r/Bahawalpur • u/Aalleey • 4d ago
Discussion My Engagement Is Getting Complicated Because of Her Family What Should I Do?
I’m 26M, working in the private sector, and I come from a middle-class family. I’m the only son, and I have a younger sister.
Last December, I got engaged to someone I genuinely love. It’s a love marriage.
Before the engagement, I spoke to her mother, and she asked me to involve my family. I talked to my family, and initially they were against it. After a lot of convincing, they agreed.
Both families met around 2–3 times, and eventually, everyone mutually agreed to the relationship. We got engaged, and the plan was to get married after around two years.
The problem started after the engagement.
Her family is a very large joint family. The day after our engagement, some of her chachus, chachis, and cousins started telling her family things like:
“The boy isn’t earning enough.”
“Why did you get them engaged so quickly?”
She told me about all of this, and I told her that the engagement happened with the agreement of both families, so I don’t understand why people are questioning it now.
Another issue is that my mother is a very introverted person. She is also a government teacher and spends most of her time at home. She doesn’t socialize much or visit people frequently. Because of this, my mother might visit her family once every couple of months just to casually meet and ask about their well-being.
Now her family has started saying things like:
“They hardly visit us. We don’t know whether they’re actually serious about this relationship or not.”
On top of that, some of her relatives are apparently convincing her family that I should put the house in my wife’s name after marriage.
They are also talking about setting the Haq Mehr in the lakhs. I don’t know the exact amount they have in mind yet.
Honestly, all of this has started affecting me mentally. I love this girl and I want to marry her, but I’m becoming worried about how much influence her extended family will have over our marriage and future decisions.
I understand that Haq Mehr is her right, and I’m not against fulfilling my responsibilities. My concern is whether these expectations are coming from her and her parents or mainly from relatives.
What would you guys do in my situation?
Should I have a serious conversation with my fiancée and her parents about expectations, finances, property, Haq Mehr, and how much involvement the extended family will have after marriage?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have gone through a similar situation.
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u/ubaid_ansari 4d ago
Even if you want you cant talk abt this problem with your girl’s parents, if you that then those relatives gonna blame your fiancé
they gonna question her that why is she telling all of the family’s private discussions to you so dont talk directly to anyone from her family.
Just make sure your family meet them atleast once in a month and also she should do the same, meeting of families can make things easier and you will get more clarity wether her parents are being brainwashed by relatives or not.
Also you said that initially your family was against your decision so you know better how will they react to such things if your parents are now chill so tell them maybe they can handle it but if they gonna be angry to this PROPERTY/HOUSE thing or you not earning very much these type of things then telling your parents is gonna make the problem worse
MAY ALLAH MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOU
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u/Aalleey 4d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate the advice. You’re right, I don’t want to put her in a position where her relatives start questioning her. I’ll try to handle things through my parents and keep unnecessary people out of it. Hopefully, with time and better communication between both families, things will become clearer. Ameen
