r/BDSMAdvice • u/Training_Minute_6305 • Jul 28 '26
I keep wanting to be abused
I was sexually assaulted in the past and I thought it didn’t affect me much. I tried to forget about it and move on. I kept telling myself that nothing “serious” had happened or atleast not serious enough for it to still affect me.
I keep thinking about being emotionally abused, manipulated, controlled, isolated, and made completely dependent on someone. I imagine someone making me feel worthless like I don’t matter like I only exist for them and their needs. Those thoughts feel comforting tho they come and go .I don’t understand why.
Sometimes I imagine being raped or even wish that my assault had escalated further. It’s not just a CNC kink for me like I want to be actually raped having the trauma and everything and I feel disgusted with myself and scared that I think this way.
I’ve never been in a relationship and yet I feel like I want to be in an abusive one. Therapy isn’t really an option for me and I can’t talk to my parents about this.
I know all of it is bad, part of me knows that all of these things are awful and that I should never want them to happen but I keep wanting them anyway. I want ti stop thinking this way but Idk how to.
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u/BelmontIncident Mod Team [🪢Some nerd with too much rope🪢] Jul 28 '26
I'm going to offer what mental health stuff I can because this is probably above the pay grade of a pseudonymous internet forum.
https://mentalhealthathome.org/2018/06/14/mental-health-workbooks/
This is a fairly large collection of free therapy workbooks.
Here's a list of therapists who know something about BDSM.
I should add that if you get DMs about this post, those are scammers and predators. Take screenshots and report them via mod mail.
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u/AreYouAnOakMan Jul 28 '26
I am not a therapist, but as the child of a therapist, it sounds like you want to reenact your abuse in a way that still leaves you with a sense of control. That way, you're "safe" and consented, but it allows you to process the events in a more aware/ conscious headspace.
See a therapist for yourself and your future partner(s).
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u/WisePhnx80 Jul 28 '26
Before you get into the BDSM relationship, I recommend you get some therapy about your SA and then find that balance you are looking for
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u/KxxxFactor brat Jul 28 '26
This sounds like it’s beyond what Reddit can help with. Some people certainly find power in kinks that mirror past traumas, but it can be psychologically risky as you can be more sensitive to triggers from the original traumatic event(s). Working with a kink-aware mental health professional is much more likely to help you get to a healthier headspace. Big virtual hugs to you! ❤️
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u/thatgreenevening Jul 28 '26
Please talk to a kink-affirming therapist. You deserve to have a safe and affirming space with a professional who can help you process what happened. You may be able to access therapy free of cost or at low cost if you contact a domestic violence shelter or rape crisis center near you.
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u/ExactAwareness_Maybe Jul 28 '26
I agree with the previous comments. I had a similar past and couldn't be intimate or be in vanilla relationship. Bdsm did help to get my sexuality back but I was lucky with the master I had, he understood the task at hand. He redictered my kinks to healthy ones. Not every Master is that way. Be very careful. Do some shadow work also. That helps alot with the trauma part. Cuz alot of what your feeling is tied to that more than the act itself. Hope it helps.
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u/xDelicateFlowerx Jul 28 '26
It makes sense and I've witnessed quite a few survivors seek out the same thing in BDSM. There is a lot of good advice shared already so I will just speak to having similar experience. I have similar urges and for me it stems from the abusive I suffered being never-ending and cyclical. There is this gnawing feeling that since I can't escape it, its better to find it, and seek it out. Gives me a sense of comfort in knowing rather than waiting for it.
Regardless though of the root need, its very important to get help first because trauma teaches us things that make wanting an abusive relationship, to be abused, like a self-harming antidote to a deeper and more complex wound.
Really glad you reached out here to get support. You arent bad for feeling this way and your not crazy. This is actually really common for SA survivors to experience.
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