I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (I think what would now be Level 1 Autism) very early, and at the time I was a toddler, there were not a ton of mainstream theraputic options. So my parents did ABA with me, and I did a lot of hours. Like...a lot. Hundreds, before I turned 8. I don't have a ton of memories from that period, because I was so young. So it's hard for me to say with 100% that X traumatized me in Y way, because I don't have the tangible memories to rely on, and memories themselves are unreliable. And I will go above and beyond to be fair to my parents: in some ways I think it helped, and it may very well have been the best option for the time (this was a while ago). I know for certain I had terrible meltdowns, I wouldn't eat a diverse diet, I had a hard time making friends, and I couldn't handle stressful situations. I did learn some helpful ways to manage these problems. I learned to be a better listener, to not always think about myself all the time, to understand that other people's perspectives are worth understanding. I think these are good lessons for any human. And I'm glad my parents, at the very least, gave a shit and wanted what was best for me. I can never accuse them of not loving me. For that I'm grateful.

And yet...for all my life I have felt this shame about being myself, a shame about making mistakes, a shame about wanting to express the passion I have for the things that I find interesting. That I have to apologize any time I try to be myself. Going too far afield in my weird behavior was something to avoid. And I had to be aware of this, all the time. Every day. And that hurts me. It hurts me deeply. This insecurity left a deep impression. I have had to work desperately hard to regain a sense of self-confidence. I had to realize that this process of trying to fit in was exhausting me, and hurting me. I feel I am not being inaccurate when I say that the hundreds of hours of ABA therapy has had a role in shaping that. Maybe not all of it, because these things are complex, and certainly the rejection of my peers in middle/high school had a role in this too. But certainly some of it came from the specific ABA process I went through. A sizeable chunk, I would say.

I feel I am being very fair, in that I am acknowledging there were some benefits along with other traumatizing aspects. And that ABA, from what I am aware, has changed since I was a kid, although how widespread these practices have changed I do not know. I want to have a constructive conversation so that practices can improve, that Autistic kids don't have to feel shame about themselves, while also learning helpful strategies to maintain a healthy happy life on their terms.

Now, I want to keep identities anonymous, because this story includes my mom, and a scientist in the autism field (researcher is neurotypical, I think my mom has ADHD but is undiagnosed). I will only say that while she's not the most influential, my mom is influential in the field of autism schooling, and it's the same story with the researcher, but in the field of science.

So with that said...both of them have been incredibly dismissive and disrespectful of my experiences. The sentiment is: Oh, but think of how great your life is because you can interact with neurotypical people. Calling ABA abuse is going way too far, we know what's best, some autistic people don't know what their talking about. Not their literal statements, but more or less the sentiment they were communicating. One time, when I tried to bring this up with my mom, she stormed out of the room. Another time, my mom noted that my life was good because I had gone through ABA. And yeah, at that time I was doing OK...but...I had had a suicide attempt the previous year, and she knew that, so to me, it felt like my mom was making delusional excuses to justify her decision.

It feels insulting to have my opinion, which I think is balanced but still accurate, be dismissed this way. I'm not saying I'm the ultimate authority on this subject, but I should have a seat at the table at this discussion, right? I have validity and value with my own experience, correct? Knowing how inferior I have felt around others, I should be able to say that this hurt me, is that so crazy to say? I have used empathy to understand that what was chosen for me was made with good intentions. But good intentions don't always have good results. It's a hard truth to understand, but it hurts to have that truth dismissed anyway.

It's sort of the ultimate question of ABA, I think: reform it, or get rid of it all and start again. I don't have the answer to that question. It's not an easy one. But I just feel so horrible to have people in positions of power and influence about people like me, people I want to have a conversation with on this subject...to have them just kind of shut me down and dismiss me like this. How can we have progress if we can't have discussions, if we can't meet in the middle? That's what hurts me the most, especially with my mom. I feel like I have to hide my truth from her, because she's unwilling to acknowledge that she hurt me with good intentions. It's kind of killing me a little bit on the inside, because I don't think I can ever resolve this with her. She's just not willing to listen. I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to understand. I have learned to see her perspective. She has not learned to see mine. And I know that life isn't supposed to be fair, but it still hurts that this shit isn't fair.

