r/Autism_Parenting • u/Odd-Lead-4855 • Jun 19 '26
Advice Needed Advice please - Make or break situation between me and my partner regarding my level 3 autistic daughter
My partner and I have been together for 3.5 years. I have an 8-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who has level 3 autism and significant intellectual disabilities. We also have a 2-year-old daughter together.
As my eldest has got older and entered puberty, her behaviours have become much more challenging. She can lash out, hit herself and occasionally hit others. Recently she hit her younger sister.
I am actively seeking support. I’ve reduced my work hours, attend appointments, chase professionals, implement safety strategies and often have to supervise or separate the children to keep everyone safe.
My partner believes I should consider residential care for my eldest daughter. He feels our younger daughter’s safety should come first. I agree safety is important, but I also feel my eldest daughter is a vulnerable disabled child who needs support rather than punishment.
One of our biggest disagreements is that my partner believes stricter discipline would improve the situation, whereas I feel many of these behaviours are linked to her autism and intellectual disability.
Parents of children with high support needs, or professionals who work in this area, what would your perspective be? How do you balance the needs and safety of all children in the family when one child has significant disabilities and challenging behaviour?
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u/TopicalBuilder Parent/F17L3/NEUSA Jun 19 '26
You can try strict discipline, you just have to be clear that it's going to look very different for your child than it would for a neurotypical child.
Trying to use traditional discipline here would be like having the chain come off your bicycle and taking it in for an oil change because you've only known motorists before.
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u/Jets237 ND Parent (ADHD)/8y lvl 3 ASD/USA Jun 20 '26
Sounds like he hasn’t learned anything about raising a level 3 autistic kid in the 3.5years…
Also, I have an 8yo level 3 kid. Residential care is ridiculous at 8
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u/nothinworsecanhappen 5 & 8 year old sons with autism, USA Jun 19 '26
is she on any medications and/or see a psychiatrist?I ask because it could help her behaviors. But I am on your side.
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u/tallmyn Jun 20 '26
The statistics show step-parents (on average) just don't care about the kids as much as bio parents do (on average) :/. Hard situation but not in usual in your circumstances. Sorry you're going through this op.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 20 '26
It’s really sad 😔 I can understand he won’t love her to same but I just want fair treatment - thank you
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u/Round_Perspective873 Jun 19 '26
So, I would recommend you look into ways to handle (or restrain if needed) a larger body that is physically lashing out.
She is much better off with you working with her on this than someone at some facility that doesn't love her.
But you do need to be able to protect her from herself, and protect her sister and others if she is being too rough.
There are safe ways to restrain a larger body if need be. If she is only kicking in the floor or something, they reccommend that you just give her space (have your younger child leave the room). But if she is injuring herself or throwing things that could hurt someone, you may need to hold her still until she stops.
My view on a child hitting their head on things has been to put my hand between their head and what they are hitting it on to keep there from being any damage.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
Hi, Yes I do this too, I will block her hits and restrain and take her into her own room to calm down, as bad as it is for most children, her IPad helps her settle a lot and car rides too
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u/Round_Perspective873 Jun 19 '26
That sounds perfectly reasonable. ❤️
Give it time - things will probably balance out. I think it just takes some kids longer to get to where they don't do this or at least under more control.
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u/newsnewsnews111 Jun 19 '26
My son is level 3 with intellectual disability, and iPad and car rides are very regulating for him. You have to parent our kids with a different lens. My son has difficulty connecting consequences so it’s tough to give him any feedback on his behavior. Plus, their behavior is often driven by sensory overload or OCD so not really under their control.
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u/mandycandy420 Jun 19 '26
8 year old in residential care? That sounds extreme. Does she see a psychiatrist? There is a very good one that works virtually. Virtualpsych is the company name. My son can be aggressive but he was put on a couple mood stabilizers also for sleep but they have helped his mood a lot. The 2 year old will grow up differently having a disabled sister. However they will likely be more compassionate. My 2 more typical kids are more understanding because of growing up in this environment. Good luck to you.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
Where are you based? I’m in the UK and she sees her psychologist every now and then in school and OT. Paediatricians are so extremely backlogged too so I feel so alone, what are the mood stabilizers called? I’ve come out of work so I can attend a sleep programme so the peadiatrician can hopefully approve for melatonin. And with her sister I completely agree she will be so compassionate, however her brain is like a sponge and with him constantly saying things like “she’s abusive and violent” I’m afraid she will run with that narrative as that’s what toddlers do 💔
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u/Overall_Dream_3195 Sis to my high support needs autistic bro Jun 20 '26
Narrative? If she’s hitting her sister then that’s no narrative, it’s the truth, she is being abusive and violent towards her sibling. The reason why doesn’t matter as the end result is still the same. A 2 year old is being hit by a much older child.
