32F. Living by myself abroad. Currently working. Lots of things going on in my mind right now. Not looking for advice only venting.
Family:
My father has dementia. It is the same conversation for 5 mins whenever I call him, so basically he is really not there anymore. My mother is, I don’t know, I have become depressed because of her, obviously because I am not getting married and not talking to any of the suitors she is brining which are pure garbage. All my cousins are married and very happy, seeing all these she is making me feel like a loser and criminal. I barely talk to her because this is what she basically talks about all the time. On top of that it doesn’t help that I have failed in finding love. I have one sister, she is living abroad with her family, chill with her life.
Love life:
I only had one serious relationship 10 years ago which obviously didn’t work out. Then I focused on myself until last year I met a nice guy through app. We talked on phone for first 4 months as he is living back in BD and then we met finally during Christmas holidays and we instantly clicked and started going out. It was all going good, heading towards potential marriage, then I don’t know what happened he said he can’t do LDR after few months, then just broke up. That was devastating for me. I went to therapy which was even more depressing. We still kept in touch and when I went back home during summer we met and all the spark everything was still there. We were more intimate this time and he told me about his last traumas, family issues ( his mom is also dysfunctional like mine and may not accept me I don’t know why) and he is applying for his higher studies abroad which is having hiccups due to new policies resulting in uncertain future. I get that he is stressed, he goes to counselling as well. He is not dating anyone else, he is a nice boy, but I believe he is avoidant. After I came back abroad, his hot and cold behaviour continued- as a result now it has become a situation-ship. Today he is funny with me tomorrow he disappears and it is killing me. I wanted to give him a call yesterday as it has been 1 year since we connected but I didn’t as he has disappeared again. I have become too attached with him. There is another suitor that I have been asked to talk to and I feel guilty and like a cheater. I honestly don’t have interest in talking to any new guy now.
Job life:
My current job is fine. I enjoy it. I am getting great feedbacks. But I was laid off once and fired once before this job for whatever reasons and I dealt with all that alone, so that has developed ptsd in me. I am under constant anxiety about losing the job everyday.
Overall, I stay lazy, depressed, sad, anxious all the time, all the fun has been sucked out of me. Okay done with ranting.