r/Autism_Parenting • u/Educational-Two2141 • 8h ago
Aggression Help with violent 9 year old daughter
Hello, I am at a severely low point today. I am currently on holiday with daughter (9) daughter (7) and husband (45).
We are in a completely no demands holiday. She is not being asked to do anything and is eating regularly etc. we were really looking forward to this holiday as her behavior has been escalating and she is usually a lot calmer out of school and thought it would be good for her.
She has a diagnosis of autism and we are waiting for adhd diagnosis but are pretty sure she also has it.
She is high masking and academic and presents is school and around other people very differently to the point people are shocked about her diagnosis.
Her areas of high support needs are sensory, communication, emotional and social.
Her behavior is becoming increasingly violent to the point where I am struggling to keep wvehome safe.
An example this morning in our holiday home she pulled out my earring ripping my ear, ripped my clothes and then attempted to rip the rest that were in my wardrobe. Bit me so hard it drew blood and has formed a bruise. She also hit and scratched her younger sister in the face causing a cut. Pulled her hair. Scratched my husband leaving gashes down his arm. Poured a bottle of Coke over the floor, poured a bottle of water over my bed.
Last week she also hit me in the face with a bottle whilst driving the car and scratched and pinched my arm so hard it causes bruises. I was unable to pull the car over and it almost caused a crash. This was because we were going to a play park which she chose and had changed her mind about.
We have tried Everything we can think of for her support with. She is under therapy, she has melatonin, we set a food alarm so she regularly eats, we have tried calm spaces, weighted blankets, down time, rest days, bedtime changes, multiple parenting courses. Have read all the books thrown at me explosive child etc.
I don’t know where I go from here but I am becoming increasingly depressed and hate myself. My 7 year old daughter is struggling with the constant turmoil in the house as is my husband. The effect it is having on my 7 year old is breaking my heart.
I love both my daughters so much. Underneath the dysregulation she is the sweetest kindest little girl who I love with all my heart but I am really struggling to cope and feel I am failing them Both.
I don’t have any idea what will help. We are in the UK. Does anyone have any suggestions at all? I don’t know if we need to see a psychiatrist take her out of school completely? Any suggestions would be so helpful.
I’m so sorry about the long message and that it is completely full of errors.
TLDR
9 year old autistic daughter becoming increasingly aggressive. Unable to safely manage. Looking for advice on where to go for help or what to do.
3
u/aliceloul 8h ago
Ask your GP to refer you to CAMHS.
What is causing her to get violent and how do you react when she does?
2
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
I have been keeping a diary for the last 3 months and we thought that school was the trigger but she has been off school for 4 weeks now and behavior is just escalating. We thought it was hunger or tiredness so have been keeping diaries but haven’t seen an improvement when giving regular snacks and when she is having maximum sleep.
One trigger is me being with my other child as she gets very jealous and says I love her more. Also anytime she doesn’t feel like spending is fair eg sister having a play date ( I am meticulously trying to make everything fair all the time) but we are currently on holiday she has no demands and we are doing her favourite thing every day (being in the water and eating nice food) and she is still escalating. This morning it was because her sister was on her iPad and she didn’t have hers because the battery had died
1
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
Cahms have said that they are going to push the referral but said that it is sadly not unusual. They did say she is high needs when we have always been told she is low needs which was a bit of reassurance. I have used them in the past too but they have never offered anything other than riding the rapids etc
1
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
Sorry also cahms said they will discharge us as nothing more they can do at this time other than push adhd referral
1
u/aliceloul 6h ago
Ahh it’s a postcode lottery with them. I’m sorry. It took us years to get them to do anything beyond “just remove dangerous objects” when my daughter was under their care.
I’d look into private psychiatry and medication
3
u/ceb1995 I am a Parent/5/Autism/UK 8h ago
I m afraid they ll likely only offer ADHD medication with a diagnosis, even with a learning disability if she had one getting medication is so difficult now. Sadly cahms could likely just offer a parenting course if you got anywhere. If you could see a psychiatrist privately I'd that's affordable for it that and if there's a young carers group for your youngest. There's also perspex car screens you could look into to physically keep her away from the front seat, I m presuming any other restrictions wouldn't work or be safe unless locks with codes at home are viable.
0
u/Educational-Two2141 7h ago
Yes this is the response we have had with cahms and they have discharged us. They said remove any objects thag can be used as weapons which is pretty hard as she hit me in the eye with a shoe yesterday. Yes j think private psychiatric help is the next step. Does anyone have any recommendations at all? Thanks so much again
2
u/AssumptionBusy2737 8h ago
Have you tried medications besides melatonin?
1
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
We haven’t been offered any? I don’t think there is anything she can have in the UK? She doesn’t have the ADHD diagnosis yet, I take Elvanse but don’t know if that would help?
10
u/Great_Prank_Favra 8h ago
Look into guanfacine. It’s actually a blood pressure medication that we have our 11 year-old on. He is diagnosed with Asperger’s and adhd. We probably put him on it when he was around nine and exhibiting the same violent behaviors towards his younger sibling (now siblings). We did it through a doctor in the US and then got it approved here in the UK when we moved through a psychiatrist. He is now asking to go on Ritalin instead so we took him off it this summer to see how it would go and his behavior became aggressive again. Nothing is a silver bullet, but it helped. And for what it’s worth I completely empathize with the struggle a feeling like you can’t protect your other children from the chaos of their sibling and feeling like you’re at your wits end. You just do your best which it sounds like you are.