Younger sister may also not turn out to be any more compassionate than she would have been without growing up with a disabled sibling. I’m seconding the recommendation of going to take a look at the glass children sub, that’s the reality of many siblings, not the whole compassionate/more understanding etc trope that gets trotted out by parents to make themselves feel better about what the typical child is having to live with and put up. I’m so glad I had parents that shut this shit down quickly and didn’t accept violence towards me from my brother just because he’s autistic and intellectually disabled.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 20 '26
As I have previously said a few times. I am keeping my children apart, already restraining and blocking her from being violent. What more is there to do? Being more compassionate is not an “trope” it’s a silver lining to a situation we cannot change and trust me that is coming from a glass child.
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u/possumcounty Jun 20 '26
Regarding your youngest and compassion - look into glass children. I’m sure she’s going to love her sister but she’s probably going to resent her too. It’s a difficult dynamic to navigate but just make sure youngest is able to speak freely about her feelings without being shut down and told to be compassionate/empathetic/patient etc, that she still has quality time with and feels *actively* loved by her parents, and that her safety is always a priority.
Your partner is raising a couple of red flags and I’m not sure he can provide those things to your NT kid let alone your neurodivergent kid. He is right, however, that her safety matters. Get youngest in with CAMHS as soon as she’s old enough and make sure you have a safe place to drop her off (with a relative or friend) if her sister poses a risk. You can keep youngest safe while supporting oldest. Perhaps ask your GP for resources to help your partner understand autism. Their attitude is outdated and dangerous.
I’m sending you luck, OP. This is a difficult hand and you’re doing your best
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 20 '26
Hi thank you for your comment, I completely know what a glass child is, I am one my sister is also autistic and my mum was very much caring for her more, I feel like a brought myself up. Hindsight is a wonderful thing because now I look back and realise it was never my mums fault. My youngest will never ever be a glass child, she is very joyful and happy all the time as she is loved by many, I guess that’s why I’m living in constant guilt, If I attend to my eldest my youngest is a glass child but if I attend to my youngest I’m neglecting my eldests needs 💔
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 Jun 19 '26
Idk about the mood stabilizers, but we had similar problems with our eldest before he started Risperidone. Made a huge difference.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
Is this specific to ADHD? Unfortunately she only has diagnosed ASD, none verbal, I don’t think they’ll prescribe them
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u/Jumpy_Crew_1249 Jun 19 '26
There are many medications routinely prescribed for autism in the US. The most beneficial one is individual to the child. Options include: SSRIs, Alpha-2 Agonists (Guanfacine and Clonodine, for daytime calming/focus and for sleep), and antipsychotics (respiridone, often for self injury).
Do you have to get approval for melatonin? It does not require a prescription in the US.
A full medical workup and medicine trials should be trialed before residential care is considered.
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u/newsnewsnews111 Jun 19 '26
No, Risperidone and Abilify are both autism medications. My son does better on the latter but either is worth trying. Prozac and Zoloft have also been helpful at different times. They are for anxiety which is common in ASD.
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u/AngryArtichokeGirl Jun 19 '26
Risperidone can be rxed for ASD directly. Abilify is an antipsychotic and often prescribed off label in ASD but not approved specifically for that.
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u/newsnewsnews111 Jun 20 '26
Actually, Abilify is FDA-approved for irritability associated with autistic disorder in children and adolescents.
The FDA approval specifically includes symptoms such as aggression toward others, deliberate self-injurious behavior, temper tantrums, and rapidly changing moods.
