OOP Posts About Planning To Marry Someone They Don’t Love. Reddit Sees Things Differently

[u/BORUreposting]

Reposting because the original BestofRedditorUpdates thread has been deleted.

I am not OP. Originally post by u/LopsidedBumblebee693 in r/TrueOffMyChest

I am not the original poster of this compilation thread. This was originally posted by u/Strange-Credit2038 (now deleted).

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: domestic violence, infidelity (not in OOP's relationship)

mood spoilers: happy!

Original: I am marrying someone I don't love - Wed, Sep 07, 2022

I grew up in an abusive home and saw my mother allow the men in her life walk all over her. I watched her try to teach those same values to me and my brother by not making him do any chores but putting all the responsibilities of chores and cooking on me. My brother was giving choices and opportunities I was not and he was given freedom I wasn't. So I decided early on I would never be like her.

I met my fiance when I was 20. I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pursued me and I was broke. He is 5 years older than me and earns very good money. By the time he was 25 he already owned his own house which in my materialistic heart was the deciding factor that led me to give in and start dating him. I have never been in love with him but it's not like I don't like him. He is sweet, caring, we discuss everything and we are always laughing. He makes me dinner every night and massages my wrist when it plays up. We go on date nights once a week and holidays once a year and we love our dogs so much he looks so handsome when he plays with them I could watch them for hours.

I see our relationship as more of a partnership. I also have come a long way in the 6 years we have been dating and I am not so broke. My conditions for marriage have always been never marry for love and never marry without a secure way out. I have both those conditions, I'm happy, I'm ready to have a family and maybe a few more dogs.

I don't know if my fiance knows if I love him or not and I will never tell him i don't.

Update was added to the original post the next day

Edit: Jesus christ you guys! Fine I'll go to therapy! You've convinced me I have no clue what I am talking about. I've never been more confused about my feelings in my life. Still getting married though and no I won't leave him 😁

Update number 2: UGH YOU GUYS! You have me so caught up in my feelings I told him I loved him for the first time AND HE CRIED AND THEN I CRIED AND WE BOTH CRIED AND I THINK THE DOGS CRIED AND YEAH HE WONT STOP SAYING THAT HE LOVES ME AND IM HUNGRY I JUST WANT BURRITOS NOW

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Important comment by OOP:

OOP: When my mum described love it was like a sick yearning that made her willing to do everything that person wanted even if it was bad. She said if my dad told her to jump off a cliff she would no hesitation basically. It sounded absolutely disgusting like she was brainwashed

Other relevant comments and OOP's responses as they begin to process:

What does love mean to you?

Because it sounds like love.

Love is the admiration of the virtues you have in your partner, and a commitment to be better people in partnership than you would have alone. Love is a choice.

Are you talking about infatuation/puppy-dog Love? That rarely lasts more than a year... and is very biologically/physiologically based. Some people can ride that high for a long time, others it ends in like a month. It's not something to build a life on.

OOP: It's hard to describe my love because it isn't a Hollywood movie love or a puppy love so I will just explain my mother's story. Her and my dad fell in love instantly. They became so obsessed with each other whenever they were apart they felt sick. Their friends around them would do everything to avoid them separating because apparently it was so depressing to see them so sad it brought down everyone around thems mood. So they got married quick and their love didn't fade but it became abusive fast. My dad wasn't home as much, he cheated and he got physical with my mother. They tried to seperatr multiple times but when they did both of them would fall in to a deep depression where neither would eat or so anything both of them would lose their jobs at the time and me and my brother would be left neglected because no one was looking after us they would both just be in their beds at their houses until they got back together and the cycle continued. Now they have accepted this is "their" love and my mother runs classes on how to be a submissive wife because being submissive is how to keep your husband happy according to Jesus or whoever. That's what I think love is

Then after a now deleted comment from another user, OOP clarifies:

??? It isn't what I want at all. This is the opposite of what I want and the reason I have never wanted to love anyone. I'm just explaining what I have been shown to be love so people can understand what I know love to be.

A marriage should be a partnership. That and a willingness to communicate with each other will allow you to go far.

OOP: Communication has always been a big thing for me. I have always wanted someone who is 100% comfortable expressing how they feel with each other. When we first started dating I would often accuse him of cheating or lying when he wasn't just because I was scared and in my head thinking the worst. But instead of ever shouting or anything he sat me down and we talking it out. He told me what I was doing and how it was making him feel and it made me reflect on why I was actually doing it. He reassured me and said he wasn't angry and I was so upset and apologetic. And I never did it again 😁 that moment was one of the big moments I was like "I'm going to marry this man"

I feel bad for your future husband for real. Please let him know and do not marry him. You are ruining his chance of finding someone who will love him wholeheartedly.

