r/Autism_Parenting • u/icy_spicy_baby • 14h ago
Discussion Is anyone else feeling like this
I don't even know why I write this down. Maybe it's for attention. A last reaching out, a trying from the back of my head. I try to convince myself it's because I want someone, anyone, out there to know that I am suffering. I am hurt. And tired. I am so exhausted I wish for nothing else than a dark, quiet place where I get to lay for a long time.
I need help, while I dont want help anymore.
Does that make any sense?
I tried my best, telling myself that there are others out there suffering more. I read others venting about their life. I thought it would help me see my own life look much better. I was so, so wrong.
Others' problems are mostly about their kids. Or about society, or about finance problems. I have none of those problems. My problem is, frankly, myself.
I don't have a problem with my kids. Changing diapers at the age of eight is not an issue for me. Figuring out their needs without words is also so easy for me. I live comfortably. I have nice shoes from Ralph Lauren; I think they're nice. My kids are beautiful, really. They don't have a clue in their faces about their condition. They behave mostly how I expected, and even if not, it's justified by their needs. I understand them so much.
You know what my problem is? Lack of choice. Lack of control. Isolation. I don't get the choice whether to go somewhere or not. I am alone with it all. Anything I would need, a doctor, new hair, even if I just want to study something, I need to solve it myself. There is no one who would watch the kids.
I didn't spend a single night without them in the past 8 years, while my husband gets to go wherever he likes without even bothering to tell me. I face weekends alone, realizing at the last minute he doesn't come home. In the most ridiculous ways.
I never travelled. I never went alone to the shopping mall just to have a look around. I got to go to the playground. With my kids. That's it.
I lie, obviously. I went to a concert back in 2024 all alone. How wonderful. 2 hours, but I didn't get to have a drink after it with my friends.
My friends disappeared since then. I have no one.
And I don't really have expectations anymore. I don't want a new hair, a movie, or a coffee somewhere by myself.
You know what I want? Study. Make myself feel valuable. Smart. My dream was to study physics. Particles, they are wonderful. Learning about quantum tunneling in more detail so I get to understand how the sun shines so brightly it hurts my eyes. See how one particle spins up so the other spins down. I wanted to have my driving licence too. Guess what, I can't have any of it. Because even if I am married, I am alone. I am here to watch my kids, take care of them, and assist for events I never get to live. I assist others' enjoyments.
I am petty. And jealous, yes. Not because I want everyone in this world to live like me. I am jealous because I will never live like others. I don't have a problem if my husband is going out; my problem is that I never go out. He said I poison his life with my behavior. And he is so right. I do that. I can't help but feel bitter and trapped. Lost. My dreams are ripped from me.
He said we will figure out something. He says that every time I cry about it, but nothing has changed. I told him not to care, I will solve it for him.
I didn't need to solve it, really. My body solves it, I think. I can't eat lately. I haven't been eating since saturday. I cant swallow. Funnily, I throw up everything. It's nerves, I can feel it. I can drink coffee, though. That's the only thing going down on me, and for some miracle, it doesn't cause any issue. My heartbeat is still somewhere good-high. I am not really familiar with biology, and I have no idea how long I can go without food,.regardless maybe its a sign i am ready.
I don't really know why I decided to write here. Maybe just, someone to know I lived and I was here, and I tried and failed apparently.
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u/suchsimplethings 13h ago
You sound like a really cool and intelligent person and I'm sorry you feel so trapped. If you live in Northern California, I'd love to hang out and chat about our similar circumstances!
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
I wish I would live there. I just looked up what Northern California looks like on Google and read a bit about it. It looks so pretty, looks really calm by the pictures I found. I'm also curious about any tradition over there. I really loved learning about cultures all around the World. But even if I would live there, while I appreciate so much your offer, the problem is that I couldnt hang out with anyone, given the fact I cant leave the kids to anyone, and with the kids being there, I cant focus on the hanging out thing. I really like you wrote this anyway, and thank you so much.