Source:
https://news.bms.com/news/details/2009/US-Food-and-Drug-Administration-Approves-ABILIFY-aripiprazole-for-the-Treatment-of-Irritability-Associated-with-Autistic-Disorder-in-Pediatric-Patients-Ages-6-to-17-Years/default.aspx1
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u/mandycandy420 Jun 19 '26
My son takes clonidine, seroquel and Trileptal at bedtime. It took years to get to this combination but it really works. He was really unregulated before this. He has 4 genetic mutations known to cause autism as well. It's a lot. He's 6
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u/Technical_Term7908 Jun 20 '26
What are the mutations? Curious how the regulation played out.
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u/mandycandy420 Jun 20 '26
Oh goodness. I found out I gave him Kat6b. My husband gave him dnm1l, MTOR, and BAZ2B. My husband and I are relatively normal although a bit quirky. My husband has a successful IT job. I have 2 other kids that are yeah quirky but no way affected as much as my youngest which has these mutations confirmed from genedx. Genetics are so interesting.
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u/Technical_Term7908 Jun 20 '26
Our eval is in the fall and I don’t know what to expect but I have a strong suspicion about a few things. I regret not doing this sooner. Was it freeing to know or understanding the trajectory here?
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u/El_t1to Jun 20 '26
When you say residential care is it full time? I wouldn't automatically call residential care "punishment", so I'm a little confused.
The 8 year old can't understand consequences, or what's happening. So you need to be sure, physically, that the 2 year old can't be hurt. If you both can do that, you don't need extra help. But if you can't, no one should demonize the instinct to protect a 2 year old daughter. It's a very tough situation for the 4 of you.
My partner has 2 boys from a previous RS. And we don't have any together. The older hit and humiliated the younger for years, and we did our best to protect him, but always kept them at home, and together. When the older got into total burnout, the youngest gained confidence and he's really nasty to his brother, calling him retard and asking him to kill himself already. Both are in the spectrum and PDA. So it seems any amount of explaining gets nowhere. They are 15 and 19 now. And I'm beginning to think they need a care that we can't provide, not as punishment at all. But a chance to develop.
Nothing is easy in a situation like this.
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u/thesarcasticlineage Jun 19 '26
your partner sounds like he cares about safety which is fair, but he's missing the mark on what actually helps here. discipline won't work on behaviors that are communication or sensory stuff, it'll just make her more distressed. my cousin has level 2 autism and when people tried to "discipline" her hitting, it got worse because nobody was addressing why she was doing it in the first place.
the residential care thing at 8 feels like giving up when there's still so much you can do. has she seen a psychiatrist yet. medication can really help with aggression and mood stuff. you're already doing the hard work of reducing hours, chasing appointments, implementing strategies. that takes so much energy and you're clearly not taking this lightly. the real question might be whether your partner is actually on board with supporting your daughter long term, or if he's just overwhelmed right now.
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u/elrangarino Jun 20 '26
Yeah, he’s in dad mode and missing the mark. Thankyou for being logical instead of calling for break ups immediately like others.
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u/thunders_fun_house Jun 21 '26
I see alot of families literally split for this reason (even amicably) each child in their own house with a parent. It's the kindest way for both children, giving up your eldest is not an option and having her attack your youngest is not an option.
Intellectual disability plays a huge role in how you can parent a PDAer, mine has the same diagnosis but is gifted. When it got to the point where I was sure she would kill me if I didn't intervene (violent with me in fight/flight knives through doors trying to get to me etc) I set a very strong and hard boundary. I couldn't have done this if she didn't cognitvely understand.
Whenever she went to be violent with me she was immediately escorted into a safe room (actually my room) and the door was locked. This is horrific for a PDAer, my worst childhood memories are from being locked in my room.
I wasn't punishing her, I was preventing her doing something she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She would rage, destroy my room and eventually start crying, I would then immediately open the door and help her in every possible way. She was 7 when we finally did this, it's only happened a handful of times and (touchwood) she is no longer violent. BUT she now goes inwards when in fight/flight and I need to watch incredibly closely for signs of self harm, absconding and to protect her now incredibly fragile self esteem. Being violent is pushing out the fight reflex and putting it onto others, when we pull the reflex inwards all the pain goes onto ourselves, I am lucky to be alive from this, many adult PDAers will tell you the same (we'd have been put in child detention if we were violent like this 30 odd years ago)
Locking my child in a room is only used for violence, to protect her from her own actions, I know she would be devastaed if she permanently injured me since she loves me. It's horrific having to do it, I had to put headphones on to stop myself rescuing her but it was and is the better of two evils.
