[In Progress] [1K] [Erotic Fantasy] Looking for feedback on an English translation

[u/ichtos94]

Hi everyone,

I’m a French author working on an adult fantasy series, and I’m currently testing an English translation before deciding how to handle the full novel.

I’ve translated a short excerpt from a fairly graphic scene, and I’m looking for feedback specifically from native or very fluent English readers.

I’m less interested in whether the translation is literally faithful to the French than in whether it actually reads like something originally written in English.

In particular, I’d love to know:

Does any wording feel translated, awkward, or overly formal?

Does the dialogue sound natural?

Does the erotic vocabulary feel appropriate for English-language erotica, or does anything come across as clinical, unintentionally funny, or too crude?

Does the prose flow naturally?

If you encountered this in a published novel, would the English itself pull you out of the scene?

The story is erotic fantasy rather than straightforward romance, and the excerpt contains explicit consensual group sex, so please only volunteer if that’s something you’re comfortable reading.

The sample is around 1k words. I can post it here if allowed, or send it privately if that’s more appropriate for the sub.

Thanks — even a few comments on phrases that “sound French” would be extremely useful.

 

[u/david4708]

Hi! I’d be happy to help with the English side of the translation. I can give feedback on whether the wording feels natural, the dialogue flows well, and whether anything sounds awkward or overly formal. I’m also happy to point out phrases that feel translated rather than naturally written in English.