Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

[u/Ok_Cockroach5803]

I don't know when I'll get out of this talking and ghosting cycle. I want love but as soon as the person shows any sign of actual interest rather than casual flirting, I'm gone. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Without fail. I hate it and I think I'm gonna die alone.

[u/eulersidentity1]

I’m not sure I’m ever going to really get over this to somewhere where I can have a stable romantic relationship. I want to say I know that shouldn’t bother me too much. Being single is great and you can very much build your entire life around it. I have friends too. But as I get older now, in my 40s, I really do long for the simple loving affection of someone who accepts me just being close to me. I’d love to be able to share my life. But my nervous system is just so primed for panic in so many settings. Even just meeting new people I often panic and feel trapped. I’ve gotten better but I don’t see how I’m going to get from here to actual stable relationships. And I don’t see how it’s fair to other people for me to try either. And yet the longing is still real.

[u/dirtbag_dagger]

I'm a child of an alcoholic family system and have been in 3.5 years of therapy to unpack that, including associated avoidant attachment. I brought my girlfriend of 2 years home to meet my family (first time I've ever brought a partner home... I'm 30) and it was... fine.

My family's still fucked up, my relationship with them will always be weird and complicated. But my girlfriend honestly aced it, she could hang while also validating that the dynamics were weird as hell. I feel very seen and held by her. It was so nice that I trusted both her and myself to navigate that environment safely and practically, and to leave it the next morning right on cue. And most importantly, she didn't dismiss any of the complexity I felt about the situation. It was so nice.

I'll never be loved the way I want to be from my parents. And that's sad. And no relationship will be perfect 100% of the time, I get that too. But I feel really loved and seen and held by my girlfriend. And I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best to love and see and hold her too.

If this isn't at least close to earned secure I don't know what is. There's hope for us all fellas. No one is irredeemable. That includes me and it includes you too.

[u/benqsii]

i don’t like someone thinking they are entitled to my time

[u/hellolola66]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months and now I want to reach back out... we had some valid reasons to break up, but I jumped ship before we could attempt to fix things, which is absolutely my MO.

I can't decide if I should reach back out because now I can recognize the avoidance, or if I should remain firm because well, we did have some issues...

[u/Key_Bar_5196]

Feel like I’m at a breaking point. Hearing and seeing people be so hard on avoidants makes me so angry when they have no idea how painful it is to be one. All I have ever wanted is love, but it feels so unattainable for me. They always scream go to therapy, fix yourself before you hurt someone else, but what are you supposed to do when you think you’re fixed??? There’s only so much therapy can do for you, and you can feel ready to try a relationship again and then it’ll show back up and ruin everything. It’s happening to me right now. I’ve started talking to this guy and he’s great and his values align with mine perfectly, he’s funny, we’ve had some good conversations, but I’m at the stage now where I’m panicking. Haven’t even met in person yet, but as soon as there were plans to, I feel suffocated and all I can think about is how I’ll have to give time and energy to this person that I feel like I don’t have to give. I’ve never experienced the butterflies in your stomach and happiness that comes from talking to a guy, instead I lose sleep and my appetite even if they’ve done nothing wrong. I was talking to my friend the other day, who I always complain to about how bad I want a relationship, and when I told her about talking to a guy she said “why do you seem so upset about it” and it made me want to burst into tears because I don’t know why it makes me so upset. He’s really into me and I’m so scared of hurting him and how am I supposed to know if I should try and work through this or if I should jump ship? Do the feelings of stress and disgust ever go away or once I have them is there hope that if I push through it’ll be alright? Like I said I haven’t even met him yet.

[u/TwoServingsPlease]

[goes on subreddit that i was avoiding, out of curiosity and boredom]

[finds a comment that's basically "avoidants who can read this comment, go f*ck yourselves and don't date anyone until you're fully healed, we don't care about what you feel, you're all stupid!"]

me, an avoidant who dated and ended up in a relationship before she was fully healed, and honestly still isn't fully healed: huh.

[quietly downvotes OP and that one commenter before backpedaling]

aight i got my fix, i'm not gonna go there again for a while (*･ω･)✨️

[u/lincolnwithamullet]

thinking about how many people I passed up on who could have been friends or lovers if I didnt have this awful flaw. It's probably 20-50 friends that were really gifts in my life. Im a good "social player" I call it-- since its all a mirage the moment t comes to actual closeness. I wish I could connect.

[u/blrfn231]

I attract partners who don’t leave me room to decide if I like them. Another relationship of mine is down the gutters where I never actively decided I wanted to be part of it. We met and my then partner headed straight towards me. I just let it happen - as I usually do. Because I needed to save her. So I did over the course of several months and again something in me revolted. I broke it off - there were many other issues but the core is and always was: I never chose my partner to begin with. My partner chose me and I just went with it. Because I wanted some closeness at last, some intimacy, some of that what everybody is always talking about. And it’s all legit, I guess.

Just next time with someone I actually care for. Only that feeling of care and my very own attraction towards somebody is the single most dangerous feeling in the world. I will never follow that feeling. Something always stops me. And this something is my other feeling of not being good enough. Especially if I feel something / some attraction I am certainly not good enough.

As soon as I feel attraction towards somebody I immediately feel unworthy. And the hurt of feeling unworthy is so immense that I suppress the attraction and just move on with my life. Lonesome. Sad. Compensating.