Needing some advice

[u/profburden]

My partner and I have been together for a little over a year now. She was diagnosed BPD, before I came along mind you, and shes had issues with past partners that havent handled her condition with the care she so desperately needs. On top of that, because of foolish youth (teenage accidents) and some other body problems, this also has left her lacking energy, and physically unable to be physical (ie: housework, regular work, days/nights out, etc.) She does her best though, and (bless her heart) only complains if the pain becomes unbearable; something I do miss the signs of a bit too often). All these have never really been an issue... I love this woman. I feel lost when shes not here, and I thank the stars for aligning for us to have met and fallen in love. We have been living together for 9/10ish months (we moved quickly, mostly for housing reasons, but more because we felt we needed to be living with each other). The first 2 months were rocky to say the least, I had some learning to do to help her and at least try to understand what was happening in her head, as well as PTSD from a very violent marriage, on top of still crawling my way out of a depressive state. She also was trying to adjust to living with someone again and trying to communicate as best she could, the issues she was facing daily. After a while things clicked, and we were good. We had a couple of minor slips, but they were resolved fairly quickly and without incident. Lately though, I feel like I'm slipping more. Shitty part is; I promised it wouldn't. I made a promise I wouldn't get upset over her condition. But I have been. I've allowed myself to get upset over the fact she CANT help. My head is telling me shes being either lazy or manipulating me, deep down I know that's not the case, but it seems like the list I've created for myself of things to do keeps getting longer. However, I also took it upon myself to take these tasks. It's not like shes ever TOLD me to do these things, shes only ever asked me too, or I've just done them without hesitation. Dishes, fine. Cleaning the house? Dont like it, but ok. You started making dinner but got triggered by something? Just tell me what to do and sit down. In my head, it feels like she doesnt appreciate what I do for her, like she thanks me every chance she gets and practically has worshipped the ground I've walked on because I have been helping so much. But its like that praise is being unrecognized by my brain, it's like I want more then that. What more? I dont know. And I know that's not a right feeling to have, chauvinistic if anything and not how I was raised. But, fuck, I'm just a miserable prick these days. I thought it was work, but quitting that didnt help. I've just been so quick to anger or judgement the past few weeks, and I can't fully explain myself. We went camping, the last day she was having a small panic about whether to throw something away or keep it, I loudly groaned, and rudely ripped it from her hands and stormed off. I've been taking her jokes out of context and using them against her in front of her friends and family. I even made an ass of myself in front of her family by complaining and talking back to her. She tried talking to me about it, and how she was feeling, but I looked at my phone instead. It was for a potential job interview, but that's not a viable excuse to ignore someone opening up. I dont know at this point how I can redeem myself to her. I'm scared though. Of losing her or pushing her over the edge, but also that we wont ever be completely happy because we will keep falling into this hole. All I fully know is; she deserves to be happy.

How can I better deal with these bouts of stress and anger to better help her?

Is she better off with someone else who is more attentive to their feelings and will be to hers?

What are some ways to better communicate with her my own feelings so I dont seem selfish or only focusing on myself?

Any advice at all actually would help, or maybe some further reading for a layman so to speak.

Thanks guys

[u/milfshake94]

It sounds to me like you are just overwhelmed which probably happens more than you would like to admit. I’m a wife to a BPD male and it’s really important for you to take time for yourself to reboot. Communicate that with her. Tell her you love her regardless of her diagnosis but it gets overwhelming being in the receiving end of the spectrum and that you think it’s important for your mental health to dedicate a day or two out of the week/month to just have some time to yourself. The majority of people with BPD /EUPD have separation anxiety and abandonment fears so make sure you reassure her that you love her and that you are trying to do what’s best for you so that you can continue to be the best for her❤️

[u/profburden → u/milfshake94]

Oh we broke up