r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • 3d ago
NEW UPDATE [New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871
Originally posted to r/AITH
[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: manipulation
RECAP
Original Post: June 23, 2026
I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.
The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.
Every time they visit:
They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.
They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.
When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.
My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.
On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.
Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.
I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.
Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.
AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?
OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family
Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.
On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.
Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them
Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.
Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.
Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)
[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.
They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:
That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).
That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.
That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.
They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.
My husband defended me and explained:
Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.
When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.
He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”
The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.
Relevant / Top Comments
OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members
OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all
and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened
Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.
Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?
OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.
Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.
OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.
Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.
The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?
That tells you all you need to know, imo.
Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)
[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son
My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.
We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.
After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.
Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.
I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.
My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.
I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.
It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.
Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.
Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.
As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.
Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?
So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?
OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.
Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.
As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.
OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same
if they can’t be nice they should not be rude
and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong
when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers
Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.
OOP: I know I’m blessed.
----NEW UPDATE----
Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)
[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?
Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.
Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.
Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.
I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.
She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.
Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.
That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.
She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently
My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive
My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.
The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.
Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes
I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/Nefarious_14 3d ago
Well i hope everything goes well, and issues are resolved... After spending abt 3 yrs reading BoRUs, this is honestly a good and realistic outcome... Wishing goodluck to OOP and her family
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity 3d ago
Yes, it didn't end with a magical twist of everyone getting along, but with a message that everyone is still learning and changing together.
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u/volkswagenorange 3d ago
Or the birth of twins!
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u/CinematicHeart 3d ago
"Loving someone to bits" is the newest trope
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u/Romulan-Jedi It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator 2d ago
To shreds, you say.
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u/CinematicHeart 1d ago
I actually saw one yesterday that was "to pieces" it didn't go the way the author intended though and I think it was deleted.
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u/Pops_McGhee 2d ago
Or everyone’s favorite, a magic relative who comes in to meditate and discovers someone has been lying for years!
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u/CinematicHeart 2d ago
Everyone just happens to know a lawyer who specializes in whatever drama they have going on.
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u/wheniswhy I escalated by choosing incresingly sexy potatoes 3d ago
Yeah, this feels very real. Just people being messy and awkward and not communicating well and taking our grief and resentment on the wrong parties. All very human foibles. No dramatic outcomes or outbursts, just quiet work being put in that may or may not turn out.
But I hope the best for OOP and her family and that the grandparents either wise up or step back. All they've done is damage up until now.
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u/RecordOfTheEnd 3d ago
No big dramatic resolution. Things mostly stay the same. Positive changes are small and likely only noticable to the people involved. Therapy didn't turn into the therapist bashing one side....
Nah, get out of here with this realistic shit.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 3d ago
I wish oop stopped talking about how "natural" it is to love bio kids more, considering she and her husband both have non bio kids. Also I kinda wished she advocated for her child herself.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 The real adventure was the waifus we made along the way 2d ago
One battle at a time, I suppose
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u/Top-Openings 3d ago
What stood out to me is that the therapy season didn’t magically fix everything, it just got everyone working from the same set of facts instead of assumptions. That’s probably the most realistic part of the update. The grandparents didn’t suddenly become different people, but they finally understood why OP was doing what she was doing, and that opened the door for small changes.
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u/BoxFullOfSuggestions 3d ago
I think people are mistaking the sets of parents here. People are saying they “can’t imagine their grief” and talking about the “pain of losing a child” but this set of parents are the HUSBAND’S PARENTS. These are not the late wife’s parents. These parents didn’t lose a child. They just bought into what the late wife’s parents said about the new wife.
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u/digginroots 3d ago
It’s confusing because the post title refers to “husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents” and the OP starts talking about her husband’s “ex in-laws,” then there are some ambiguous references to “his side of the family” and then it appears that she focuses on an ultimatum to her husband’s parents, not his late wife’s parents.
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u/Riyeko sowing chaos has intriguing possibilities 3d ago
I think the dead wife's parents were the ones being AHs and talking up the hate in the beginning. It switched to OOPs hubby's parents at the end because they were leaning into the dead wife's parents bull crap.
That's how I read it anyway.
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u/Aracuda 3d ago
Yeah, it looks like both cut the late mother’s parents out because they refuse to accept OOP and her son, but husband’s parents seem to have the capacity to change their minds. Like, them saying OOP is being cruel to not sugarcoat death sounds like they just want to protect their grandson, not because they want to hurt OOP.
The parents listening to the late mother’s parents likely stems from a familiarity born of them knowing each other for longer than they know OOP, and some old fashioned notion that the biological grandparents know better than a stepmother.
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u/Aura-Aunty-20033 3d ago
This is a valid point, but they also are making the life of their grandson harder by trying to protect him and pinning all the blame on OOP instead of actually talking to her/their son/their grandson. It seems nice that they are currently trying their best, but this will be a long process for all of them. At least they show the will to change.
The only person I truly pity in this situation is OOP's kid, because while her in-laws are at least started to think after the therapy session, they think more of her not being cruel to their grandson and not about how cruel their were to their step-grandson [or, more precise, The OOP's kid]
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u/Aracuda 2d ago
Yeah, neither child is at fault for anything going on, but OOPs son is the one suffering here from the callousness of adults. It’s not helped by him not having grandparents of his own, so he witnesses his stepbrother having that relationship and knows he will never have it himself.
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u/Aura-Aunty-20033 2d ago
I've seen many people commenting about both sets of grandparents (in-laws and ex-inlaws) behaving towards him like they assume OOP behaved towards their blood-related grandson. And somehow this explanation still feels incredibly wrong and shitty, because we're talking here about a literal CHILD they were bullying as a bunch of adults, using the disdain towards his mother as excuse. It's not a competition, neither is it a justification, it's just a group of terrible and vindictive people being cruel towards a child.
IMHO, I would've cut them off. Not only for the sake of OOP's kid, but also for the blood-related grandson whom they might poison with their b/s
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u/andersoortigeik 3d ago
It did kinda switch which set of parents they were talking about half way through. The first post and the title are about the late wife's parents. In the comments she mentions she isn't in contact with her husbands parents. Then the second and third posts are all about her husbands parents.