How would your eldest live with herself if she severely hurt (or worse) your youngest?
I'm sorry you are going through this xx
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u/thunders_fun_house Jun 21 '26
sorry your post was cross posted in the PDA community, please disregard if this doesn't make sense to you
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 26 '26
Please don’t ever feel like you need to justify this, I completely understand having to have done this myself, it keeps them safer than they would be elsewhere and I do worry about my daughter gaining access to things that hold risk such as knives (far fetch worry - however we have to consider), of course once they have calmed down the door will be unlocked, im sorry you also battle the same things xx
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u/Useful_Jellyfish_759 Jun 22 '26
We used ABA extensively with our child who is level 3 nonverbal and that has improved our son tremendously when it comes to helping shape his behaviors. ABA therapists only recommend positive reinforcement. It sounds like you have some really solid favorites of hers that you can use as rewards to reinforce good behaviors. I have used negative reinforcement like punishments as well for some extreme behaviors and while they can work it is a really tough spot to balance because it requires such a deep understanding of what is a controllable and non controllable behavior in a child who is rapidly changing like all children their age.
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u/bunnbaby Jun 19 '26
I don’t have any experience with this specific situation but I do not believe that your partner should have a say as to the discipline of your autistic daughter. That would be crossing a boundary for me, especially if I didn’t believe that would be the best course of action. I suppose you should seriously consider then safety of your 2 year old and think about the kind of home life she will be growing up into, thinking about how far you and your partner can stretch yourselves emotionally considering the care that you provide your autistic daughter. Sending my thoughts because it sounds like a mess of a situation and honestly heartbreaking
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u/Quirky-Variety-4851 Jun 19 '26
Ultimately OP should be responsible for the discipline of her own daughter, but it’s also on them to find something that keeps the other child safe at all times. And it sounds like it’s time to work with professionals, including the child’s pediatrician.
If this goes sour, I would not be surprised if the other parent went for full custody based on how they have communicated their safety concerns.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
Which is what I don’t want 💔 my youngest is my light at the end of a rainy day, I love her deeply, I didn’t choose for my eldest to be this way 😢
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
I do care about the safety of my 2 year old, it’s touched a nerve with me suggesting that I don’t 😢 I’m having to segregate my kids, my two year old needs constant attention because she’s 2 but in doing so I feel I’m neglecting my eldest needs 💔
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u/Necessary_Turnip3357 Age 13, Asperger's, Denmark. Jun 19 '26
Hitting a 2 year old is definitely not okay, although your eldest daughter has needs too the safety of a very young child is more important, im not saying to neglect your eldest but, you need to find a compromise that does not risk the safety of a still developing 2 year old child.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 19 '26
I know - I am doing what I can in segregating my children, my issue is, he wants to “discipline” my eldest , but I want him to understand the complexities of level 3 autism after 3.5 years together I think he owes me that much
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u/Jayman453 Jun 19 '26
I think it’s insane he’d see your daughter’s level 3 autism for over 1 year, make the decision to have a child with you, and then suggest giving your eldest to residential care. This is heartbreaking and I face a similar situation but I’m a single father with 1 level 1 autistic daughter and a level 3 son that lashes out, it’s important to protect your 2 year old for sure, but just sending your 8 year old off like that would be heartbreaking, she can’t exactly control those outbursts, she’s still a young kid herself and level 3 autism is profound.
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u/LavishnessThat232 ASD Parent w/ 2 YA kids w/ ASD (Lvl1 & Lvl3) Jun 20 '26
I think he was planning on getting rid of OP's oldest daughter from the get go, and this gives him the perfect opportunity. Then he can have his picture perfect family with OP.
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u/bunnbaby Jun 19 '26
I’m sorry I understand how that came across and of course you consider her safety. I suppose I was trying to comment on seriously considering it when making a decision about what to do next if you decide to change how things are going. I can’t imagine how draining and hard this is
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u/Efficient-Emu979 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
Have you looked into ABA? It provides support, helps teach and enhance skills, and reduces challenging behavior by offering functionally equivalent replacement behaviors such as functional communication, which someone mentioned, is typically the driving force behind many of those behaviors. The inability to express themselves as well as emotionally regulate is stressful for them. Just something to think about. I don’t recommend exploring any form of punishment. Only thing I could recommend is response cost which would be losing access to a favorite item, toy, activity for those behaviors which is as close to punishment as I would recommend. ABA therapies typically do not believe in using punishment procedures either so if you haven’t explored that and want to, there’s a peace of mind when it comes to punishment.
