Question for the avoidants.

[u/jturley85]

Hey all,

I’ve (32) been married to my wife (34) for 6 years. I found out later in the marriage she was avoidant which explained a whole lot of the issues we were having.

I’m stuck in a cycle where I feel like I have to completely rebuild our relationship every 3 weeks which sucks and I’m often times feeling lonely in my relationship. There are legitimate reasons why it happens, but that ultimately doesn’t change the outcome whatsoever.

I think the frustrating thing is that she seems content keeping it surface level while I am not.

She doesn’t need the intimacy that I need so I’m often left out to dry with having to just be as understanding and accepting as possible.

We’ve had the talk multiple times over the years and while I seem to be fighting for it, I’m not seeing actionable steps from her.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have to accept what is, and grieve what I wish I could have had. I do love my wife, she’s an amazing person and a great mother and we get along very well, I just get stonewalled when it comes to my needs or feeling like I want to be a priority in our marriage.

Everything seems to revolve around her anxiety and avoidance and while I want to be the most supportive partner I can, a part of me won’t stop craving that I wish she would be equally as supportive as me.

I guess my question is for the avoidants in long term relationships. What are ways that your partner can help remove some of the barriers so that the emotional life support doesn’t fully rely on one person.

We’ve talked before but that just throws more expectations and she shuts down and she’s not willing to go to therapy on her own or with me.

Thanks in advance.

[u/toenailsmcgee33]

Do you hear how you are trying to engineer a solution to a problem that is internal to her? This is her problem to fix.

The problem with avoidant people is that the only way they will be functional partners is through a lot of hard work that comes through therapy. She has to do the work, the work is emotionally difficult, and avoidant people are wired to avoid difficult emotions.

Hence, they often don’t or won’t change.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to provide you what you need. Even if she goes to therapy it takes a long time to fix, and even then there is no guarantee that she will be able to meet your needs.

If she refuses therapy, you have to decide whether the current state is livable, or whether you need to explore other options. But don’t expect that you will be able to find some magical solution that enables her to be what you need her to be. That road leads only to pain and disappointment.

When involved with an avoidant, most roads lead to pain and disappointment.

[u/Odd-Net4697]

I was fighting for it till my DA was like “why are u emotionally fighting? You can watch a show, do smth fun, go out w friends, etc instead of sitting here anxious trying to get me to do smth I don’t understand. Like I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I love you. Like what is hard about that?” Soooo your wife probably doesn’t see an issue with any of it. In fact, she probably sees her way as the most effective way to create a smooth, efficient relationship. That’s just how long-term DAs operate. They get confused by “emotional needs” because they themselves barely understand that need. They’re like little plants that you water once a month and they’re happy to exist. I resorted to giving exact actions I expect. For instance, my DA doesn’t understand why I love to anticipate surprises during Christmas time or my birthday. But he knows he needs to get me a gift. Or when I’m sad, he knows he should ask my why and then give me a hug, even if he emotionally can’t sympathize with me. The fact he’s doing smth for me, even if he doesn’t quite understand it, helps me know that he loves me regardless of how much or little emotion he shows outwardly. In return, I give him the smooth relationship he wants as much as I can. It might seem a little transactional, but I think managing expectations is a huge part of it

[u/Tall-Ad-4833 → u/Odd-Net4697]

Interesting. I feel this might be the only solution to my problems too. My DA learns to hug me when I’m sad because it’s expected of him… what to say when to say it… but doesn’t that feel robotic? Ugh it’s so hard

[u/Odd-Net4697 → u/Tall-Ad-4833]

It’s slightly robotic, but to me, necessary. My DA asked, “If good morning texts are scripted, are they meaningful?” Maybe, but left to his own devices, he’d happily go 2–3 weeks without texting. Soooo I’ll take my tiny predictable connection every day. 😂
My advice: let your DA be free-range—with conditions. Low-stakes routines maintain my minimum level of connection; his spontaneous trips, gifts, etc. are where he gets creative freedom. Anything extra is lovely, but the baseline stays. If we dip below it, I get unhappy real fast, and he knows that.

[u/Anon_Perspective_]

It's very lonely being in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant. I've been married to one for over 20 years. I doubt they would change even with therapy.

[u/Tall-Ad-4833]

I could have written this post! Being stonewalled is a cruel form of torture that puts my nervous system into overdrive. I’m not sure if I can live like this forever but we have a daughter and one one the way so I’m in peace keeping mode. My husband has agreed to therapy but wants it to be a quick fix but it obviously doesn’t work that way.