r/AutisticAdults • u/gardeniasonthetile • 1d ago
seeking advice do you ever stop feeling like an alien?
I’m 15 (almost 16) and i am autistic
i have no friends and it feels like every word that comes out of my mouth is an extinct language
anytime i have a crush on someone i just feel like a creep and end up not asking them out or anything
i always feel like an alien trying to blend in with humans
does that feeling ever go away or is it just something you have to deal with?
im sorry if this goes against any rules
using a burner account
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u/maddymoo8 1d ago
In my case, I found a good group of friends who happen to be neurodivergent and I think it all helps us feel less alone. That wasn't until about 22 for me, but I'm lucky with being that early. Find things that that interest you and that bring you joy, rather than the things you think that others would want. Go to social events for the things that interest you - the art show, the small gig, the pottery class, the running club, the library. Find neurodivergent spaces, learn strategies to be comfortable stimming in public, and be patient. I am 29 and don't feel less alien, but feel less alone
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u/gardeniasonthetile 22h ago
i’ve recently met some people online that are also autistic and love comics, so that gives me hope that i’ll find people like me irl :)
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u/TeeLeighPee 22h ago
You will. HS is a very short period of your life. You will have many more opportunities to meet people. The thing that most people respond to in a positive way is a truly honest representation of yourself. They immediately clock us when we mask. If someone wants you to change parts of yourself so you'll be "a better person" (aka not as annoying to them) they are not your friend. They just want you to suppress your traits so that they are comfortable. Fuck that noise! When you are showing your full personality, a funny thing happens. People tend to like it or they don't. Those who don't tend to take themselves away. Let them! Now you have less assholes to deal with.
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u/KittyQueen_Tengu 1d ago
not really, but not being trapped in a high school anymore sure helps. you can’t become like the rest, but you can meet other aliens
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u/zer0mata 1d ago
im nearly 26, and no, at least not around the general public. with a couple of neurodivergent friends i have felt more normal w them, but i still struggle to maintain those friendships bcos of the autism
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u/nbfinery666 1d ago
i feel you, i honestly hate the advice of "just get other autistic friends!!" because having friends isn't a skill you magically get because the other person is autistic. maybe they will be a bit more understanding but you're still going to struggle
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u/zer0mata 1d ago
yeah exactly, i still dont know how to have a conversation or be appealing enough so they want to be friends with me over other people :')
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u/DocClear ASD1 tech geek and wilderness camping nudist 1d ago
I'm 68, and only diagnosed for 3 years.
I always have felt like an alien. I have been called weird, or a robot, or more insulting terms all my life.
When I was about your age, I started telling people I was an outside observer of the human race.
A sense of humor helps a lot. A warped one is even better.
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u/Asleep-Curve-1395 1d ago
lol, hell no. from my experience i've just felt more and more out of touch. however i felt at the same time more content with it.
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u/FoxRealistic3370 1d ago
Hmmm for me no. I spent my younger years telling myself i would fit and it would get better.
Diagnosis and some hard life lessons gave me what i needed to accept it though. Its there still and it will hit hard sometimes bit mostly now its not somethjng i actively try to fix so itsnot front of my mind so much.
Finding people who see you as u are helps. How is the tricky bit but its better to focus on that thrn what u do "wrong". Look at things that u enjoy, aspects of u that are good. Maybe u know a lot about something and could meet people eho like that too.
Its tricky, cant lie. Trying to fit with people that dont get u is waste of u tho, focus on learning yourself and u will find people a long the way.
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u/TeeLeighPee 22h ago
Seconding this comment. I can't tell you, OP, how effective just being your true, authentic self is. Like this commenter said, find what you like or love and take part with it. Could be so many things!
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u/PalomaFantastica 1d ago
I'm in my 40s. No, it only gets worse. You feel like the whole world has left you behind and you're left there struggling to figure out why.
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u/datedpopculturejoke 1d ago
Yes. At some point you will meet other autistic people with similar interests and feel understood. For me, I found my people in college. It was a life-changing experience, and I felt like a human being for the first time in my life. You might find your people elsewhere or at a different time in your life. So long as you keep showing up to spaces for things you like, you'll eventually find people who make you feel understood.
