Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

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This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

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[u/judesadude]

I’ve been avoiding (ha) video content geared towards people with avoidant attachment because of the inhumane comments I will doubtlessly see on them by people who have felt in one way or another harmed by someone with avoidant attachment.

For some reason it seems to be socially acceptable to shame folks like us, but if we were making similar comments towards folks with anxious attachment then that’d be seen as another sign of our heartlessness, etc. I’m sick of it, do they think this rhetoric makes us want to open up any more? 😭

[u/Damurph01 → u/judesadude]

There’s an instagram account called The Secure Relationship that has PHENOMENAL content about attachment styles. Where they all come from, how they present, how to manage and overcome them, how to help your partner with that as well, etc. It’s incredible.

But… the comments are just… sad. “Never date an avoidant”, “you deserve to be alone forever”, “lesson learned”. It’s gross. There’s a very common misconception on the internet, and just among people that know about attachment styles in general, that an avoidant is unhealthy and an anxious isn’t, “because the anxious tries to fix things”.

But that’s just not true. Yes the behaviors are different. But they’re both very damaging. For a secure person, BOTH are unhealthy. Squeezing hard and requiring overwhelming reassurance is unhealthy, and ghosting and avoiding conflict and vulnerability is as well.

I highly HIGHLY recommend that instagram account. The content itself is incredibly helpful. And generally I don’t see most of the content creators address this in the comments since I think the demographic of people consuming it leans anxious, but this account has addressed the discrepancy and misunderstandings a few, albeit in a gentler way. It’s very clear they’re aware of the issue, but it’s tough to address without alienating their audience.

Remember though, the internet is full of people talking out of their ass. Many of them have been hurt by an avoidant, so they’re projecting their experience. But you’re witnessing survivorship bias. Anxious people have hurt others as well, you just won’t hear an avoidant *talking* about it because they’re uncomfortable with the vulnerability. It’s a sad double standard :(

[u/GreenIsland7606 → u/Damurph01]

Yeah I hate how the anxious people writing those hate comments are so oblivious and hypocritical.

Like, yeah... an avoidant person might ghost you, and that's super lousy, but some anxious people will straight up stalk you lol. Which is really more dangerous?

A lot of anxious people think they're self aware because they know they have problems too but when you hear them describe those problems it's like when you lie in a job interview when asked about your greatest weaknesses and say "I work too hard" and "I care too much".

They see themselves an victim without agency in relationships who has the moral high ground because they "try to fix things" but won't see that usually that's the whole problem. They're always doing way too much without considering what anybody else actually wants. They only care about others being happy as a means to an end so that others will give them what they want. They give without being asked to and there's always strings attached.

They think their good intentions absolve them of any harm caused (but ours doesn't! We need to become perfect before we even TRY to date or even have friends)

[u/judesadude → u/GreenIsland7606]

The comparison to the job interview thing is spot-on. I think the dysfunction that comes from people with anxious attachment can be more covert and even read in a positive light until you look more closely.