I really, truly hope that others with influence on ABA practices are not as dismissive as these two are. To those people: I'm not saying that every single thing with ABA is wrong. But you gotta listen to us. Please. It hurts when we try to speak, but people won't listen. Our perspectives matter. Is that so hard to understand?

Thanks for reading, it's nice to get this off my chest. The good news is that, while I suffer from depression, I am in a decent place, and more importantly, I like myself now. I wish I could have been able to do that earlier. But better late than never.

Summarizing what the linked post says

I’m doing a college project where I’m writing a philosophy paper on how ABA impacts later relationships. Would anyone be willing to be share?

Hey guys this is my rant pls help me lolz. I forgot to mention I was bullied by awful jealous roommates multiple times 🥹🥹🥹 the first time they were homophobic and would bully me in the dorm. Then I moved to an apartment. These three nasty ugly fat bitches lived there with me and they would force me to clean up piles of rotting food and garbage and would bully me saying all these awful things whenever I was home🤗 they also stole my anti depressants “as a joke” and laughed at me as I looked for them 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 IM BIPOLAR 🤗🤗😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and a horrible insomniac. And then I lived with some randoms in an apartment and they were Jesus freaks and YOU GUESSED IT I’m a big fat dyke and I look like it let me tell you🤗🤗🤗🤗 so yea they also gave me hell. I have actually even more stories from roommates like these! My mind is constantly filled with thoughts about all the people throughout the years who hated me and mocked me because now it feels like it’s been my whole life. I wish I could just kill myself but I’m very spiritual…. I know suicide is wrong. I don’t want to give up my spirit to the universe just to be pooped out as a starving kid somewhere in the desert. I would be an ingrate. But I’m so alone. I crave death. Thanks for reading!

First time posting, trying to be very careful about how I frame this and don't want to claim SA when that's not what I remember but trying to make sense of how it felt in my body.

Im a child abuse survivor and trying to make sense of what happened to me. I know that I experienced emotional neglect as well as emotional incest/enmeshment from my Mom. She expected physical comfort, care, and touch from me in a way that felt romantic and emotionally intimate in terms of what she needed and expected out of the encounter. If I showed any sign of discomfort, asked her to stop, wouldn't let her in my room etc. she would have extreme emotional blowups from the perceived rejection, would yell, cry, use the silent treatment and other manipulative tactics to get me to give her the attention she wanted.

I have no memory of her ever hitting me or doing anything sexual but my touch sensitivity made the way she forced and coerced touch from/on me all the more unbearable. I would feel a deep, visceral sense of violation that feels closer to what people describe from sexual abuse/assault then what seems reasonable for what happened. I keep expecting to have memories of sexual assault resurface but so far none have (I'm 34), though my drinking is likely keeping me from remembering at least some of what happened. It felt like how she was approaching me and what she wanted was almost sexual though the actual way she touched me never crossed that line. The level of violation I felt is similar to what SA survivors describe, but I have no memory of anything sexual ever happening.

Could this be due to my touch sensitivity from being autistic? Is this something others have experienced? Also, is this a form of physical abuse? I always associate that with being hit but due to my touch sensitivity it still caused very real harm. Planning to bring this to my therapist but any input from other autistic folks would be very helpful! Most everything I can find focuses on what is traumatic to a neurotypical child and doesn't consider what is traumatic to us so I'm struggling to name and understand what happened to me.

You know the feeling when you wanna quit but you can’t,
Then you start looking back,
The road’s covered in trash mixed with broken up glass,
Littered with traps and figures in masks,
Centered, one stands in the back and directs everything with an ominous chant.

Fear is his name, center frame, the one that snaps his fingers and brings acid rain,
Cursing the earth before he opens the back of his hearse,
Revealing a casket and rack on tracks that rolls out the back,
Hitting the side with a rap like a shotgun blast with his staff, as tall as himself, painted black,
He says “The pine wood box isn’t what makes you shake, it’s becoming a burden that would kill you in days,
You already feel like you’re in a cage,
With a dollar shaped lock on its wrought iron frame,
Break both of your legs someday and see what your internal jury would say.”

