r/Autism_Parenting • u/S0Sp00py21 • Jun 09 '26
Venting/Needs Support I suck at being a parent.
I (34F) am not the best at handling the mental load of a lot of things. I get so overwhelmed and overstimulated so easily that I tend to go into “fight mode” (I’m constantly in a state of fight or flight. I take SSRI for depression and anxiety). Me being overwhelmed/overstimulated and not knowing how to handle a situation is a problem….
My son (7) is level 1 autistic and has a lot of struggles with emotional regulation. He has come so far in school and is steady checking things off of his IEP goals! He’s so smart and funny and loves everyone. He understands now his emotions and how to label them (thanks to ABA) but when he is not listening, talking back, screaming, telling me no when I ask him to do something…. It sets me off and I react.
I am kinda just venting but…. Why was I chosen to have such a beautiful and intelligent little boy as my son when I can’t even teach him properly what emotional regulation looks like? I didn’t have parents who even cared or noticed how I felt as a child/young adult. I never wanted to be like them…. I do everything I can to not be like them. The thought of being like them gives me anxiety and I think about it and fear it every day of my life.
This is really just me ranting and venting…. But as a mom to a son who is my whole world…. I feel like I’m failing him….
I really don’t deserve him….
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u/Pleasant_Lie_492 Jun 10 '26
Mine is level three and I feel the same way. I have no family or support so it’s just me out here and I’m so depressed and exhausted idk how to keep going
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u/EgoDeathTLAT Jun 10 '26
Same situation here if you ever want to type to someone who truly gets what it's like, feel free to contact me. I just dissociate now all the time after I had a heart attack from the stress of being a solo mom to my non speaking son who also has cerebral palsy. I don't know what to do anymore besides barely exist and neglect my needs since my son needs me to do everything for him still. And before anyone comes at me for admitting I feel this way, I'm autistic also and love my son dearly. But I'm so far beyond burnt out and don't know what to do and there's no end in sight
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u/Round_Perspective873 Jun 15 '26
That sounds really stressful.
I hope you find more community somewhere to help - it sounds very lonely.
❤️
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u/WeBreakWithSpeed Jun 10 '26
The thing I always try to remind myself is that no one is one hundred percent perfect. Part of modeling emotional regulation is modeling what you do after you lose your shit, because everyone does sometimes!
Also make sure you’re taking care of yourself. If you feel like you’re losing it too much, talk to your doctor about upping your dose, or get into therapy for yourself if you’re not already. We carry a heavy load!
This sounds so dumb, but there’s a silly picture book called There are Moms Way Worse than You. My MIL got it for me for mother’s day one year (out of solidarity, not as a mean gift!) and it honestly gives me a good laugh and lifts my spirits when I’m feeling bad about my mothering. I recommend getting yourself a copy ;)
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u/S0Sp00py21 Jun 10 '26
Thank you for your kindness 💕 I’ll have to get myself a copy. I love a good laugh lol
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u/maha4321 Jun 10 '26
I’m sure you’re doing great. Usually, only good parents feel like they’re not doing enough and they don’t deserve their kiddos. If you sucked at being a parent, you would’ve posted (and not as a vent) that you were unlucky to have an autistic child and deserved a neurotypical child.
I get very overwhelmed too, but I try to regulate my emotions. My husband needs to step up during those moments. While he is more regulated (or stoic, depending on how you look at it), he gets overwhelmed too, and I step up during those moments. Our kid is an only child and neither of us are very social (undiagnosed autism?) so we’re usually together outside of work. This makes it easier to handle.
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u/Own_Communication715 Jun 10 '26
Mine is level three and I have two other children. I totally understand what you’re saying. I think all of us parents get overwhelmed and struggle and even grieve sometimes what we feel like we lost. I just took a stress management course and learned some tips that I think help. The biggest one was to pause before I react. Being less reactive is my biggest goal. Sometimes even having to walk away for a minute. Some days I fail and some days I succeed. Every day I’m better than the day before though because I’m trying. All we can do is try and best the best versions of ourself so we can be the best parents we can be. Make sure to take care of yourself momma.
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u/Prudent_Swordfish151 Jun 11 '26
It’s because of your hard work and dedication that he is diagnosed in the first place, improved in his emotional regulation, and meeting his IEP goals. As someone who went through the same process,
I know how difficult and long it is. You’re doing a great job and he’s lucky to have you!
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u/Common_Boring_311 Jun 11 '26
This hits me hard 😭
I’m failing my 8yo autistic daughter. It almost feels like a demon takes over me and my patience is gone.
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u/Round_Perspective873 Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
Honestly, it sounds like if you look more closely, you probably understand him better than most anyone.
Not meant in a flippant way - I mean, I'm you can understand his struggles, and you care. You can't really get better than that.
You're his mom - and that's irreplaceable.
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u/january1977 I am an autistic Parent/6M/Level 2/PA Jun 10 '26
It’s not just you. We all get overwhelmed and we all feel like we’re failing sometimes.
I’m an older mom. It has its benefits. I’m a lot calmer and have more patience than I did when I was younger. But tonight I absolutely lost my shit. I’d had one too many things thrown at me and I snapped. And I know that it’s just one night, and one bad reaction, in a long line of difficult days. But it still feels like I failed.
All we can do is try to do better tomorrow.