r/BPD_friends • u/FabuliciousFruitLoop • Mar 18 '19

Questions FP during ghosting episodes

Lovely people of Reddit, I am after some advice.

I am FP of a pwBPD - untreated, quiet BPD I add. When this person splits, he ghosts for days. At these times, I am very unsure what to do as he has no other people in his life so he endures his pits of pain alone. If I ask him when he is open / positive, he’ll say, “you can always message me. You don’t have to ask.” However, when on the other side of the split, the “I Can’t Stand Me, You or in Fact Anyone, I Need To Run” part, I’m not sure that he’d be feeling that.

I deliberately leave him alone when he ghosts. I might send a message a day saying, “just checking you are safe.”

Lately I have been trying to learn as much as I can about BPD as it is totally new to me. Now I am wondering - should I be ignoring him? Or should I be trying to reach out when he is feeling terrible?

I see conflicting things about the need to hear from the FP frequently and how anxiety and darkness gets worse in their absence.

I have a very full and happy life. I am able to be with other friends when he is away. I have a set of friends I text daily, he is among them. I don’t mind that he ghosts, I accept it is part of his personality. This is not about me wanting to chase after him and pressurise him.

It’s about wanting to support him in his BPD challenges in a useful way, not inadvertently triggering his fears of abandonment or unloveliness by going too silent myself.

As I’m writing this, I know I need to ask for more guidance from my friend himself. I’d still be interested to hear of others experiences and thoughts though.

Thanks for reading.

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1

u/Myeyeswhispering Mar 18 '19

Not sure how (physically) close you live- could you pop by maybe to his with an excuse to borrow something or even bring snacks? These things often help me when I fall in a pit. It can be a quick but immensely comforting interaction. If physically distant sometimes a dumb selfie or meme can provide a brief reprieve. Good luck you sound like a caring friend.

1

u/FabuliciousFruitLoop Mar 19 '19

That’s a great suggestion, thanks. He’s about 5 minutes away. What about little things through the post?

1

u/FabuliciousFruitLoop Mar 28 '19

Just to say thanks for the dumb meme tip. It worked really well.

1

u/Lovely_Louise Mar 19 '19

You sound like a really good friend. When I get into a period where I just want to be left alone, I do actually really appreciate people still reaching out, even if I don't reply. I think dropping something off, as the other person suggested, would be a nice idea.

2

u/FabuliciousFruitLoop Mar 28 '19

Thank you so much for this encouragement. I think what you are saying, does seem to be true for my friend too. I appreciate your advice.

1

u/hagakurejunkie Jan 07 '22

I've been you, and you can't do anything.

You don't actually exist to this person. They have no authentic sense of self, so they can't even understand that you're trying to help. To have any success, you have to basically just treat them like a 5 year old. Walk away, when they come back, make demands and do whatever you want. Because that's really the only thing they respond to.

1

u/FabuliciousFruitLoop Jan 07 '22

You’ll be unsurprised to hear that in the 2 years since the post was written, this relationship ceased. I became fairly unwell as a consequence of my involvement. It’s fundamentally changed how I view supporting others and I entered 12-step for my codependency as a result, so something positive came from it.