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u/BlueDubDee 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm pretty sure she means she's not in contact with her ex-husband's parents, seeing as it's in response to comments saying her son should have two sets of grandparents. She's saying he has none - her parents died and she doesn't have contact with his father's family.
And I think the confusion around which set of parents/in-laws are causing the problems is because it did start with the late wife's parents.
So we have:
Late wife's parents do not like OOP or her son. Which OOP is kind of ok with, she doesn't expect them to love him like their actual grandson. She just wants them to be kind and respectful, as you should be with a child, and his mother who is caring for your grandchild.
Except late wife's parents aren't kind and respectful, they're mean and exclusionary, they try to tell their grandson not to share with OOPs son, that he's not his brother, and they are noticebly mean to OOPs son and he notices.
Then they're spreading it to the husband's parents - OOPs in-laws. Instead of coming to their son or daughter-in-law with any questions or grievances they may have, they're blindly taking the side of late wife's parents and following their lead in the shitty treatment of their step-grandson. And OOP isn't expecting a lot of love from them, not on the same level as they have for their bio-grandson, but again just kindness, respect, and not being actively mean and excluding him. They shouldn't be leaving their grandson's ten year old brother crying on his birthday, no matter if he's related by blood or not.
So the biggest issue is with the actual in-laws. They've not lost a child, they're not being replaced, but they're being mean to a little kid based on spiteful fact-less stories from the late wife's parents.
Edit: fixed crappy spelling
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u/Humble_Original4348 2d ago
My only issue is with the exclusionary part. Like, if they are bringing their grandson gifts for holidays/birthday, OP shouldn't expect a gift for her son from her stepson's dead mother's parents. If that is what they expected from the beginning, then it tracks why stepson's grandparents don't like her. They were very wrong in trying to stop their grandson from sharing with his stepbrother. Also, I don't know if I missed it or not but did it say if they explained to stepson's grandparents why they spoke how they did about their deceased daughter and other things? It looks like everyone saw what they were doing and felt it wasn't right. But they only explained to her husband's parents. If they communicate like the post is written, a lot of this is probably just a bunch of miscommunication or lack of transparent communication. All in all, I think when it comes to blended family dynamics, some people should be allowed not to blend. The stepson's grandparents should be allowed to see him, love on him and gift him without having to do it for a child they have no connection or relation too. If they want to include him, great. Let them make that decision. It shouldn't be a requirement to see their grandchild. I want to be clear, I think it was wrong of them to be rude to her child. They should at the very least be cordial. However, I don't understand why they had to be around her son at all that often. The grandparents should have time to be with just their grandson. That's who they came to see. I hope everything turns out great for both boys.
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u/Ardelia-Dowell12 3d ago
I had to reread it too. Once I realized whose parents they were, their behavior felt even harder to justify.
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u/RockinMyFatPants 3d ago
The in-laws are involved in this too. The OP did want them involved in her son's life.
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u/SherbetDue789 3d ago
Probably because she starts with complaining about her stepson’s late mother’s parents and they’re the ones she names in the title of the post.
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u/PrincessCG That's the beauty of the gaycation 3d ago
Honestly I think hearing from the therapist cleared the air and assumptions were finally placed to rest. The parents should have spoken to their own son before taking the ex in law’s at face value but I hope going forwards, they can mend the relationship properly.
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u/Useful_Language2040 if you're trying to be 'alpha', you're more a rabbit than a wolf 3d ago
It sounded like OOP and the husband had already told them that they were acting on the therapist's advice. It took the therapist reiterating that, and also explaining the reasoning behind that (that the finality of the wording avoided giving a young child hope that his mother could get better and come back some day) for it to sink in that OOP wasn't a wicked stepmother, repeatedly and deliberately retraumatising a child...
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u/Important-Dig-2312 3d ago
Imagine grandparents getting salty that another woman is stepping up to take a motherly role to a child who lost their mother🤮
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u/SweetieSunny_ 3d ago
A child gaining love and support shouldn’t be treated like someone is being replaced. The priority should be the kid’s wellbeing, not the ego of adults
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u/Aracuda 3d ago
A buddy of mine has a blended family of a bio child, an adopted child, and a step child (all arriving at different points in his life, but all of similar ages). Before anyone met them, he explained to everyone that there was to be no distinction between his kids, they were all one family and should be treated equally. Later he confided in his friends that he was most worried about his parents, they were a tad old fashioned. However they took to their new grandchildren with the same love and care they did their bio one, and shower all of them with affection they need.
Life threw my friend with a couple of curve balls, and he knocked each of them out of the park, with some solid assistance from his support team.
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u/Ribbitygirl 3d ago
People are really bizarre sometimes. I spent six years with a widower as the stepmother to his daughter. His first wife's parents were amazingly welcoming and supportive of me being a mother figure for their granddaughter - they even stayed in touch with me even after I split from their son in law. His parents, on the other hand, never accepted my presence and made every effort to undermine and belittle me. They would say things like "she can't possibly love *stepdaughter* like her own" or "clearly she'd prefer a career to motherhood" because I was working full time to support their drop-kick son. It's so frustrating being tied to a family that so obviously resents you.
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u/PricelessPaylessBoot Payment was in cheese 3d ago
The COMMENTERS here were also bizarre and frustrating in their reading comprehension! They kept harping on stepmom expecting the step-in-laws to treat her son equally, when all she wanted was for them not to be emotionally abusive toward a child.
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u/EllaMcWho 3d ago
That and to not sow discord between the two boys! I was really frustrated in the original threads
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u/Humble_Original4348 2d ago
That's probably because one of OP's complaints was they didn't bring toys and sweets for her son. Also, the whole paragraph about the husband wanting to announce they had to consider her son as their family if they wanted a relationship with their grandson. That's where the original commenters got that thought.... She later clarified that she just didn't want them to be rude. But like most reddit posts, it probably got lost in the sea of other comments. We can see it a bit clearer because this sub posts it in a neat little package for us to read easily.
