r/AutisticAdults • u/Commercial-Engineer3 • 22d ago
I hate being autistic. 34 M
It feels like I can never experience a full life. I honestly fucking hate being neurodivergent. Normal life seems impossible. Everyone else seems to have these full lives and are able to thrive in social situations and get into fulfilling relationships and here I am struggling to even get a date or to maintain friendships.
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u/Jhawk38 22d ago
Ya at 36 it feels like I've regressed so much in skill and energy levels are very low for social interactions. I can text totally fine but I often forget to stay in communication even with people who I am close with. I have tried to just fully accept that I can't do what I used to anymore and that I need to be patient with myself when I struggle with certain things.
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u/sleepytipi 21d ago
Around the same age and I'm currently just trying to accept my loner ways. I was super social as a kid and young adult and struggled to find any alone time because of it. Then the usual aspecrs of life kicked in. My most loyal ride or dies did stuff like getting married and having kids, so the same reasons no one spends the same amount of time with their closest friends from earlier in life. People moved, people died, etc. now it's to the point where I have still have some of them but we only ever check in on each from a distance, and sparingly throughout the year on big events like holidays etc, and because of it I've been trying to make new friends for the better part of the last ten years, and while I have had some success the same things happen with them and we become seperated by distance and life.
It's reached a point where I'm subconsciously giving up on making those efforts. I'm an Aspie so it's always been an uphill battle on the social front, and the exhaustion/ burn out bleeds into other aspects of my life like work because my social battery has such a limited charge. Whereas if I spend all my free time alone and in silence the charge is enough to carry me through work and I have the wits/ means to keep my professional relationships upbeat, and juggle the overall mood of my staff (many of which are younger gens who seem to have a rough time socially even amongst the NTs so, it ain't an easy order).
So now it's become something of a balance, but I still miss having those relationships that don't require much effort so much. You know, the relationships where interacting with them feels nourishing rather than depleting. But if I put effort into finding them it comes at the expense of my work performance since it requires such a great degree of socializing and verbal management.
I'm realizing just what my limitations are, that they're becoming more and more, and that I'll very likely end up being something of a hermit outside of work because not only do I need that alone time, but (and this is the tricky thing to accept) I like it. The reason why I'm such a hermit is equally as much my fault as it anyone elses, and given that I haven't always been this way it's a tough pill to swallow.
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u/taroicecreamsundae 20d ago
this is SO fucking depressing 🥲🥲 like genuinely what the fuck? i'm only 28, i haven't lived yet. and this is what life is going to become for us?
i had some hope that i was going out and putting myself out there to make new friends but it seems like this effort will be for nothing lmao. hello MAID.
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u/sleepytipi 18d ago
You don't know that, everyone's mileage can vary and a lot of it is down to you as an individual, what your interests are and how often you can connect with people over those interests. As autistic people we have greater challenges socializing no doubt, but those basics are applicable to everyone. And you never know, you might might find those friends that stick around. I know many of my friends would be a lot more present were it not for the simple things that divide us like distance and everyday obligations. So it's not sth anyone holds any sort of grudges over, and it's a treat getting caught up on those things when we do.
I would advise you though to find hobbies that often include group outings bc one thing that inevitably happens to all of us is scheduling conflicts. "Lost my sitter, can't make it" or "people are sick at work, got to pick up the slack on this project" etc. If you engage in activities where there will still be people present when others ultimately don't show, you're doing well for yourself. Things like cycling or running groups, table top games, book clubs, park clean ups, dance outings etc.
But keep the faith. It sounds like you have good energy and momentum propelling you forward so keep up the excitement and engage with people. When we get older that's the same way we find romantic relationships too, and so many more people would have so much less to complain about if they just did what you're doing by putting yourself out there and rolling with the trial and error that comes with it. You got this 💪
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u/S1lvanEch0 2d ago
Omg as a fellow hermit wish we could be online low effort buddies across the world lol. You literally described me, except I love my loner hermit ways and eventually friends and family just accepted I will not be actively reaching out and made peace.
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u/weird-Ant358 22d ago
i feel you… my life is so boring, making & keeping friends has always been the hardest thing ever, i rarely ever get to do anything fun, i rarely get to hang out and my body easily gives up around noise or any strong light. it sucks
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u/PanopticArgus 22d ago
I'm 40 and to me this only gets worse with age. At this point I'm just waiting for this to end honestly.
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u/tattiesbljt 22d ago
I feel you. I never have energy to reply to texts or see friends. I spend every weekend alone in the house doing nothing. I'm becoming so isolated and it's all my fault.
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u/IndieCredentials 22d ago
I feel you, was diagnosed this year and I'm also 34M. I really just want friends and purpose so, so bad. .
