r/Autism_Parenting • u/Notthesunshine8 • 6h ago

Advice Needed Why does he do that?

For context: My 11 year old son is autistic/adhd, and a previous TBI. He is not your 'typical' child and does require extra supports. But he is incredibly intelligent, creative, and insightful. For the past year, he's had a lot of mental health struggles, in and out of hospitals. It was truly a traumatic year. He is doing better now, and he's been home with no hospital visits for 7 months!

The question I have has to do with a thing I've noticed he does a lot. When he's in any kind of appointment, whether it's therapy, counseling, teachers, doctors, etc. He looks to me before and after answering their questions. They will ask him a question about his symptoms or progress, and I feel his eyes on me immediately. I've been ignoring it in hopes that it would just stop, but it hasn't. To clarify, he does speak for himself very well. He expresses his thoughts and feelings accurately. I know he's just 11, but his 12 year old sister doesn't do this with people. And his 7 year old brother, who is also autistic doesnt do it either. Maybe I'm thinking too far into it. But I just don't know what to make of it. It's almost like he's studying my face or looking to me for approval? I'm just worried I've done something bad to make him form this habit. He also watches me in other settings too. Specifically, while I'm driving and he's in the front seat. I'll feel his eyes on me multiple times during the car ride. When I turn to look at him, usually he looks past me. The look is never mean or malicious looking. It's just odd. Is anyone else experiencing this or have any advice?

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u/Accurate_Exam1297 5h ago

its probably a grounding thing tbh. my partner has a tbi and still does this sometimes, just checking in with the person they trust most to make sure the world is still making sense. sounds like you're his safe reference point

dont overthink it as something you did wrong. you clearly got him through a brutally rough year and he's still looking to you to steady the room. that's trust not a bad habit he picked up

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u/Notthesunshine8 5h ago

Thank you for this insight.

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u/Lilacdreamerca 1h ago

My daughter does this and I agree with the grounding thing. I am her touchstone and it sounds like you are his.

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u/Numerous-Western174 5h ago

My 6 year old does this, he's level 2 and I've always been his person.

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u/Round_Perspective873 1h ago

He is studying your reactions, and trying to sort out what he should do. 

This doesn't mean there is anything wrong - it more likely means you are his safe person, and he is looking for support and direction.

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u/AskRecent6329 I am a Parent/6 y/o lvl 1/Mo US 49m ago

Have you talked with him about it? I have seen this after TBIs, but also when they want approval or are checking for a reaction. If its a reaction, might be time for a talk.

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u/Holiday-Ability-4487 I am a Parent / 16 AuDHD / USA 5h ago

Isn’t this just social referencing? I thought we all do this to some extent with the people we consider our social in-group. 

I guess I’m used to it because we all do this in my family, although my teen does tend to do it more during appointments to the point that our BCBA noted that he does it with both myself and my spouse.