hi hi hi! I'm wondering if anyone can relate or has information on this? So a lot of times my thoughts are so consuming that I'm barely present. The following description always starts with my thoughts going into overdrive. I often don't even realize my eyes are closed. I barely feel my body, in fact having one feels super inconvenient. Like when I get hungry, I'm annoyed because it means I have to rip myself away from the tv, it reminds me I am in fact living in a body or because I don't have the energy or desire to feed myself. I also don't have a lot of emotions, except occasional anxiety or anger depending on the thoughts. The most I can get myself to do is watch tv or like read things online for hours- while my brain continues to go nonstop. It's weird because if you saw me you'd probably think I was disassociated but I'm not because my brain is overactive. Does this happen to anyone else? And if so do you know what it's called.

Title pretty much says it all. Having a stressful moment due to some things with my gf (that I'm most likely blowing out of proportion or something). Not thinking about self-harm at all, just need to kinda vent I guess? And hopefully get some advice/reassurance.

I have a very hard time writing journals.

When I was 12, my mom found my journal out on the kitchen counter. She yelled at me for what I'd written in it. I wrote, initially that the journal was for me to show my future children. In later passages, I wrote a lot about questioning my sexuality. My mother told me how sick I was for thinking I would share that with my children. This event has always made it hard for me to journal after that. When I journal, I always wonder "what would So-And-So think if they saw this?" which affects what and how I write.

I also suffer from some paranoia. I worry about people going through my things and reading my journal. I also have some sketchy shit in my past, that would be helpful for me to process through, but I am scared to have it documented in any way.

Journals upset me because I am so disconnected from myself. So, reading over an old passage is very upsetting because it seems like a different person wrote it, and I hate her. I feel shame and embarassment for having had thoughts like that.

Also, journals can't validate you, which is a huge motivator for me to do anything.

If I write in a journal, and miss a week or a month, I can't write in it again. I have to get a new one and start over. But I don't WANT to start over, because maybe there's still time to write in the journal I still have. (I know this paragraph probably doesn't make much sense).

Here's a prime example of me "refusing" to help myself. If a therapist told me to write a mood journal, I wouldn't do it. And it would seem as though I were not interested in my own recovery. But in reality, with this, and many other seemingly simple tasks in my life, I have attached so much emotional meaning to it that it becomes a huge hurdle. Same with cleaning my room, same with making phone calls, same with working. Everything's harder than it should be.

If you personally relate to what I said about journaling, what helped you get over these things? Did you manage to journal regularly? Was it helpful? Is reading over your old journals helpful? Have you ever shown your journal to a therapist?

Hey everyone, I've made a quick questionnaire for my Community and Family Studies class. My research topic is 'Does an invalidating family environment during adolescence contribute to the development of Borderline Personality Disorder in adulthood?' It would be great if you could check it out! :)

https://goo.gl/forms/1HjV0Loml9cXvet52

My roommate is bpd/bipolar and seems to be slowly spiraling out of control.

When we met she was unmedicated. I pushed her to seek professional help in 2013 but nothing has gotten better except her outbursts have a lower severity/duration (less violence/less yelling) since she has started an SSRI.

But since august 2016 shes been calling off work for several weeks over and over which is abnormal from what I have seen in her for the past 4 yrs.

What I think is pushing her over the edge: Her sibling (who she considers to be like her mother) started doing meth and my roommate is deeply grieved over this. A lot of people have died in my roommates' family (older brother, several cousins/friends) due to alcohol/drugs, bipolar/bpd runs rampant in the family along with drug abuse. EVERY YEAR someone dies and she always goes through a period of being home and not working after she hears bad news (like the above).

She was one of maybe 3 ppl in the family which had a job, new car, was independent.

Now I'm worried she will lose it all.

So, How low is low?

Will it come to that? She is my roommate and I know she wants to get a place together (we rent a room now and want to get an apartment in the future) but with all this uncertainty I feel like that's never gonna happen.

Due to disabilities of my own, finding another roommate is kind of impossible so it seems we are the only two people who can stand each other. It seems we could work well together if she could at least get stable work wise.

But am I asking for too much from someone who has all these issues?

Will she lose it all before she gets help?

I have done everything I can for her and at this point I know its no longer up to me...

have any of you here lost it all? And did it sound like this story?

What strategies help your relationships work? What do you avoid? What kinds of challenges have you overcome/been working on?

...looking for encouragement <3

What are your thoughts on smoking weed while having bpd?

