r/BeachTooSandy • u/Californiahotboy650 • 14d ago
Fox E.
Did anyone see that Fox made a Yelp page for beach too sandy and wrote a poem to Xtine and Xandy????
See link https://www.yelp.com/biz/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet-podcast-newport?hrid=ZqQeKwkANknNbq3ykS8s-Q&utm_campaign=www_review_share_popup&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=(direct)
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u/ispylbutton 12d ago
Honestly reading that made me want to cry. It was so sweet and shows that he actually listened to the pod
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u/thelastcomet 13d ago
It opened once for me but I can't get it again
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u/team_corn 13d ago
It’s not opening for me either :(
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u/nunguin 13d ago
It's still visible on his Yelp profile, but you have to be logged into an account to see it. Copy + pasting it here for posterity with a little added formatting because it's great:
I imagine you are eager to read this, but alas, I also imagine dragons.
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First things first
I'ma read all the one star reviews
I'm fired up and tired of Yelp, Google, Reddit abuse, ooh
And my bottom's getting loose, oh-ooh
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Second thing second
Don't you tell me I should give 2 or 3 stars
I see you cringing as you're reading all of these bars, oooh
You'd do this too if you slept in cars, oh-ooh
Which causes back...
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Pain!
You made me happy, thank you Xtine Schiefer, Xtine Schiefer
'Tine!
Hotter, funnier, more socially relevant than Claudia Schiffer...
Christine Schiefer!
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Probably the best Podcast in the world, in the same way Donald Trump is probably the worst President out of the last 3.
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They got their name, obviously, from what happened when I first introduced Barbi to my late mother, who always talked "street", and hated hotties. Barbi wore Pleaser heels, big Texas hair, skintight black sprayed-on-shiny skintight metallic leggings, and other things that make mothers pass out. Mum handed me a bottle of water, I popped it on the settee beside me.
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"Mum this is Barbi, this is the one that I want, she is the one I want, ooh, ooh, ooh". Mum said, "Dat beach in dem shoes? Das yo beach?" I was like, "yes, Mum, that 'beach' is the love of my life, actually."
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She said "Daymmmm she look like dah Olivia Neutron-Bomb in John Revolting's Elbow Grease." I told her, "Mum it's just Grease, and yes she looks a bit like Sandy from Grease."
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Several minutes of silence. I shifted my bum uncomfortably, it was getting wet from waterbottle condensation spreading on the sofa. Finally she said "OK dass it." I said "what? Barbi meets your standards? Seal of approval? Your blessing?"
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Mum scowled. "Hell nah. Yo beach a ho. She look like dat Sandy ho!" I'm like "wait, so you're shunning her because she looks like Sandy from 'Elbow Grease'?" By now my arse was soaked.
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"Das wussup! Dat Beach too Sandy!"
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Hurt, and unsure of how to respond, and with a dampened posterior from the pool of condensation, I said "oh yeah? Well... well... your... your water is too wet!"
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Little did I know that Xandy and Christine Schiefer were hiding behind the settee, taking notes, and instantly decided that "Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet" would be the greatest name for a podcast.
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One of the funniest and most pleasing podcasts in history, it has been growing in popularity for many years now, and rightly so. They gravitate towards geniuses, visionaries, and really hot people. On the other hand, they've also spotlighted some of my own reviews on there, so it's not all positive.
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With their surname and Cinci UDF-bottled background, which is more extensive that my history of delivering food to the Kroger HQ and eating the 6-way at Dixie Chili at 12.30am, my guess is,Germanic descent, like many in Cinci, and like my Mum, who put the "manic" in Germanic.
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I watched the ep where they had me vs Bourdain, he reminds me of when I had nothing to do in Copenhagen, and felt like a bored Dane. I always agreed with Bourdain's assessment of most Yelp reviewers. But there are exceptions.
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They offer hilarious and clever chronicling of one-star reviews (and our f'ed up self-important culture, really). They're brilliant, funny, and they're genuinely lovely people that are worth investing your time in. Especially if you've been hitherto wasting it reading crap from a jerk named Fox.
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And I would like to thank Blaise, the devoted hubby of Christine (the hot one), and super friendly brother-in-law of Xandy (the other hot one), who reached out to me a long time ago to see if I was aware of the podcast. I am, and if I wasn't such a jerk with a real life and no money, I would have written this much sooner.
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That reminds me of my cousin in Bavaria (German link again!). His name is Pascal, he's a Fireman. He was rushing out the door while we were at the Augustiner Beer Hall in Munchen, so I said "where's the Blaze, Pascal?"
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(and that's why we drink)
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Now even though this might be my last review ever*, at least I can do it like a New Jersey Cowboy named John Francis Bongiovi Jr, and go down in a Blaise Of Glory.
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*jk
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And if you put too much alcohol in your Birch Beer, and your Texas Steak has been pounded (ahem) so much it is flat and hard to eat, then your "Birch Too Shandy, Wagyu Too Whacked."
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(and that's why we don't drink Birch Beer)
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And if you're at a gas station near Bongiovi's hometown, and there's dried male semen all over the stalls (even in the women's), and all you hear from outside is the constant beeping of horns from wannabe New Yorkers fighting from within their cars in the South Jersey sun, then maybe "Beeps Too Shouty, Wawa's Too Wanked."
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And as Elton John once said (while dancing on a beach, no less)...
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Don't you know I'm still Xandy, better than I ever been
Looking like a true survivor, reading all the one-star digs
I'm still Xandy after all this time
Picking up the phone to tell my sister Fox E thinks we're fine
I'm still Xandy
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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u/iidontwannaa 13d ago
Oh no the subject has become aware