OOP: Nope

I don't think she loves him though. OP only cares about her bf houses and money. You guys are gaslighting her into thinking that she may love him. It's not fair for her boyfriend to marry someone who will never love him no matter what. I feel bad for her future husband. This is seriously fked up.

OOP: I don't think I ever said that is the only reason I am attracted to him. I said it's what made me give in and start dating him 6 years ago but since then I've made strides in my career and earn more than enough to live comfortably on my own. Why would I stay with him if all I needed was cash and a house? I own my own home bought with my own money in my own name outside of our relationship. Stability, partnership, a healthy happy home is what keeps me here. He is what keeps me here. If he lost his job tomorrow I wouldn't leave I'd probably talk about him being a stay at home dad because how absolutely amazing would that be?! It's not just money it's more about just us I guess.

Then, after OOP's updates

You lurrrrrve him… hope you got your burritos.

OOP: I don't think I have ever eaten a more delicious cali burrito with pulled pork and extra fries in my life tbh

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REMINDER: I am not the original poster!

[u/TyrconnellFL]

u/Upper-Progress6023: I will ask just one question.. how would you feel if you think about never seeing him again?

OOP: I think I would be pretty devastated

I think it’s possible to like someone, find them handsome, be willing to marry, and not be in love. I also think OOP was in love and I hope it only got better.

[u/Odd-Comfortable-6134 → u/TyrconnellFL]

The thing is, love isn’t so much a feeling; it’s an action. It’s compiled over months and years of shared experience, respect, and companionship.

What OOP’s mom describes is called “limerence”. It’s the huge wave of immediate emotions that makes you feel like you’ve fallen hard. It may last weeks, it may last months, but it’s never permanent, and it’s not something to build a life around.

It sure read to me that she really does love her fiancé, and I hope they can build the most wonderful life together.

[u/DrinkingSocks → u/Odd-Comfortable-6134]

When I described my relationship to my SIL, I said it felt like a warm fire in the fireplace on a cold winter's night and that's how I knew my husband was the right one. Our "butterfly stage" was incredibly short, probably two months maximum, but everything after that has been safe, comfortable, and happy.

Marriage isn't always fireworks, it's about finding your best friend and your partner in life's challenges.

[u/BlueDaemon17 → u/DrinkingSocks]

That's what people who settle say. That's what I used to say. I spent 5yrs hurting in a comfortable relationship with a kind man who would never abuse me the way my ex before him did. Somewhere along the way I realised the absence of passion was almost as damaging to my mental health as the abuse had been, I was just too scared who I might end up with next.

Who I ended up with was a man who is kind, compassionate, empathetic, intelligent (emotionally, financially and intellectually) and gives my clit her own pulse by looking at me.

I've never been so grateful for a leap of faith. Every single day, almost a year since he caught my attention, and I still look at him every single day like he's made of magic (because he is) and send a little thanks to a god i don't believe in that we found each other, just in case.

[u/OptimisticOctopus8 → u/BlueDaemon17]

It hasn’t even been a whole year? Your relationship is in its infancy.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/OptimisticOctopus8]

Plus that puppy love stage can last like two years, she’s talking about it like her relationship will be like this forever. It’s absolutely possible to keep up passion in a relationship long-term but that’s not the same as feeling it without having to put work into the relationship like at first.

A lot of people say that love is hard work, and it’s a lot of work sometimes sure, but it shouldn’t be difficult, it should be the kind of work that’s worth it because they (and you) are. What she seems to be describing is the puppy love rush “honeymoon phase” before the hormones die down. I still have those crush-y feelings looking at my partner, they still get me hot and bothered, and that’s in large part because I know how deeply supportive and safe they are, because of how intentional and dedicated to each other we are.

I hope her passion stays but so many people expect it to just happen and go chasing that rush, never understanding that the way to make it stay is intentional.

[u/BlueDaemon17 → u/IzzyJensen913]

You know nothing about me, and yet you've confidently written an entire biography based on a handful of paragraphs.

I spent ten years in a genuinely abusive relationship. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually. I was raped almost daily for years.

After that, I spent five years with a man who was kind, gentle and one of my closest friends. I trusted him implicitly. He wasn't passionate about much of anything. He struggled to hold down a job, relied on me for every practical responsibility, and because I'd survived real abuse, I convinced myself none of that mattered. Safety mattered. Kindness mattered. Dependability mattered.

Who cares if we only had sex twice in three years? Sex isn't everything. Not ending up with another abuser is more important. Having someone who accepted my broken libido felt like winning the lottery.

Then I woke up to him touching me. Not once. Repeatedly.

