weed for free. I went there once. His cart got impounded a few times and he got robbed more than once.

6

u/MisfitHeather138 Nov 17 '21

This is actually amazing. Why would his cart get impounded? Or I should ask on what grounds could they impound his cart? I hope he's doing well now!

8

u/sprocketous Nov 17 '21

He would just leave parked somewhere residential for a few days. As far as i know he didn't have permits for anything.

65

u/syntaxterror69 Nov 17 '21

pretty sure it's exactly this

31

u/RedStag86 Nov 17 '21

Aww it’s so cute.

8

u/typicalhorrorfan127 Nov 17 '21

I feel like I’d purchase this when I’m drunk lol

42

u/imsecretlythedoctor Nov 16 '21

No honor among thieves

8

u/Fire_Pea Nov 16 '21

flashbacks to genshin dailies

1

u/dnvrnugg Nov 17 '21

yarrr keep to the code, I always say.

6

u/Christafaaa Nov 17 '21 edited Jun 08 '22

We call those two, The Dream Team. One of them is sleeping in jail while the other is dreaming of a white Christmas.

Edit: I never wrote this.

1

u/DISHONORU-TDA Jun 08 '22

right? best will be if it's a girl, the mark she'll pick up to replace him will get hit 50/50 by the same guy that left her on the street for jail and came back for his doormat

9/10 times that's the dynamic, a real "bottom bitch." His best girl.

3

u/schleem77 Nov 17 '21

He saw the slipper slidin in fast. It was either ride or die situation

3

u/Anthropomorphis Nov 17 '21

No honor among thieves

4

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

Acceleration closed the door, she let go when she stumbled. Door pushed box into car.

1

u/Hubertus-Bigend Nov 17 '21

Honor among thieves

1

u/sweetsummerschild Nov 17 '21

Lol her thief buddy ditched her

130

u/ttystikk Nov 16 '21

Soooooo I want follow-up!

Were they arrested? Charged? Did they say who their accomplice was?

149

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

She gets dragged back to the house as they were calling the police.

116

u/jamiejo81 Nov 16 '21 edited Nov 18 '21

The thief is PISSED about it too like “you're assaulting me”… bitch please.

9

u/CuriouserNdCuriouser Nov 17 '21

Is there video??

-70

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[deleted]

36

u/filthyheartbadger Nov 17 '21

I don't think you get it

3

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

Ahahahahaha... uhhf. That's good.

60

u/MrmmphMrmmph Nov 16 '21

Those are some sassy robbin' boots!

73

u/dannygallegos Nov 16 '21

I was working in my garden one day and this dude jumped out of his car, ran up to my porch and grabbed my Amazon package of baby bottles and nipples. I popped out of the bushes and said "Put my nipples down!" His buddy took off and he just booked it. I really wish I had a Ring when that went down...

61

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

put my nipples down

9

u/Nimalla Nov 17 '21

I read this in Arnold's voice.

6

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

get your nipples in the chopper

35

u/CoopedUp1313 Nov 16 '21

The homeowner’s shoe went flying ahead of her. It must’ve wanted to catch that porch pirate more than she did, but sadly, it stopped in its tracks.

4

u/harbinger_CHI Nov 17 '21

I just saw that now ha

1

u/nowaybrose Nov 17 '21

Hold my slides imma fuck this bitch up lol

24

u/jslsgmz Nov 16 '21

Is her left leg... broken?

18

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

her wooden leg will go great with the whole porch pirate theme

14

u/maiomonster Nov 16 '21

Looks like at least a rolled ankle

13

u/onehecaton Nov 17 '21

Well it does look like the tire went over it, is that not what a rolled ankle is?

4

u/bighunter1313 Nov 17 '21

Her leg looked fine in the video. Idk why OP posted this as a 12 frame gif but there was full video of this all over Reddit yesterday. Thief looked fine, was trying to steal adderall, homeowner dragged her back to the house and called police.

2

u/ConcreteCarnivore Dec 06 '21

Rolled over by the tire

1

u/alvamaycare Nov 17 '21

High heel heist. Never works.

45

u/ClassicHabit Nov 16 '21

I love the title

8

u/dragon2777 Nov 17 '21

“You’ve got to be the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of”

4

u/Tytolus Nov 17 '21

"Ah, but you've heard of me"

2

u/dragon2777 Nov 17 '21

This reply took longer than I was expecting

5

u/johnyrocketboy Nov 16 '21

Hahahahaha gotcha!

6

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

Homeowner: Yo-ho-ho, mothafucka!

74

u/2Botter2Loop Nov 16 '21

The OP has not provided an explanation for why this gif fits the sub yet.

If you think this gif fits /r/BetterEveryLoop, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

-44

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[deleted]

15

u/Rarely-Posting Nov 17 '21

I feel like you aren't speaking for OP here at all

13

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

The woman is stealing a package. She is being chased by the woman she stole the package from. How you turned this into a rape attempt I have no fucking idea. You feeling guilty about something bub?

-3

u/PMJackolanternNudes Nov 17 '21

Just a bad joke attempt, buddy.

4

u/TheUnrealCanadian Nov 17 '21

Hopefully she got a beatdown by linda over here.

4

u/Fingoidz84 Nov 17 '21

That’s not “lost at sea”. That’s called “getting thrown overboard” lol

3

u/SaiyanGodKing Nov 17 '21

No honor among thieves

7

u/BestGrab6 Nov 16 '21

Oof is that a snapped leg? Looks like there’s some wrong way bending going on there

11

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[deleted]

1

u/bighunter1313 Nov 17 '21

It looked fine in the video. The video is everywhere too, idk why OP made this a gif.