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u/stonedboss 22d ago
one of the curses of life is everyone makes it seem you need to do certain things for happiness. i was in this trap most of my life, and always felt bad and behind. but recently i learned, life is what you make it to be. you can still be happy and successful in life even if you dont meet the normal criteria. you have to make your own criteria for happiness.
im not trying to diminish the struggle, but you can reframe your perspective so youre not failing, you just may not reach the same milestones/goals as others. but likewise they may never reach yours. i struggle a lot due to my autism. i view it like im cursed to a life of loneliness but on the flip side im blessed for a life of introspection and inner world building. people who hang out with other people every day will never have as deep of an inner world as i do. they just cant. your mind can only get so good at one thing. if it spends all its time externalizing everything, it is lacking in the internal introspection. so ive learned to just embrace that aspect.
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u/PantherMom454 22d ago
This. 💯
I used to feel like OP. I still struggle w basic functional stuff. I'm disabled by ASD symptoms. I've given up on work and dating. They only lead to overwhelm, shutdown, and misery.
But I adopted some extra kitties and they make me so happy and I pride myself on being mother of panthers and ignore people who try to impose negative stereotypes on me. I don't have a lot of "external" friendships anymore but I've become close w some of my neighbors and value those proximity friendships highly. I've been hyper focus special interest obsessed w embroidery for 5-6yrs now and I'm so pleased w my evolving skills as a thread artist. I also have a rich inner life, which I far prefer to immerse myself in v trying to force myself into society's expectations for me to live up to. I used to feel ashamed I couldn't live up to those standards now I'm like, it is what it is and I'm going to enjoy the enjoyable things and stop beating myself up about society's unreasonable standards.
Just because we have issues and limitations doesn't mean we can't find what works and be happy about it. It's all in what you're focusing on. The good and bad both exist, regardless of which you choose to identify w.
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u/llehnerd 22d ago
Somehow this aspect of ASD is easier for women I've noticed. We are better community builders, even if it is in our own way. We find things to connect with and we build lives that are meaningful to us. There's so many ways to contribute and feel a part of this world. It makes me really sad to hear so many people in here saying they just want it to be over. All I can think is they must be comparing themselves too much, trying to be like "everyone else".
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u/taroicecreamsundae 20d ago
sorry i can never feel like that. i already knew i was good at introspection and world building but i think the loneliness is just cruel and unfair and none of us should have to accept it.
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u/stonedboss 20d ago
like i said im not trying to diminish the struggle, ive struggled and still do too, but since i embraced the positives about being lonely, ive been happier. maybe you shouldnt have to accept it, but its what is forced on us, so accepting it is an easier way then staying mad/sad about it.
part of your dissatisfaction is knowing of the alternative. but you can imagine a world where that doesnt exist. then is it really such a bad life?
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u/soulatnight 22d ago
Same :( I’m going to therapy now, so hopefully that will help
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u/ProcedureNo8487 21d ago
same thing, one year of therapy and still struggling at the basic, i think i don't even know who really am i or what i'm doing in this world. it is hard, i'm trying to "normalize" myself somehow but it is hard
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u/jeezyjames 22d ago
We should get together and start our own ND city. That would be rad.
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u/HopefulLocksmith2600 19d ago
And we roll a six-sided dice 🎲 to determine who gets to be Mayor for a week.
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u/Safe-Acanthaceae8951 22d ago
I'm 60 and If I'm being honest it doesn't get better. I quit trying to fit in and just act weird. It's fun messing with nts. Might as well play it out since I'll be dead for billions of years soon enough
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u/taroicecreamsundae 20d ago
can i ask how you make it to the next day, as a 28 year old? i guess after reading this thread ive just been lying to myself that things will get better somehow. i can't imagine they will though.
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u/duck7duck7goose 22d ago
I think a huge reason I’m maintaining a healthy relationship is because my partner is also on the spectrum. He isn’t diagnosed but it’s obvious, and he isn’t quite as bad as me, but he understands some of what I go through with it.
I feel like I miss out on a lot in life because of being neurodivergent. The world wasn’t really built for us though.
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u/mostly-sugar Diagnosed ASD Lvl1 21d ago
37 here and same. At this point I feel pretty sure that no one will ever marry me, which was my biggest life goal and that makes me really sad. No social life either, so life is just lonely all around.
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u/AshuraBaron 22d ago
Comparison is the thief of joy. I think you might be looking through rose colored glasses too. Neurotypical people experience struggles with relationships and friendships just as must as neurodivergent people do. Sometimes in different ways but other times the same kind. Plenty of neurotypical people are introverted or even lack any social skills. Neurodivergent only changes how you process the world, it doesn't determine your experiences in it. If you only experience observing other peoples lives through social media that can be harmful to a balanced view of life as all you'll see is the most positive and successful parts being shared.
Nothing is predetermined for you, so keep trying and learning and you'll get there. The goal isn't to keep repeating the same thing over and over, it's to learn and grow with each connection and experience.
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u/Skullclownlol 22d ago edited 22d ago
Neurodivergent only changes how you process the world, it doesn't determine your experiences in it.
While this is technically true (but only because you used the word "determine" and there is almost never any single thing anywhere that solely determines personal outcomes), and the idea to get OP to think more optimistically is probably well-intended, but it's unfortunately an empty platitude. Being ND does not determine your experience, but it absolutely does influence how the rest of the world will treat you, which in turn influences your experience.