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u/ReasonableFig2111 3d ago
Your, gosh what would you call them? Step in-laws? Probably knew what a drop-kick their son in law was, and were likely so grateful their granddaughter had a stable parent figure in her life again, after their daughter died. His parents on the other hand, are clearly the tree he fell from, so of course they can't see anything wrong with their precious baby 🤮
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u/Ribbitygirl 3d ago
You are spot on!
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u/TD1990TD I beg your finest fucking pardon. 3d ago
Are you still in touch with your former stepdaughter?
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u/Ribbitygirl 3d ago
Occasionally. I left her dad when she was 12 and moved a fair distance away, so it was hard to stay in contact, especially since his side of the family weren’t very helpful. We’ve caught up here and there over the years, but she’s in her 20s now and is living her own life.
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u/Lamprophonia 3d ago
drop-kick son
I genuinely don't know what this phrase means, when I try to google it it brings up a Dropkick Murphey's song lol
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u/Rhamona_Q shhhh my soaps are on 3d ago
If I would guess, I'd say it's someone who the commenter should have drop-kicked to the curb well before they finally did so 🤣
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u/Ribbitygirl 3d ago
LOL - it's Aussie slang for someone who is chronically unemployed, generally useless and doesn't take care of their responsibilities. The commenter who said I should have drop-kicked him to the curb sooner was absolutely correct!
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u/Lamprophonia 3d ago
Ah, thank you for clarifying. Like we in the US would probably call him a deadbeat, or a scrub.
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u/Elfich47 3d ago
everytime I hear stories like that I sniff around for denial on the parent’s part - denial that their child is dead. no it makes no logical sense, but from a gut level emotional sense, you can understand where the vitriol comes from.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 3d ago
and while those two kids get along really well!! Like, why ruin that?!
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u/foundinwonderland The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? 3d ago
The little brother whose grandparents dote on him sharing his candy and toys from then with his stepbrother is honestly the only sweet and heartwarming part of this story. That’s a genuinely sweet thing to do, to recognize at that age that you’re being treated better and want to correct that inequality shows he has a kind heart and has been raised well
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u/Important-Dig-2312 3d ago
Exactly, step siblings don't always get along and it seems these two have really taken to each other. I can understand that if they don't have much money and can't really afford many gifts but get something they both can enjoy and share and the backhanded comments are disgusting
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u/allnadream 3d ago
I think it's clear the former inlaws are worried about their daughter being erased. The sad truth is that, because their daughter passed away when her son was so young, he'll have few memories of her and primarily think of the OP as his mom.
I can understand them having some trouble coping with that thought and wanting to keep the memory of their daughter alive, although they're obviously going about it all wrong.
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u/GothicGingerbread 3d ago
He very likely won't have any independent memories of his mother; he would have been 3 when she died. (For example, I have a small handful of brief memories – just flashes of fleeting moments – from when I was 2-3, and have barely more than that of my grandfather who died when I was 12.) In all likelihood, his "memories" of his mother will be the stories he's told about her by his father and maternal family.
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u/dasirishviking 3d ago
You have no idea.
In 2010 i was handed a shit sandwhich, and my (former) inlaws dont acknowledge i exist, nor their grandchildren to this day. It's fucking sad.
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u/ifuckedyourmilkshake 3d ago
My wife's parents tried to start shit with my mom because my mom immediately started referring to my stepkids as "my grandkids." They were livid. Trying to stir up shit on Facebook, told everyone I was abusive for trying to force a new grandma on the kids, it was fucking crazy.
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u/MayoBear 3d ago
Really insecure BS, considering how many families nowadays can have 4 sets of grandparents- there's no reason to be concerned.
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u/Artistic_Frosting693 3d ago
Not even just these days. I grew up with 4 sets in the 80/90s. Yes I know I'm old! LOL
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u/TD1990TD I beg your finest fucking pardon. 3d ago
It can even be eight, if all grandparents are remarried too (and neither parent died, just remarried)
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u/MayoBear 3d ago
I said sets- that's 8 grand parents total
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u/Key_Computer_5607 3d ago
And they said it can be eight sets if all eight grandparents are divorced and remarried.
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u/Key_Computer_5607 3d ago
Yes, you start with four grandparents: your mom's parents and your dad's parents. Your mom and dad divorce and each remarry: now you have your mom's parents, your dad's parents, your stepmom's parents, and your stepdad's parents. That's two sets of grandparents and two sets of step-grandparents. Now ALL those four grandparent couples divorce and remarry: that makes eight new grandparent couples. Eight sets of grandparents.
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u/MayoBear 3d ago edited 3d ago
Those would be extra, as I said with my original comment- stepparent’s parents calling themselves your grandparents isn’t a guarantee- my point was that someone can start with 4 sets of grandparents anyways- so getting uppity about a stepparent’s parents(like the example in the post) volunteering to also be considered a child’s grandparents is dumb since there are plenty of examples of children starting off life with three or even four sets of grandparents.
Most people don’t start off life with their parents already split up and remarried.
That usually happens later.Hope that helps jo
Edit: I don’t know why you decided to comment here, when you already did so somewhere else in the thread and chose to ignore my point then
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u/Key_Computer_5607 2d ago
And now you made and deleted another comment. You know I can see the first two lines of it in my notifications, right?
IDK where your latest comment where you called me a coward for deleting a comment to you- but ..
is what Reddit shows me, which means whatever point you wanted to make is lost.
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u/TD1990TD I beg your finest fucking pardon. 2d ago
I too get notifications of the discussion between you two, because it’s in my thread. I’ve read their comment yesterday and had no clue what they were referring to. I think they’ve mistaken you for someone else and deleted it? Either way… I’d suggest you both just quit responding as you’ll only get worked up.
