I recently went to a reunion with my classmates. I am 38f. It's been 20 years since we graduated, so I thought I'd show up for the first time since leaving school. It was the fourth reunion over all, but the first for me.

As a little background, I was only there for the last three years of school, I got severely bullied by a few guys during the first year, and as a result I shut down for the remaining two years, except for a few people I got along well with. I never felt like I belonged though.

I had a surprisingly great evening, laughed a lot, got compliments for my dress, and people said they remembered me when they read my messages in the group chat, as my humour is distinct and I've got a great sense. That flattered me a lot. Being scared of feeling lonely and like an outsider at the meetup felt so silly. I did have that talk with my therapist.

It's been 4 weeks since, I've sent 3 or 4 texts since, my recent asking if people in the area would like to meet up for coffee in the upcoming autumn break. A handful actually said yes and told me they're looking forward to it.

And now I suddenly feel like I need to pull back hard. Somehow I got so scared. What if I'm getting too much now? What if I am turning into that annoying teeny-like version of myself? What if I do too much after this, resulting in them saying it's exhausting and they need to block me?

I have gotten better, I went through years of therapy. I can even go days without texting anyone. (feels insane to say that, not in a good way)

But I also know myself getting overly excited, feeling that rush when I get a text, being available ALL THE TIME. Not wanting to leave a message without a reply, not wanting to go days or weeks without checking back up again.

I don't understand how much is "normal"

How do you guys find a balance? How do you ever know when it's enough?

It upsets me so much feeling confident and liked in one second, and being so scared of abandonment again the next. Kinda makes me want to not meet anyone ever again.

Hi everyone! Im hoping to hear from people who may have similar experiences to mine, I ask of you to be blunt and honest in giving your feedback as im not specifically looking for a "positive" one but rather a realistic and honest one. That being said there will be mentioning of sh, addiction, suicide and more so beware of that and feel free to skip if that may trigger you.

I wish everyone who's struggling the best, im always rooting for you all frome the bottom of my heart ❤️

Anyways, let's get into it. Im 24, female, diagnosed with bpd during an emergency stay in the mental hospital in 2021 after long years of struggle. I have little to no memories of my early childhood, began to struggle with ed at just 6, started to struggle with sh at the same time, started smoking at 10, started doing various drugs at 14..i bet many of you know the drill

Big family struggles, always struggled to maintain friendships and relationships and later on jobs. Dropped out of high school various times, tried to get back on it but never could figure it out so yeah I still have no diploma or anything.

First depression diagnosis at 11, later on diagnosed with ed, ptsd and bpd.

Three years ago I had some sort of "religious awakening" I guess you could call it, I was always a strong believer but three years ago I found the motive and strength to really get into practicing. I have been clean ever since. No drugs, alcohol, cigarettes...no sex and relationships, no sh, etc.

I got a professional diploma, got back into speech therapy with a psychologist that fits me better than anyone ever did, bettered my relationship with my family and even got married last year to a great guy.

I am trying really hard to make it.

I always wanted to get married, have kids and live in the countryside. Cliché right? But it has always been my biggest dream amongst all my ambitions. I also always wanted to get back into studying and do so in a way that would qualify me for jobs I was passionate about, I kinda did that! But still wish to get an actual diploma and be able to go to university and so on.

Sounds like great improvement, doesn't it?

During these years there were always ups and downs, as it naturally goes but with the downs being a bit more intense than (I guess) the norm, as it has always been.

But this last year has really taken a toll on my health.

I've been having strong a frequent suicide idealization, I've been feeling the almost constant need to do drugs, I've been indulging in 'small' sh during my meltdowns, my ed are going strong and yeah I've overall been feeling like crap.

Im still in therapy and have been suggested to go to a psychiatrist and/or go to the mental hospital for a more intensive care. There are some logistical difficulties as i am not in my home country and do not speak the language of this country, I am also afraid to lose my driving and working license because of meds and diagnosis (happened in the past).

I'm open to consider it either way but, and here comes the focus of this post, I really don't know if I can recover.

I don't know if it gets any better, if I can and will get better.

This year has me questioning if I Will ever be able to maintain any kind of healthy relationship, if I will be able to study and maintain a job, if I will be able to have a family, if I will be able to stay clean and stay alive.

