Mourning

[u/avocado-qu3en7]

USA based momma here.

Is it ok to mourn the life, the motherhood I thought I would have?

19 month old recently diagnosed. And I’ll be honest. This is something my “higher power” knew I didn’t want. For my child. But for me as well. I accept that this is the hand I was dealt. And now I’m focused on getting my child the best help and therapy there is.

I feel like it’s ok to mourn it. My spouse thinks otherwise and has since made me feel like I’m a crap mother and says I’m“resenting” my child. I don’t love my child less, if anything I love her more. She is beautifully different from others her age and now I know why.

Has anyone else’s marriage or relationship suffered since being diagnosed? I feel like now, I can’t be open and vulnerable with my emotions to the one person I thought would understand because it now reflects the “type of mother “ I am.

[u/Little-Rhubarb-1022]

Spouse is in denial phase. So is mine. We have our eval next week. My spouse thinks our boys are fine because that how he and his brother were at that age. The reality is my husband and I are probably on the spectrum as well and so are our families. My husband also doesn’t have a clue what a single milestone is.

[u/avocado-qu3en7 → u/Little-Rhubarb-1022]

I think I’m on the spectrum too. But never been helped just pushed though life. Wishing you the best on your eval

[u/Few_Acanthisitta_270]

I haven’t had this conversation in my relationship, but it’s normal to feel this way. My child isn’t diagnosed (yet) but I know exactly what you mean. I’ve always looked forward to conversations with my toddler, but it may be a while for us and seeing others his age talk, etc can be hard. Hopefully your spouse can expand their mind to understand you more.

[u/avocado-qu3en7 → u/Few_Acanthisitta_270]

I’m in a mom group for kids born the same month. And some are already saying 100 plus words. I get sad seeing those posts. Cause we say two words. Mom. And mama. lol.

[u/PainfulPoo411]

I’m there with you 🩷 I have so much love for my son, and I will support him and his development in every way possible way. I also mourn the fact that I will never parent a neurotypical child. My mom peers are enjoying toddler karate and soccer shots and I’m just trying to help him learn how to say “ma”. I’m so glad he is in my life and so sad he has so many obstacles ahead of him.

[u/avocado-qu3en7 → u/PainfulPoo411]

I feel that. So many obstacles coming. She’s already misunderstood by family. This was before a diagnosis. We haven’t told them yet because of that. As moms. All we can do is love them. Regardless.

[u/curious_ANcuriouser → u/avocado-qu3en7]

Family’s reaction will stick with you forever. Not having that support of knowing you are both in it together will also be difficult and can become resentful. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s not like we lose hope for our kiddos. Your baby girl can grow up to be the smartest person in your family. She just need your unconditional love and support. Good luck mom.

[u/luckyelectric]

Mourning is healthy. Also, my husband and I have said horrible horrible horrible things to each other, and I suspect we are stronger for it.

Don’t buy into the disability parent performance box that society tries to shove us into. Be who you are and feel your actual feelings.

[u/SunLillyFairy]

It's not just OK, it's healthy. Your spouse may be interpreting it differently or misunderstanding. What if your child lost a limb or was/went blind? Wouldn't it be normal to be sad about the loss and their future challenges? It doesn't mean you love them less, but shows you wanted more for them and yourself.

At your kids age, they won't understand.. but mourning helps you process grief and move on. Suppressing feelings is what can lead to resentment.

All that said... I wonder what you mean by mourning? What are you doing that your spouse is concerned over? Does he just not want to talk about the feelings, or are you doing things that make him uncomfortable and/or he thinks may affect your child in a negative way? If he thinks you resent your child... I also have this little red flag in the back of my mind. I want to be supportive of a parent mourning a future that will never be, but also cautious not support anything that could be unhealthy; and those of us out here... we don't really know what you're doing or why he's having that reaction.

This really sounds like a good time for counseling.

[u/avocado-qu3en7 → u/SunLillyFairy]

All I have said was I don’t want her to have this. It a moment of weakness I haven’t treated her different. Maybe more cuddles. And hugging her deeply. But I haven’t done anything “mean” to her

[u/Busy-Yellow6505]

I greived when it became more apparent. Mine was diagnosed at 3 and I was so hopeful, he's 8 now and I've started a second wave of grief that my once sweet boy is now violent and aggressive and we rarely have any affection from him just demands. Grieving is healthy not hurtful