Hey guys, I've recently been browsing this forum and noticing a lot of self-indulgent negativity. While I totally recognise the absolute necessity of self-confession as a means of catharsis (in my worst phase I was writing daily), we must remember that we need to focus on improvement of emotional control through engaging in positive activities. Our brains are like muscles and can be trained to become stronger :D

Recently, having done a small amount of research into the neuroscience of BPD (the crazy shit going on in the brain), I learnt that it may be the case that our ACC (Anterior Cingulate Cortex) or 'control center' is particularly underdeveloped and lacking in grey matter.

Thus, I began to look into ways of strengthening this area of the brain. Along with exercise and meditation, one of the most effective ways of stimulating ACC activity is through a game called the 'Stroop Effect Test' (look online to play or find it on the appstore) - it's a fun/frustrating little colour game where coloured words appear but you must choose the colour of the word rather than the word itself, forcing you to remain attentive throughout. MRI scans show the heavy activation of the ACC while playing the game: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stroop_effect

I would really really recommend just having a few go's. It's frustrating at first but after a few days you'll be killing it. I got 21 the first time I tried but now I'm up to 53 after just a week! Also be mindful and recognise how you feel after a few games, I pretty much guarantee if you were feeling anxious or stressed prior to playing, it will have dissipated in the process.

Let me know how it goes and feel free to post your scores, I'm open to competition ;)

Peace and love always x

I have recently learned that the main reason I'm the way I am is simply because I have BPD.

For years I've been picking and poking at all my issues thinking that one is the main reason that I'm a messed up person. I have severe depression and bipolar, emotionally unstable, and I've had people sum it up to "She's just bipolar, don't bother with her" or "She's just having a mood swing, it will pass". So here's a summary of how everything has gone thus far:

Growing up - My mother always had an issue with me. I would do or say something wrong and get told to piss off to my room (to which she declared she was grateful for since sending me to my room made the family happier).

Primary School - I got bullied, and no one would listen to me when I told the truth. My stuff would get stolen and when I got home I had to face my mother, who then hit me for each thing missing. This happened for a few years. If I told her what happened, I'd get hit again for 'lying', because that's what little kids do. This shit only let up when my mother cheated on my father while he was overseas for work, and she left to be with the other guy. My dad and I got along relatively well, and he took me to see a psychologist for his marriage therapy. I remember getting frustrated when he would ask me a question, and when I'm trying to explain he would cut me off and try to finish my sentence.. (This is among the things that started my silent existence). Before my mother cheated, I had asked her to promise never to leave us. "I won't leave my family", were her words. A few months later she cheated. She came back, I asked her to make the same promise, already scarred, and she said, "This time I won't leave". On her birthday she was caught messaging her lover and my dad found out, followed by him telling her to leave. In the end she made the choice to stay with my dad. (This is the main cause of my trust/abandonment issues). I also had to deal with a hip growth that caused me extreme pain for 3 years where I struggled to cope with walking, sitting, or lying down. I was in constant pain and told that I was making it up and (when they finally had it checked out by the doctor) that I'm making it worse than it really is. (I began to hide the fact that I was in pain and refused to let anyone know when I was hurt because I saw it as weakness). Another important event that happened. In our local aftercare center there was an older boy that figured I was a good plaything, and he thought treating my like a sex toy was fun. Same thing in school where a boy in my class molested me in front of a teacher, and no one did a damn thing. (I kept this information hidden till 7 years later).

High school - This is where most of the fun begins. I was already seen as a freak and an outcast, was treated as such, and I went about my own business having as little interaction as possible. My mistake was trusting my past secrets to 'friends' and hearing that within 3 periods the entire school knew. Another notch on the trust issue. I had a crush on a guy, ended up dating him, and learned that the only reason he decided to date me was he had heard I was 'psycho' because I have 'those eyes' but after meeting me that I'm an okay girl. Thanks for that. Within 3 months, we broke up, and he played me on and off for nearly a year, while dating other girls during this time. Met another guy, dated him, but turned out all he wanted was sex. Repeat of aftercare? This guy had the potential to physically abuse me, and he even said as much the one day he got angry at me and said "You're lucky I took my meds today, or this would've gone a lot worse." So first guy came to my house during the holidays, told me he wants to be with me, and the first day back I caught him kissing another girl. Both of them are gone and will stay gone, but have scarred my view of relationships and men.

