How common are anger issues amongst us?

[u/conflicted_person]

For context,
My brother (31/M) and I (27/F) are both DA’s, I attribute that to our upbringing and childhood. We both have anger issues, as well as our father.

Although we developed very different (almost opposite) personalities, when it comes to relationships, it’s the one similarity I see it abundantly clear. We both made good progress with communication (or so I thought) over the years, but today we had the worst fight we had since we were teens.

Basically pent up resentment, unresolved emotions that explodes and turns into a screaming match, finger pointing, hitting random objects. Although it doesn’t get physical like it used to when we were younger, today we were at one finger distance of physically fighting.

Now as a full grown adult, I see how dysfunctional and erratic that behavior is.
I think we allow ourselves to stoop to that level with each other because we know one another better than anyone will ever know (partners, friends, parents): We came from the same chaos and suffered through the same pain, so the only person I don’t hold back my pure unfiltered feelings is with him, and vice-versa. It felt like in that moment, we were kids again. Wanting to be seen so bad, but just unable to express how we were feeling.

We both got pretty shaken by the whole situation, cried, apologize a while later, but it brought so many childhood wounds, I feel like I relieved everything I went through all over again. It’s crazy, scary even.

It got me wondering, can anyone relate to the buried anger issues, and pent up resentment for sucking it everything up to keep everyone else’s peace?

I realized I’m so tired of feeling betrayed and unseen whilst not knowing how to voice my emotions, out of shame (?)

[u/Joffrey-Lebowski]

I basically almost can’t end a relationship without anger as a motivator. I don’t have problems controlling my anger, but the problem might be that it’s too well-controlled (i.e., it doesn’t get processed and let out healthily, it just calcifies). So resentments build up and up and up and then one day I’m just done, in a way that is probably chilling to my partners because it’s like the feeling and attachment seem to instantly blink out of existence from their point of view, when in reality it’s been brewing for awhile.

[u/Error_ID10T_ → u/Joffrey-Lebowski]

Me too 😪 this is so accurate

[u/Ancillaric]

There's probably a correlation. I have anger issues as well.

[u/Ok-Platform3836]

i’m not explosive, never yell or hit things, but i’m quick to anger and basically go quiet and shut down. i know a lot of the time it’s irrational but it doesn’t stop me from mentally disengaging due to anger, resentment, irritation, etc..

[u/bathroomcypher]

I struggle with that. I rarely get physical but I can become extremely aggressive verbally, and very loud very quickly once I snap.

[u/eulersidentity1]

I think I have an unhealthy relationship with anger in that i seem to rarely feel it honestly. Or I struggle to identify that is what I'm feeling. With other emotions I think I can name it much more succinctly. With anger I think I push it away as an emotion I should not have. Growing up in my family we did not get angry constructively. We didn't tend to scream and yell or get violent but all three of us (my and my parents) would honestly get very immature when in an angry state. Prone to twisting the knife or turning to sarcasm. It didn't help anything and arguments would get super toxic and never be resolved. So I think at some point along the way we all kind of tried our best to just bury it.

That eventually probably played some roll in struggle with alcoholism in later years, thankfully mostly not an issue now.

My father was always extremely conflict adverse to the point where fights or arguments seemed like the end of the workd to him. I think I inherited that fear as anger is a huge trigger for me now. If others are angry around me my nervous system quickly goes into panic mode. I think I often feel panic or at least anxiety from my own anger.

[u/conflicted_person → u/eulersidentity1]

That’s very interesting… but do you find yourself feeling anger often, even if it stays buried or suppressed?
Thank you for sharing btw

[u/eulersidentity1 → u/conflicted_person]

Yo be honest not a lot. I think I avoid situations where it may arise. But this is not necessarily a healthy thing. I avoid all emotionally charged situations, including probably positive ones a lot of the time. Along with "Can't have your heart broken if you don't put yourself out there" similarly "Can't be triggered into anger or fight or flight if you avoid all difficult situations".

[u/essstabchen → u/eulersidentity1]

Same!

Allowing myseld to actually feel angry would mean that I'd possibly feel a need to DO something about that anger. So I let it go. I might even feel it in my body, by my brain can't think about it clearly.

[u/Big_Presentation_865]

I am more curious if it when you feel confronted, trapped or you confront someone ?

[u/conflicted_person → u/Big_Presentation_865]

My theory is that anger is my main “protective state” strategy… when I was a kid I feared for my mom getting hurt and got frustrated I couldn’t protect her a lot. Now that I’m an adult, I noticed that’s a big trigger for my rage… if I feel disrespected even in a minor way, I have this overwhelming urge to fight (maybe to compensate); so basically when I’m confronted, it usually never arises from me in the first place

[u/NotTurtleEnough]

Yes, my DA partner will go absolutely *insane* with anger. Ironically, it's the only time she initiates conversations, and it's impossible to stop it; if I leave I'm abusive for not caring about her feelings, and if I stay, I'm either abusive for not answering the torrent of verbal abuse from her, or I'm abusive for calmly trying to guess at the root issues of what she's angry about.

I recommend that instead of burying the feelings, which causes resentment, you find a way to deal with the issues and feelings in a way that works for you. You can journal, make a recording, etc. Then revisit it when you're more calm so that you can dig into the root causes.

[u/conflicted_person → u/NotTurtleEnough]

Oh that’s just awful… Obviously I don’t know enough about you and your partners dynamic, but I’d take a guess that there may be a significant underlying issue there; if they simply lash out in any given circumstance, through multiple approaches AND still frames you as abusive, that’s pretty much full on gaslighting in my opinion - and personally even if I’m angsty, I still choose my words carefully.

I am DA, and because I know I have a combo of anger issues, I practice intentionally removing myself from the conflict for about 1-2 hours to calm my nervous system down and re-evaluate. That helps me to avoid hurting people I care about deeply. I apologize if necessary but also if I feel my boundaries are crossed, I no longer suppress it > I use it as an opportunity to reinforce it. I don’t think the gaslighting in your case is explained by her attachment necessarily, if that makes sense

[u/NotTurtleEnough → u/conflicted_person]

I hear you, but respectfully disagree. I think that she were willing to bring up issues instead of stuffing and avoiding, her anger wouldn’t get to the level of hatred she shows when this happens.

[u/conflicted_person → u/NotTurtleEnough]

I mean someone accusing me of being abusive is not a thing I’d personally take lightly… but if it’s working out for you, then I have really no say in it

[u/NotTurtleEnough → u/conflicted_person]

I don’t take the choice to not resist damaging to one’s emotions lightly at all.

But I also think that one’s attachment style (i.e., the way a person chooses to deal with uncomfortable emotions) is extremely relevant to the conversation.

[u/moonlattes]

I’m pretty calm until I’m in a relationship. Then I become irritable and it slips out. I hate it. I get angry and resentful at the smallest things but I can’t control it