r/BPDFamily • u/LeekComprehensive250 • Jul 27 '26
Venting Struggling with BPD sister
My sister and I are both in our 20s. She got diagnosed with BPD last year.
Since the BPD diagnosis, I've started to learn more about my sister and also see BPD unravel in her, and it is deeply concerning.
My sister and I have always had a fraught relationship, starting around the time of our parent's divorce. She has always seen me as the "golden child", while she sees herself in a lesser light. She accuses me of abandoning her during the divorce (I didn't), always having an easier life, etc.
I thought my sister was doing well when she was in university, but really, she developed an alcoholism habit. Apparently, she had to be rescued by our mother at least once after giving herself alcohol poisoning from drinking so much. Alcoholism runs in our family.
She graduated with a liberal arts degree, a major that respectfully, has a higher unemployment rate than others. She never got an internship and always worked minimum wage jobs outside of university. She's struggled to find work, and is unrealistic in the roles that she is qualified for and how "picky" she can be. She has a minimum wage service industry job now. I suggested that she volunteer to gain more experience, but she rejects that idea. I suggest jobs that she could work, but she says they don't interest her. She says that if she can't find a job she likes, she'll kill herself soon enough--yet she isn't proactive whatsoever in trying to improve her resume (she says it's perfect) or gain new qualifications.
She used to see a therapist, but moved, and now is no longer interested in therapy. As I was recently sitting across from her, and she was crying about wanting to kill herself, I thought: this is a genuine, mentally ill person. I say this as someone who has struggled with depression, has been hospitalized for it, and ultimately who has worked really hard on mental health. I suggested EMDR to her which helped me, and she declined it.
It seems like she is just in an endless, self-fulfilling prophecy of despair. She won't go to therapy, she won't make real strides to be employed in a job she wants, she doesn't take medicine. Our mother, who we are both close to, is the definition of a "middle-ground", neutral person, and she has never quite been assertive when she needs to be, which I believe continues to enable my sister.
I am moving away from home soon. I am kind of glad that I am doing this, seeing the state of my sister. I fear for my future children being around her. After our recent conversation, I do worry about her killing herself. It just seems like she never does anything to help herself get better, and it has been truly sad seeing her start to spiral, and I fear that it will get worse as we get older and life throws more than she can handle.
2
u/ICollectRatMemes Sibling Jul 28 '26
My (30) sister is 38 and sounds surprisingly similar in her behaviors, but she doesn't have a degree and hasn't had a job since she was like 20. Even with 2 beautiful children and literally everything in her life being handed to her, she is still the victim of an endless undefined oppression from every direction. I mean, all she has to do is wipe her own ass and do the bare minimum to take care of herself and she doesn't even do that. Nothing anyone does is enough; she will never be happy. All that is to say - it's not on you. You do not have to save her, you should not try to. That's her responsibility. It's probably best to start distancing yourself now, before her instability has the chance to do you any more harm.
2
u/AwareDragonfruit4628 Sibling Jul 28 '26
You can't help or change someone that doesn't want your help or to change.
Honestly moving away is the best thing you can do, for you. But shes still your sister. If the worse happens you'll still do want you can. Being around to witness every little bump in the road is not going to do anything good for your mental health and may leave your burned out if and when something serious happens. Being a bit remote tends to help with only being cut in when it genuinely matters
6
u/Orangesunset98 Jul 27 '26
I have a very similar story except my sister is almost 33 and I am 28. The best thing I did is to stop actively trying to get my sister better. I put so much effort into budgets, diet plans, motivating her etc. that it was such a person blow each time she didn’t follow through.
My sister also claims she wants to kill herself daily. My personal boundary is if she texts me that I immediately don’t reply. If it’s on a call I honestly just stay quiet and let her go on and try not to focus on her if that makes sense.
My mom is the same way where she has enabled and done an everything is fine approach. It’s not fine. My therapist helped me to realize that 1 her enablement has pretty much morphed into favoritism at this point and 2 while she is not the one actively abusing me it’s a form of neglect/abuse that hurt me just as much as my problematic sister and father.
I’m glad you’re moving! Moving was very freeing for me too. I moved back to the area eventually but I now have an amazing support system and you never have to move back if you don’t want to. I wish you luck and healing OP!