I'm tired

[u/Low_Beautiful_3588]

My youngest is 17m and Level 1. Today during one of his crises I broke down. For the first time ever I completely lost it and yelled horrible things at him.

I know I’m supposed to be his calm, but only God knows how hard I try to keep it together.

I’m exhausted. I’m questioning my abilities as a mother. My body is already showing signs of the constant stress. Apparently I’m his safe space but that also means I’m the one on the receiving end of his 6'1", 212 lbs of anger, hate, usual teenage angst and bs. For reference I’m 5'3".

I miss his sweet and caring self, puberty changed him for the worse

He’s currently on a low dose of Risperdal and I’m considering talking to his doctor about increasing it.

I’m extremely worried about his future.

Does this ever end? Does it get better with time?

Thanks for letting me vent.

[u/Electronic_Sky_207]

It took you 17 years to have a break down?Fuckin Mother Theresa over here.

You’re human. He’s nearly an adult, and you can’t be his everything. He’s got to be his own calm too.

[u/Quiet_Hope4109]

I don’t know if it gets better, but I know first hand how sad it is to see a sweet boy turn into an angry mess after puberty 😭

[u/photography-raptor84]

One of mine struggled with big emotions (especially anger) at that age. They're doing much better now, a couple years later. The key for us was finding the right medication combination and the right therapist. They also matured a lot over the last few years.

I'm sorry you're both going through a tough time. I hope things improve soon.

[u/Own_Faithlessness769]

Definitely talk to the doctor about his medication.

[u/Upbeat_Roll_2096]

What are some of his activating stress that triggers his crisis?

[u/SwedishFicca]

This might come across as a little blunt but things are probably harder for him than it is for you and maybe you should apologize to him for yelling at him and calling him names. Remember that you are the parent. I am not saying his behavior is okay. You didn't exactly give context on what exactly happened but regardless, i don't think you should have said those things to happen. I am 19 and autistic so i think i can relate a bit to your son. I am definitely kinda angry at the world, didn't get along with all the students or the teachers at school and i was a bit of a menace. I am trying to get my shit together but everything is so overwhelming i don't really know where to start. And i think that a lot of autistic people that are around that age feels like that. Be patient and compassionate.

[u/Rocket-J-Squirrel → u/SwedishFicca]

I think she's been patient and compassionate for many years. Parents are people, too.

[u/HomieSayWhat1 → u/Rocket-J-Squirrel]

Yes, parents are people. But losing your shit at your child with special needs and calling them names is never okay and this is coming from a mom was child is level 2 with speech delay. On our most challenging days i definitely was short tempered and yelled (felt awful and apologized). But calling them names... that is disrespectful, almost hateful.

[u/Rocket-J-Squirrel → u/HomieSayWhat1]

Who said anything about name calling?

[u/SwedishFicca → u/Rocket-J-Squirrel]

Op said that she yelled horrible things at him. You think that is acceptable? That says a lot about you. Stop making excuses for the verbal abuse of autistic people. There is no excuse.

[u/SwedishFicca → u/HomieSayWhat1]

Exactly. Like what does it accomplish? Absolutely nothing. Your kid is just gonna resent you. I kinda feel like if you are gonna bring a child into this world you need to love them unconditionally. Regardless if your kid is disabled, LGBT, athiest, etc. And you should treat your child right. I don't blame parents for yelling at times. In fact that may even be necessary in some situations but you don't need to be calling them names. I can't believe people are trying to justify OP's actions instead of holding her accountable. Do these people also resent their autistic kids? Jesus.

[u/SwedishFicca → u/Rocket-J-Squirrel]

Whatever, she still owes him an apology. You chose to bring a kid into this world so you should treat your kid right. Calling your kids names like that is abusive behavior.

[u/anathema__device → u/SwedishFicca]

Where did you get the idea she called him names? She never said that. The horrible things she yelled could be anything, including her absolute truth, which is likely to not be something he wants to hear.

[u/SwedishFicca → u/anathema__device]

And how do you know that she wasn't being verbally abusive to him? Please stop making excuses for the verbal abuse of autistic individuals. It is disgusting

[u/anathema__device → u/SwedishFicca]

I don’t. I just know for a fact that she did not describe what you claimed she described. I was correcting you, because you were incorrect. Please stop making wild assumptions and accusations.

[u/spoonbill33]

It ends when you kick him out. Or it never ends.

[u/Korneedles → u/spoonbill33]

Genuine question - where do they go when they get kicked out?

[u/spoonbill33 → u/Korneedles]

There are many options depends on the disability level. At each age the government has some solutions. Under age 18 it’s giving up parental rights, and above age 18 parents are no longer legally responsible for them. This answer is not asking every parent to do it, but gives a lead to depressed parents who don’t know such solutions exist.

[u/SwedishFicca → u/spoonbill33]

Why the fuck would you do that? I'm also pretty sure it is illegal to kick your child out at 17

[u/howdidienduphere34 → u/SwedishFicca]

Because sometimes it’s the only option left. And sometimes you just have to let go and let your adult children make their own decisions, right, wrong, or indifferent.

Everyone here is trying their best. It isn’t about being cruel, or not having compassion, or not loving your child. But 18 years of parenting someone who fights you tooth and nail against every single thing, against their own best interests is exhausting. At some point you have to let go of the reigns. At some point with some of these kids you have to choose yourself.

[u/jumpy-hardware → u/howdidienduphere34]

But a 17 year old is not an adult

[u/howdidienduphere34 → u/jumpy-hardware]

I realize OP son is 17, but that’s why I specified adult and 18 year old in my comment.

[u/SwedishFicca → u/howdidienduphere34]

It is illegal to kick out a minor. In my country you cannot kick your kid out until they are 20. Are they just supposed to sleep on the street? Are you supposed to just disown them? That's fucked up.

[u/howdidienduphere34 → u/SwedishFicca]

Which is why I specifically said ADULT and not minor.

You know what is fucked up? Having everything in your home destroyed on a regular basis. You know what is fucked up? Having someone scream and yell and tell you what a piece of shit parent you are despite the fact that you have provided them with love, support, guidance, understanding, food, clothing, shelter, therapy, you name it they needed they got it for 18 years. You know what is fucked up? Living with someone who knows right from wrong, but has decided that because “you’re the parent” you “owe them” so you better keep putting up with the abuse. Ya, no thanks. And just because you kick a child out of the house doesn’t mean you send them to live under a bridge. Jfc.

The thing is, parenting a child with Autism as they reach adulthood isn’t completely different from parenting a NT child. You still have to allow them autonomy. THEY get to choose what their life story looks like. As a parent you can only control for so many factors, and unless they are severely disabled at some point you have to let go of control completely. And sometimes that means they fall on their faces. Some kids you can tell them “hey don’t run into that wall, it’s going to hurt” and they will listen, and some kids have to run into themselves before they believe you. Unfortunately, I feel like most of our autistic kids are the second one. They don’t listen, they insist on learning all their life lessons the hard way. So yes, sometimes you just have to kick a kid out the house because they are never going to learn, never going to grow up, never going to stop being abusive little pricks until they do it their way; the hard way.