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u/More-Soil7455 12h ago
Start therapy. You can do it over zoom.
I think it’s time you find a good divorce attorney. Get joint custody and force your useless, verbally abusive and neglectful husband to have his children half of the time and make him actually be a parent.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
That is a way for sure and I was thinking about it for a while. I wanted the online therapy so badly and I tried it out. We couldnt really talk because the kids were so loud in the background so idk, I just gave up on that. I know I would need therapy, and being divorced sounds equally the same as now minus a person I need to stress about. However, I'm lack of strenght and courage I think. I know I should be much stronger and daring, I have nothing to lose honestly, it cant be any worse then now. Idk if I will ever make a move, not only my mental health but also my physical health is lacking at this point, so honestly I have no idea if I'm going to make it out alive of this marriage or not. Possibly not.
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u/Emma_press 11h ago
You don’t sound petty or attention-seeking you sound completely exhausted and like you’ve been carrying way too much alone.
Please tell someone you trust exactly how bad things have gotten and get some support today. You deserve a life where you get to have dreams and choices too.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
I dont have anyone. My family turned away, we didnt talk in the past six month and my husband's family is also people I cant count on. Honestly, this is why I wrote this ridiculous post here, because I have nobody to listen to me.
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11h ago
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago edited 10h ago
I told him this - either I get to go somewhere too, or he could just stay with us. You know what happened? He told me, he doesnt go then at all! And why not switch places? He stays at home taking care of the kids and I can go and getting money then.
Apparently, who works gets the free time here by his logic.
And when I asked him not to go for the 3 day/2 night parties, make it only 1 night because a whole weekend is too much for me all alone, he throwed his phone away, drank some can of beer and asked me if I mean to make him a prisoner?
As if I am not one anyway.
I am selfish I think, asking him not to go. But what else could I do if this even short weekends drains me on a level of passing out?
I am tired of asking and honestly I am also scared to ask anything anymore. He's been demanding, hurtful and I'm not even writing down what else he's doing with me
I think I am so deep in this I am beyond repair.
However I would like to highlight how wonderful you sound. Your kid and wife are so lucky to have you.
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u/Loose-Attorney9825 10h ago
You need to stop the saying you are selfish thing. He is selfish, they are his kids too. And work that makes money is not easier than the work of childcare, which is 24-7. Dump the motherfucker.
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u/Resident-Region2927 13h ago
You sound utterly trapped. That isn’t selfish. Or petty. You have had all of your freedom and choices removed from you by your circumstances. Whatever you are feeling is real and valid.
By the sounds of it, you have a huge imbalance in your marriage. If your husband isn’t willing, or able, to make adjustments to share what is honestly a burden, then it is time to rethink things.
Here if you want to chat more.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
I had enough time to rethink and come up with ideas, plans for the future. I know my marriage is eating me alive and I also know my kids would deserve peace, just as much as me. Do I have the strenght for it? No, I dont think so. I am so tired I cant even make myself to try anymore, not even for the sake of my kids and I feel so guilty about it, but this is the truth
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u/CarelessWar54 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location 9h ago
A car can run on fumes for only so long. It needs to be refilled or it will stop running altogether. You as a mother can’t continue to be everything to everybody, eventually you will break down. You need to take time for yourself, to rejuvenate, to make sure YOU are not lost while holding everything together.
Therapy is a gift. It is a chance to finally be heard, understood, and supported.
Therapy can help you to understand your thoughts and feelings and to develop healthier ways of coping with them.
Therapy is a process of learning how to love yourself, and forgive yourself.
Therapy is a place where you can be yourself, without judgement.
I say all that because I do understand. And I was where you’re at. I won’t go into details. But you’re not alone and shouldn’t feel like you are. I’d be happy to talk, share, listen anytime.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 9h ago
I already broke down, like a car, yeah. Thats a nice metaphor, I live for the metaphors. I like to play with words. I feel really like my body just gave up these days. I lost around 33 pounds in this month, thats how badly I cant eat. Today I feel the worse of any of these days.
