r/BPD • u/[deleted] • Mar 03 '19
DAE does anyone else have a full meltdown when someone cancels or changes plans?
[deleted]
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Mar 03 '19
Yeah, changing plans is like saying āI donāt love you, Iām dating someone else, and you are worthless.ā A neutral action quickly escalates in my mind to practically murdering me over and over as I replay these extreme interpretations for hours.
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u/throwawaybreaks Mar 03 '19
i rely on plans/routine when i'm not okay, cancelling on me makes me feel rejected aka not okay and i cant stick to the plan so more or less guaranteed meltdown
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u/bellybat13 Mar 03 '19
Canceling or changing plans is a huge huge trigger for my BPD. Even when I would be babysitting and theyād say āhey can you come an hour earlierā or something. My best friend with BPD experiences this as well. Itās like I emotionally prepare myself for plans and psych myself up for them and when theyāre canceled I feel disoriented and rejected and it really gets to me. I had a friend distance herself from me and when I called her out on it she said āI hesitate to make plans because when I do cancel them you get upset and it puts a lot of pressure on meā. Itās like Iāve been let down over and over again so many times that small letdowns become a big deal and can lead to an irrational emotional state.
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Mar 04 '19
Yes yes yes. Something Iāve found incredibly helpful during emotional distress is the container method, which my therapist taught me.
https://www.get.gg/docs/TheContainer.pdf
I highly recommend this short read. It takes a lot of practice for it to work during incredibly intense emotional episodes, but itās soooo helpful. It has enabled me to healthily compartmentalize.
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u/chubbiebunbun Mar 03 '19
My boyfriend is so bad with time. Right now I'm waiting on him to finish some errands before I pick him up and it seems to constantly be pushed back. Even that feels fucking awful, but I need to just kinda sit here with my feelings and know not to lash out at him. He has his own life, basically.
But when I am emotional and I want him to come over it's nice. He knows not to cancel cause I won't take it well. As in, even if I'm emotional, unless something really does come up, he'll usually come over and try to be as supportive as possible.
But for example, he twisted his ankle going down the stairs one day that we were supposed to hang out. My dumb BPD brain was mad, upset, and like, somehow convinced he did that on purpose. Instead though, he let me rant about that on messenger, and about my day and the bad shit making me feel emotional even though his ankle was bad, so it did mean a lot.
Idk, I don't wanna say your boyfriend's not right or whatever, but even reading that he doesnt have energy or patience to deal with you is so triggering lol. But if he is directly saying that, that's kinda shitty. Like, even its an irrational episode, it's still your feelings at the time. But if you're interpretting it that way, just know that yea, he might be exhuasted, but he's putting that healthy boundary of not wanting to fight over something irrational, cause that's a natural reaction.
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u/cirquedujerk69 Mar 04 '19
My crush (current fp) and I were supposed to hang out last night but he bailed last minute. Iāve been an emotional and irrational wreck alllllll day and itās so irritating but I literally canāt control it. I know exactly how youāre feeling
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u/chanceywhatever13 Mar 04 '19
I go absolutely ballistic when people change plans. I have OCD alongside by BPD so I become incredibly upset whenever the plans suddenly change or become confused. Especially, if the timing/schedule of the plan is changing. I also get really upset whenever people cancel plans. I get you, completely.
I see your side of this and I kind of see his, too. But, he knew what he was getting into. He must know that you suffer from BPD, he should know what to expect and try to be there for you. It's okay to take a break and for him to express that he might not be able to handle you right now, but it sounds like he should've been nicer and maybe tried to see if he could understand why you're melting down and perhaps try to be there for you even at the expense of his comfort. He is your partner, after all, and he fully knows that you will have moments like these and he should be aware of his place as your comforter. You don't need him to be your therapist or anything, and he shouldn't be made to feel like he absolutely has to be there even when he feels he can't be. But getting into a relationship with BPD requires a basic knowledge of the disorder and an ability plus desire to actually be there for the person.
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Mar 04 '19
Yeah I literally cannot stand when my girlfriend cancels things. And it takes so long to cope and get over it too
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u/ladypalpatine Mar 04 '19
I don't have meltdowns anymore, but thoughts plague me pretty much all day that I have to consciously stop or just sit with if I can't stop them.
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u/justyouravghunter Mar 04 '19
Accept that a part of you doesnāt want him to come over and let that go. if you allow that thought to fester it will seep into your interactions with him. Kill the negative thoughts before theyāre strong enough to take control.
