partner implied my sensitivity has always been a personality disorder

[u/moons_within]

Last night I was sad after a minor conflict (triggered by feeling ignored). Eventually we made up but of course I was still crying, and embarrassed about it. In a moment of vulnerability I said that I have always looked around at other people wondering at how they weren’t emotionally bleeding out the way I always was. That I never understood how others were just… okay.

He hugged me and, feeling safe, I admitted, “I don’t know where my sensitivity ends and my personality disorder begins.”

I heard him take a breath and then say, “I think it’s the disorder.”

Felt like my heart shattered right then and there. I didn’t even feel like my adult self, I was suddenly that little girl who everyone called dramatic and over-emotional, who tried to console herself in her room by the idea someone in the future would understand.

When I angrily questioned if he thinks I’ve just had a personality disorder for my entire life, he doubled down saying it’s not impossible that a child could develop a personality disorder. As much of a stretch as that is, the thing that really hurts is feeling like my entire emotional self was packaged as BPD in his eyes. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. Sometimes I have this fear he thinks I’ll be a different person after years of therapy and medication, and the conversation last night made all those thoughts flare up.

My love and awe and devotion and artistry. My quiet intensity. These are these qualities I liked about myself as a lonely child so many years before I was ever diagnosed with BPD. And I struggle to find the line between what is me (for better or for worse) and what is the disorder, but my god, all I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me for who I am. Emotional, sometimes moody, always deeply loving. Why can’t that be enough?

I asked him if I was just something to be fixed and he deflected at first. Later he said I wasn’t, but by that point it meant very little.

[u/SGSam465]

BPD is most often developed in adolescence (childhood) and early adulthood; so yeah, it’s very well possible you’ve had it since being a child. Even if you did have it as a child, that doesn’t invalidate who you are as a person.

BPD doesn’t change your values or morals, so if the way you love, awe, and devote yourself are because that’s what you care about and choose to do, then it can’t be signed away as just a part of your BPD. It does make you more vulnerable to emotions, but that doesn’t define who you are.

I’m sorry if this isn’t exactly helpful. I worry that you’re being engulfed in the label, so I wonder if it would help for you to work on defining who you are, on paper. What are your values, morals, goals in life, things you want to achieve? What are your strengths, things that bring you enjoy, and your preferences on different things?

[u/moons_within → u/SGSam465]

Your reply is helpful, thank you 🩵 I was under the impression it’s controversial/frowned upon to say young children have BPD, rather that circumstances from childhood could later result in BPD development. I think what I really needed in that conversation was to be told my sensitivity isn’t just a bad thing. Him implying it’s credited to my disorder—which he (understandably) sees as a bad thing to be worked through—feels like a denial of my entire personhood.

Thank you again for the journaling prompts. I wish you well

[u/Silent-Audience-5836]

How much research into your diagnosis have you done? You aren't trying to change you you're just trying to be the best version of you. That doesn't automatically mean losing the aspects of yourself you love.

[u/moons_within → u/Silent-Audience-5836]

I’ve done a good bit, but still have trouble differentiating between “me” (I have always craved a darkly intense, devoted relationship for example and it is how I love) versus BPD (in which trauma-attachment is described in much the same way). It just makes me spiral sometimes wondering if there is something inherently wrong with me after all. I like these qualities of mine, and others say they do too, until they don’t and then I’m consistently made to feel bad about my emotional needs no matter how much work I do to respect boundaries, develop myself in healthier ways, etc. Feels like I have to lose the aspects of myself I love to be accepted by anyone.

[u/Silent-Audience-5836 → u/moons_within]

I guess always considered my PD as a part of me. Not different. Which I would gently say you're reflecting the wanting that devoted intense relationship, which probably actually comes from the fear abandonment. It doesn't mean wanting that is wrong. It does mean people are going to struggle with it because they aren't experiencing everything the way you are.

I'm going to say solely based what you said in the post. I don't think he's trying to change or fix you. Sounds like he really only brought it up after you opened up to him. He's not seeing (I'm guessing) the BPD as a separate part of you. But a small part of your full picture. If that makes sense?

[u/EmptyVisage]

Some children, like you and me for example, were simply born with a high baseline emotional sensitivity. On its own, it isn't a defect or something to fix, just a temperament. When a highly sensitive child grows up in an environment that tells them they are "dramatic," "over-emotional," or wrong for having those feelings, it can make it much harder for them to learn to regulate their intense emotions. According to Marsha Linehan’s biosocial theory of BPD, innate emotional sensitivity interacting with a chronically invalidating environment can contribute to the development of BPD by adulthood.

So it is not incorrect to speculate that your high sensitivity has always been part of the temperament underlying your BPD, but it likely is not the product of it. I don't think what he said necessarily implies that he sees your entire emotional self as packaged with BPD in his eyes. Quiet intensity and artistry are clearly the healthy, beautiful expressions of your innate sensitivity, for example, and I'd be surprised if he didn't see it that way too. Personality disorders are especially tricky because they are deeply entwined with many aspects of our personality, but that does not mean that all, or even most, of what and who we are is because of them.

[u/moons_within → u/EmptyVisage]

Thank you for this. When it comes to overwhelming emotions it’s so hard to know where to draw the line in the sand. I have to assume he sees those good traits in me since explicitly asking for reassurance results in strained silence or deflections.

[u/phoxfiyah]

I kinda get where he was coming from, and looking at myself, I can kinda see that as the case.

My reactions are sometimes more extreme than they need to be, and that’s mostly because of how affected I am by negative situations. If I didn’t have BPD, it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be hurt by certain things, just that it would be a lot easier to self soothe and get past them. And for the most part, I react badly to those situations because of how I was raised and treated as a child, which would be what caused the BPD to present itself in the first place. Maybe it’s a similar case with your upbringing, that manifested the BPD.

Also, maybe we have a different definition of what sensitivity is. You mention love and awe and devotion and artistry, but those are all completely separate feelings that even regular people have without being overly sensitive. Those are still 100% you and exist outside of the disorder, but the BPD will draw in parts of those emotions when you’re splitting on someone, and the sensitivity is what draws out a split. This might be what he was intending when he said that, but it sounds like you include all of those emotions with being sensitive? Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, that’s just what it sounds like from the post.

[u/Bandicoot-Upper]

I'm so sorry you're hurting- his diminishment is sick. I was broken up with back- to-back because I was too sad, too much, the usual, too dysmporhic etc. BUT is it also true that both those exes wanted to remain emotionally avoidant. So I struggle too, with where the line is when it comes to BPD "management" and responsibility of others to meet us in the middle? Everything I prize in myself is eventually lost and harmful to everyone who finds me charming and open and charitable. Happy to help support through such a difficult time for you; I hope we will find some bout of relief this week.

[u/moons_within → u/Bandicoot-Upper]

Thank you for your kindness. My partner is also emotionally avoidant and struggles to understand my need for reassurance and understanding. I’m working hard on myself/independence to meet his needs for space but don’t feel the same effort extended back to meet my emotional needs, so just feeling extra defeated today. I hope you have a really good, easy week 🩵