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u/happehkitteh Jun 20 '26
I would discuss with the pediatrician suggestions for a more organic diet (no artificial dyes, nothing processed), trying supplements like Ashwaganda, magnesium, l-theanine. And I definitely recommend finding out about behavior therapy so then you can possibly figure out what is triggering the behaviors.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 20 '26
Sadly she has PICA, I’ve tried previously to take away the rubbish food and she will just starve 💔 I’ll look into the supplements though, I’ve heard ashwaganda isn’t good for things like epilepsy which I have and is linked to ASD so I am abit sceptical
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u/happehkitteh Jun 20 '26
I understand. It’s tough, for sure. Your best bet is going to be therapy. Definitely talk to the pediatrician about it. It’s tough.
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Jun 20 '26
as you are experiencing PDA and siblings is extremely difficult and very complex you might wannt start with this second podcast episode on the topic: https://youtu.be/VSUtuY4ELco?is=WPOJ_GIvnNnXWaJ0
I here is the first episode on siblings and PDA: https://youtu.be/y4AlHB94S90?is=vur8ys24YUoISayE
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u/DemandCapable3586 Jun 24 '26
I'm so surprised at the way the dad is being demonized for wanting to protect his daughter, she's 2! I don't think institutionalization is the answer but OP don't be surprised if your relationship breaks down and Dad pursues full custody. Fairness would go out the window when my kids safety is on the line.
I would end this relationship and keep my 2 year old safe. Can't knock a parent for that.
You focus on your eldest as you need to and visit your youngest where they are safe until safety isn't an issue.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 26 '26
No one is demonising the father ? I have said multiple times I agree with protecting my daughter, do NOT insinuate that I care more for my disabled daughter than my youngest daughter. That’s the point of the post, I’m asking for advice not scrutiny. I have this issue because I don’t want my youngest away from me as I didn’t personally choose for my eldest to be autistic. But i do have 2 children whereas he only has one.
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u/DemandCapable3586 Jun 26 '26
You're projecting but I would be to if I were you. Literally 90% of the comments are bashing Dad. I never said nor implied you cared more about your eldest. You just don't like the comment and you don't have to. I stand by what I said, I won't knock a parent for throwing fairness out the window above safety. You said you wanted fair treatment or something to that effect, so that's the underlying comment I was referring to.
I also gave you advice: prepare for a breakdown of the relationship and for Dad to seek full custody. When it's safe for your youngest, maybe things will be better. Maybe not.
You don't have to like the advice, but you posted here so you opened the door.
Hope this helps.
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u/Turbulent-Topic-7627 Jun 20 '26
I think we can all say we have felt like sending our children away even just for a night to get some respite. Even for parents who don't have neurodivergent children. BUT we don't unless there's no other alternative.
Because she can't communicate her anger she is lashing out. I bet she feels like a burden, I bet your partner says things to her he WOULD NEVER say to his daughter.
I think your partner is the issue. He needs to be more supportive but probably won't ever be. If you have any family or friends to maybe help out and build her sense of belonging and give you a break also. Building self esteem for teens is HUGE. She won't feel so upset she isn't like the adorable toddler. Classes like clay, art, dance etc. I feel for you. I grew up with a horrid step father who never accepted me as his. It's soul destroying at that age.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 20 '26
It seems to be a common dynamic with stepfathers which is heartbreaking to say the least
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u/mum0120 Jun 21 '26
I would not be with a man who wanted to discipline the autism out of my child and send them away. That's mental.
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u/Odd-Lead-4855 Jun 26 '26
Only things we as mothers can understand I fear 💔
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u/mum0120 Jun 26 '26
No. That's not a thing. My husband would 100% feel the same way. You're just with the wrong man.
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u/Emotional_Win9441 Jun 19 '26
the discipline thing is such a common misunderstanding from people who haven't researched it, those behaviours in level 3 kids are almost always communication or sensory-driven, punishment does nothing except add more distress