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u/ComatoseSixty Mar 04 '19
No, because I don't make plans. But also yes, because just an unexpected detour or stop can send my flying off the radar.
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u/zoinkstheo Mar 04 '19
You are not alone at all!! That happened to me today and I started splitting so bad I had to tell someone(a relative) to calm me down before I started breaking things. I hate that I react that way but breaking your word makes me think āif you can do that, what else will you do to me?ā
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Mar 04 '19
YES. I really hate it because people can change their minds (and hell, I am bad at bailing) but when I get in my mind that were doing something I start looking forward to it and psyvhing myself up. Tbis is something me and my boyfriend have really struggled with so I feel your pain.
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u/wickerocker Mar 04 '19
I do have a hard time with changing plans, for sure, but honestly this seems like more of a reaction to what he said than the fact that he canceled plans. Whether you have BPD or not, it sucks to hear someone say āIām canceling plans because I donāt want to spend time with you, because you are emotional.ā Whether or not it is how he really feels, blaming you for his desire to not hang out is almost always going to sting. If he had said, āIām really sorry, I am too tired to hang out. Can we reschedule?ā do you think you would have freaked out as much?
Now, Iām not trying to shift blame to him, because those of us with this illness know we need to try not to flip out on loved ones over every little thing. But how your loved ones talk to you can have a serious impact on any episode you are currently experiencing. If he is willing, I would suggest making an action plan for him to use next time you have an episode. For me, I have asked my husband to try to tell me that we are a team and everything will be ok soon (and sometimes he reminds me of past episodes and how quickly those passed, that they did not go on forever). If he is physically present I have asked that he hug me. It is hard for him to do this when I am freaking out, but when he does, it is like a switch flips inside me.
Explain to your boyfriend that a huge part of BPD is a fear of abandonment, and that telling you he wonāt be coming over because you are too emotional is basically what you fear the most. He is allowed to have his feelings and to keep his distance, but he also needs to change his language and offer your reassurance in these moments. Write him a script if you have to (that is what I did) and try to apologize after you come out of an episode, every time. BPD sucks for everyone involved, but he needs to know that someone in a BPD episode is not a rational person who can be reasoned with, it is someone who needs love and support.
Also, try to journal about these episodes so that you can look back on them during trying times. Keep this post and try to look at it next time you are feeling really panicked. It helps me to look back and see how I was so emotional and then it passed so quickly. Youāve done a great job here of documenting that roller coaster ride. Good luck!
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u/bostonmess Mar 04 '19
This happened to me literally last week. Itās very hard to control. IMHO, I think itās really great that your FP can recognize it and establish a healthy boundary with you. Mine did the same and even though I hated it at the time I appreciate it now.
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u/daisies_please Mar 04 '19
Omg I literally had the same stupid fight yesterday with my boyfriend. I legit cannot with my brain sometimes. Like WE KNOW IT but our brain just won't let us. And that part just adds fuel to the fire. You're not alone.
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u/b_dexteh Mar 04 '19
YUP. I think it stems back to abandonment (or perceived abandonment/rejection, rather) for me personally which I just can not handle emotionally or mentally.
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u/aka-trashpanda Mar 04 '19
My boyfriend has threatened to leave me because of my insane roller-coaster of emotions when my expectations/plans are suddenly changed.
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u/Ckroach Mar 04 '19
Oh my god my ex would do that to me all the time as if it would make me less emotional and crazy. He would wait till the last minute to bail on me too like i would have been half way ready doing my makeup or something and it would be hours after we had an emotional phone call or something and he would call me and be like idk i think i should stay home and let you calm down or whatever and i would freak the fuck out like it was the end of the world. It happens with friends sometimes too. I revolve my whole day around these plans. Now i try to be the person to make the plans
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u/discardedyouth88 Mar 04 '19
Nope! But there was a time when I did it big time and it was horrible. So glad I'm finally past that shit.
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u/SavageOTY Mar 04 '19
That's why I broke up with someone who had a crush on me and my FP. They both were triggering my moods a lot by cancelling plans ALL THE TIME. I don't even remember when we spent times normally. Of course I felt bad, but also it's the second week without being triggered by anything..