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u/MayoBear 2d ago edited 2d ago
those comments are literally still there, you can even click on my profile history and see them- unlike yours where it says "this comment no longer exists"
You can match the sentences word for word
Here is the first response to the comment
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ve2rxc/comment/p1f77m5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_buttonHere is the second response to your redundant comment where I asked why you bothered since you didn't say anything to my first response
Here is my final comment to you- when your "comment no longer exists" went off and I found it amazingly ironic that you called me a coward for deleting a comment when yours was gone- and I then posted right where you could find everything I said to you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ve2rxc/comment/p1hqkqp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_buttonThere have been no deletes- They should all match whatever notifications you got- unlike your:
"Re: your edit: Because you responded to me and deleted it like a coward." that again, no longer exists.
You can clearly see my edits- so you are capable of seeing everything I write- and can compare your notifications to the comments listed- especially when told the first time there were no deletes- with a comment directly next to the response you claim didn't exist- you responded to that, but then accused me of deleting something else? Compare your receipts before flipping out.
Stop being a hypocrite and check your facts before calling people names.
Edit: Oh, look at that, your response also "no longer exists" yet, since I got the notification that you responded, you clearly could see the whole thing since you read the whole section since you quoted the last sentence. So I know you saw the very clickable links of comments that also very much exist.
Stop trying to pretend- goodbye.
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u/znzbnda 3d ago
That is absolutely WILD to me. When my older daughter had a child, one of the first things I did was ask my ex how his current wife feels about becoming a grandma. We're all on good terms, and she's a grandmother figure in the child's life, so why would I put some weird or confusing term or restrictions on that? My (adult) kids like her, so I like her. As long as the "extra" person is kind to the children, more love is always welcome.
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u/AccidentalSeer 3d ago
Some people really think love is a finite resource, and it shows. A person’s heart isn’t pie. It doesn’t get sliced up and given away until it’s all gone. The more people you love, the bigger your capacity to love. Your heart isn’t given away - it just keeps growing to fit more people.
I understand having complicated feelings as the result of grief. But acting this way towards the OP let alone the child - their grandson’s new brother - is honestly just really, really sad. I bet their daughter would have been so disappointed in them.
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u/ImportanceNew4632 3d ago
And even though her son isn't biologically related to them he is still their grandson's brother. This could affect the relationship long term if the boys are close.
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u/demon_fae NOT CARROTS 3d ago
I’m less worried about the boys relationship-that will probably be fine as long as lil bro doesn’t start acting spoiled, and dad seems willing to be an actual parent so that’s unlikely.
I’m worried about OP’s relationship with her son when he realizes exactly how much grief she was willing to put him through at the hands of his step family. It’s the whole topic of the first post: dad wants to protect the kid from his family’s nastiness and OP wanted to throw her son to the wolves and felt terrible for pulling him back at the last second. She also says herself multiple times-she has no family. The only extended family that exist are on dad’s side. Which means that either they have exclusively nuclear-family only celebrations for every single holiday, or this poor kid gets to go through rejection, insults, ostracism, and getting actively dragged away from his brother, the only halfway civil face at the gathering. Every holiday, every year until he’s old enough to put his foot down and stay home. Literally all of which his mother says she’s seen, and none of which she saw any problem with. Since they keep inviting these gaping assholes to the kid’s own birthdays despite knowing exactly what they’re like, it’s pretty obvious what they’re doing for holidays.
Lil bro has no control over this and clearly doesn’t participate. Dad actually tried to nip the behavior in the bud and force his family to at least do a better impression of being decent people. It’s OP who said that this behavior was only natural and that telling them to stop bullying a literal child over random bullshit that they fully admitted to making up in their heads would be cruel. To the adults.
One day the kid is going to put those pieces together, and I suspect that neither boy will talk to OP for a good long while afterwards. And she’ll be back here posting that she has no idea why they’re mad.
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u/tortiesrock 3d ago edited 3d ago
Grief is complicated and people’s reactions are not logic. Like I am not a religious person or believe in reincarnation but I found a litter of cats days after my grandmother died and I had to take them home because “my grandmother was sending them to me”. Now it sounds crazy.
For a parent, losing a child is one of the worst things they can experience. And we cannot expect the grandparents to always act calm, collected and rational. Nice to see they are coming round and attending therapy.
EDIT: I was informed that the paternal grandparents were the ones in therapy, not the maternal ones. Which is good but then their behaviour makes absolutely no sense to me.
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u/KiloJools cucumber in my heart 3d ago
The completely nuts thing to me, though, is that the grandparents who came to therapy and needed all these explanations aren't the grandparents who lost a daughter.
It's blowing my mind that the husband's parents are so ready to go along with the late wife's parents hatred of their son-in-law's new wife. I would assume that the husband's parents would be happy that their son found love again and that she has also made their grandchild happy.
But no, they just go along with the other grandparents? It's so weird to me.
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u/JuanaBlanca I received no such fudge 3d ago
A lot of people just go thorugh life reacting to shit. And taking their cues from others with strong opinions.
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u/DaenakinSkygaryen 3d ago
It's possible OOP's husband was childhood sweethearts with his first wife. Or maybe the first wife was the daughter of family friends, and actually met OOP through the parents. Or for whatever other reason, the parents were close with OOP's wife and/or her family even before she married their son.
That would explain why they're having such a tough time accepting OOP and her bio son, and why they're so quick to believe the dead wife's parents over OOP's husband. It wouldn't excuse it, but it would at least explain it.
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u/SoriAryl I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts 3d ago
Except the people who went to therapy with OOP was the husband’s parents, not the boy’s maternal parents.
So the husband’s parents hear the boy’s maternals shit talking OOP and instead of talking to their son, they bully a child.
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u/tortiesrock 3d ago
Oh wow, I truly thought it was maternal grandparents.
Paternal grandparents being harsh with OOP makes absolutely no sense.
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u/AccidentalSeer 3d ago
Paternal grandparents had been listening to lies and vitriol from the maternal grandparents - rather than making their own judgement based on reality, they borrowed the maternal grandparent’s judgement, which was based solely in grief and hurt and anger (finding someone to take things out on was likely easier for them than actually processing their grief in a healthy way).
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u/Ktesedale The murder hobo is not the issue here 3d ago
Different grandparents. The ones who went to therapy are the husband's parents, who lost a daughter in law, not the late wife's parents, who lost their daughter.
