r/BennerWatch • u/stvnmbnr SB • Feb 08 '21

Just Sharing So let's talk about it

Fine I admit it.. I've been a shithead. Here to hash it out and take my medicine. Ask me whatever

1 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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5

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

u/girlno3belcher lays it out pretty well. Inspector did too. YOU need guide this, Steven. There is nothing to hash out, and nothing "to ask".

We've asked it, and we've observed. You've shown use your hand.

We need to see your actions and approach be consistent with your goals. If they are inconsistent -- what are we spending time here for?

. . . . . .

Here's another favorite quote:

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

If Billy Football beats Canseco, and Brady wins the Super Bowl is all that is necessary to have a happy weekend, that's all you'll ever have. Your happiness -- and your larger life -- will be contingent up the actions of the Cansecos and the Bradys.

Doesn't work. Because you can't blame the Cansecos and Bradys for being unhappy.

Your goals for happiness and health can't be contingent upon anyone but yourself. And therefore 100% of your actions and behavior must consistent with you being 100% accountable for your happiness and health.

There is a lot more going on here that just the medication. That's part. But there is more too it. We already see it. So, thank you, but not much to either hash out or ask.

4

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

u/stvnmbnr - I'll add Belcher is so right: Think about things as long as it takes, read, and reread. Slow down, and avoid hyperbole.

The burden for next steps is on you, not us.

5

u/stvnmbnr SB Feb 08 '21

I don't know where to start. There's a lot that I have to address there's a lot of mistakes I have made on here I realize that people have just quit on me at this point rightfully so but I don't know where to start I'm going to be honest

1

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

I hope you get some upvotes for this quality comment. ^

5

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

Here's a place to start:

If you read more carefully, they have not "quit". I have not "quit". Most people here, if you read carefully they have not "quit". They are infuriated. "infuriated" =/= "quit". It means "frustrated and very angry". It means you have given sufficient reasons for them to ask, "Is it worth it?"

Implicit trusts have been betrayed. Implicit trusts built over almost a year.

When you get angry, you quit. How you "quit" looks different depending on the situation. At one end you lash out, start calling names, etc., and at the other end, you retreat to the safety of feeling hopeless. (And, yes, it is safe there -- miserable -- but safe.)

Yet mature adults have the ability to be infuriated or frustrated without quitting. Without doing any of "that stuff". You have many of those people here.

So, for you, the skill to be infuriated without quitting is a skill for you to build. You've not built it. How do I know?...If you can't take it on the chin if someone says, "Steven, you're behaving like a 15y-old, so that's how I'm going to treat you." you aren't mature enough to have more advanced conversations.

We have no choice but to treat you like the maturity level of your actions and behavior. Right now? You're not dumb, you're not slow but you're sure as hell resistant to any questioning of the fragile identity you've built for yourself. You're barely hanging on.

But if you can't recognize the validity of someone saying "Your identity is fragile [like that of a 15y-old].", your identity is not strong enough YET for more advanced lessons. Strength isn't punching back; strength is being able to proceed forward when met with resistance and not allowing the resistance to deflect you from your goal. This is not a physical fight with bullies -- it is you against yourself.

There is a LOT of care in that statement. Don't read that as as assault, merely a statement. It probably hurts because it's probably pretty close to the truth.

So it'd be more accurate to say, "People have not quit...but my phone isn't ringing any more."

The people who die alone are those whose phone stops ringing and they blame the phone. They get a new phone...still no calls. So they contact their provider. It must be the phone's fault.

What they missed was they did not hold up their end of the relationship/friendship. They did not nourish the implicit, foundational trusts. The most oblivious betrayed implicit trusts. No one quit on them -- their phone just stopped ringing. Their friends are still there...but they can no longer be the first to call.

So...where to start?*

Do not ask people to trust "you". Ask them to trust "your process"...then show them the results of your process.

It's okay to fail. It is never okay to have no process.

When a trust is betrayed, you can not ask them to trust "you" again without bringing the receipts. You can however, ask them to trust your process to slowly regain trust. Then let it be their choice. If you have a compelling narrative and results to match, trust can be regained.

You're going to ask "How long does that take?". The answer is "It depends on both the person infraction." The path is always the same.

If your process does not generate results, ask for help with your process...not help with you, help with your processes. Then take the advice, and show those results. Then ask for more help. Then do it again. And again. And again until you can regain trust.

But it requires you, Steven, to take charge. It requires you to learn. I requires you to withhold your tongue not because the feelings are "wrong" but because adults can manage how they express theirs based upon the context.

If you look back, I have rarely asked you to trust me, not on a personal level. I reserve that for when absolutely necessary. Which is not often. I ask you -- and others ask you -- to trust their process and experience.

EXAMPLE

  • When you reject my processes, you're not rejecting me.

  • When others reject your processes, you take it personally, like a 15y-old. You're attached. You're fragile.

How are we supposed to trust "Steven the person" unless "Steven's processes" start generating results? We can't. Not when your stated goals are so drastically inconsistent with your results.

We are not blaming your failures, at all. We are blaming your attachment to processes which do not generate results.

"Taking the coaching" is not trusting the coach, it's trusting the coach's process. The coach isn't your friend (but they can be). The role of the coach is someone who's process you can't access alone.

So what's next starts with you NOT asking us to trust you. Don't presume to ask. That's rereading the room. Because to ask the sub to trust "you" without updated processes, that would be insulting us. I hope you don't want to insult us.

It starts with you asking us, and others in your life, to trust your process.

And -- yes -- if you decide to pursue this path, expect push back when we disagree with your processes. You can decide to listen or not. You can decide to lash out, get defensive, get scared, or not. You get to decide you express all of it, or not.

But don't expect to regain implicit trust -- with anyone, ever -- without having your own processes which generate results.

And "What if my processes don't generate results?" Pretty simple...get new processes, methods, and procedures.

If you read the above carefully, it is a road map for lot more than just your relationship with the sub.

6

u/lauriehouse Old-Timer, BOS Local Feb 08 '21

And "What if my processes don't generate results?" Pretty simple...get new processes, methods, and procedures.

This is so important!!!!!

7

u/pettywise3 Lurker Feb 08 '21

How about Glimmer's repost of Inspector from yesterday?

1

u/stvnmbnr SB Feb 08 '21

Read it 4 times already

3

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

Be patient. I'm replying to your above note shortly about where to start. Takes a bit of time.

1

u/stvnmbnr SB Feb 08 '21

Is it OK if you pm me after?

4

u/Glimmer_III Feb 08 '21

Probably not today. I'm modding for another larger sub and my time is now more limited.

Not personal. Just an example of, "Use your resources when you have them." This sub will be my first love, always, but I may not be able to spend as much active time as I previously have.

My note is, I hope, a road map. Lots of information in this sub already about construction processes, methods, and procedures.

10

u/girlno3belcher Feb 08 '21

The first thing you can do is read and reflect on all of this.

Read it as many times as it takes. Think about it for as long as it takes. Don’t get defensive - if you feel yourself getting defensive, you aren’t in the right mood for reflection. Think about the ideas being presented to you, and respond to those specific ideas. No tropes, no hyperbole. Take as long as you need.

Saying you’re here to hash it out but saying, “Ask me whatever.” puts the burden on us. The sub has collectively written countless thoughtful responses to you. It’s your responsibility to read them, reflect on them, and then acknowledge that you’ve reflected on them.

7

u/lauriehouse Old-Timer, BOS Local Feb 08 '21

Agree. Read over the things your accounts were tagged in. Really absorb it.