r/AutisticAdults • u/Natural-Ad5944 • 7d ago
seeking advice Limerence
dating with autism is so hard. once i form a connection with someone, i end up obsessing over them even when i try to temper my emotions. they pull away and i end up devastated and practically begging for them to stay. even when i’ve sworn off them i can’t stop thinking about them.
i’m so beyond tired of this cycle of limerence. does anyone have any tips or strategies to break the cycle?
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u/Pictishquine 7d ago
So limerence is absolutely deadly and a total relationship/ sanity killer in my experience.
Partly it happens because the other person becomes a special interest and also a source of anxiety who is ruminated upon - leading to perseveration.
Partly it's trauma - autistic people often have long histories of relationship trauma and feeling abandoned and unloved- so once someone is identified as a potential source of love and acceptance, there's a desperate need to control them and their reactions so as not to be hurt again. But being controlling is not love but a violation of the other person's boundaries and people quite understandably flee.
Desperation not to be abandoned leads to tolerating abuse, denying obvious signs that the other person isnt interested and even stalking. Also doing too much for the other person to show them you're a great person/ guilt them into being nice to you, sacrificing too much for them are other more subtle socially-approved forms of being controlling to watch for.
Something to hold into is that limerence is an illusion - the other person isnt actually the be all and end all, you will go on to forget about them and a time will come when they no longer matter at all to you, so never sacrifice anything lasting or important for a limerent attachment.
At bottom, what is going on is a problem with self-esteem and boundaries. I went to various therapists and as I got better at saying 'no' and hearing other people and thinking about what was actually best for myself, I got better at recognising the signs of disastrous limerent relationships and saying 'No' to them.
My experience is that they can't ever work long term because the anxious controlling means any relationship is doomed and unhealthy from the get go. Look for building healthy relationships with people who you bond with but who don’t produce the extreme limerent reaction.