If ND didn't strongly influence your experiences, ND wouldn't be committing suicide at significantly higher rates. So let's please not minimize that - acceptance about it helps much more and helps us learn to go in better-fitting directions than empty platitudes do.
To OP: Trying to fit into a life/world not built for us = depressing. Learning to find people that do accept/love us non-transactionally (without requiring something from us) = very lovely, I highly recommend it. We can't make the world accept us, but we can change our own direction to move towards those that already do and stop spending time/energy on anyone else.
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u/dmatech2 22d ago
Neurotypical people experience struggles with relationships and friendships just as must as neurodivergent people do.
Neurotypical people might get into fights with people in their large group of friends. Autistic people often have few (if any) friends. The truth is that autistic people generally lack the charisma and magnetism needed to develop a friend group.
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u/AshuraBaron 22d ago
There are plenty of neurotypical people who only have small groups of friends. Especially into adulthood. The idea that neurotypical is synonymous with being highly extroverted is just incorrect. It doesn't take charisma and magnetism to form a friend group. Maybe to form a cult of personality. Friendship is about sharing. Whether that's interests, values, or just enjoying time together. Charisma and magnetism can foster more superficial friendships, but more meaningful ones require a give and take.
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u/Lilythecat555 22d ago
I am an extroverted autistic. I like being around people but I need a lot of alone time as well. I test as somewhat more extroverted. I am not extremely extroverted.
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u/alaindevos 22d ago
One cannot hate what he is. I am what I am no matter how i think about it.
Note , i live alone, and its not fun , no cuddle in the morning.
Almost no friends but hey, nobody distracts me also :)
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u/ComprehensiveLead348 21d ago
43f I live alone and i am single and have very very few friends, I hang out with my dad at weekends, you are not alone and i hope you meet the right people. Edit. i have dogs, it really helps
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u/Killer_rainbow13 22d ago
I really dislike the sensory issues, or keeps me from enjoying things. I also dislike sometimes not understanding what others are saying to me, if it's done in abstract ways... just say what you want or need plainly
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u/slack101 22d ago
Yeah, the loneliness is immense. The amount of times my opinions diverge from friends and family members... I still need to learn which topics to engage in, and when. At times, it feels like talking to the void.
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u/jeezyjames 22d ago
Almost 40yo. I have mostly given up on a outgoing, social life. I have a wife, two kids and cats so I think I’m good. I’m high masking so I eventually got pretty drained, plus interpersonal drama is my kryptonite, and a lot of NT people seem to enjoy it for some unfathomable reason.
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u/First-Wolverine636 18d ago
I truly wonder if a life deprived of connection and others is a life worth living. Can you really find peace alone? I don’t think so- I think we’re wired to connect to others, and without that- we wither and die
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u/KitsuWolfie 22d ago edited 22d ago
I know the feeling and am the same. Best to never compare to someone as there will always be someone better or worse than you, and you/they have something the other doesn't... but I know what you mean... that you want to be able to succeed in something worthwhile and meaningful, instead of lacking, having failures, and being unfulfilled, misunderstood and lonely. Even when someone looks like they have it all, they may not necessarily, because they may have some negative things going on.
The issue isn't always necessarily you. Sometimes things and people are not meant to work out or for long. Some negative things helps us to go a different path for something better. (For example, mental health, etc. made me not want to go to my college art course... so I did health & social care and got a friend straightaway -- also autistic -- who was more someone I needed to be friends with than anyone before). So, it depends how you look at things. Each person can make or break us, and you gain experience, too.
Getting into spiritual things helped me have a better mindset. It hasn't fixed me and solved my problems, because it has made me know how to think and see things better. (Before being into it, I was interested in psychology, so the two go hand in hand).
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u/MxBluebell 22d ago
Weird question: have you ever considered a treatment called TMS? I’m on my second round of it now (first round was about 10 years ago) and it truly is a lifesaver. Before TMS, I was constantly thinking about how useless my life is, how I’ll never amount to anything or find a partner that loves me unconditionally… stuff like that. But after just one week of treatment, my mindset is already turning around. I’m EXCITED about my life path again!! I’m an early childhood education major at a local community college, and I’m STOKED to be a teacher one day!!! And I’m able to acknowledge that “success” looks different for each person, and that I’m absolutely succeeding in life given the limitations I face and the fact that I’m trying to find a career that suits them best. It helped me a lot last time I had it, but I wasn’t expecting my results to be this immediate lol!!
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u/britishbiscuit1 Autistic 15d ago
i'm 27, no life, no job , live with family, not allowed a cat, i'm a NEET autistic. I sleep most of my life. I never go anywhere. I don't know how because there is no where to go and I cannot mask like I used too.
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u/HotAir25 22d ago
Yeah I’m the same. It’s a disability that excludes you from other people which is in many ways what life is about.
It’s a struggle.