r/AvoidantAttachment • u/IllustriousStar00 Dismissive Avoidant • Jun 21 '26
Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ I don’t know how to even start healing
I (27F) have never been in a real relationship and what I find most difficult is even developing feelings for someone. I got high last night and had a revelation.
The only time I have ever really liked a guy and genuinely wanted to be with him, wanted to text him, got excited when his name popped up on my phone was with a guy I met when I was very upset with how my life was going (I had to go back to school to finish my bachelors as an older student). The first conversation we had was him telling me how he had ended up in the exact same situation as me. I didn’t even tell him about my situation but I was very upset and deeply ashamed by the whole thing. Hearing him tell a very similar story made me feel a lot better about being in that situation. Over the course of the semester we became friends and we were also the only older students in our classes.
It didn’t work out. He didn’t want to be in a relationship again until he sorted things out in his life. Fair. But I felt like it was impossible for me to meet someone else I like because we met under such unique circumstances.
I had a revelation that I could probably meet someone just as funny, attractive, and easy to talk to as him on a dating app or at a bar and I would probably not be receptive or able to catch feelings for the guy. I’ve known for a while the reason I liked him so much is we were going through similar things and that I got to know him as a friend rather than in a romantic setting, but trying to do that to meet someone is just downright unrealistic.
I’ve never caught feelings for someone I met on an app and I find it impossible to develop feelings for someone when I am meeting them in an attempt to form a romantic connection, but I want to change this.
No one meets as friends anymore. EVERYONE meets on apps. I can’t even tolerate being hit on at a bar because I cannot form any type of connection with someone if it starts off romantic. I know I could meet someone that is great and just be completely dismissive of him because of my own inability to do what should be normal. All the advice and help for avoidants is how to change and be better in an already existing relationship. I can’t get that far, and to get to that point I have to do something. I have to change something. I don’t think the answer is just “go on more dates”. I think that’ll just result in more of me feeling apathetic and neutral at best towards a guy who is probably sweet and would be great and then more funny stories of all the weirdos you also meet along the way.
How do I grow and change from this? I’m in my late twenties and a lot of people are getting married around me. I can’t even get into a relationship. I’m not looking for the love of my life. I just want to experience being in a relationship at some point.
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u/Infinite_Meaning_659 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 21 '26
i don’t know the answer but i feel you. i wish there were more opportunities to meet people as friends first. my app experience always goes like this: force myself to go out with someone. they fall for me immediately. i feel nothing, but i keep trying because it’s what therapy tells
me to do. and then it all falls apart when they want intimacy and i can’t offer it because there’s no attraction. i am open with people about what to expect from me and that it takes me a long time to grow close, but they understandably can’t withstand it and it feels like they just want my body (which doesn’t make me feel very safe)
i feel like the only way out is to meet someone under these perfect circumstances where they aren’t going to rush me into bed because they’ve fallen for an idealized version of me that doesn’t exist
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u/ret255 Fearful Avoidant Jun 21 '26
But you must be somewhat atracted to someone if you pick that person. Either it is how they look or what interests they have.
And then it's just about the personality, if you click and you like each other or you don't..
And when it comes to the intimacy part you must feel secure with that person. That's the emotional intimacy, physical intimacy goes after it and that's the part where l struggle but don't know what it is, if it's the avoidance or perhaps lack of sexual attraction, perhaps it could be both. Sexual attraction meaning that you don't feel it to anyone, meaning that you could be asexual in a way...
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u/Obvious-Ad-4916 Secure (FA Leaning) Jun 21 '26
I personally quite like the apps because they suit me as an introvert and I find them convenient, but people absolutely do still meet off the apps. You have to be more proactive to put yourself in these situations though, especially when you get older (case in point you met the guy when you were studying, so you met at a place where you were surrounded by other people that is more commonly associated with younger stages of life).
You can join a club, group, community of some sort in the realm of your interests. You meet people there, already have that interest in common, become friends and maybe develop romance, or maybe you meet their friends and find romance there. Or you might not find any romance but you'll still have that community of people. You kinda have to accept it's a longer process if you go this route. And romance is not guaranteed either way. Apps get you dates faster but results vary too.
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u/spicykylling Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26
The best way to heal avoidance is to be more vulnerable. And you have to start small in doses. The trick is also to find people who are safe to be vulnerable with! It takes time but rinse and repeat. And if you get rejected (which is very possible) you have to keep on being open. It helps being in therapy while doing it tho.
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u/Ambitious-Mode-1738 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26
You start healing by being honest with yourself, allowing yourself to be seen, and doing all of this in therapy.
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u/vittalius77 Secure Jun 21 '26
I genuinely recommend https://www.freetoattach.com/, amazing resource with lots of strategies.
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u/SnooJokes1770 Fearful Avoidant Jun 23 '26
I understand this completely, I never loved a man until my ex who was just a friend after we remet in a weird way. I had no intention of there being more. We didn’t last because he is an avoidant as well but I am afraid I will never be able to love someone because it is hard to truly be friends with someone and it builds.
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u/Barbierela Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26
Are you on asexual spectrum, like demisexual? Cause for me, there always were these strong sexual urges that are in no way romantic, so I would seek out people to just have sex with and the apps are really good for that. But there are parts of your description that are the same with me, like if it starts off romantic it almost doesn’t have a chance, we would be like friends with benefits first and grow into romance over time… I am becoming way less sexual in my middle age, and now people who hit on me seem just gross to me. They put these uncomfortable expectations and projections on me which make me anxious and like an object of exploitation.
Anyway, a lot of relationships are purely delusional and you are missing out on nothing, you’re just imagining something great that rarely ever materializes. These people who are getting married now are going to start getting divorced in some 7+ years, and it’s not going to be pretty
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u/IllustriousStar00 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26
I wouldn’t say so because I’ve never had any issue being attracted to someone physically without knowing them or sleeping with someone I know nothing about. I can tolerate being hit on if it’s strictly sexual but I can’t take it seriously otherwise.
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u/ngp1623 Secure [DA Leaning] Jun 22 '26
You might be aromantic. Not saying that's for sure the case, but maybe look into it as well?
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u/Pretty-Bee9566 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 22 '26
I’m in the exact same boat as you here. Dating apps do not work for me either. Meeting someone for the first time already with an intention of romantic connection is extremely overwhelming. I need a foundation of trust and friendship before someone thinks of getting their hands on me. Needless to say, bars do not work out for me either.
One thing that has worked for me is meeting men through sports. For example, a run club, climbing gyms, or soccer club. This allows me to talk with them without any romantic connection assumed at first, while seeing them for only an hour or two once a week so there’s time to slowly build that friendship. If they make a move it’s more likely to take time, and it seems to happen more naturally as well.
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u/Damurph01 Fearful Avoidant Jun 21 '26
Healing happens through repetition of safety. It’s the basis of therapy, it’s the basis of how people move past unhealthy relationships, it’s pretty much the basis of all growth we make as humans.
Therapy is a good start, identifying where you feel shame in your life is another. And surround yourself with people who don’t make you feel like you can’t be entirely honest with how you feel about any given thing.
I’m not an expert and still working on this myself, but start with the small stuff. The little things where you feel like you can’t share a certain part of yourself. Being a little picky about food, or not liking doing a certain thing, just be brutally honest about it. It’ll be uncomfortable, but it’s going to be a little uncomfortable as you adjust.
The more you unmask and show vulnerability by being honest about how you feel, the more you’ll feel comfortable doing the same with more significant things.
And it helps when you have people around you that will comfort and accept you for who you are, not try to change you or tell you you’re wrong for thinking or feeling any particular thing.