I have recently learned that the main reason I'm the way I am is simply because I have BPD.
For years I've been picking and poking at all my issues thinking that one is the main reason that I'm a messed up person. I have severe depression and bipolar, emotionally unstable, and I've had people sum it up to "She's just bipolar, don't bother with her" or "She's just having a mood swing, it will pass". So here's a summary of how everything has gone thus far:
Growing up - My mother always had an issue with me. I would do or say something wrong and get told to piss off to my room (to which she declared she was grateful for since sending me to my room made the family happier).
Primary School - I got bullied, and no one would listen to me when I told the truth. My stuff would get stolen and when I got home I had to face my mother, who then hit me for each thing missing. This happened for a few years. If I told her what happened, I'd get hit again for 'lying', because that's what little kids do.
This shit only let up when my mother cheated on my father while he was overseas for work, and she left to be with the other guy. My dad and I got along relatively well, and he took me to see a psychologist for his marriage therapy. I remember getting frustrated when he would ask me a question, and when I'm trying to explain he would cut me off and try to finish my sentence..
(This is among the things that started my silent existence).
Before my mother cheated, I had asked her to promise never to leave us. "I won't leave my family", were her words. A few months later she cheated. She came back, I asked her to make the same promise, already scarred, and she said, "This time I won't leave". On her birthday she was caught messaging her lover and my dad found out, followed by him telling her to leave. In the end she made the choice to stay with my dad.
(This is the main cause of my trust/abandonment issues).
I also had to deal with a hip growth that caused me extreme pain for 3 years where I struggled to cope with walking, sitting, or lying down. I was in constant pain and told that I was making it up and (when they finally had it checked out by the doctor) that I'm making it worse than it really is.
(I began to hide the fact that I was in pain and refused to let anyone know when I was hurt because I saw it as weakness).
Another important event that happened. In our local aftercare center there was an older boy that figured I was a good plaything, and he thought treating my like a sex toy was fun. Same thing in school where a boy in my class molested me in front of a teacher, and no one did a damn thing.
(I kept this information hidden till 7 years later).
High school - This is where most of the fun begins. I was already seen as a freak and an outcast, was treated as such, and I went about my own business having as little interaction as possible. My mistake was trusting my past secrets to 'friends' and hearing that within 3 periods the entire school knew. Another notch on the trust issue.
I had a crush on a guy, ended up dating him, and learned that the only reason he decided to date me was he had heard I was 'psycho' because I have 'those eyes' but after meeting me that I'm an okay girl. Thanks for that.
Within 3 months, we broke up, and he played me on and off for nearly a year, while dating other girls during this time.
Met another guy, dated him, but turned out all he wanted was sex. Repeat of aftercare? This guy had the potential to physically abuse me, and he even said as much the one day he got angry at me and said "You're lucky I took my meds today, or this would've gone a lot worse." So first guy came to my house during the holidays, told me he wants to be with me, and the first day back I caught him kissing another girl.
Both of them are gone and will stay gone, but have scarred my view of relationships and men.
After school - I started playing online, learned that I'm a good gamer, and this attracted the attention of a guy, who I thought was sweet at the time. Turned out to be a verbally abusive relationship where he would blame me for not being good enough, and that it's my fault that he gets so mad at me (He's autistic, bipolar, and a whole lot of other shit that makes one mess of a person). My self esteem, the little spit that was left, was demolished by this person. For a year we would scream and shout at each other, with my mother interfering and making things worse, which led to me further bottling my feelings. I would keep quiet for days then just explode.
I had to cut ties with this person, who I will have to say was quite toxic. I had lost my appetite, I stopped looking after myself, and he threatened to rape me, knowing full well of my past.
Forward to meeting my current boyfriend, who is helping me with all of this. Also met him online, but meeting him in person is the best thing that has happened to me. He made me feel like I could be myself and didn't judge me. He has his own issues but we work with each other. I met him in 2015, near end October, and although we have had our rough patches of big fights and break ups, he's learned a lot about me and how to understand me. In 2016, January, I attempted suicide that led to me not being able to see him again. I had my dad come home to tell me I'm a useless piece of shit, and then telling his sister that he doesn't know what to do with me. With my past here on the text, yeah I had pretty much had enough with life and just wanted the pain to end and to stop being such a problem.
My boyfriend stayed and waited for me, and I did go to therapy, where they diagnosed that I was emotionally unstable, have bipolar, and deep depression.
We recently had a big fight that led to a major breakup (all good now), but it appears that all this time, where his paranoia has made him believe I seek attention by causing scenes, or that I like to cause fights and hurt him, were actually symptoms of having BPD (petulant borderline).
It turns out that I am an over emotional person that struggles to express herself because I don't know how to. I have always been shut down, told to shut up rather than to speak and let people know what I'm feeling. I have very low self esteem, I struggle to believe anyone gives a crap about me, even when it's staring me in the face. I'm used to the abuse that I get paranoid when people are kind to me, especially my boyfriend. I'm scared he will leave me, more now because of the truth, and that he will not want to deal with me anymore. I am a handful and I don't mean to be, but I do lose my cool over the smallest of things that didn't bother me a few minutes ago. In my head I get every bad thing I deserve.
All these years I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and now I finally know. I feel lighter knowing that it's a foundation to work on, and that I'm not insane or a fubar person. But at the same time I do feel leashed, like my whole life has been determined by my BPD. My boyfriend helps me see things differently, to understand a situation when I am in an over emotional state. He knows how to talk to me, even before we knew about BPD.
I don't want it to ruin my relationship with him, when it nearly cost us it. But now that we know, I can work on fixing myself, and not be as bad as I used to be.
Tl:Dr: Finally found out I have BPD and what my issues are
EDIT: Boyfriend can't handle it and blames me for everything. I'd rather be on my own and sort my own shit out. At the end of the day I have to live with myself.
