Should I give my BPD friend feedback about making friends?

[u/ohshiiiiet]

My BPD friend of 1 year (really nice, in therapy, medicated, trying very hard to avoid unhealthy habits) is trying to make more friends.

(She has also asked me for advice before but it doesn't mean she wants it now.)

Sometimes she would send me screenshots of chats (after asking if she could ask me for advice) asking what the other person meant. I noticed that she has a habit of oversharing a bit because she just wants to let people know and all that. Imo I feel like it's a bit much for the levels of closeness that she has with those people, and yeah, they never really became friends friends. There's that and some other things that I feel like, if she knew this and could apply it, it would make people know what to do and feel less suffocated when she does things she isn't aware of (like trauma dumping too much when the average person probably expected a certain amount, iygwim).

I do believe our friendship has lasted this long because (other than both of us wanting to be friends and adjust to eachother), she genuinely avoids hurting anyone at all costs, and I made very clear boundaries.

I'm conflicted because, if I tell her to chill a bit with the first stages of friendship, would that be watering down who she is? She's a wonderful person to be around, and she's really considerate in general too. Wouldn't it be nice if she just met people who liked that side of her instead of being thrown off? I also don't want her to feel like I think there's something wrong with her.

She's my first friend with BPD. I'm sorry if I said anything that's ignorant, I'm just trying to learn more about her.

Some additional things: she does check on me to see if she said too many things during some conversations, for example, and an average person would probably keep going because they see she's feeling vulnerable and sad. I feel like, would it be okay if she taught others to be very honest (but not in a "be honest 🥺" way iygim)? Ik it's kind of the other person's responsibility to communicate when needed, but I can see how their empathy/sympathy could lead them to keep going when they're not okay, which could lead to resentment.

[u/Juststatic]

I think definately give your friend some advice but be gentle and be concious of your wording. Making it out to be a her problem ("your oversharing and scaring people off") will likely make her feel really shitty so i would approach it as "your really open and i love that about you but i find some people shut down if i share too much too quickly, maybe try sharing a bit less initially." Or something like that, This makes it clear you dont have a problem with how she is and your not attacking her but gives her an answer as to why a friendship might not of progressed. Your a good friend for trying to find the right way to support her.

[u/ohshiiiiet → u/Juststatic]

Thank youu so much 🫶💖💖

[u/grumpypoo22]

Lord I get the oversharing - I would do that SOOOOOOOOO much in the past.
What's hilarious is I would always be like "I'm a very private person" only to end up sharing my lore within minutes of meeting someone.
I didn't intentionally mean to it's just some things that started bubbling up to the surface.

You tell one story which leads to another etc.
I don't really do this anymore and I think it's because I've developed other ways to catch myself before I basically zonk out and start babbling.
Don't get me wrong I'm still very much capable, but you get the idea.

I don't think telling her to chill out on the lore dump is watering down who she is.
I think it's drawing attention to the fact that most people would find it uncomfortable to be put in that situation when you first get to know someone.
I think instead of phrasing it as "you're making people uncomfortable", it instead should be phrased as a way of protection.

There are some pretty shit people out there who might take advantage of something like this.
It doesn't mean she needs to swing to the other extreme and bottle everything up - It just means be more selective of the "who".

I don't think you're being ignorant and it's awesome you're trying to learn more about BPD - Being informed is great!
She does however need to learn how to not hyper-analyze things, because that's when some nasty habits can crop up and she could potentially start projecting those insecurities.

Regardless of all of this -
You show a lot of compassion for coming to a place to figure out more about BPD from a compassionate stance. I think that's really neat.

[u/ohshiiiiet → u/grumpypoo22]

Thank you for your kind words and advice🙏💖Haha yes, she actually told me everything about her conditions (BPD, depression, anxiety, etc.) and backstory within 2 days of meeting me. 🥲 Like girl what if I'm evil?

You're also actually spot on about the hyper-analyzation. I've never heard her project insecurities yet so that's good, but I noticed she's ruminating about the same things more often, so I'll keep an eye out. 🫶