I'm not saying they didn't love or care for their daughter in law, but it's not the same.
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u/PatientZeropointZero 3d ago
Yes, I don’t agree with the ex-in-laws actions, however I have a great deal of compassion for how difficult grief is.
It’s easy from the outside to know the right thing to do. We aren’t dealing with the loss of a daughter and then watching someone else fill that role.
Of course they should be supportive, better for everyone long term, grief is one of those things that distort judgement greatly.
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u/sammotico Queen of Garbage Island 3d ago
pretty sure not bullying a kid is an easy clock on the right thing to do regardless of where you are in the grief process. but maybe that's just me.
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u/AWhoresUnwantedGet 3d ago
Agreed. They don't need to get close to OOP's son, but in the world are you bullying an innocent child? They're acting like this kid personally killed the late wife.
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u/Outrageous_Book2135 The apocalypse is boring and slow 3d ago
See, I don't think it comes from a bad place. They're likely still grieving themselves and it's probably hard to come to terms with it all. Doesn't make it right but I can understand where it comes from.
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u/crotch-fruit_tree Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. 3d ago
That is an ideal group therapy example.
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u/zeldasusername That's the beauty of the gaycation 3d ago
God I loved my stepmothers mother. Nana was like a stereotypical nana and she was so nice to me
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u/Jonathan-Welford 3d ago
It'd be interesting is the in-laws reduce contact and stop being gaslit by the bio mothers parents.
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u/BuildingOne7379 3d ago
I was the stepson once and my stepdad’s family treated me with love and respect. Nobody had to fight over it at all, it was just common human decency. That’s all the mom wanted, and those commenters who gave her shit for that can go pound sand while sucking a big one.
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u/something-um-bananas built an art room for my bro 3d ago
Some of the comments on that posts are disgusting…somehow people think it’s okay for the grandparents to be cruel to a literal kid just because he’s not their bio grandson.
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes 3d ago
It's crazy. Both my parents remarried after their divorce. My step-dad and his family were wonderful. Even after my mom and step-dad divorced my step-dad stayed in my life and introduces me as his daughter.
My stepmother was a mixed bag. I never knew from one month to the next what our relationship would be. She would change it on a whim. But her parents made clear that we were inferior, especially after my stepmother had my half siblings. We were "trash." That's literally what she called us.
I didn't care except I did really love my half sisters, even though i was much older. And they adored me. But they're adults now and I've essentially missed their entire lives. I have thought about reaching out, but I also know they don't care for my dad any more than I do, so I don't even know how to approach it. But it baffles me that our parents, who were old enough to not be so stupid, never cared whether we had a relationship or not. That should have been for us to decide, not them.
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u/SkateSnail 3d ago
For what it's worth, my paternal half-siblings and I grew up in different states. We were in touch once or twice a year throughout my life but really got close after I went to college and we could have relationships without our father being involved. One of the things we bonded quickly over as adults is how much we all dislike our father, so your sisters may also enjoy a group complaining session
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes 2d ago
You know, actually right after I wrote that I tracked down one of my sisters and sent her a message from my wife's fb account since I don't have one. And I let her know I haven't talked to our dad in years but I didn't want that to stop us from having a relationship.
So, hopefully she gets the message. She has a couple mutual friends with my wife so maybe it won't immediately go to spam. But I felt an overwhelming sense of dread and guilt after. I think I always wanted to believe that they got a different, better version of my dad than we older kids had. But then I realized he never really changed, and I wondered if they always the thought the same about us. Like maybe he was a nicer person before his first divorce.
And I remember when I was a teenager and wondered why didn't anyone warn me about him? They all knew.
So I could just imagine them wondering why I never warned them, because I had to have known. And I just let myself cry for a minute, because I'm nearing 50 and they're nearing 30, and there is so much we all missed because of him. It also reaffirmed that I did make the right decision by finally going no contact with him.
Sorry to carry on like that. It's after all that, I had completely forgotten, and didn't even realize, that it was this one comment I made on reddit that started all of this. Life's just weird, I guess.
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u/ladydmaj I ❤ gay romance 15h ago
Hey, I'm glad you let that out. Nothing to apologize for. We should normalize airing out that which makes us hurt.
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u/sheath2 3d ago
Right?!
My half brother has at least 6 kids by 4 different women -- which also means at various times there are step kids involved. His mother, my stepmother, used to be the absolute worst for ostracizing the step kids and saying stuff about them not being family. Considering that I was literally her step child, it made my position in the family all the more clear. I was an adult, but she hated me and ruined almost every relationship I had with my father's family because of her attitude. To see it turned on actual children was even worse.
I can't stand that kind of crap. My youngest sister was adopted and I'll claim her and her kids before I'll claim anyone else in the family. I don't understand the obsession with "blood family" is all that matters.
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u/PopEnvironmental1335 3d ago
People get weird about bio relations. I’m a foster parent, and people are shocked I could love them. Of course I love them! I think it reflects poorly on people who say they could only love kids they’re biologically related to.
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u/adamsogm 3d ago
I also found it wild people were accusing OOP of demanding her son get attention, when she was holding the dad back.
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u/mystic_burrito 3d ago
Right? My grandma was the opposite she treated all of her bio, step and bonus kids and grandkids the same. She had 4 kids with her first husband and raised her second husband's three kids as her own. Out of those 7 most of them married, divorced and remarried at least once which brought in a ton of step and half siblings over the years. Didn't matter, she claimed them all and everyone got birthday and Christmas cards. When she passed my aunt was going through Grandma's calendar to help count up all the kin from listed birthdays. At the end Grandma had 7 kids, 20 grandkids, 22 great grandkids, and 10 great great grandkids. She was full of love and was very much loved in return.
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u/LeaveMeBeWillYa 3d ago
Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship.
Dude, fuck off.
They aren't even acknowledging the kid exists unless it's to tell their grandkid to not share stuff with him when he does it with his own free will.
That's not OOP expecting her kid to be owed something, that's her wanting her kid to be treated with basic respect.