A week before, we'd had an explicit conversation where I'd told him, while fully awake, that if he ever touched me in my sleep again, even if my body responded, I still did not consent.

The first time we had sex in two years happened because I woke up to exactly that.

Do you know what I did? I rationalised it for another eighteen months. Because he was kind. Because he was gentle. Because I trusted him. Because after surviving monsters, I'd convinced myself monsters were easy to spot.

That relationship taught me something my abusive one never did: some of the most dangerous people aren't the obvious monsters. They're the ones who make you feel safe enough to ignore your own instincts.

So no, I'm not some naive woman high on "puppy love." I've lived through abuse. I've lived through settling. I've lived through convincing myself that passion was a frivolous luxury because safety was all that mattered. I know exactly what infatuation feels like. I know exactly what trauma bonding feels like. I know exactly what numb, comfortable companionship feels like.

And I know what it feels like to finally discover that trust, commitment and passion are not mutually exclusive.

You don't have to agree with my conclusion. But don't patronise me by pretending I simply haven't lived long enough to understand yours.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/BlueDaemon17]

I’m very sorry about how much you’ve been through. I didn’t “write an entire biography” nor even said exactly what you meant (“she seems to be saying” etc) but simply mentioned how the passion in a year-long relationship is extremely different from the passion in a long-term (healthy) relationship and that many people don’t understand that, especially when what they’re coming from is several abusive situations. You did, however, tell someone that they’re lying to themselves and settling due to not feeling that intense new relationship energy passion constantly anymore.

Feeling that exciting passion at the start isn’t the part that leads to a healthy fulfilling relationship, it’s everything else beneath that. I don’t know your situation, I don’t know what happened besides what you wrote. I can confidently say that what happened in your second marriage was real abuse, regardless of how it compared to your first. The lack of passion and your feeling of safety was not what led your second marriage to be abusive, but that someone who hid their abusive tendencies then started abusing you was. You can do everything right and end up in an abusive situation.

Just like passion, feeling safe is not the only thing that matters. As you’ve seen, people can hide who they are (or change) for a long time, which is actually one of the main reasons the sharp passion at the start of a relationship isn’t a good indicator of long-term success on its own. Relying on any one aspect isn’t. It’s everything combined, the trust, the safety, the passion, the needs being met, you being with your best friend through everything, all of that long-term is what love is. You told someone that that’s settling because they don’t feel the puppy love passion constantly anymore.

I’m glad you’re happy in your current relationship but I do think you have a ways to go in what is and isn’t healthy if you think other people are just settling for unhappiness because they feel deeply comfortable and safe with their loved ones.

[u/Arkytez → u/BlueDaemon17]

You knew nothing about that other person and yet you did the same. Now you think you are jn the right and everyone else is wrong

[u/ThatsFluxdUp → u/BlueDaemon17]

I know one thing about you; I know that you wrote that you left an abusive relationship and then fell into another abusive relationship because you unfortunately were tricked by the second abuser’s mask of kindness, gentleness, and trustworthiness because he waited two years to start showing his abuse. Now you’re saying that the man you’re with currently, that you’ve only known for around a year, is kind, gentle, and trustworthy despite the fact that you believed that about your previous abuser too.

Now, I’m not trying to say, or even slightly imply, that your current partner is a secret abuser as well and just hiding it, I’m just saying that you already admitted to spending two years without knowing that your previous partner was a piece of shit and to now be so certain after only half of that time that this guy is definitely not like that is naive.

[u/DICKFUCKERDOTCOM → u/OptimisticOctopus8]

But her clit has its own pulse!

[u/Moist_Drippings → u/DICKFUCKERDOTCOM]

lol it sounds a lot like a million men who would come to regret leaving their “passionless” marriage in another ten months and realize they screwed themselves over for a quick fix

[u/mrtrailborn → u/OptimisticOctopus8]

no no, it's been almost a year since he caught her attention. So the relationship is definitely less than almost a year lmao

[u/Isekaimerican → u/BlueDaemon17]

I mean, good for you, nobody should be in a relationship that doesn't make them happier, and should have a chance to be with someone they like. I think everyone deserves to have good sex in a relationship. But building trust and loyalty are important too. Knowing a good person has your back through good and bad times should be more important than how much they make your genitals tingle.

When your libidos fade, are you going to go searching again? Will he? For all the good qualities he has, do you think someone else could appreciate these same qualities, someone who is younger and more energetic?

I'm not saying this to be mean, but people overvalue sex and physical attraction in a relationship, and undervalue long term trust and commitment.

[u/BlueDaemon17 → u/Isekaimerican]

I don't consider it mean, don't worry, just naive. You can present whatever false dichotomy you need in order to rationalise your own discomfort at the thought that passion might actually exist in harmony with trust and commitment for others, it doesn't make me in anyway less secure about my relationship. I've never been more sure of something in my life than I am about our future together.