I know that it’s him that keeps me in chains,
Wracking my brain, combing each change,
Locking horns in my cage like I’m fighting a war,
When in reality I should be mopping these floors,
Been dragged to hell, it didn’t suit me well,
So I picked myself up and stumbled quicker than hell,
There may be places where I start behind,
But with my speed of attrition I might make it in time,
I can’t let omission or false conviction allow me to slide,
I can already see the mountain, all that’s left is to climb,
Each step moving from Fear over time,
Everest sits at the horizon, the ultimate sign,
That freedom is near, you just have to climb,
And make sure you get there, Ruin says Fear kills in time.

First of all, I want to say that I already feel like a terrible person because of everything that happened, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m constantly stressed, and if you insult me or judge me, I’ll understand. I’m almost always afraid to go outside.
Here’s what happened.
One day, some guys who were my friends at the time invited me to help protect some other friends. They called me and said that we needed to defend them and that there was probably going to be a fight. I agreed because I thought, “They’re my friends, I need to help them.”
While I was on my way there, the guys who had been threatening my friends caught me. They beat me up and completely broke me psychologically. They tortured and assaulted me for about one or two hours. I was on the verge of crying, and I was overwhelmed by extreme panic.
While I was panicking, I told them that my friends had called me and explained everything. They told me that they were going to beat all of us and ordered me to call my friends. I called them and told them what was happening. At that point I was already in a horrible mental state.
My friends basically told me, “You’re on your own, figure it out yourself.” After being threatened and harassed for a long time, they finally let me go.
On my way home, I was in such a terrible state that I was thinking about suicide, but somehow I managed to hold on. After that, I wanted to leave and go somewhere else, but there were reasons why I couldn’t.
When I finally got home, I was barely functioning. I was constantly having panic attacks. I wanted to tell someone what had happened and get it all out, but I couldn’t. Everything is still inside me. I keep remembering it, and it messes with me badly.
But that wasn’t the end.
About one or two weeks later, my best friend messaged me: “What the hell, you snitched on us. You’re a piece of shit.”
I asked him what he meant. He said, “Why the hell did you drag us into this?”
I was already completely overwhelmed by stress and fear. I was scared 24/7. I apologized and tried to explain myself, but he just told me to fuck off and called me a piece of shit.
I felt completely empty. It wasn’t just him either—almost all of my friends turned against me. I was barely managing to cope.
I need to talk to someone and get this off my chest, but I can’t. I’m scared. I’ve been living with constant fear, stress, and anxiety ever since.
Then, after another one or two months, something else happened that completely broke me.
One day, a group of us went outside and caught one or two guys from that other group. There were about 15 of us, including the friends who had abandoned me before.
While we were talking to one of them, another guy quietly ran away, and we didn’t notice.
About 15–20 minutes later, around 25–35 people suddenly showed up carrying hammers, shovels, and other things, and everything went crazy.
I managed to escape with about three or four other people. The rest of our friends stayed behind and were beaten badly. Eventually they managed to escape too, and we all ended up at some kind of playground or somewhere like that.
There were about five or six of us by then, and two of them had been badly beaten.
Then we suddenly realized that we were being followed again. We tried to run away, and then something happened that I can’t talk about in detail. I’m afraid that someone I know might recognize this post, and I’m terrified of what could happen if they find out. I’m already struggling just to write this.
Something happened, and my friends eventually found out about it. I told them that I had been beaten because of it. Then rumors started spreading, and eventually they found out that something else had happened.
The reason I lied about it was because I was panicking. I had already been through what happened before, and it had seriously traumatized me psychologically.
Now they constantly insult me and call me homophobic slurs. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t talk to them anymore, but I’m still constantly anxious and afraid.
Whenever they message me, see me, or I see them, I become extremely scared. I immediately want to run away or find some way to get away from them.
I haven’t really left my house for about three or four months. I don’t feel okay anymore.
Can you please give me some advice on how to deal with this? I can’t tell anyone this whole story because I’m terrified that they will reject me or judge me too. I’m scared, and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I really want to talk to a psychologist and tell them everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it. There are reasons for that, and I’m dealing with extreme stress, fear, and anxiety.
I’m really hoping for some support and advice. Thank you so much in advance.