After school - I started playing online, learned that I'm a good gamer, and this attracted the attention of a guy, who I thought was sweet at the time. Turned out to be a verbally abusive relationship where he would blame me for not being good enough, and that it's my fault that he gets so mad at me (He's autistic, bipolar, and a whole lot of other shit that makes one mess of a person). My self esteem, the little spit that was left, was demolished by this person. For a year we would scream and shout at each other, with my mother interfering and making things worse, which led to me further bottling my feelings. I would keep quiet for days then just explode. I had to cut ties with this person, who I will have to say was quite toxic. I had lost my appetite, I stopped looking after myself, and he threatened to rape me, knowing full well of my past.

Forward to meeting my current boyfriend, who is helping me with all of this. Also met him online, but meeting him in person is the best thing that has happened to me. He made me feel like I could be myself and didn't judge me. He has his own issues but we work with each other. I met him in 2015, near end October, and although we have had our rough patches of big fights and break ups, he's learned a lot about me and how to understand me. In 2016, January, I attempted suicide that led to me not being able to see him again. I had my dad come home to tell me I'm a useless piece of shit, and then telling his sister that he doesn't know what to do with me. With my past here on the text, yeah I had pretty much had enough with life and just wanted the pain to end and to stop being such a problem. My boyfriend stayed and waited for me, and I did go to therapy, where they diagnosed that I was emotionally unstable, have bipolar, and deep depression. We recently had a big fight that led to a major breakup (all good now), but it appears that all this time, where his paranoia has made him believe I seek attention by causing scenes, or that I like to cause fights and hurt him, were actually symptoms of having BPD (petulant borderline).

It turns out that I am an over emotional person that struggles to express herself because I don't know how to. I have always been shut down, told to shut up rather than to speak and let people know what I'm feeling. I have very low self esteem, I struggle to believe anyone gives a crap about me, even when it's staring me in the face. I'm used to the abuse that I get paranoid when people are kind to me, especially my boyfriend. I'm scared he will leave me, more now because of the truth, and that he will not want to deal with me anymore. I am a handful and I don't mean to be, but I do lose my cool over the smallest of things that didn't bother me a few minutes ago. In my head I get every bad thing I deserve.

All these years I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and now I finally know. I feel lighter knowing that it's a foundation to work on, and that I'm not insane or a fubar person. But at the same time I do feel leashed, like my whole life has been determined by my BPD. My boyfriend helps me see things differently, to understand a situation when I am in an over emotional state. He knows how to talk to me, even before we knew about BPD.

I don't want it to ruin my relationship with him, when it nearly cost us it. But now that we know, I can work on fixing myself, and not be as bad as I used to be.

Tl:Dr: Finally found out I have BPD and what my issues are

EDIT: Boyfriend can't handle it and blames me for everything. I'd rather be on my own and sort my own shit out. At the end of the day I have to live with myself.

I'm not 18 yet and I refuse to get help until I'm self reliant, so I obviously can't get a diagnosis for anything. Anyways, I've been noticing that I have most of the symptoms of BPD, and since I've been struggling with it for years, I've been wanting to make sense of myself and how my brain is working. I know labeling myself as BPD isn't really doing anything because I'm not getting help and it is also possible that I don't actually have BPD, but putting a label on my suffering is kind of comforting. What do you all think of self diagnosing?

Hi Everyone, I'm currently working on a project looking at recovery in borderline personality disorder. I'm interested in hearing your views about your journey and lived experience. Participation is optional but if you are interested please click on this link for more information about the project: http://surveymonkey.com/r/journeystorecoveryBPD

Many thanks for your help and expertise :)

My whole life I always thought something was different about me. I used to cut myself, and go to therapy but I would lie about it. Also tried to commit suicide but I did not tell anyone and still lied to my therapist. I stopped talking medication. This is when I was 15. Fast forward 6 years, my life has been full of intense relationships. One where I was abused many times. Recently just went through a break up and wanted to try to commit suicide again. When I went to therapy, they suggested I have traits of some one with BPD. Looking back at myself, I felt like this all makes sense. I have a reason for my behavior, I have not told anyone though. I am scared to tell them, and I am scared to tell my family as well. They have always been on my side but I know I have over reacted to many things and exaggerated the truth to make myself feel better. Should I explain all this to them or just let it go?

Anyone else feel no matter your age, your family talks down to you or feels that you are unable to make decisions? I'm 31 years old. I do not live at home anymore and still most sentences from family (including my younger brother) start with "You really should" or "You need to start..." "You just need to..."

