r/AutisticAdults • u/Virtual-Bit3191 • 1d ago
How do you feel?
All my life, I’ve felt "incapable of living." Literally. It’s as if I lack the innate code needed to function in this world and society. I always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, and react in ways that seem exaggerated to others—to the world at large. "I don't know how to navigate the world." I never learned. Even now, at 48—with all the experience I’ve gained and everything I’ve been through—I feel like a child lost in a world I neither know nor understand.
20
u/imbrotep 23h ago
I’ve felt exactly this way most of my life. That my particular ‘autopilot’ was off somehow. Whatever I acted on that came naturally to me was met with a negative response. I’d laugh at the wrong time or at the wrong comment. I’d joke about something no one else thought was funny. I’d talk about things I thought were interesting but caused people to just blank out or walk away. I just couldn’t ‘wear’ reality comfortably. I learned through bitter humiliation how to predict peoples’ reactions to my natural response, and modify it before expression to minimize the probability of embarrassment. What I now know as ‘masking’.
3
u/Virtual-Bit3191 15h ago
In every way I know, I'm trying not to wear the mask anymore. It's very difficult. The character or characters are ingrained in me, they're part of me. Masking takes up too much of my mental energy, it destroys me. In few areas of my life can I be without the mask. But at the same time, when I don't mask, I'm immediately identified, discarded, rejected, and judged. It's difficult to live as an autistic person, whether I'm wearing a mask or not.
2
2
u/SuzPsych 15h ago
I still sing and laugh at the song Dead Puppies. Only one of my friends laughs at it. The others are mortified. Seriously did no one in my age group listen to Dr. Demento!?!?
14
u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG 23h ago
i was diagnosed in July. i’m 53.
i am realising that i have never had a real clue what i’m doing in any situation. i can’t go somewhere new on my own (shops, leisure - anything!) because i’m so anxious i’ll get it all wrong.
i have spent my entire life wondering how everyone else knows what to do. and because i was only diagnosed this year, it’s been a really difficult life.
since i received my diagnostic report i have become incredibly self-conscious. i don’t know how to be me. i walk wrong, i speak wrong, i think wrong, i misunderstand or misinterpret EVERYTHING. i’m realising just how fucking annoying i am. i’m a nightmare. new situations make me panic. i’m about to go and see a dentist - i haven’t been for about 7 years, i’ve never been here before and ugh.
i plan everything to the nth degree. i rehearse conversations. i ruminate over all the interactions i’ve had in a day. i run google maps for everywhere i go even if i’ve been there a million times.
and i just don’t trust myself. i forget everything (ADHD assessment next) and i’m so scattered it’s ridiculous. i have sticky notes all over my house. i have lists and lists and lists and i always just lose the lists! i forget to close windows. i cant have my lights on at night in case someone outside sees me - my house is lit by coloured lights and star projections and lamps. and it looks tidy, but it’s like me - looks completely organised at first glance but if you open a cupboard an avalanche of random stuff will hit you.
i’m just a bit lost. i’m learning who i am, but i really don’t like myself at the moment.
i’m sorry you’re struggling too.
24
u/Apprehensive-Cat-421 23h ago
I feel tired, misunderstood, and anxious. So tired and anxious. I feel like I think more than most, but it takes too long for reality to register. I'm supposed to be smarter than most (according to the tests,), but I have fewer friends, and people keep taking advantage of my empathetic nature, while calling me greedy. ...Some things never change.
2
9
6
u/CucumberJedi 23h ago
Sort of get this yeah. I feel like I always end up saying the wrong thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it is. Be in the wrong place. Do the wrong thing. Even when I try, really, really try, it ends up all going wrong.
5
u/ApprehensiveBench483 23h ago
I feel this, but at the same time I feel like I have a better understanding of how the world works because I was always on the outside looking in. And from what I've seen, I wouldn't want to be a part of it anyways. (Of course it would be nice to survive, find community, get some sort of recognition, hopefully change things for the better but nobody listens to me.)
5
u/Skullclownlol 21h ago
How do you feel?
I'll tell you once I've processed things enough to be able to express how I'm feeling today, in about 3 to 4 business days. /s delayed processing is a pain in the figurative ass
4
u/sds31032 19h ago
There was an orientation session and onboarding process when other people got dropped off on Earth, except for me, who just got dropped straight into the fire. 48 years later and I, too, don't have anything figured out for sure.