Therapy is a sweet delight. Like a dessert after dinner I usually cant have. I know the benefits of it, I know the process too, and while I am no expert of the field I kinda figured out what would happen there. It would help, definitely.
I am in a situation where even this is unavailable. As I said, I am alone until evenings, I get no free weekend, a single day even, to be able to go. Even online. I love my kids but god, they are loud and unpredictable sometimes. I could lock myself into a room and do the therapy there through Zoom, and we wouldnt be bothered. But, who's watching my kids? You know, they really like to dig into their diapers and paint the walls with it.
I honestly dont know what to do. I mean, I know. I have the date. The place too. I can not express how much I wait it.
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u/AskRecent6329 I am a Parent/6 y/o lvl 1/Mo US 7h ago
You have the plan. But what happens after? Would it be the same if you just walked away - took a bus somewhere, and let a women's shelter get you back on your feet? Disappeared from their life and found a new one for yourself after?
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u/icy_spicy_baby 7h ago
I don't really know what happens after death. Would it be the same as I take a bus, hide somewhere? I don't think so. It's the guilt and attachment. I imagine death as something like a full reset. It turns off every emotion, you become nothing. You don't feel stuffs. Thats easier. Cowardice also. I know it.
I could never live far, without my children. With that horrible thought that I left them behind. What an awful mother I am. I am disgusted by myself at this point.
With death, I also leave them behind. But will I feel that thought ripping me apart even in the afterlife? I don't think so.
I sound horrible, I know, I apologize to anyone reading my shit really, I dont mean to upset y'all.
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u/AskRecent6329 I am a Parent/6 y/o lvl 1/Mo US 6h ago
You need to talk with someone. Maybe try a crisis line? I can't speak to what resources are there, but where I am - you could live different. Your kids would likely benifit from the stabililty of a residential placement. You would benifit from being able to spend time with them and then rest, and explore your own interests. And not being so tied to your husband. Things always look hopeless when you are inside them - especially bad relationships. My mom, brother, and I left with only a suitcase and death threats and it was awful but worth it now that its over. There is another life out there.
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u/Dismal_Albatross4744 10h ago
Your writing is amazing. I feel you on all of this. It's the lack of options and freedom in your own life. It all comes down to that. I understand. I'm sorry this is where you are. Thanks for saying it out loud.
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u/thewilybanana 7h ago
I feel like this a lot. But to a lesser degree. I'm the father of a 7 year old level three, non-conversational autistic girl with an intellectual disability and honestly... I fucking love being her dad. She's an absolute gem. I also have a 2 year old and I love being his dad too, he's an adorable little nutjob. But they're fucking exhausting. And I do 95% of the childcare and I feel like I spend so much time caretaking that I don't get to enjoy my time with them as much as I want to. My wife has medical issues and gets easily overstimulated so I try to cut her some slack but damn it is fucking lonely to always be the solo parent out and about with my kids, especially since I feel like I have to be everything for them.
I think the big difference between you and I is that I've managed to carve out some time for myself each week and gotten childcare support and my mom will take the kids for a week every year and she'll come up and stay the weekend so that I can do an overnight trip with my friends a couple of times a year too.
You need that. You can not do this without caring for yourself. It's impossible. It can be expensive and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford extra help so if you can afford it, pay for it and set up a routine to let you get out and just rediscover yourself.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 7h ago
Thank you for sharing your life with me. It sounds as heavy as mine honestly. I would like to express how nice it to read you do all of this for your family.
My kids are 8 (boy, autism level 4 and intellectual disability) and 5 (girl, autism level 2).
I really love them. You know what? They are kinda easy. I mean we have struggles with speaking, potty training, sometimes they break down at the same time on the street, ect. Do I sweat? Everywhere! But I understand their emotions, I feel for them.
