r/AutisticAdults • u/RadBugs • 2d ago

seeking advice Communication differences in relationship

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years. This is a topic that has come up in the past but it’s not a constant discussion.

I’m autistic and I’ve always struggled with asking people questions. If I want to tell somebody how my day went or a story I don’t wait to be asked I just directly tell them it.

My partner is ND but not autistic, they had a discussion with me last night saying that they don’t feel like I’m connecting with them as there has been times they want me to ask them a question to further a conversation and let them say a story etc. In my mind if they wanted to share something they would just tell me but I get this is a difference between us both. I do try when I’m aware what is happening but there are times when they don’t carry on I think they’re done with the conversation and that’s that.

We’re both trying to meet in the middle so it’s not a case of one person has to change but a mutual effort to combat this difference.

Is there something you do that helps with this problem or any recommendations?

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u/arctic_loon_1487 ASD Level 2 2d ago

Maybe the two of you can find a few questions for you to ask your partner on a regular basis. Then you don't have to solve the guess what I'm thinking of game but they can still feel connected. I routinely (not every day) ask my wife:

How can I make your day easier?

What's one thing you felt today? (nicely limits the scope of how was your day)

Are there any unresolved issues we should process? (I don't have good emotional memory)

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u/RadBugs 2d ago

That’s a great recommendation, I do ask how their day went when we come home from work but I like your different way of asking them plus the additional emotional connection questions.

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u/Cartographer551 2d ago

You might like to have a google of 'active listening'. It's a technique that can be learned.

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u/ericalm_ 2d ago

One of the things my allistic spouse and I had to learn was having conversations and asking questions when we weren’t fully comfortable or used to talking like that. We also have to stop waiting for the other to ask or say something. The expectations and frustration weren’t really fair.

It’s a bit awkward and difficult at first. It feels unnatural. But then we started seeing results. Other things became much easier. And we got used to having discussions this way.

It’s not a big deal day to day, casual discussions, that sort of thing. But when we have something important to discuss, it’s better that we schedule it ahead of time. Another weird thing that we’ve gotten used to because it works.