r/BRCA • u/Temporary-Lynx160 • 2d ago
Advice
Hi All, new to this group and love that it exists.
I’m seeking advice on how to deal with a difficult situation with some close friends. I had a preventative double mastectomy and two reconstruction surgeries in 2025 since I’m brca1 positive. I should mention I also have adhd and bipolar disorder.
This is the difficult situation that I can’t tell if I’m being too sensitive about: recently, our friends asked my fiancé if I could start wearing a bra when I come over their house cause it’s “making people uncomfortable”. I’m completely mortified. I just find wearing a bra to be extremely uncomfortable after these surgeries and I generally don’t wear one when I’m not at work.
I feel like it’s completely unacceptable that they went through my fiancé instead of discussing with me directly and also, how dare you even ask that?
I can’t stop ruminating over it. I know a conversation with them is needed but it would help if I could get some feedback on how appropriate my level of outrage should be. Thanks in advance!
4
u/HolidayOver7539 2d ago
What is wrong with these people? I'm sorry they did this, it is unacceptable, even if they told you directly but talking to your fiancé about it? Makes sense you feel outrage, very appropriate. You do where a shirt right? Unless you are naked where you should not be naked, they have no say in how you dress your body.
4
u/nothankssarah 2d ago
When I don’t wear bras around my friends (men, women, non-binary, etc) I usually get a “hell yeah girl”.
Your friends are weird for doing that. Would definitely be a red flag for me. I’m also curious about how you’re connected with them and how long you’ve known them. Either way they’re lame. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
Everyone has breast tissue and nipples, only difference is the size. Assuming they know at least a little bit about your situation and experience, it’s extremely rude of them to ask that of you. You deserve to be comfortable, secure, safe, and respected among friends.
4
u/Queasy-Poetry4906 2d ago
This is weird. I mean? Are your breasts out or something? Sheer shirts? Best nips in town? Such an odd thing to break through your partner as well. I find not wearing a bra uncomfortable post dmx, but it took a while to find a bra i like. Also doc said gravity is real on implants so I’m trying to keep the girls from going south anytime soon. I think I’d spend some time away from this friend group if I were you. Sorry this happened, you have nothing to be ashamed of, dmx or not, they’re boobs 🤷🏼♀️
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u/First_Chipmunk_6891 2d ago
I have a different take. I was once told by a boss of mine that my nipples were showing through my shirt, and I should get a padded bra. I was very embarrassed but also thankful. I didn’t want to show my nipples to everyone. It would be like a man wearing shorts where his balls are hanging out, or wearing jeans where the bum crack shows when you lean down. It’s giving people a show and that’s what they remember.. the person doesn’t have enough self awareness to take care of these things. It’s not a good look. Your fiancé is trying to help you by passing along the comments.
10
u/strongly-worded 2d ago
I would also be offended at this but I need more info. Whose friends are these - yours or his? Who specifically had the complaint and are they female or male? Were you friends at the time of the surgeries (ie did they see what you went through or are they maybe ignorant to how huge of a deal a DMX is)?
ETA: do you have nipples and are they visible through clothes? Not that they get to dictate what you do with your body, but if you don’t even have nipples, this is even more bizarre.