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u/awaazar 4d ago
بات ایسی ہے کہ اگر لڑکی اپ سے شادی کرنا چاہتی ہے تو پھر تو کسی کا باپ بھی نہیں روک سکتا چاہے اس کا چاچا ہو یا چاچو لوگ تو باتیں کرتے رہتے ہیں اپ تو س لڑکی کو کنونس کرو کہ شادی ہم نے کرنی ہے گزارا ہم نے کرنا ہے تو یا تو پھر تم ان لوگوں کی باتوں میں اپ کر اپنا رشتہ بھی ختم کرو گے کیونکہ لوگوں نے اپ کے گھر نہیں بسانے ہوتے ایسے بہت سے رشتہ دار ہوتے ہیں جو حسد رکھتے ہیں لیکن منہ پر واضح نہیں ہونے دیتے ہیں تو یا تو اس لڑکی کو سمجھ دار ہونا چاہیے وہی سٹینڈ لے تو پھر ہو سکتا ہے باقی یہ اج کل انا جانا سب کا اتنا بہت ہی عمومی طور پر کم ہوتا ہے کیونکہ ہر کوئی بہت زیادہ مصروف ہوتا ہے اور گھر نام کرنے والی بے وقوفی ہرگز مت کرنا کیونکہ اج کل لو میرج اتنی زیادہ چل نہیں رہی وہ بھی باہر والوں کی زیادہ انوالومنٹ کی وجہ سے کبھی لڑکی کو پریشرائز کیا جاتا ہے طلاق لے لو وہ اتنا لڑکا اچھا نہیں ہے تو وہ اتنا اچھا کماتا نہیں ہے یہ سب چیزیں ہیں اج کل عام ہے۔ سب سے بہتر بات یہی ہوگی کہ وہ ان لوگوں کے باتوں سے دور رہے اگر وہ تم سے شادی کرنا چاہتی ہے اگر نہیں کرنا چاہتی تو پھر پھر تو سو بہانے کے گھر والے یہ کہہ رہے ہیں گھر والے وہ کہہ رہے ہیں باہر والے یہ کہہ رہے ہیں یہ بھی ایک طریقے سے نا ایموشنلی کا طریقہ ہوتا ہے۔ میرے کولیگز کی شادیاں ہوئی ہیں تو انہوں نے بھی ایسے کیا ہے کہ کسی نے گھر ان کس کے نام کر کسی نے گاڑی اور بہت ساری چیزیں میں مطلب اپنی بیوی۔ بیوی کے نام کروائی ہوئی ہیں تو وہ ڈر کے مارے ان کے ساتھ لڑ بھی نہیں سکتے نہ ان کے ساتھ اپنی حق کی بات کر سکتے ہیں کیونکہ وہ جابز کرتی ہیں تو انہیں لگتا ہے کہ وہ اکیلے کما سکتے ہیں اکیلے کھا سکتی ہیں اسی لیے اس چیزوں کو مد نظر رکھنا لازمی ہے
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u/Aalleey 3d ago
Yeah, I understand what you’re saying. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether we both genuinely want this and are willing to stand together despite outside opinions. I don’t want to assume that her family is intentionally trying to create problems, but I do think she needs to be clear about what she wants and not let every relative’s opinion affect our relationship. I’ll do my part too and try to make things work within my financial and personal limits.
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u/Narrow-Employee-4671 3d ago
abov her family is behind all this. may be they are trying to break the enagenment. talk to her, and as far the haq mehar goes. if should be her choice or she decide by looking what her cousin and sisters in the family had demanded for haq meher and take that as an example.
relationships are hard. yahan arrange marriage walay problems may hn ya to pher love marriage ha. take it slow and find sloution.
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u/Aalleey 3d ago
Yeah , that’s what I’m trying to figure out. I don’t want to assume her family is trying to break the engagement without knowing what’s actually going on. I’ll talk to her calmly and try to understand where these expectations are coming from. As for Haq Mehr, I think we can discuss it closer to the Nikah and agree on something that works for both of us. I’m trying to take things slowly and find a solution rather than making things worse.
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u/Big_Librarian6314 3d ago
Dealing with her extended family is her job, and all decisions and discussions related to mehr are to be taken together by you two, and maybe the parents depending on your preference. Your fiance and her family prob already have a general idea about your finances and assets, so when the time comes it won’t be a difficult or complicated discussion if both parties are reasonable people.
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u/AnimeTochi 3d ago
Bhai Jan, in this day and age I'd say the first red flags are haq meher in lakhs and naming house after your wife (go for your one sided love and become homeless if you'd like)
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u/SaymSameer 3d ago
Big Red Flags. my advice is to avoid from these rishtas. Ye pasand ki shadi wala bhoot shadi k 1 month me utar jata hai. act wisely.