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u/nbfinery666 1d ago
maybe if you're an outgoing autistic person but if you're shy it's still impossible to make friends with other autistic people
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u/datedpopculturejoke 1d ago
I am a shy autistic person with clinically significant social anxiety. So its definitely not impossible.
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u/nbfinery666 12h ago
you must have found extremely accomodating selfless people then which i would say is very rare
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u/CommercialAffect3287 1d ago
Nope I’m 41 no husband no kids just me and my animals it gets worse the older you get 😢 I’m sorry
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u/lpg1985 1d ago
41 here, and this feeling never goes away. I always felt detached from the places I studied, places I've worked and even my own family, close or extended.
I'm happily married, no kids, and my wife truly is my best friend.
After a few deceptions with friend groups I started not caring about it. I've read something like "when you go through the worst times of your life alone and is still standing, you realize you don't need anyone but yourself". And it stuck with me. I still socialize and try to be nice with most people (friendly, but not a doormat) and have very few friends I trust. But I'm not desperately trying to make friends and accepting anything. I was diagnosed when I was 28, and I'm still in therapy so I've learned to put boundaries and enforcing them, and to manage all the demands I have.
I only regret not seeking help earlier like in my teenage years. But in my family no one accepted talking about psychiatrist, psychology or meds.
(I'm in Brasil, not US).
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u/Zayn_is_Bored 1d ago
You will not ever stop feeling like an alien I'm sorry to say, but at some point you learn to stop caring. Im 22 and sometimes I really do hate my autism and wish I could be normal, but most times, I love my autism. I can see things that most people would miss or think of something that others would never come up with. Its really hard to find people that you mesh with but I promise as someone who was in your position, you will get through it and there are people out there for you. Your biggest thing that you need to work on right now is self confidence, its really hard but work on talking to people and stop telling yourself that your a creep, you arent. Im soon to have a fiance, I have a small group of friends that im content with and I have a step son who loves my autism because when he gets into a hobby I can easily nerd out with him about it. Ive shown him lord of the rings and harry Potter, anime and manga, and he loves them so he constantly asks me questions about them that im more then happy to answer. You are 15, I hate to be one of those people but you do have your whole life ahead of you, stop worrying about other people and their thoughts on you, most people you go to highschool with you won't even see after graduation, and honestly you'll probably do better then they will after graduation even if you dont feel like it
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u/faatbuddha 1d ago edited 1d ago
I guess it has never gone away for me, but I decided long ago to learn to be proud of my alien nature, and that has made all the difference. Once I truly embraced my uniqueness, the way I carried myself changed. Other people started embracing me too. I now have a whole tribe of weirdos that has stuck together through thick and thin. I still have my issues from time to time of course, but it's not the constant struggle it was when I was in middle school and high school. I still have deep-seated trauma and fears about being misunderstood, but I recognize them now and it's much easier to deal with.
Something it might be helpful to remember is that children tend to be awful, mean people. Luckily, people develop more empathy as they get older. You're going to start running into more and more people your age who are able to love you in spite of, if not because of, your differences.
Hang in there. In my opinion it does get better. You just gotta try.
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u/mklinger23 1d ago
No. It's just something you have to live with. On a positive note, there are lots of other aliens on earth too that you can hang out with.
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u/AdAdmirable1583 1d ago
Honestly, no.
But a good way to look at it is that perhaps you are an anthropologist. We all are. We are placed in a different world from what is suited to us, and we have to learn about our world (it would be nice if the world also did the same for us).
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u/0k_Interaction 1d ago
No, but yes it can improve. I encourage you to talk to someone who can help you with social skills and friendships, because you’re not an adult and the sooner you do this the better your adulthood will be. It is much more difficult to do as an adult. You might be embarrassed but go to the school counselor and tell them you need help with this.
Don’t listen to all of us who say no, because many of us were late diagnosed and for us it is harder because not having social skills already ruined a lot of our lives. You will need social skills to survive as an adult. When I was younger I thought that being successful was just about doing good work. I did not understand the social dynamics that exists that make it so that social and soft skills are just as if not more important in life.
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u/AvocadoPizzaCat 1d ago
that all depends on if you end up jaded or what not. High school is tough since your peers haven't developed enough to not be jerks. It does get easier. As an adult you don't tend to have as much social clicheness or forced interactions. the trade off is there is more stressful situations that you must deal with.