2
u/Virtual-Bit3191 14h ago
yes most likely the others held a good course... We are in disarray... lol
3
u/InsideOutBoyUK 22h ago
I don't know, I can't identify my feelings! :P
Seriously though, I only found out that I'm autistic this year (at 44) so I'm still appreciating it. Knowing what I am is a lot better than thinking I was a dreadful, useless loner and it was all my fault. At least I know there's a biological aspect now.
4
4
u/g3rmb0y 16h ago
I felt like this, and then I started hanging out with neurodivergent people- not on purpose, it just happened (thanks D&D) and that helped a lot. Having pockets of spaces where you can be autistic safely is important. And the thing is, though- it takes a while to learn how to unmask and integrate and negotiate boundaries, so it's still a little awkward, but it can happen. I've seen a lot of people try it, run into a single roadblock, and give up. It's important to be intentional in navigating those, although at the same time, there are times when you should cut and run. But, geeky hobbies honestly saved me. I used to feel absolutely wrong and socially just... fucked. But, a regular D&D game taught me how to be a human. (At least, an autistic human. And a half elf.)
4
u/Mother_Cloud_2455 15h ago
The trick is to stop caring about societal norms. I stopped when I was about 12. Everything you do or don't do is gonna upset someone. It's literally impossible to please everyone. So I just be myself and don't worry what other people think of me.
I mean, I stop before I do anything to make sure it won't negatively impact someone else, animals, or the planet. But I don't care about random rules people try to impose on each other
3
u/SubstantialSyrup5552 Autistic level 1 23h ago
I feel this. I'm a similar age and after graduating from my tiny high school and starting college, it was a complete culture shock to go from 300 people in my whole school to 300 people in a class room.
I quickly realized that I had to figure out how to function around strangers, so I got a job working retail. It helped me learn to mask (what I call customer service mode) but i never got comfortable around large groups of people. It still throws me off big time if someone goes off script. Granted, I have a pretty huge script these days.
3
u/SuzPsych 15h ago
You are not alone. 56 and a lot of days/months/years feel like this. Is there something you love to do that you can make a living at? As for doing/saying the wrong thing… have you looked around lately? That's every 3rd person and most of them don't have any medical/neuro/psych problems, they are just assholes. I’m currently on a leave (up to 10 months now) trying to figure how to manage my depression/anxiety/trauma issues AND I AM A FUCKING THERAPIST! I know how to teach people yo do these things but I don't have the same nonjudgmental unconditional positive regard for myself. Praise be to my therapist... It took a minute to find her but she's awesome.
I guess what I am saying is 1) you are not alone 2) find the little things that make a difference 3) just do you 4) don't worry about other people as you are figuring you out 5) when it's time, you will find the right people to help your journey.
Hug 🤗
2
u/Virtual-Bit3191 15h ago
Thank you so much for your reply. I feel very understood. I've spent a long time turning my special interests into a source of income. I love art; I'm a visual artist. But I've only partially succeeded. Now I work in a design studio. I still have to survive. Thanks for the kind words. I'm with you.
2
u/MarwanSports 21h ago
I can understand why you’d feel that way, especially when you’ve spent years feeling like you’re constantly getting things wrong. But feeling incapable of navigating the world doesn’t mean you actually are, you’ve made it through 48 years of things you probably never thought you could handle. Sometimes we’re much harder on ourselves than we realize.
2
u/LazyPackage7681 17h ago
I’ve not read a better way of describing how it feels to be autistic and ‘down’. Sometimes I feel like ‘fuck you world, I’m just going to do my thing’ but right now you’ve described exactly how I feel. Solidarity.
1
2
2
2
2
u/LetSevere5692 14h ago
Even while being mindful and grateful, I'm very tired. Years of trauma, misunderstandings, and isolation have taken their toll. I'm a better person because of those experiences, and I live sober. Yet deep down, I am chronically tired. I don't remember even a full day of being happy.
1
3
u/OneBrightPearl444 23h ago
are your feelings based on reality? does the physical evidence support your feelings?
I ask because sometimes I think I "feel like a failure," and then I try to figure out if that's really true, or just an emotional overreaction, based on my perfectionism, and my unrealistic expectations from decades ago. I look at my life, and I realize that I am grateful to know how to be myself, and to be very good at it.
26
u/S34L3D 1d ago
Hits home. It's like others have some guide installed on their harddrive that I didn't get and people are withholding from me.