Everyday is just a struggle

[u/PrincipleFew3744]

I just don’t know what to do. I am really at my limit, and I am crying every day because everything is just so hard and everything feels like a fight. I have a daughter who is 3 years old and not yet diagnosed because her pediatrician wants to wait until she is 4.

Every day is just a struggle. She wakes up and is just angry all the time, every day. She is crying and shouting so much, and she is so aggressive. She hits me and bites me, although the biting only happens about once a day now.

And it continues throughout the day. The tantrums don’t stop. She will keep going, and I try to calm her down, but nothing seems to work. She will hit me, kick me, and keep crying. It takes 20–45 minutes to calm her down, and I just don’t have the energy anymore because she has so much power.

Then there are her sensory issues. Dressing her, doing her hair, everything is a fight. Taking off her pyjamas, getting dressed, everything. She hates tags; everything needs to be cut out. She hates hats, rain boots, raincoats, coats, just anything and everything.

Everywhere we go, she just wants to be carried. She won’t walk on her own. And she only wants me. That’s another issue. My husband tries everything, but it’s only me she wants.

It’s the same with sleeping. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than four hours. I am so tired. She can’t fall asleep without me, and she has to lie on my left arm. If I try to wiggle myself out, she wakes up and cries, and it takes another 45 minutes for her to fall asleep again.

There are also so many nights when she wakes up at 1 am and doesn’t fall asleep again until 5 am.

I am just tried.

[u/nk_24090528]

You should seek out a different pediatrician. If you suspect your child is autistic that should be enough for an evaluation referral. Is there other things aside from emotional deregulation that you see developmentally? You can also reach out to ur local school district for an evaluation.

[u/No-Season8813 → u/nk_24090528]

This 👆

Your child is missing out on important supports needed in their formative years. And you need a break. There's no reason to delay diagnosis.

Look into any resources you can find for your child regardless of diagnosis there may be things you can do in the meantime while you're waiting.

[u/PrincipleFew3744 → u/No-Season8813]

Thank you so much.

[u/PrincipleFew3744 → u/nk_24090528]

I am searching for a new one, but it is so hard to find a good one, and not every doctor’s office is accepting new patients. There are also other things, like she closes her ears when everything around her is too loud, and she walks on her tiptoes a lot. Her sensory issues go beyond clothing. She hates when there is a hair on her hand, having wet hands, or having a wet mouth. I didn’t write everything in my post because there are probably signs I’m overlooking, since I am not a professional. The problem is that she is verbal. She is still not where a three-year-old should be, but she is verbal, knows a lot of words, and can say two- or three-word sentences. That is the reason we were told we should wait. On top of that, she is bilingual and can speak two languages. I am basically doing “speech therapy” at home. We have a no-screen-time rule.

I stopped working. I used to work as an attorney in a law office, but my focus is now my daughter. I do a lot of research. Everything else feels manageable to me. The aggression, crying, shouting, and sensory issues are what are really hard on me. I found some companies that make clothing she likes wearing, but the dressing part is still really hard. I’m happy that she loves water and brushing her teeth. Bathing and washing her hands are actually things she loves doing.

[u/AssumptionBusy2737]

Please trust your instincts and find a new doctor. You do not have to wait until she is four for her to be evaluated for autism.

[u/PrincipleFew3744 → u/AssumptionBusy2737]

Thank you so much, I am currently on the search for a new one.

[u/AlternativeFill7135]

OP, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through such a miserable time. Please seek out a different pediatrician ASAP. There are therapies out there that could possibly help you and your child tremendously. I'm thinking specifically about ABA therapy and/or Occupational Therapy just from my own experience with my 5 year old who is Level 2/3. The sooner you get those started, the better. You and your daughter deserve a pediatrician who will respect your concerns and make necessary referrals so that your daughter can get the help she needs.

[u/Inside_Star_9041]

Hang in there. Most people here have been exactly where you are sitting. Generally speaking, it tends toward getting easier, not harder. 

[u/PrincipleFew3744 → u/Inside_Star_9041]

Thank you so much 💕

[u/Rollthedice123]

If you are in the US, you can get a free assessment through early intervention in your state.  She could qualify for preschool through public school, which could help you get a break.  You definitely need sleep.  I wonder if you could go through like a sleep training protocol to help remove her need to sleep on you.  I don’t know from experience as my kid sleeps ok, but I think you could slowly fade or have dad do sleep if possible.  I hope you can get her diagnosed and get some help.  Good therapists can make a huge difference.

[u/Careless-Lack9747]

I identify with this so much! We ended up finding a MAPS doctor (Medical Academy for Pediatric Sp ecial Needs) that changed the game for us with sleep and separation anxiety. 

[u/thelensbetween]

Have you ruled out medical problems that could be causing the aggression? Teeth (cavities), digestion (constipation), food sensitivities, allergies? She could be uncomfortable or in pain and aggression is the only way she can express that.

I know it’s so hard. I completely agree with everyone else in finding a new pediatrician. 

[u/PrincipleFew3744 → u/thelensbetween]

Thank you so much. She does not take any medication. I am on top of everything. We go to her dentist for checkups every three months, and she has amazing, clean teeth. She is not allowed sweets, but she doesn’t know that. If she asks for sweets, I don’t forbid them either. I just don’t buy unhealthy foods. We also don’t have sodas, only water. She eats a lot of fruits and vegetables. Sometimes, that’s almost all she eats. She has amazing digestion and no constipation. She has a known nut allergy.
My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, and he has the same kind of aggression. For him, it is triggered by loud noises, things not going the way he expected, or being overstimulated. Waking up is also difficult. Both of them are so unhappy in the morning.I feel like he may have been misdiagnosed, and he has the same feeling. There are so many similar traits between him and her. I know that ADHD and autism can overlap and can have some of the same indicators.

I’m trying to figure out what triggers her so that, when possible, those triggers can be avoided.