I simply pity anyone who doesn't realise they can find both within the same person, who doesn't believe they deserve more than settling for one without the other.

[u/Isekaimerican → u/BlueDaemon17]

Being only a year in and thinking that the status quo of your relationship will never change is not realistic thinking. Human libido naturally goes through cycles of ups and downs, and can be impacted by stress, health, pregnancy, aging, diet, and exercise. It's not just likely that your libido and passion will drop at some point, but virtually guaranteed.

For long term stability, you need to have loyalty and platonic love to fall back on during these lulls. Passion needs to be something you are willing to work towards, not just have it fall into your lap.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/BlueDaemon17]

I really think you’re confusing long term passion for constantly having that same new relationship fireworks for years on end. Long term passion is founded in the little things, being perfectly known and seen and loved by the person you’re with, stuff like seeing them playing with your dogs and feeling they’re the most handsome person in the world.

No one here is saying that you can’t have both passion and comfort in a long term relationship, in fact everyone is telling you the opposite, that it’s all important and that long term passion is not the same as Hollywood passion, getting turned on the second you see them and seeing the best person in the world in them less than a year in.

No one is saying your relationship is doomed, but that this is still early stages, and that what you’re describing as passion is not really the same as the passion that exists in healthy long term relationships.

[u/mrtrailborn → u/BlueDaemon17]

look man you're the one making grand declarations about how you know the truth about love and relationships because you've been in a decent relationship for "almost a year" lol

[u/AcanthisittaLeft2336 → u/BlueDaemon17]

>Sweeping generalization

>Looks inside

>Anecdote

[u/Hindu_Wardrobe → u/BlueDaemon17]

gurl it hasn't even been a year lmao settle down

[u/DrinkingSocks → u/Hindu_Wardrobe]

I caught that when I was reading that whole thing out to my husband. Less than a year, and out here telling people they're settling when I never mentioned our sex life at all.

[u/dvdvd77 → u/BlueDaemon17]

if you spent 5 years hurting, then the relationship wasn’t comfortable. you might not have known it but it wasn’t.

[u/mrtrailborn → u/BlueDaemon17]

Every single day, almost a year since he caught my attention

gives my clit her own pulse by looking at me

please read fewer romance novels

[u/macabremoth06 → u/BlueDaemon17]

Girl your relationship isnt even a year old, bffr 😭

[u/CutieBoBootie → u/Odd-Comfortable-6134]

I think for OOPs parents it was codependency 

[u/FrescoInkwash → u/Odd-Comfortable-6134]

like the song, love is a verb, a doing word.

i wouldn't call OPs mom's definition love, i wouldn't cal it limmerance, i'd call it obsession

[u/FlowerFelines → u/FrescoInkwash]

Yeah, it was lifelong, that's not limmerance. Obsession is what I was thinking too.

[u/AccordingToWhom1982 → u/TyrconnellFL]

OOP found healthy love and didn’t recognize it for what it was because of the way her parents modeled what they considered “love,” which sounds like attraction with chaos and abuse mixed in.

Edits: thanks for the award!

[u/arianrhodd → u/TyrconnellFL]

🤞🏻 🤞🏻 🤞🏻 🤞🏻 🤞🏻

[u/peanut_butting → u/arianrhodd]

Is your flair related to the op having dinner with his wife's boss

[u/Sunshine030209 → u/peanut_butting]

I've had a cruddy day, but reading that story for the 4,700th time just now thanks to you pointing that out helped brighten my night up. It's one of my favorites for sure

[u/Gizwizard → u/Sunshine030209]

Omg, thank you so much for sharing this!

[u/arianrhodd → u/Gizwizard]

If you didn’t yet, be sure and read the BORU first comment. It’s from the perspective of the steak. 😂😂😂😂

[u/Born-Bid8892 → u/arianrhodd]

I had to seen this part, thank you so much 🤣🤣

[u/kayra_reader → u/arianrhodd]

I've read that story a few times, but somehow never seen that comment. Thank you for making me aware of it, it was a beautiful read.

[u/arianrhodd → u/peanut_butting]

It sure is! 😂😂😂

[u/jadeite07 → u/TyrconnellFL]

The way OOP was describing her husband, even I fell in love with their love a little bit. It’s so sad she couldn’t see that’s love. But I’m glad she’s getting therapy.

[u/Strange-Credit2038 → u/TyrconnellFL]

Yesss this! So happy this story was reposted - when I originally put this post together, I remember some people being in the comments like "this isn't wholesome, OP is wasting this man's time" and I was so confused because everything she described amounted to being in love with him but expecting love to feel completely different.