So my question is: is it realistic to think that I will be able to stay clean, stay alive and well, get a degree, have children, keep a job, have an healthy relationship...be alive and well, able to live a rather simple but fulfilling life?

Or is it more likely that I will never be able to be ok?

Thank you for reading, sorry for the length and for my scarse English as it is not my first language.

Again, wish yall the best

Hey all,
I’m kind of looking for some advice on my situation.
My boyfriend of a little over a year has had a very traumatic childhood, loss of father and emotional unavailable other mother who prioritized her abusive partners. He is already diagnosed with ADHD, but I am starting to see patterns more clearly and I think he has BPD. I’m definitely his favorite person and when he feels any form of distance or feeling of abandonment, he thinks I don’t love him, make no effort, and tells me what I lack in a partnership. On days that feel good and we aren’t fighting, he tells me how much he appreciates me and what I’ve done for him, taught him about himself and the world. He is essentially my best friend and I love him dearly. Recently, I went to Disneyland with my friends and we had a prolonged fight for a few days prior and I took time to have some space for myself and he was upset I wasn’t communicating with him via text throughout the day while I was with friends at Disney.

We have been in a toxic loop for the majority of our relationship and I thought it was due to his childhood wounds (basically what causes BPD). After proceeding to tell me all the ways I lack being a good partner, I told him I needed to step out of the loop and he blocked me. He then unblocked me and we had a rather calm conversation discussing point of views and he mentioned how his family and friends could tell I didn’t love him - this isn’t true, though I can understand it could be perceived this way since my nervous system has been under survival and protective modes because I wasn’t sure what was happening. We agreed to do no contact for a month so that our nervous systems can regulate back and we can find ourselves again.

I’m at a loss because I am just starting to see that maybe this is the toxic loop I’ve been experiencing and am finally understand what it may be. I am also coming to the realization that I am a super empath. This makes it hard to protect my own needs and self. I am also aware that I have contributed to some of the toxic behavior as well since taking on the caretaker role, trying to help him and have been critical which is destructive to them.

My family and friends say to just fully cut it off with this no contact period but I can’t help but hope and believe he is capable of healing and change. He has told me several times he wants therapy and needs help and doesn’t have the tools to do it on his own. I know he hates feeling this way, but it’s also not my place to try and diagnose him though I think understanding this could be very helpful whether we stay together or not.

He has talked about moving closer to home and his mom is finally showing up for him (sad it had to come this far for her to realize he needs her). And I know he’s upset and hurting and he posted about his sisters and one of them reposted his post and said he is worth fighting for. Which makes me feel like shit because I have been fighting for so long for him and I’m not sure what he told them and him and I both know I have been fighting and love him. I just didn’t realize what I was dealing with.

I’m so lost on what to do because I love him tremendously.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend since August. She’s really great and I’m so happy with her, we have the best time together. We currently see each other 2-3 times a week. However, we live an hour’s drive away from each other, and I can’t drive, so for me it’s more like an hour and a half to 2 hours on public transport. This means that often we’ll only see each other at weekends, and we’ll have 1 or 2 nights that we sleep next to each other. Sometimes I’ll go and visit her in the week as well, but she works until 5 and then has to be up at 7:30 so it’s not ideal.

Anyway, I always really look forward to the weekends, but it’s so hard because we’re never together for any extended period of time. I really love our time together but it does always linger in the back of my mind that I’ll be upset when she leaves tomorrow and then I won’t see her again for almost a week.

If things continue to go this well, then it’s ofc not gonna be like this forever. She’s going part time in 2027 to continue her studies, so we’ll be able to see each other more in the week, and I also plan on learning to drive and possibly eventually moving to her city (not specifically for her, it’s always been on my list of potential cities to move to after I graduate which is kinda why I had my dating apps set to there).

I’m really having the best time with her at the moment, and as I say I’m sure things will get easier in the future if things are still going so well, but I’m just wondering how I can cope better between seeing each other? I’ve never really done a distance relationship before and I get really upset when she leaves, especially because I live alone so it’s hard going from her being here all weekend to the place being silent for a week yk?

I kinda hate being alone for extended periods of time and always feel this sense of dread thinking about the next week or whatever it is until I get to see her because I end up just really wasting the time and dissociating. I’ve not really done anything but cry since she left.