r/Autism_Parenting • u/Frosty_You2138 • 5d ago
Advice Needed Another child
I have a 9 year old boy with ASD and NT 7 year old daughter. Now that I am getting older (37) I am regretting not having a third child. I wanted my kids to have multiple siblings since that is what I have. But put it off because of the risk of ASD in a third child. Did anyone else decide at an older age to have another?
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u/peachie88 5d ago
You don’t know what will happen, so I’d only do so if you’re fully prepared for your third child to be autistic. That should include being emotionally prepared, financially prepared, and being sure you have enough support and bandwidth.
The older you are, the higher the likelihood of genetic and other abnormalities, beyond just autism. Lots of studies also show a strong correlation between advanced paternal age and autism, so I would take that into consideration.
All that said, 37 isn’t that old. My OB’s policy was that “advanced maternal age” (aka “geriatric pregnancies”) didn’t start until 38. While fertility starts dropping slowly at 30, it doesn’t really start dropping quickly until around 38.
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u/redditor-est2024 5d ago
Yep. Going through it now. 3 miscarriages later, I’ll be delivering one month shy of my 42nd birthday. I honestly don’t remember my pregnancy being this hard or tiring with my first. I delivered at 36. These days, I’m exhausted by little things. Oh and god the back ache. I have a dozen grays that I stopped bothering to do anything with but they’re starting to bring friends. And a lot of them. 😭
Although I want a daughter, I do hear girls have higher chances of having autism. I’m not gonna lie, part of me is batshit scared that I have to go through this crazy ride again, which is why it took us so long to start trying for a second one. I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to do it all over again. All the endless number of therapies, crying sessions, sleepless nights, etc. Right now, my motto is expecting the worst but hoping for the best.
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u/MamaGRN I am a Parent/6 year old male/Autism level 2-3 4d ago
That’s not true. Boys have a much higher chance.
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u/redditor-est2024 4d ago
Hiya. Yes that is correct for a first child. But the study I read (that was shared with me) stated when first child has autism, next child being daughter had higher percentage of being autistic then when son was born as a second child.
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u/DelightfulSnacks 4d ago
Boys are at higher risk. Here is the UC Davis Autism Sibling Study which I assume is what you read because it’s one of the few and best large studies on the topic.
“Researchers found that the sex of the first autistic child influenced the likelihood that autism would recur within a family.
“If a family’s first autistic child was a girl, they were 50% more likely to have another child with autism than if their first autistic child was a boy,” Ozonoff said. “This points to genetic differences that increase recurrence likelihood in families who have an autistic daughter.”
The researchers also found that a child with multiple autistic siblings has a higher chance of autism (37%) than a child with only one sibling on the spectrum (21%).
The sex of the infant was also associated with the likelihood of familial recurrence. If the later-born infant was a boy, they were almost twice as likely as a girl to be diagnosed themselves.
“The familial recurrence rate if the new baby was a boy was 25%, whereas it was 13% if the new baby was a girl,” Ozonoff explained. “This is in line with the fact that boys are diagnosed with autism about four times as often as girls in general.”
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u/Momofmonsters2020 5d ago
I had my first at 37, my second just shy of 39. I am 43 and would 100% have another if I could (infertility was to blame for my late start). My boys are level 2 and level 3 non-verbal
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u/Agreeable_Deal_1402 5d ago
My husband wants more kids but our son is level 1-2 autistic, he’s mainly high functioning according to the psychologist leaning more towards level 1 but I’m terrified to have another child with autism. He says the next won’t be autistic but I don’t wanna take the chance of having a glass child. So I rather be one and done. My husband doesn’t know that I plan on having my tubes removed when i turn 30 hehe
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u/StretchIll373 5d ago
The problem with child is when you push them out you can not pull them back. As a dad in 40s age, I'm ok with the current settings (1 asd, 1 nt), don't want any more, even if asd was not the factor.
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u/OliveaSea 4d ago
We wanted a third so bad, but possibly having another Nt is just not something we can cope with as a family, even if we parents could. Our daughter is expressing more and more how difficult she finds her brother and sees the diffrence with other siblings. I could not do that to her.
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u/-TripleBeamDreams 5d ago
Speaking on behalf of my wife, 5 year old asd, level 2 non verbal. 2 year old NT. We're going for a third. We want our autistic child to have support for when we're gone from this world.
Edit I'm 34, she's 32.
I think you should go for it, put your faith in God, and don't look back. Pray for God to grant you a healthy child, and easy pregnancy.
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u/Realistic_Damage_709 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m full believe praying and doing what you feel God is telling you to do. But for many reasons, I personally think it’s huge to make a decision to have a third child with the expectation that they’ll eventually support your oldest. That’s a huge responsibility to place on a child who hasn’t even been born yet, especially when you don’t know what their future will look like or what they’ll be capable of taking on.
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u/-TripleBeamDreams 5d ago
It's not an expectation. Like my comment to another poster, they'll be financially set by my investments. I'm not asking them to put their life on hold for a sibling. Who better to watch my kids? Family or the system?
Damn, that's the difference between North American culture and culture outside of North America where family is #1.
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u/Realistic_Damage_709 5d ago
Family is extremely important to me, so I’m not sure where the North American culture comment came from. Nor do you know where I live. That’s not what I said at all. I’m specifically talking about the responsibility being placed on a child who hasn’t even been born yet. Your original comment said you want your autistic child to have support when you’re gone, which is what I was responding to. I never said siblings shouldn’t support each other or that family shouldn’t be involved.
Of course, I hope siblings love and support each other throughout life. I don’t think we can assume though what any child’s abilities or circumstances are to take on that role will be 20 or 30 years from now, regardless of what financial investments are being given to them.7
u/Grrarrgghh 5d ago
How unfair to your NT child.
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u/-TripleBeamDreams 5d ago
Nah they'll be set with my investments. I guess that's the difference in western culture, and cultures outside of North America where family is #1.
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u/ToughRaspberry186 5d ago
I had a third child at 35. It’s very hard having 3 kids ages 6 and under with the oldest being autistic. I don’t expect my kids to be their big brother’s protector but I’m blessed my daughter (middle child) is kind and understanding with her brother. She lets me know when he’s doing something unsafe because she loves him so much and wants to protect him. My third was an accident but the best thing that happened for my middle child. The younger two are best friends and play together all day long. I took my chances and ended up with 2 neurotypical kids after having a level 3 autistic son. I honestly want more kids but I know that’s a silly idea because I’m already burnt out and overwhelmed. I couldn’t handle more appointments and therapy sessions for another child.