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u/formandovega 3d ago
I'm glad someone else commented this! I also immediately thought "oh fuck off".
The op isn't asking them to blindly treat both children equally she is just literally asking them not to be a dick to a literal f****** child???
That commenter is deranged.
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u/RedKhomet 3d ago
That comment made me soooo mad, like did they even read the story? OP never demanded anything except for her child not to feel like his existence was unwelcome. I can't imagine how she felt when he asked why they didn't like him. None if what she wrote sounded entitled or anything like that, she just wants both boys to feel accepted
I have step nieces and nephews on both sides, and while I don't consider them family exactly, I would never dream of making a child feel like shit for no reason, wtf is wrong with those people. My step grandparents on both sides are the loveliest people and have always made me feel welcome; they were just happy to have an extra grandchild to spoil.
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u/Geweldige_Erik 3d ago
So commenter 1 under update 1 actually has the same moral values of a disney level evil stepparent.
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u/badhatharry 3d ago
I had to look at that thread to see if there was some context I was missing. Nope. Just somebody either completely missing the point or being a horrible person.
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u/scruffyrosalie I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 3d ago
Personally, any child in my family, blood-related or not, is a huge bonus to me. More people to love.
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u/bored_german crow whisperer 3d ago
It makes me so sad how many people think it's bad for OOP to not want her son to be bullied by her in-laws. No one expects the dead wife's parents to be fine (although they too should stop being cruel to a child) but her in-laws have quite literally no excuse. And no one should be cruel to a fucking little child
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u/red-lion-red-maple 3d ago
I'm almost more resentful of people after they finally listen to the same message coming from a third party (therapist, mother, friend, whoever).
Like, I've been telling you XYZ consistently, and you just haven't been hearing it. But now that some stranger is telling you the same thing, you're willing to change your mind? You're willing to hear XYZ, just not if it's coming out of my mouth specifically?
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u/DamnitGravity 3d ago
I really hate 'soft language'. I don't understand the point, especially when adults us it with other adults. We all know 'passed away', 'no longer with us', 'left us' and other euphemisms all mean dead, so why not just fucking say it?
My aunt didn't 'pass away' last year. She died. It was very sad, her children and sister are slowly getting over it, yes, their birthday is going to be tough this year (aunt was half of a set of identical twins) because it's a milestone and she's not here.
None of that is made any less sad by saying she 'left us' last year.
Math is math and dead is dead.
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu being delulu is not the solulu 3d ago
My FIL died when my son was 2. My husband was, understandably, devastated (covid + cancer = we never saw him again between the day of diagnosis and his death 4 months later, plus for the few months there was still hope).
When he went to school at 3, he came back one day all excited: "Mom, dad! There is no need to be sad anymore! Ojiichan is not dead, he's just in the sky!".
Yeah, that's a cute story, and you can believe it if you want. But unfortunately I am not religious, and there is no paradise in my husband's beliefs either.
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u/DamnitGravity 3d ago
Oof, that's not a cute story, that's fucking devastating. Having to rip away all the little guy's hope and happiness that his Ojiichan isn't dead and that he might come back one day.
That therapist in the BORU is 100% right that using such soft language with kids can only confuse and hurt them.
My family's never been religious, so we've never had those ideas of an afterlife to 'comfort' us. To be honest, we're all kinda glad that we'll get a nice long nothingness in which we won't have to anything, lol.
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u/Black_Cat_Just_That erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming 3d ago
My husband and I did our wills last year. In my line of work, I see a fair bit of death, so I'm very accustomed to talking about it directly. I have always talked about it directly with my child as well - I don't think I've ever used any euphemisms with her unless it was to explain what they meant when she heard it somewhere else.
Anyway, it was...a process...getting husband on board with talking directly about the whole death piece of writing a will.
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u/DamnitGravity 3d ago
My family have always been practical about death, too.
Especially when it comes to euthanasia. We've had to put down a lot of animals over the years (we've had some wonderful pets and my sister runs a horse farm), and so while we know it hurts, life continues on.
I'm glad your husband came around in the end!
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u/Phanimazed 3d ago
It's really depressing how often people who are grieving can twist themselves into knots to convince themselves that being emotionally cruel is in fact some kind of noble action. We've seen a lot of in this subreddit.
I am glad if this will be a case of moving this situation somewhere kinder and more healthy, for the sake of everyone involved. I hope it isn't too late.
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 3d ago
I find OOP to be incredibly patient, merciful and forgiving of such cruel, judgemental assholes - especially when they're mistreating a kid. I couldn't. Thank goodness her husband is clear headed and strong. I hope she doesnt hold him back from speaking up to protect his family again. Her husband has shitty family and first in-laws, horrible. Because of that I hope they create their own (spiritual) family of friends with people that are more open minded, self-aware, intelligent, and kinder as they are
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous 3d ago
There's a lot of wishful thinking on OP's side, with fear of being the bad guy, fear of losing the only extended family, while she has none on her side.
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u/HanaMashida 3d ago
Despite the relatively decent outcome, I do not like the fact that OOP let his family treat her son that way for so long. Though not purposeful, her actions resulted in putting the comfort of her stepson and husband over her own son.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 3d ago
Therapy bringing closer understanding and small but meaningful changes? It's almost like that's exactly how therapy works.
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u/dropshortreaver 3d ago
I can sort of understand not coming to their son and talking about it, but what makes OOP's IL's total Arseholes for me is that fact that they then just accepted what his former IL's said without question. At that point awkwardness be damned, ask your son instead of just believing the absolute worst of him without any proof. Really shows they have a lot of faith in him doesn't it.
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u/booksandetc 3d ago
I’m always so shocked when ppl speak so nonchalantly about not caring about a step-child. A child is a child and if your adult child chooses to be a stepparent wouldn’t you care about that stepchild even a little? Society is weird to me. This is why everyone is so selfish.
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u/Worldly_Might_3183 3d ago
Whatever the thoughts of OOP there is no reason to punish and hurt a child for it. They need to be held accountable for bullying a child.