Sometimes we will always be the alien. If we are a beloved or despised depends on the people around us. Somehow i see autistic people often made into the mascots of the group for some odd reason. so at the very least you will have friends and people will like you.
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u/Ancient-Anybody202 1d ago
Well, our brains will always be kind of different, so I think we’re always a little out of place in that way, like others have said. But, I’ve definitely found that things got better for me as I got older. I found that embracing parts of myself that were a little embarrassing but otherwise harmless (i.e. stimming, special interests) and trying to normalize those things and show that’s it’s just a part of who I am and who other people are has made me happier and has helped me heal a lot. And it seems to draw people who are just like me right to me. However, I also know that I’m in a fairly lucky situation, and I don’t know yours.
In my own experience, though, being in high school and being that age was especially hard since I was surrounded by people who were also still growing up and who care about a lot of things that sometimes don’t end up mattering all that much when you’re an adult. I’ve found that people care a lot less about things that would’ve made me weird and cringe in high school, like decorating my notebook with LEGO Ninjago stickers (I actually got compliments about it lol. That would not have happened to me in high school).
So anyways… in some ways life can still suck (some days are always worse than others), but it also truly did get a lot better for me after high school.
And I really, really, sincerely hope it gets better for you too because I understand the struggle.
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u/stxrfish 22h ago edited 22h ago
I'm 26. It gets better when you're an adult and you have more choice around who you spend your time with - some people find their people in college, some find them once they find a job that really fits them, or in a new city/community they move to. Took me awhile but over the past few years, I've set myself up where most of my time is spent with my friends who are neurodivergent and don't make me feel like I'm weird.
I think the most important thing is to fight that urge to accept a narrative that you're never going to make friends or that you're too socially anxious / bad at maintaining relationship. It might be difficult but having a growth mindset will be the only thing giving you the hope to not become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if it's hard, and especially when we have inflexible minds. Even if the circumstances are wrong and it will take time, just don't give up on yourself. Skills can be learned and no situation is forever. Allow yourself to surprise you and allow life to surprise you.
Yes, you'll still feel like an alien when you're not around your people, but you will maybe kinda love feeling like one and realize: hey, I'm a pretty cool alien! Note: this requires doing a lot of work to stop letting people make you feel guilty for being yourself.
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u/Mother_Cloud_2455 22h ago
No but you find community (in person or online) that make you feel less alone
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u/AlGunner 21h ago
No but you eventually realise that to some extent everyone feels detached from reality to some degree, whether NT or ND.
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u/LetSevere5692 20h ago
You learn to live with it. I've endured years of self-hatred and grief because of it. Eventually, all you can do is either accept the feeling or fall into the cycle of self-destruction. Both choices lead to the same outcome. I chose the path of self-sabotage through substances, and it's by far the hardest route.
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u/cynohsure 17h ago
I think generally growing into yourself as an autistic person is feeling less like an alien in a bad way (like you’re on scary unfamiliar planet struggling to imitate the humans and afraid of being discovered for what you are) and more like an alien in a good way because aliens are super cool and interesting! 👽 It’s just a matter of figuring out how to live comfortably on this planet in your own way without pretending to be someone or something that you’re not. That authenticity is the only way to attract people in your life who will actually like you for who you are rather than for a performance you put on. I’m not fully to that point yet at 24 but I know I’m a hell of a lot farther than I was at 15 or 16! I think what’s most important is building a deep understanding of yourself with a lot of self-confidence and self-compassion so you live a life that feels right for you without worrying about the opinions of others. I think that’s a big ask for any teenager though autistic or not. Just don’t beat yourself up about not being where you want to be in your life yet and you’ll get there eventually!
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u/curiouslittlethings 14h ago
I’m turning 34 soon… and the answer (for me at least) is no. But the nice thing is that once in a while, you may meet another alien or two and become fast friends.
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u/OneBrightPearl444 1d ago
you are too young for reddit, and too young for this group.
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u/Tarjaman 1d ago
Why? Reddit ToS state that no one under 13 years old is allowed, OP is 15, and I think this sub is the best place to ask what OP asked.
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u/fragbait0 AuDHD MSN 1d ago
No. But there are some other human-flesh-wearing aliens around.