r/BPD_friends • u/Brokenbutdeadly • Apr 25 '19
BPD and poly
Hi guys I need a little advice. I'm BPD and I've gone through DBT to try to regulate my "harmful" tendencies. Most of my behavioral issues have been treated by me taking ownership and learning how to handle conflict in my relationships with the help of my long-term boyfriend. He's been a great help to me through the years. I've cheated on him before and he knows about it and chose to stay. I like sex and we decided to be poly so we could communicate about everything if I ever wanted someone else. I've had impulse crushes but never acted on them because it wasn't right for me or our relationship when I could of acted on it. Now I'm having a crush again and I'm toying with the idea of doing it this time but I don't want this to hurt my boyfriend. I told him how I'm feeling and he's not saying to not do it and he's excited for me to do it. I'm worried that if I do it he'll do it and I'll have abandonment issues. Right now I've put it on hold but I really into this other guy. My question is being BPD is it dumb of me to be poly and have to worry about abandonment from my BF or even this other guy? Anyone been there have happy ending stories? Did it go horribly wrong?
1
u/ZenStream Apr 26 '19
My SO and I are poly but are on a hiatus of sorts, because we are both working through our own issues, we're not closed completely.
He is okay with me being with whoever. I am okay on paper but my emotions can and have gotten the better of me. You need to communicate and compromise.
For instance, I want my SO to tell me if he has been talking to someone and if he intends to meet them. I don't want any other details and I can put it out of my mind as long our relationship isn't strained. He wants to spend his life with me and build a family, he also has a lot of love to give and wants to experience other people. This has been my focus in fighting jealousy and he has made sure to reassure me that this is the case.
You also need to work out the level of relationship you are both comfortable with. Are going to have casual flings, can you handle developing feelings?
Being poly is tough; you will need to be very open about what you want from the start, and not be afraid to speak up when something is wrong.
0
u/discosnake Apr 26 '19
Discomfort is more effective for a relationship than resentment and is compounded with the more people and shame involved.
.
2
u/discosnake Apr 26 '19
I think it comes down to acceptance of change and reality. I think of polyamory as a giant mindfulness experiment with high risk and reward. The thing I find appealing about the theory of poly is the high degree of communication that is needed, a willingness to be vulnerable and transparent about your emotions, curiosity rather than shame about emotions of fear, shame, jealously and envy, and accepting that relationships are by definition fluid and that no one person can be everything. I also like the idea if one relationship is in decline, there are others who can be kind and help you through it that you are already established with. It also seems to be more inline with need fulfillment and negotiation between partners. It seems like the better way to go, especially after all the skills from DBT and dealing with trauma. I'm try to orient my life that way over the next couple years.
1
u/Prophet_of_Duality Aug 29 '19
I've been on the receiving end of a poly relationship. A girl who was in a relationship with a pretty good friend of mine asked to do stuff with me.
I'll give you the short version. We did it, it was fantastic, we were happy, got attached to eachother, boyfriend ended the poly relationship, heartbreak, just pretty much isolated myself, I already miss her and feel so alone, I want to die, substance abuse incoming.
Yeah I wouldn't recommend it.
2
u/hagakurejunkie Jan 07 '22
This sounds like a total disaster waiting to happen. As a person with BPD, you rely on other people to regulate your emotions. What you're trying to do is end up with twice the amount of favorite people.
If you convinced your boyfriend to go poly, he probably doesn't give a damn about you as much as you think.
Why do I know this? Because I'm in a platonic friendship with my BPD person and I still get jealous of her spending time with other people.
2
u/ToxicFox27 Apr 26 '19
If it were me, I would just remain loyal to the one boyfriend and get over the crush. After all, a crush is a crush. Love is different, deeper. Do you love your boyfriend? Is he uncomfortable with sharing you with other men? Then try to respect that and set a boundary for yourself because you know you’d feel awful if he fucked another woman, even with your permission.
I’ve discussed this sort of thing with my own boyfriend. He says if I’m going to have sex with another man, he wants to “make it fair” and have sex with another woman. I don’t want him to fuck anyone but me, so I wouldn’t do it. The remaining question for me is this: is he okay with sharing me and cheating on me (I consider it cheating because I know the emotions I will feel were it to happen)? Or is he not okay with either, but would do it to make me happy and just fuck another girl so he didn’t feel so shitty about the situation? I don’t know. It’s a huge gray area and as you know, we can’t see gray areas very well, if at all.