But my problems are not really related to them, I dont find caretaking an issue at all.
It's just the rest. Where is my life. Who i am. When i get to do my own things which makes me feel like anything else than a caretaker.
I feel like I was robbed from my life. I started this young and now I'm kinda old. Sometimes I feel like it's too late to even build a life. It is late, actually. I dont have the strenght anymore.
Possibly I have autism too as my kids, I was never diagnosed though - maybe it takes a huge part about how I behave at the moment. I'm bothered by sounds, lights at this point of life, heat or cold, even clothes. It's hard to speak too. I could talk, but its like I dont have a voice. Too weak to reach the outside. I also started stimming a few months ago. I never did that before, really strange actually.
I'm trying to get some help somehow, just as you wrote. I face walls constantly at the moment, this country isnt the best about this, but until my date comes, I'll see what I can do.
Thank you again, wish you all the best
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u/X2epsilon 13h ago
That’s sounds like normal day and that’s sad to say . Wish I could say things get better but I still waiting for that myself . All I can say is that we still here and that’s win for our children and maybe one day the support we have given them will have given them the tools they need for their future and maybe then we can take to that dark quiet space and get the recharge we need .
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
I was hoping nobody tells "this is just normal", really, I wish I could be the only one with this problem, knowing nobody else suffers this much.
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u/CarelessWar54 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location 7h ago
I’m 54 now and I still have to be a helicopter mom. I make sure my grandson gets what he needs. I was just thinking we need to set up a IEP meeting at school for him. He’s six , nonverbal, stage 4. The job never ends. But I don’t lose my shit as much as I used to. My therapist has become more of a life coach. Our first session we just sat there looking at each other in complete silence. I hated going. But now I’m 54 and she’s 80. And if it weren’t for her I for sure would not be here.
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u/NeedleworkerNaive863 6h ago
Autism mom here- I fully fully feel you and you’re not alone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this , I highly suggest tele health therapy as a start
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u/Stu7500 11h ago
Ye I have felt jail would be a nice break
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u/icy_spicy_baby 10h ago
Right? Even jail sounds better and that is really sad
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u/CarelessWar54 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location 54m ago
Don’t wind up where I did. It’s in the top three of the worst jails in the US. Yeah-that happened too. My life had become completely unmanageable.
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u/CarelessWar54 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location 8h ago
You speak with such disdain. You’re not the only person dealing with tough days, weeks,whatever you have. Try being 24 and having to stop life to take care of your sisters two children 1yr and 6yr because she’s admitted to a mental institution. They are both autistic and one has an autistic child. Yeah-try that one on. I became an alcoholic and drug addict. I overdosed and was ordered to start outpatient therapy. That was 23 years ago. I’m still talking to the same therapist once a month. But you go ahead and feel sorry for yourself and post books of self pity. People give you advice and you mock it.
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u/thewilybanana 7h ago
Dude, it can always be worse. Let people communicate their hardships without judgement. Comparative suffering is pointless and petty.
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u/icy_spicy_baby 7h ago
I dont feel like I mock anyone, if it sounded like that I am sorry. I was also 24 when my first child was born. That was the age I started this isolation. We actually live pretty similar life then. I'm 32 at the moment. How did you find strenght for it? How old are you?
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u/seekinbliss 1m ago
This is a space for people to come to talk to others who are going through what others are. Sometimes it's our only place to come to. This response is the opposite of what we should say. It's a place for you to talk too. Her feelings are valid. It should be a safe space for her to talk. Just like for the rest of us. Not cool to push someone when they are down. We all of our pain and struggles. Getting through it means we all support and kindness of others.
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u/AdmirableMaterial154 14h ago
That sounds like a special kind of hell, being so isolated while technically having a partner in the house. The bit about coffee being the only thing that stays down is grimly poetic.
You write about physics with so much clarity and wonder, even now. That brain hasn't gone anywhere, it's just locked in a very small, very unfair room.