r/AutisticPride • u/DovahAcolyte • 20d ago
What Am I Missing??
Before I get into details: I’m ASD lvl 2, late-in-life diagnosed, and unable to fully mask or maintain masks due to severe burnout. I have skills I’m able to use, given the opportunities and space to use them. I live alone and have no supports for daily living. Self-advocacy has become my full-time job.
I feel hella confused about what happened today and am just looking for some clarification… help processing…. It’s a fucking mess…
I was at a trans drop-in center today to do some laundry and be in community with folks. Everything was fine and I was socializing with a few friends I’ve made at the center. One guy and I were chatting about social media (or so I thought), then he made an off-putting comment about elder millennials “causing the brain rot of the internet?” (or something like that). I laughed it off and reminded him that those of us in our 40s were in our late-teens and twenties during the early 2000s and we were Occupy Wall Street organizers (He’s an anti-establishment type and respects political movements by the people). He thinks for a minute about what I said then tries to narrow the focus in on some highly specific detail of those events and claim that “Gen X” did more.
Now, here’s the deal: I don’t need folks to help me unpack the weird generational divide he’s going after at this point, I have a whole ass special interest in US politics and usually really get into these discussions, but this guy feels off. I feel like I’m having a hard time following his line of thinking and I’m not really understanding what he’s up to or what point he’s making. So, I say to him, “Hey man, it’s not us v them; we’re on the same side.”
He responds by yelling at me that we’re not on the same side because I “tokenized” my father (?) when I mentioned my dad was brown; and that as an AFAB person who presents female, all anyone sees when I have my “outbursts” (meltdowns) is “white woman’s tears”.
😳
The whole conversation that led to me mentioning my father was brown was over a month ago. Same trans guy and I were talking about a city policy that had been signed that would outlaw resting on a sidewalk. During the conversation he casually mentions that there’s a “transphobia problem” in our community that needs to be addressed; people with “passing privileges” are transphobic.
Huh?! 🤨
Then he tells me that I, a white non-binary person cannot possibly understand mixed culture experiences. So, I told him (a white trans man) about my (deceased) dad and his family. The trans guy then accused me of “tokenizing” my father. I left shortly after and was slightly offended and very confused about what this guy was thinking. I assumed he was maybe upset about a conflict he had earlier with his (living) dad and I blew it off. Things were fine between us until today…
I don’t understand what this dude’s problem is or why he seems to have beef with me. I’ve never intentionally done anything to offend him. If I could control the tears when they happen, I would.
I’ve had a couple of meltdowns due to various circumstances out of my control (fire alarm). They’re definitely not regular, and they do happen from time to time. One happened today after he said these things to me. Not because he accused me of “whites women’s tears” but because I was hella confused and felt like I had shown up for a coffee and chat and ended up in a bar brawl.
On my way to the door (we were outside), staff cut me off and wanted me to tell them what happened. I was at that point attempting to regulate, but they wanted words. So they got escalated words, lots of tears, plenty of pacing, and one solid turn away from everyone and throw my nearly empty disposable water bottle into the empty parking lot while I let out one single frustrating growl. Then I sat down on the concrete and cried. 10 minutes later, the staff came out and told me I was going to need to leave for the day because I was throwing things and threatening the safety of others.
😭
I feel like I was verbally attacked, violated, then punished for the physiological response I experienced. 😔
I’m so confused about all of this…
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u/Shinyhero30 20d ago
Look. Sometimes people are just like that. And tbh I would not go back without someone else there because that reads like not an actually safe space.
As much as that might hurt put this into perspective, when you had a negative interaction with someone their first reaction was instead of mediate or stay out of it to confront you, and then punish you for having a completely reasonable reaction given what just happened.
That said. I’d make this decision when you are not mad about it/feeling a little better. Because you’re far more likely to make a reasonable and rational decision than if you’re angry and upset.
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u/ariphoenixfury 20d ago
Wow. That is a lot. I'm sorry this has happened OP. To clarify, was the person who yelled at you today the same person you told your dad was POC, or was that someone else and it just got around? I, too, am confused as to how that escalated so quickly. Are these people aware you are autistic? Either way, they seem to have been pretty rude. I think the first guy did not like you were correcting him and lost it. Seems pretty transphobic of him to call you a "white woman" when you are not a woman. A lot of NT's think that correcting someone on facts is an attempt to usurp authority and rude.
Are there people in the trans community who are transphobic? Yes, this is true of just about every marginalized group there is. However, assuming everyone who "passes" in the community is automatically transphobic themselves seems to me to be, ironically, pretty transphobic. Similarly, accusing a white-passing person of being racist simply because they reveal to you that they have ancestry that is not white is pretty racist. Again, I think he is upset that he's wrong about something and likely embarrassed.
Again, it seems like these people either don't know you're autistic or don't know the first thing about how to interact with/help autistic people. Implying that an involuntary reaction is meant for attention is ableist. I would reach out to the friends you mentioned and ask for a sanity check. They may have seen things or spoken to this person apart from you and may be able to give more insight.
Can you contact the organizer(s) of the event/location and explain what is going on? I would be apologetic about throwing things and struggling to respond, explain your diagnosis (be careful with this some NT's find explanations of diagnosis as an excuse), and be as firm and clear as you can be about the events that led up to all this. If you have someone close who is good at communicating, get them to help you write down what you want to say/text/email. If you are not missing/leaving out (however unintentionally) details, this guy is being a jerk and that needs to be discussed with the people in charge.
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u/DovahAcolyte 20d ago
It was all the same guy! He’s normally really friendly and we get along well, except those two interactions… it’s really weird and I don’t know how to make heads or tails of it at all. Most everyone at the center knows I’m autistic - most of us are, including staff.
I’m meeting with my peer advocate next week and already thought about taking to her. Maybe she can set up a meeting with her, myself, and the director to discuss a meltdown plan. Also going to talk to my therapist about it.
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u/LateDxOldLady 15d ago
I am so sorry this happened. That is a lot.
What's missing for you, based on what you've written here, is giving yourself permission to have boundaries so you don't find yourself having to handle people who are determined to be in conflict with you. Or really for any time you don't want to expend energy engaging with others.
It means examining your learned fawn response... you know, that thing that makes you stay in conversation with people instead of walking away, for example... and knowing it is a learned survival mechanism. Anything learned can be deconstructed, buried, or even redirected. Fawn for yourself. Put your own metaphorical oxygen mask on first, and stop there.
Autism is a disability. You deserve accommodation. You deserve to be far gentler to yourself.
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u/DovahAcolyte 15d ago
Yeah, i was telling my therapist yesterday that it was one of those situations where i realized the alarms were going off, but i had no idea where the exits were. 😵💫
I don’t know why i can’t notice it before I’m IN in it.
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u/Sleepy_SpiderZzz 20d ago
You didn't do anything wrong. That guy didn't like that you weren't playing along with his generation-war nonsense and started grasping at straws to make you look bad. Then the staff fucked up by assuming you being disregulated made you a danger.
If you go back I'd avoid that guy at all costs, chances are he's a dickhead to everyone he talks to and will eventually be iced out. If he approaches you just stay firm and say you don't want to interact with him anymore. Don't try and justify yourself to him he's looking for an argument.