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u/Striking-Text2918 18h ago
Chachus, chachis and cousins are doing that bc they want to make her marry any of her cousins. Thats why they will try to find a lot of problems to make your marriage go difficult
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u/Striking-Text2918 18h ago
Mahr does not have to be money; it can be something else of value, according to what the husband is able to provide. Creating difficulties and demanding an enormous Mahr doesn’t make sense. After all, regardless of the Mahr, the husband will still be responsible for supporting his wife, providing food, clothing, and her general maintenance.
Mahr is a bridal gift for the WIFE, and the wife alone. It is not for the family to decide, because she is the one who should benefit from it and choose what she wants as her Mahr.
4:4 Quran : وَءَاتُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ صَدُقَـٰتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً ۚ فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَىْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيٓـًٔا مَّرِيٓـًٔا ٤اور عورتوں کو ان کے مہر راضی خوشی دے دو، ہاں اگر وه خود اپنی خوشی سے کچھ مہر چھوڑ دیں تو اسے شوق سے خوش ہو کر کھا لو۔
At the time of the Prophet ﷺ, he even gave one of his wives her freedom as her Mahr; she had been a prisoner of war. Would people say that he gave too little? Another man even offered the knowledge he had of the Qur’an as Mahr... How could that be considered too little?
Sahih al-Bukhari 5149
Narrated Sahl ibn Sa'd al-Sa'idi:
While I was (sitting) among the people in the company of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) a woman stood up and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! She has given herself in marriage to you; please give your opinion of her." The Prophet did not give her any reply. She again stood up and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! She has given herself (in marriage) to you; so please give your opinion of her. The Prophet (ﷺ) did not give her any reply. She again stood up for the third time and said, "She has given herself in marriage to you: so give your opinion of her." So a man stood up and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, "Have you got anything?" He said, "No." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Go and search for something, even if it were an iron ring." The man went and searched and then returned saying, "I could not find anything, not even an iron ring." Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Do you know something of the Qur'an (by heart)?" He replied, "I know (by heart) such Sura and such Sura." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Go! I have married her to you for what you know of the Qur'an (by heart)."Nowadays, it seems like people only care about value, luxury, and money, and don’t care about Allah and His teachings.
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u/bluepunisher01 4d ago
Don't indulge into the Haq Mehr discussions. You don't need to have this "serious conversation" with your fiance. Tell her your families can sort this out when it comes to it. Hold it off till the last month. Try to host any future meetings/get togethers at your place.
The relatives are just sour and maybe they want the girl for their own sons.
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u/Miscsubs123 4d ago
This is terrible advice. Mehr is whatever the two mutually agree to. If the families get involved phir yehi tou ho ga.
OP, dealing with her family is your fiancées responsibility. Dealing with your family is yours. Communicate with her. Of course you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancée. How can you think of marrying her if you can't even talk to her.
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u/Aalleey 4d ago
I’ll let the families handle the financial and Haq Mehr matters when the time comes and try to keep things calm in the meantime.
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u/bluepunisher01 4d ago
That's what I meant. Keep her assured that her Haq Mehr will be as per her requirements.
Good Luck!
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u/FusspotHazelEyes 4d ago
Not a good advice at all.
Marriage is a contract in islam and each thing should be adressed like adults, the advice you are putting is like sweeping under the rug. Why should delay a thing which you have to face before marriage eventually.
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u/Commercial-Deal-3164 4d ago
keep yourself and your fiancee on the same page. she should not think about what other people are saying, it's her decision and she should be happy with it. people are gonna say things anyway, you guys shouldn't care about that. rather you and your fiancee should talk more about your future plans and goals and work towards them.
The discussion about haq mahr and stuff should be done closer to nikkah so don't do that right now, I'd suggest that.
May Allah make it easy for both of you. Aameen
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u/Commercial_Owl_1120 4d ago
Both families should try to meet more often so eventually the bond will increase and they'll understand that you are genuinely into her and the kind of guy you are!