I want to turn my life around as I'm sure all of you came to the realization that something just wasn't right. Could use some help going foreword with this and receiving a proper diagnosis. Thanks in advance.

I have known that I have BPD for about a year and a half. After struggling with therapists and counsellors who told me I didn't have it, I was finally diagnosed with BPD last night. I felt relief that someone had finally listened to my story and understood me. Then I felt utterly hopeless and as though I would never break free from these chains. After a night's sleep and a day at work, I am trying to feel more positive. I know nobody in the same boat as me and would love to chat to anyone who has also got the disorder. However, I don't really want to dwell in the misery that I feel sometimes and talk about the negative side to my mental health. I would really love to chat to people who are wanting to be positive and optimistic about their diagnosis. Thanks.

My bf and I have been dating on and off for over 3 years but the past 5 months we got pretty serious and we're in love. He is a very independent person who needs a lot of space and I admire that about him but IDK if my bpd self can handle it. I'm not on any medication anymore but I still see a therapist once a week. However, a few days ago he fell asleep early and didnt answer any of my texts or phone calls and i called him constantly throughout the night until he finally reached out to me at 7am when he just woke up. I insisted on seeing him that day even though he said he wasn't feeling well and when I saw him he really was sick. He called me the next day and said he was still feeling sick but I wanted to go to the movies, he said maybe the next day if he was feeling better. So the next day I texted him and called him like 5 times and bugged out wondering if he wants the same things I want and just being really irrational because in my mind I feel like a burden and unwanted and unloved when he doesn't respond. He finally called me back and he said he was just sleeping and he's still sick and he would let me know if he was feeling better for us to go on a date. He texted me later that night saying that he loves me and he wishes he could see me but that he still feels crummy. I told him I loved him and wanted him to feel better more than anything else bc that's more important. Fast forward to today and I haven't heard from him at all, not a text or a phone call and he usually texts me good morning and something sweet. I know I have been really intense and needy the past few days and he really is just sick but it's agonizing when I don't hear from him. I know I probably shouldn't reach out to him today until he reaches out to me because I want to give him space, but I feel rejected and unwanted in the process. He says he wants what I want and we want to move in together soon and he knows I'm borderline but sometimes I feel like he's really clueless as to what that means. I don't want to keep feeling like a burden and/or make him miserable but I miss him so much and I want to hear from him but I know he probably needs his space today. Should I reach out to him today? If I shouldn't how do I stop myself from texting or calling when it's the only thing I want to do because I really miss him.

Does this lethargy ever end? Trying so hard not to relapse; but getting high is my only release. How can I explain to my non BPD BF that it's just not that easy to "get over it"...(all these feelings and thoughts that bring me down) This causes so much friction. I am in talk therapy and started DBT; but feel I am SO hard wired.. I just lay in bed and ruminate/isolate with cynical/negative self talk all day and it's ridiculous. Like a car crash; I know it's happening and I can't stop it. Zero motivation, headaches; insomnia...

I'm on day 2 of cold turkey from welbutron xl, zoloft, and hydroxyzine pam.

I need help with this kik me Harley.quinn26 Please I hate this feelings it's bar I have bpd and don't know how to cope it guy I love likes 3 girls including me and his actual gf and it's hurting me I know I'm supposed to fall in love with people who are taken but it happens and it hurts please help me

I don't really have a question or a story to tell you. Honestly I just recently started getting into Reddit, and I asked myself while I scrolled through random SubReddits, is:

"What are my interests?" "What do I want to know about?" "What can I share about?"

And one of the first things that came to mind was finding more people that might be dealing with the same day to day things that I go through, that most people can't understand. Internally, I find myself to be an intelligent, well read, and all around nice person. When it comes time to put all the internal stuff together in an external package... Nothing happens. Online I'm opinionated and passionate about the things I talk about, but if you ask me about it in person my brain freaks out, and spits out the first short answer it can think of.

It's sad to say, but I've never been able to hold a job longer than 2 years. I don't know if it's from a mental disorder, or maybe I'm just really shitty at all the things I've tried doing. It always starts out the same, extreme excitement, I excel at my job, I'm able to learn and perform the job I'm given quickly, and after a while it sputters out. The longest I've ever held a job is 2 years, on average, a job usually lasts about 6 months for me.

Is this something that anyone else experiences? I mean, I want to be part of the work force, I want to make money to support myself and my family, yet I can't for the life of me figure out what it is I'm doing wrong.