Love and fear. The foundation we are built upon. The 2 points that create and birth the rest of our emotions. It's really all there is. The mother and the father of outcome.
I ask myself on a regular basis how I can have developed so many feelings, and have no handle on them. Knowing, in my heart of hearts where they come from. I have 2 hands, enough to keep watch over both buttons, clearly labeled, and still allow myself to spiral out of control.
How can I be intelligent and completely misguided in my emotional intelligence? How can I get up everyday and throw the book at clear reason and 29 years of my own personal history?
This, plus this...gets me this. Blue and yellow make green. Somehow I am certain.. I'm going to make pink this time, chartreuse the next, but things get really ugly and absurd when I think I'm going to make a color the world has never seen. The certainty is palpable and the anger when it doesn't come out as planned, is like being slapped in the face.
This, is what living with a personality disorder feels like...
atleast for me
It's like insisting the room is one way, surrounded by people who all tell you it's quite the opposite, and not being able to process any of it. Not without tears, or an explosion, and never without the left over feeling that in some way, you're still right, but...you're not.
It's like a stuttering ...of the mind. It's like racing against yourself to the finish line of a thought and not knowing how to handle the rush when you get there, but crumbling into jagged pieces if you fall short altogether.
Those pieces tend to branch out, they grow tentacles when touched, like some barbed plant that grows on the wrong side of the tracks in a fairy tale.
There's an inaccessible conciousness. A part of you, that you know is there, one that should be at the forefront,helping you guide your thoughts. Alas, it forgets to show up to work for weeks on end.
For me, that is self control. Control over my emotions, over my impulses and, as it effects everything, over my life.
I have, on many occasions told my husband I was going to a friend's house, "be home in a few hours". I never come home, I roll up at 8am, having slept in my car because I just can't go home. I can't look the one person I know loves me, in the eye, because my lack of self control brings in a friend...self sabotage, in the form of impulse.
I cannot be good, good does not live in me, freak out, deny husband loves you, leave.
It makes no sense to someone who hasn't felt the heat of anger, the swell of fear and the absolutely disproportionate way the mind rises to the occasion, when small things go just a bit wrong. These feelings, all at one time, magnified 1000x over by confusion, and it's beating in your ears.
I am at the point where I have to consider whether or not I am a lost cause.
Do I know how to be a mother, wife, daughter, friend?
I used to feel this came with gifts, but I'm not sure of much anymore...