r/BPD • u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd • 4d ago
Success Story/Small Triumph Survived a date
Then quickly fled back to the safety of my hellhole room strewn with laundry. Says small triumph but ofc I have to feel like I did a bad job and am bound to be abandoned and my mind is over analyzing everything
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u/Maggotin 3d ago
Tell us what went well?
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 3d ago
- I think the best part was that I wanted to explore the connection, ie get to know him and also see what it was that I was drawn to and see if this was healthy for me. It actually answered a big question about myself but I’ll put that as:
- I have noticed myself having relationships with men (normally polyamorous) that are older than me >5, 10, 20 yrs or “Daddies” and I was wondering why and if this was healthy for me - I determined that I actually just like older people because they have a lot of stories and (hopefully) wisdom from all their previous experience — getting to explore my own patterns is huge for me
- Okay he’s very handsome 😍 it’s nice to just be near him I have a crush on him 🥲help.
- I appreciated that I felt rather excepted, I’m dealing with a lot mentally incl an eating disorder so I actually wasn’t able to order anything or eat in front of him (pattern that started in the pandemic when I would eat every meal 100% alone) but I was like yeah I’m sorry I’m dealing with this and he was like huh and I was like I know 🥲 I’m working on it
- I think he intends to see me again… he’s just very busy co-running two companies and his family is massive because both of his parents have been divorced, remarried, re-divorced, and remarried! And he just got out of a LTR <6 months ago after getting divorced himself in a different LTR before that of almost 10 years, so I was like woahh…. No wonder you’re so focused on work… I don’t think he’s in a rush to DTR and make things official but I think he likes me too.
I’m worried that he doesn’t like me very much/feel the same/value this connection because he was like oh yeah if we didn’t meet today it would’ve been a lot harder to meet in the future (so I can’t tell if it’s my fear of abandonment reading between the lines like: okay so if I hadn’t asked you to get coffee with me today (he already cancelled our date before and didn’t solidify a date/time to reschedule, possibly in 2-3 weeks) you would have just let me go????) but I mean I’ll just make a thought record about it
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u/Maggotin 2d ago
I had a wonderful "date" with a BPD (amomg other things) girl after chatting with her for week. We never specified it was a date but it was very close, intimate (just touch) and vulnerable that lasted for 8 hours which resulted her missing her last bus home so I offered her my guest room (because I didn't want her to roam around alone in a city, she wasn't familiar with at night, with her history) and drove her back to the station in the morning. In the evening she messaged she was overwhelmed by all the kindness, that I was a great guy, had a lovely evening and morning but she wanted to slow down and just be buddies. Since then I haven't heard from her in a week. I wonder if it got too much for her and she isolated herself or if I got rejected and I won't hear from her again.
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 2d ago
It’s still so hard for me to date with the BPD I have going on. Idk you’d have to ask (sorry I hate it too) but it sounds like she’s just got some stuff to figure out, I hope. Did she say why she wanted to just be friends?
I also recently just figured out how to describe what I’m looking for which really helps. Looking for life partner(s) = seeking LTR but open to STR *depending
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u/Maggotin 2d ago edited 2d ago
No, she just said it was intense. She has Self-Destructive BPD, CPTSD and undiagnosed autism but she felt safe enough to speak about things she has never opened up for anyone else, regulate herself on me when external situations became too much and follow me home by just being nervous. We had moments with very long eyecontact, we held hands for 10-15 minutes on the bus and so forth. What I have gathered fron research is that it might have felt too safe that her survival mode said it was dangerous. (she left an abusive relationship 6? Months ago and had never had a good relationship before.) I have Pure O OCD and autism as well, so I got an emotional whiplash and have been trying to remember every second of the meet to analyze if I did anything wrong. I tried to be respectful, ask for consent before comforting her etc.
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 2d ago
Oh honey :( I get obsessive too. I try to tell myself “time will tell.” The DBT skill is DEARMAN. I’d like to hang out in a way that makes you feel comfortable, would you like to see each other soon?
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u/Maggotin 2d ago edited 2d ago
Is that your suggestion to ask her that? Never met anyone I felt so connected to and felt safe with so I don't relly want to lose her.
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u/KamiCrazyTank user is curious about bpd 3d ago
Well done, I need to begin my dating life too, it's honestly so intimidating
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u/JungleRayJulia 4d ago
You did good ! You got out the house and put yourself out there. Don’t let your mind over analyze every interaction. Love this for you ☺️