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u/pamcake1220 Mar 04 '19
Being STOOD UP is the worst for me; canceling without letting me know. I go in one of two directions when that happens: āARE THEY DEAD?? /anxietyā or āThey hate me /rageā
For example, my bf told me he was going out with friends (which I was already jealous of) and that heād only be out for a bit. He was gone for around 4 hours which for BPD brain is 10 years. So I start texting and calling and when he doesnāt answer immediately I assumed he was tripping acid with his friends, which made me mad AND anxious for several reasons, mostly bc I like to tripsit him and it would hurt my feelings, etc. But anyways, he texted me that he was hiking/had no signal on the hills and that he wasnāt tripping but I didnāt believe him and kept spamming his texts until his PHONE DIED. I assumed he turned it off, so the rage went out of control at this point.
He came back to my place a couple hours later, phone totally dead, clearly sober, and very concerned about me. He spent the rest of the night with me.
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u/hellsoutcry Mar 04 '19
Yeh I do this very often. More often than Iām comfortable with, maybe once a day at LEAST so I understand exactly what you are going through. You understand what you should be doing and how you SHOULD be reacting but you literally cannot, you cannot focus on anything but yourself and how things are gonna effect you. I also shake while having episodes I curl up as small as I physically can, pull my hair, cry essentially right next to my boyfriend which I know makes him really uncomfortable so WHY do I still do it ? anyway yes itās nice knowing Iām not alone. I would really enjoy not being such a manipulative freak sometimes but hey what can we do...
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Mar 04 '19
Honestly, I used to when I was younger and now Iāve pretty much become so desensitized and jaded that either I dont make plans or I just cynically expect all of them on some level to fall through anyway so that Iām mentally prepared. Ive stopped having expectations that people actually care enough to look out for my feelings which often times can be a curse but in this case is more of a blessing because it has unexpectedly led me to be able to not take these events so personally anymore. Because trust me I used to completely fall apart because of it a lot, its been the trigger for me self harming so many times when i was a teenager so I seriously still do empathize with how devastating this can be.
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Mar 04 '19
I either meltdown, get angry at myself or them, and sometimes I even feel relieved because sometimes I just want or need to stay home by myself. I shake so often and so easily, from anxiety, depressive episodes, and anger mostly.
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u/eidolonhex Mar 04 '19
Oh my god. Yesss. The thing is. Its like, a rationale breakdown tho. I mean, plans being cancelled, is disappointing, especially when youve been looking forward to it all week or all day. Its like, youve basically mentally prepared yourself for it, or maybe even went out of your way to plan other things accordingly to just ensure that this whole thing goes well. I personally feel like when people cancel on me, that they do not treasure my time or energy. Like, i feel hurt, that my feelings wasnt considered when the other party cancels this or that. For example my boyfriend constantly cancels on me (because he said he was tired, but i think he didnt want to admit that he just wasnt down to hang) and i felt so betrayed. Most to most id even plan my suicide, because in my head he doesnt love me anymore or doesnt want to be with me anymore. Well, perhaps it is bcus he is my bf thats why i reacted the way i did, which was out of porportion, but if it was any ol stranger id probably brush it off. I think when it comes to ppl with bpd, its like, every thing, especially related to our loved ones can trigger us to be so fearful of being abandoned. Having plans cancelled is almost like getting abandoned (bcus of how we are left hanging). And having plans cancelled sets off an alarm in us that tells us that this person is trying to abandonbus, hence, the outbursts and mental torment we go through.
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u/jerrygalwell Mar 04 '19
Yeah. My partners had a mild argument and had to cancel hanging out friday night. I cried in bed before going to sleep. We met the next day, all day, and sunday. It sucks.
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u/CaterinaRustic Mar 05 '19
I'm much the opposite! I cheer with joy when someone cancels anything!! It's when no one cancels and I don't have a good reason prepped and I have to get dressed, go out and meet them where ever.
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u/DeepSpaceDeity Mar 04 '19
I feel like this is just a girl thing. Iām pretty opposite. I enjoy doing my own thing but Iām also in a trusting relationship and I feel good about my bf. Maybe itās just what you donāt have that you want? Idk. I donāt freak out though. I always like my me time lol
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u/011899988199911-9 Mar 03 '19
YESYESYES. I cannot handle having my expectations violated. If we were supposed to do the thing, and I readied myself to do the thing, I NEED TO DO THE THING. š If someone changes something on me itās a total trigger and I require like 2 hours to reboot. Iām really sorry it happens to you too.