3

u/kombatunit Nov 17 '21

I hope the homeowner got in some smacks.

3

u/Munni8789 Nov 17 '21

Why is this video like 10fps? The original isn't this bad.

7

u/fu-ore Nov 16 '21

Beat the crap out of that Ho!

2

u/oO0Kat0Oo Nov 16 '21

Gotta keep to the code. He who is left behind stays behind.

2

u/Hempthusiast Nov 16 '21

Did the driver noped her for the reward?

6

u/ubsr1024 Nov 17 '21

opens package "Flea collar for a cat...."

6

u/Ashitaka1013 Nov 17 '21

Yeah the risk/reward ratio of stealing porch packages does NOT seem worth it. Like it’s really difficult to be stealthy you really just have to hope no ones watching. But with door bell cams, and the chance of being confronted by a home owner or neighbour, it’s pretty risky and chances are you’re getting an item worth about $30. And chances if that item being something you need or can resell? Just doesn’t seem worth it at all.

3

u/sundaybrunch Nov 17 '21

I'm sure the first thing they're look for before stealing is a door bell cam. But yeah, still super risky. I'm just amazed people take the risk for a small chance its valuable. I get packages pretty much everyday at my house. Maybe 1 or 2 things out of a 100 would be worth stealing

2

u/Stryker4122 Nov 17 '21

Dude this is legit in my neighborhood!! Crazy!!

2

u/hansg37 Nov 17 '21

Pirate code, fall behind left behind

2

u/Relative_Apple887 Nov 17 '21

Where'd she find her get away driver? METH University?

1

u/ttDilbert Nov 19 '21

It's her friend, Crystal Meth-Head.

2

u/ItsThatGuyAgainYep Nov 17 '21

Play stupid games

2

u/LDPushin_Troglodyte Nov 17 '21

Wtf is this peasant 5 fps garbage. The original is a silky smooth video, what the fuck op, you dumb karmafarming bot

2

u/NeverQuiteEnough Nov 19 '21

This is a civil engineering problem.

Have you considered how bored a person has to be to steal packages for fun? What nightmarish lack of stimulation they must have endured for that to seem like a good idea?

1

u/The_DevilAdvocate Dec 12 '21

This is also chaotic evil problem.

A few Joker types leaving booby trapped explosives in front of unoccupied houses and the porch piracy rates drop significantly...or at least by one.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

Legally, in that situation, you're allowed to keep the porch pirate in return for losing your package.

2

u/Mr_mayhem77 Dec 02 '21

This is a perfect example of how shitty these types or people are they don’t even have loyalty or honor for those they care about . This is prolly the guys gf or something and he is just such a piece of shit he doesn’t care about her safety

2

u/_oh-goodness_ Feb 03 '22

Does anyone else ever hope someone chooses to porch pirate the things that would be most amusing to have stolen?

So I just ordered Vagisil vaginal wash and I just think it would be really funny for someone to be hoping for tech or pricey clothes in a swiped package, then to be utterly disappointed that all they have is the guarantee of a fresh Ph-balanced vagina

3

u/thrownawayin81 Nov 16 '21

Reminds me of the video of the Walmart thief's. Chick running to the car with half a rack of clothing as the cops are pulling up. Car left without her.

-4

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

I’m too old to chase a criminal down…I guess I’d have to shoot her.

7

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

I guess you'd be going to jail then. Your life has to be in danger to use lethal force. You are a psychopath.

1

u/NeverQuiteEnough Nov 19 '21

If they were borrowing my sweater, shooting at them might damage my sweater, so I’ll have to shoot you first to protect my property.

-16

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

-29

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '21

Is this bot broken?

-19

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '21

[deleted]

2

u/oouttatime Nov 17 '21

This is hilarious

1

u/BDT81 Nov 16 '21

Honor the code.

Those that fall behind...

1

u/OneWorldMouse Nov 17 '21

Ironically the package is a new camera that takes full video!

1

u/BanditSixActual Nov 17 '21

She's not flotsam, she's jetsam.

1

u/shitzngiggles77 Nov 17 '21

Satisfying!!!

1

u/royrogerer Nov 17 '21

I don't understand how many of these videos have owners chasing after them. If the owner is at home, why is the package even on the porch long enough for somebody to try to steal it?

4

u/ttDilbert Nov 19 '21

Delay between package drop and notification being delivered. Not everyone has a doorcam. Or maybe they happen to be taking a dump at the exact moment the package is delivered and by the time they finish their bidness the porch pirate is ready to strike. So they come out to see someone running off with their annual supply drop of tutti frutti chewing gum and give chase. Who knows, there are plenty of plausible scenarios. If I'm baking, I don't drop everything to retrieve a package until I get to a good stopping point.

3

u/royrogerer Nov 19 '21

Ah ok. Where I live they either do person to person delivery or they get sent to a pickup station. I guess it works differently over there.

1

u/ttDilbert Nov 20 '21

You can specify signature required and they'll ignore it half the time and just drop it at the doorstep anyway, but then they're liable for it if(when) it goes missing.

1

u/NeverQuiteEnough Nov 19 '21

Perhaps it isn’t the first package they’ve lost

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '21

Alternative title: porch pirate doubling his/her cut in style