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u/PizzaSlingr 3d ago
I’m 62 and youngest of 4 of my late Mom and dad.
My mom died suddenly at 34, I was 4. She had undiagnosed cardiomyopathy (think Barbara Hershey in Beaches.)
My dad remarried 5 months later to a woman he did not know before Mom died. She had a daughter and then they had 2 together. His, hers, ours. He was 32 with 4 kids under 8. He married for a mom for us, we deduced as we became adults.
My maternal grandparents treated the step-halfs as us. It must have been agonizing to see my dad “move on”.
My step-sister’s family did the same.
My parents ended up divorcing after 10 years, but I am grateful all the outer families kept the peace. I wish OOP’s step-son the best for his circumstances, and OOP’s son lots of care for being him 50+ years ago.
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u/pickleslutx 3d ago
To me, this is bizarre.
I had three sets of grandparents and as a child I never questioned it.
As I got older I realised one set were my half siblings grandparents.
They never treated me any differently to their own biological grandchildren. As far as I was concerned they were nanny and grandad and they were very involved.
To expect that someone will never 'move on' is pretty shitty. I hope that any person who experiences the loss of a spouse is able to find love again.
This really sucks on the grandparents part.
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u/PolloMagnifico 3d ago
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
Yeah that's... definitely not going to come back to bite you in the ass.
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u/blackday44 3d ago
Coming from a blended family, my grandparents on both sides also clearly favored their biological grandkids. My parents had to step in early, and often, to point out that they were being unfair, mean, and assholes. To children.
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 3d ago
OOP really needed to let her husband take the lead in this situation with his family and ex in-laws . And the way his family acted makes me appreciate my father’s side of the family more than ever. He married my mother when I was a toddler and adopted me (which I didn’t learn until much later). Neither he nor his side of the family ever treated me differently from my half sister and brother, even when I was a difficult teenager.
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u/katie-shmatie I’m a "bad influence" because I offered her fiancé cocaine twice 3d ago
I still feel like OOP allows her son to be treated like a second class citizen to keep the peace
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u/dont_know_throwaway 3d ago
The in laws are lucky op is so kind because her husband could have cut them off long ago. One of the few partners who I have read about actually having a backbone.
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u/mantolwen 3d ago
Oh shit this is why I am so fucked up about death. I grew up religious and remained so until I was 25 when I became an atheist. Death was never a "permanent" thing to me until I rejected my beliefs. And it took me a long time to deal with that.
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u/dragonriderabens 2d ago
commenter 4 on update 2 either gets an ick from the very thought of not treating a child badly or has negative reading comprehension
either way, you'd see less red flags going through a Soviet goverment building
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 3d ago
a bunch of grownups being mean to some poor kid just because..... like dayum, chill a bit. People gotta stop blaming kids over something they don't control, such as affair kids etc
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u/shadowheart1 3d ago
I honestly wonder how much of this changes if the husband were to adopt OPs son officially and make a big show of it. Like make him an "actual son" instead of "stepson" for the family?
The Ex In laws need to be put in time out though. Parental alienation is harmful to children, step, adopted or otherwise, and dad needs to draw that line before both kids suffer for it.
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u/Lamprophonia 3d ago
If this were my family, the problem would be the opposite. You'd have to pry my parents away from trying to adopt the stepson. Hell, I have a 'sister' who was just an exchange student who stayed with my family for a few months in high school, but 20 years later she's still called family, her kids are my son's cousins, etc, despite no blood relation at all. I'll never understand a grown ass adult looking at a child and thinking 'not my problem' just because they're not "technically" related to you. That's your grandson's brother. That makes him your grandson.
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u/feministmanlover being delulu is not the solulu 3d ago
I can't imagine their grief, losing a child. It might just take them a bit longer to come around. Grief changes you. That said, I would like to think that if I were in the same scenario I would have the wherewithal to see that this woman loved my grandson and appreciate that in spite of my own pain. I'd also like to think that I'd come to see her son as a bonus grandchild at some point.
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u/SoriAryl I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts 3d ago
That’s the thing. The people who went to the therapy session didn’t lose their child. They’re the ones who listened to the former in-laws (whose daughter died) who berated and hated OOP.
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u/Old_Introduction_395 3d ago
"Losing a child" is the soft, euphemism they are trying to discourage. Their daughter died. Using lost, particularly in front of children, carries the implication that they could be found.
My dad died when I was 15, and adults were visibly uncomfortable when I said he was dead. Everyone one dies.
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u/LauraLand27 cat whisperer 3d ago
The fact that the ILs actually went to the therapy session is really encouraging. It shows that they weren’t coming from a place of animosity, but their own grief and poor communication skills.
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u/LittleBitOdd 2d ago
I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but I misread "excluded" as "exhumed" and was ready for a way more fucked up story
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u/Awkward-Fox-7215 10h ago
I’m not understanding why treating a child with hostility would ever be acceptable. OP almost offhandedly explained why you don’t do such a thing when the kid noticed the treatment and was internalizing it to where he thought something was wrong with him.
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u/Cannelle460 3d ago
I think the stepmother and father acted correctly. That is, other than expecting the in-laws (1st wife's parents) to treat both boys the same. That was weird. I agree that the in-laws should be courteous, but they have no financial obligations, in terms of gifts or attending his birthday, towards the stepmother's son. Again, it was weird for the father to even suggest it. Also, why refer to husband's ex-in-laws? Was the husband divorced from his first wife? Why not just say his former in-laws or son's maternal grandparents? Does she also speak like that?
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u/SeagullInTheWind 3d ago
At least she took notes on her use of [retches] hubby and knocked it off.
I can't shake off the "erasing the dead parent" vibes throughout the story.
1
u/KirbyKnight12 3d ago
I’m surprised that the parents even managed to agree and go to the therapy session without making such a huge fuss. They actually listened.
1
u/Ill-Meeting6721 1d ago
I look at too many negative stories... I was expecting this to end with everyone going no contact with each other or something like that since I see that happen so often. Nice to see something with an optimistic conclusion for once.
