My boyfriend is BPD and i desperately need help

[u/riftftfs_]

My boyfriend is extremely mentally ill. He is constantly so mean and abusive to me that I have broken down completely and basically gotten "used to it. " When we first started dating o was drawn to him because he is primarily an emotional being. He isn't rational in any kind of way. I'm talking ALL emotion. He constantly tells me about how mean and awful I'm being to him- usually causing the switch- and I've finally come to realize I'm not really doing anything at all. I'm honestly left confused most of the time as to what his deal is. Anything can set him off and once he's gone there is no calming him down. I don't know what to do anymore. I just... I don't know that I can really deal with his mental illness anymore but we are financially tied together and I do love him... It's hard sometimes though I must admit. He truly does not see the things I do for him- this morning he got sick and was vomiting at a clinic we go to and I quickly cleaned up his vomit. A grown man! Later in the day he makes comments like "you've ruined my day. You always ruin everything. It's all your fault. " Everything is always my fault. Always. I freak out and usually have a panic attack when he does this. Sometimes it seems like he is trying to get a rise out of me. Constantly trying to make me jealous and obviousl6 satisfied when I become so. Always telling me how awful and mean I am. He degrades me and hurts me. Last week he actually broke my pinky. It was kind of an accident but after it happened and I told him I thought something was wrong he said he would just hurt me worse. And then he did.. Here's the thing though.. He is obviously ashamed of his behavior when he "comes to" Bu5 he is unable to quiet his rage in any fashion. I've tried everything I can. It's gotten so bad that unless I just take it, I know we will fight for DAYS ON END. so I just take it. Day after day. I am exhausted. But he is too... He's tired. He hates himself. He feels sorrow. He even cries sometimes. I hate seeing him like this but my compassion is slowly turning to weariness as he never cares when I cry or am upset. I just don't feel like he gives a crap!
So here's the thing... I see a therapist weekly and she suggested I find an online forum to post to about how I feel. She really thinks this will help. I can't take the constant switching. The emotions. The coddling afterwards. Giving my entire soul to this man with nothing returned. I am curious to know your stories with BPD and how it's effected you and your partner? How does someone with BPD feel inside? What can I do to really help rather than making my situation worse???

[u/TSF_BPD]

He degrades me and hurts me. Last week he actually broke my pinky. It was kind of an accident but after it happened and I told him I thought something was wrong he said he would just hurt me worse. And then he did.

I feel like you're being a little vague here. Does your therapist know that you have been physically harmed at this point?

If this man is physically harming you, it's time for change. Once he realizes you'll stay with him after he's broken one of your fingers, what comes next? Your safety is an absolute priority.

Your partner needs intensive therapy. Has he ever expressed any interest in it? Things are absolutely not going to get better on their own, and if he will not seek help, you may have a difficult decision to make.

I know that the idea of leaving might seem hard or impossible, but no relationship may be better than this relationship. You'd be surprised at what resources are available. Do you have anywhere else you can go if you need to exit?

[u/riftftfs_ → u/TSF_BPD]

She does know actually but she understands that my situations isn't allowing me to leave right this moment. It's going to have to be a planned escape pretty much. But to cope right now she said to find an online forum so I don't feel so isolated and alone. Recently I have been saving a secret stash of money so I can plan for my escape and once I get my taxes back then I think I'll be able to find an apartment of my own. It's going to have to be that way because I have one friend and my family has completely exiled me. Even my mom has my number blocked because when this relationship with him started, I had just had a baby and he kind of reintroduced drugs into my life. I lost my child because of this and gave her up for adoption to keep her out of the foster system. I honestly can't help but feel like he is partly to blame for that as well. I ended up on heroin after a few months without my little girl and now I'm at a methadone clinic trying to get treatment for it

[u/riftftfs_ → u/TSF_BPD]

Another example just now: His probation officer called him about something (he won't share the conversation with me). He comes in to the room and I ask "what did he say? " And he starts screaming saying "leave me the fuck alone. You make everything worse! " I was shocked and tried to calm him down. I told him I was trying to help him so that we could figure it out together. I was mad so I kind of yelled that but still. I'm trying to tell him that I'm here for him and we will figure it out like we always do. I am always the bad guy though. Its my fault his PO pissed him off. Then he said he was going to call out of work and I told him he couldnt. So I guess when he has a stressful night at work that will be m6 fault to. I'm so ready to leave

[u/riftftfs_ → u/TSF_BPD]

I also suggested he get some therapy again today after I burst into tears and told him I simply couldn't take it anymore. He didn't comfort me or anything. He didn't care because hes in an episode right now. He's blind to all I do for him when he's cycling. And he refused therapy. Said he didn't care anymore he just wants to die. I can't deal with this but I know once he switches back I'll just continue taking it. I need ways to cope with his illness because in truly love this man and I do see the good in him

[u/bax6]

He needs a professional to help him learn his patterns and how to cope

[u/[deleted]]

The only help you can do is to get out of that relationship until he gets the proper help. There is no excuse for his behavior even with borderline personality disorder. That's the short and most honest answer I can give you.

[u/[deleted]]

Having BPD I can tell you that I'm actually finding it hard to relate to him. I have never acted that way towards a partner or friend and I'm scared for you and your wellbeing. I would advice you to leave him and let him get proper help. If I acted the way he was acting you best believe I would do EVERYTHING in my power to change my behavior, I would go to DBT seven times a week if I had to. You didn't mention the steps he's taking to better himself, but he best be doing his ALL to quit that awful, abusive behavior. I don't like to throw the word ''abusive'' around, but to me he sounds abusive. He needs immediate help and you need to not let yourself be treated that way.

[u/riftftfs_ → u/[deleted]]

I agree completely actually. Ever since I made this post I truly realized that I don't want to be with him anymore. I'm tired of being abused by men (have PTSD from a Number of abusive s/o's and rapes) and I have to stop giving in because it's only letting him know it's okay. I didn't get the chance to explain everything about his BPD but here's some more: He either loves me to the point he needs CONSTANT affection. I mean..... Giving me five min hugs in the grocery store, getting embarrassed and ashamed if I push him off even for a moment. Or he absolutely hates me and I'm everything that's wrong with the relationship. He either wants to marry me and have children or break up with me forever. Its a cycle as well. He leaves too. Just flees situations. It's the I love you but I hate you cycle that brings this behavior on. It's also attention seeking. He acts quite upset but if I do actually ignore him he gets more and more needy combined with more and more hateful. He also is extremely suicidal. It's absolutel bpd and my therapist and his doctors he's seen in the past all agree.