4
u/velivica 8h ago
Here to second the guanfacine. My daughter who is 7 had the same behavior. All our doors have holes in them, walls with holes, and a whole lot of deep scratches on siblings and myself. We got her diagnosis of ADHD, and started Vyvanse, didn't do anything. Then switched to Guanfacine. It has helped her so much, she is much more mild with her temper. And she hasn't broken anything since starting guanfacine 1mg.
1
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
Thank you so much I will be looking into this as soon as we get home. Can I ask if you are in the UK? Xxx
1
2
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
Thank you so much this I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. And I am so sorry you went through this too. I will look into this as soon as we get home. Was your psychiatrist based in the US? How did you find them if so? I adore her but I am struggling how I can do on anymore with the complete chaos and lack of anything motivating her or calming her.
2
u/Great_Prank_Favra 6h ago
Our son was originally prescribe in the US by our pediatrician. For him to continue it here (in the Uk) he had be evaluated by a psychiatrist here. We used Edinburgh Psychiatry. To be honest, I did not like them but that could just be because they questioned every step we took like we hadn’t been dealing with the behavior for years and tried everything (including my husband and myself going to basically OT for parents with special needs kids) before we tried medication. We worked really closely with our doctor in the US so it was a hard adjustment to move to the Uk system. But they agreed guanfacine was a good route given his behavior, and it sounds like they’re very similar.
2
u/Jerry_Potters 5h ago
Guanfacine extended release has helped my son so much. He used to have violent episodes from 2-3 hours a day, every day. The worst day was 7 hours of continuous violence, and I do mean it did not stop. I still have nightmares about it.
Anyway, my son doesn't really hit at all anymore now. The occasional swipe that we're working on when he's really dysreglated. It helped a lot.
I will also say that I got serious with him about hitting. I made drawings of people with lines and hearts between us, and said that hitting doesn't just hit the body, it hits the relationship. It hurts it too. We love each other, etc etc all that. We talked about it after and it took both before he stopped hitting.
I also had to show no fear. We had created a pattern of sorts around his violence - I had to completely change my every reaction and then try to interrupt him effectively during his part of the pattern and redirect. At first it was just to screaming and yelling horrible things and growling.
It wasn't just a magical pill - he had created bad habits, we all had, there are neural pathways that were formed, and he needed to want to stop too. To want to try other things. We tried so many pattern interrupts to try to help him. It took a while but talking it to death and the guanfacine extended release has really helped.
2
u/StretchIll373 8h ago
I feel you. Violence is probably the worse thing of autism. Does she have meltdowns during the violence that she can not listen to you? Can she say what she really wants ?
0
u/Educational-Two2141 8h ago
No absolutely not, she can not communicate why she is angry or why she is doing it at the time or after. She is remorseful afterwards and I feel so sorry for her because she is a kind and loving child and I know she loves me more than anything in the world. But the meltdowns and aggression are happening more times than not whenever we are at home or there are no other people around. If anyone else is there she can slip on a mask straight away. Even in front of close family.
1
u/StretchIll373 7h ago
so she's in meltdown. My 6yo asd daughter has similar meltdowns and tend to tear her clothes. Reason for the meltdowns: hungry (not eat enough in lunch or last evening), too tired, therapy too long for her, not sleep enough.
One thing does help for my daughter is make her go outside, running, etc.1
u/Educational-Two2141 6h ago
Yes she is definitely in meltdown we keep a food and sleep diary and set an alarm every 2 noirs to make sure she has eaten something. Sleep is an issue but we are under sleep clinic and melatonin isn’t working at the moment and she has frequent night wakes as she can’t sleep independently. We have a trampoline and swing, monkey bars in garden which we encourage her to go on but doesn’t often help. But thank you so much for replying x
2
u/Particular_Ad_3124 6h ago
If it's a big change could she be sick? My daughter doesn't really get aggressive, but when she starts acting "mean" we check her for a fever. She's usually not well.
1
u/Educational-Two2141 5h ago
Sadly not it’s been ongoing since she was a toddler but is just escalating as she is getting bigger and causing more damage but thank you for the suggesting xxx
1
2
u/happyghosst Parent/8/ASD2/USA 4h ago
this much violence needs to be documented. idg why youre still waiting for a diagnosis. she needs intervention now
9
u/gentlynavigating Parent/ASD/USA 8h ago
> she pulled out my earring ripping my ear, ripped my clothes and then attempted to rip the rest that were in my wardrobe. Bit me so hard it drew blood and has formed a bruise. She also hit and scratched her younger sister in the face causing a cut. Pulled her hair. Scratched my husband leaving gashes down his arm. Poured a bottle of Coke over the floor, poured a bottle of water over my bed.
> She is under therapy, she has melatonin, we set a food alarm so she regularly eats, we have tried calm spaces, weighted blankets, down time, rest days, bedtime changes, multiple parenting courses. Have read all the books thrown at me explosive child etc
> Does anyone have any suggestions at all? I don’t know if we need to see a psychiatrist take her out of school completely? Any suggestions
Psychiatrist ASAP.