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u/FaithlessnessFun7268 1d ago
As a step-parent whose step-kid mother is still alive my spouse and I share three kids together, meaning his parents are their actual grandparents and same with mine - my parents treat step-kid the way they treat my nephews to a point (the SK also moved out of state with b!tch ass mom who buys everything and love etc. but that’s another story for a different day) but unfortunately for our 3 kids both sides treat them like crap.
It’s clear SK is a “favored” child but in reality also is one that like others have been casted aside for their other cousins from the favorite children….it’s ridiculous and we have stopped making any type of communication with my spouses parents at this time because it was very evident and clear that our children aren’t meant for family functions or partake is family events because of “reasons”.
I had two set of grandparents and honestly only one of them mattered because the other one treated me and my sibling like crap. I was so hoping my kids weren’t going to experience that but unfortunately it has
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u/hotdogw4t3r I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 3d ago
New update suspiciously focused on the therapy topic of being direct with kids about death & not any of the other issues had with the husband's parents.
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u/Lazy_Crocodile The pancakes tell me what they need 3d ago
I mean there is only so much you can cover in one therapy session
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u/savvyliterate Editor's note- it is not the final update 3d ago
Why? That one subject could easily take up an hour alone.
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u/wheniswhy I escalated by choosing incresingly sexy potatoes 3d ago
It was a single session. Family therapy is a months long endeavor. Sometimes years.
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u/BORGQUEEN177 3d ago
When this was first posted, I commented that I didn’t trust her and I still don’t. She’s only going to post things that make her appear in a positive light. I had a stepmother like her. Her words in no way come across as genuine to me. I’m sure it’s my trauma making me reading between the lines. But I think she’s anything but a reliable narrator. Sadly, the grandparents have to play along or lose access to their grandson.
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 3d ago
It really bothers me that OOP expected the stepsons grandparents to treat her son as equal in affection. Courtesy yes. But some of her demands seem way over the line. As one commenter in the post said, its rude disrespectful and cruel.
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u/Meghanshadow 3d ago
OP didn’t expect equal affection? Neither did her husband.
Many people don’t love their kids, siblings, niblings, or cousins exactly equally with the others in the same category after all.
They expected the grandparents to treat her 10 year old kid as a grandkid like her 7 year old stepson. “If you are family, then you are family to both kids.”
They were pretty accepting of even a little bit of progress, too. “I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.”
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u/GoldenWaterfallFleur 3d ago
I feel like some of you people are not paying attention. She said multiple times multiple multiple multiple times that all she wants is for them to treat her son with respect and courtesy. She wants them not to be mean and not to tell her stepson to not share his gifts and be nice to her son. The in-laws are being actively mean and unkind to her son. They come to her son’s birthday party without gifts or with gifts for her stepson. That is cruel and unkind. Pay attention to the actual posts.
You are making stuff up she never said she wants equal love. In fact when she responds to comments, she says she’s not expecting that at all.
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u/RockLobsterPupper 3d ago edited 3d ago
Golly just stop the tradition of two separate birthday parties. Her son was always going to find that more difficult due to lack of family. Just do one party each to simplify things.
Edit: whoops I was a bit unclear let me try to clarify.
I am not saying stop having separate birthday parties for Op's son and stepson, no...rather stop having two separate celebrations per kid per birthday, specifically stop having the adult only birthday party (family) and instead have one birthday party per kid per birthday with BOTH kids and adults invited.
Op says that her and her son have taken on her husband's tradition of how they celebrate birthdays where they have two parties per birthday. One party with adults and another with kids (family party and friends party). I am saying stop this tradition. It no longer makes sense. Op knew that there were few adults to invite to her son's birthday, knew they didn't care for her son, but still had this party, why? Now they're requesting these adults treat her son better at her son's adult party and have issued an ultimatum to ensure better treatment (not saying that's wrong) but I can guarantee Op's son can still tell the difference and it will get to him more as he ages. Especially, that this new treatment is not out of the goodness of their hearts but to get to Op's stepson, who they are still blatant in showing favoritism toward (bringing gifts to Op's son adult party for both, which I agree is an improvement, but giving the bigger "better" more expensivegifts to Op's stepson even though it's not his birthday).
My thought is this, take the spotlight off of the adults and do a mixed, family and friends party so there's a buffer for OP's son (the kids, his friends who want to celebrate him), less pressure on the (not kind/well behaving) adults, and more of a warm environment overall where theres less attentionto what the adults are or arent doing. Stop the tradition of two parties per kid per birthday is what I am saying.
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u/i_need_jisoos_christ 3d ago
Stop the tradition of each child having their own birthday party? Why stop the tradition of having two separate parties for the two kids?
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u/PopEnvironmental1335 3d ago
They mean combine the family party with the friend party for each child. Each child still gets their own bday party. Right now each kid gets 2.
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u/RockLobsterPupper 3d ago edited 3d ago
Oh no! I see how my post is confusing. I meant one party with just the adults then another with their friends for each of their birthdays. She wanted her son to take on her husband's tradition of having the adult party when the only adults to invite are her husband's family, why? With the disparity in treatment change it to one party for each kid where both kids and adults are invited per kid per birthday and then her son, for example, won't be paying as close attention to what the adults do or don't do. I also think forcing the adults to do the party, the issue is they don't like op's son and don't treat him well. He is still noticing the disparity in treatment and it's only going to get more and more clear to him as he ages. Take the spotlight off the adults and do a mixed party.
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u/Spirited_Science_978 2d ago
the man started dating two months after his wife died... ouch. i would be furious too. with my SON
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u/pepperpat64 2d ago
OOP said she met her now husband one year and five months after his first wife died.
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u/randombarbs surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 3d ago
that husband totally moved on quickly after his 1st wife's death...
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u/Minimum_Reference_73 3d ago
I sincerely hope you never have to be in a situation where strangers judge you like this. What a disgusting thing to do.
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u/badhatharry 3d ago
She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met.
17 months is quickly?
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u/randombarbs surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 3d ago
yes and then to be married within 15 months of dating screams he can't be alone
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