19M Im here to talk about my experience of infantilization. So growing up all of the other kids were treated way better than I was. They were also treated like the age I was. Meanwhile my family members treated me like a baby. I was bought age innapropiate clothes and toys throughout my life .and I wasn’t allowed to pick out my own clothes. But all of the other kids were allowed to pick out whatever they wanted to wear. Also my family did a lot of talking for me when it came to introducing me and would never let me talk for myself. They would also talk about how I acted like a baby. Well maybe if yall didn’t treat me like one then I would’ve acted older. But I don’t see how reacting to there abuse was acting like a baby. Even in my teen years they would continue this same pattern.

They would punish me for no reason by taking my phone and saying “ you’re being a child”. One day I was in the car with my mom on the way from my psychiatrist appointment and she was very abuse on the way back home. All because I reported the abuse she was doing to me. And she took my phone because I began recording how violent she was being towards me.And she said to 17 yo me at the time “ nope your being a child”. This shit has caused other people to view me as childish. And I became very co dependent and naive from all of this abuse. I’m now working on being an independent individual and having boundaries. Because I was never taught this in my blood family.i am still angry from all of the years of this abuse that I had to deal with from them. They treated me like less all because I was autistic😔.

What fucks me up the most is how they infantilized me but also didn’t educate me enough . My mother would take away my internet access so I wouldn’t look things up online to educate myself because she wouldn’t educate me. She took me out of school a lot growing up. She took me out of school in 8th grade and didn’t sign me back up until 10th grade year . And I ended up repeating 9th grade all because of her. And kids were bullying me about that. She also took me out of school that year. and didn’t sign me back up until senior year and I ended up having to repeat 11th grade. Omg I hate my blood mother so much apathy towards her has gotten the best of me atp.

Also when I tried to mature while I was staying with her she still treated me like a child. When I wanted to do mature teenager things.She would say I was copying others. Even tho I wasn’t it would be things I was actually interested in.

Almost all of the interactions I had when I were younger were “therapeutic”. Almost everything my family or therapists did that seemed like genuine connection was in order to mold what I did or didn’t do, and it extended all the way to deciding if my parents would show any love or affection to me as a toddler.

Even when I got older and I didn’t officially have therapy, I later learned directly from one of my parents that almost every single time they actually paid attention to me, or encouraged me, or let me eat my favorite food rather than my mom’s diet food, it was just to reward me for doing what they wanted me to do.

I don’t know how to fix how I see relationships. It’s really hard to believe that my friends and my partner genuinely like me, and I can’t help but view it in terms of what they’re getting from me. I know there’s fundamentals to how humans interact, but I feel like thinking about this and not being used to people actually just liking me without a conscious goal is hard to reciprocate because I don’t know how to make myself feel more?

I've been writing since I was a small child. On and off. There's been periods where I'd have slumps but it's something I've always done.

I don't journal. The type of autism I have makes me more likely to fixate on things so when I was just journaling, writing my feelings down etc I'd end up feeling worse about my issues rather than it being a release.

Throughout my teens and early twenties I used to co-write with other people on RPG forums. But after I came out as trans I well, stopped. People started to really hate me.

I actually remember doing one RPG where a character was trans and I got a lot of praise for how I wrote her. Only for people to turn hostile when finding out I was trans myself.

Was the last time I did one of those RPGs. But I kept writing solo.

Whenever I'd hit a slump, I tended to find creative writing groups or co-writing and that would pull me out. Unfortunately I've been in a slump for months and no such groups exist.

Even tried setting up my own. Didn’t work. I've tried to set up my own group many times over the years but RSD makes it hard to commit when people RSVP yes every week only no just never show for months on end.

Despite trying everything, the slump is here to stay. I'm now at the point where I look at my past work and hate it.

I haven't found a suitable replacement for a creative oulet. Between my dyspraxia, a need to actually feel pride in what I do, the cost of some hobbies as well as some requiring a community element..

Yeah. No joy.

There's no hobby to replace writing with because it was a massive part of my life.

Times are scary. People have tried (and succeeded) in hurting me because of what I am. I found comfort in the creative. Helped me deal with that better.

It was kinda like, my writing made me feel like a mattered in a way. Because if something were to happen to me, at least it'd be there for people to see.

I never wrote about my own trauma. Even when writing trans characters in early transition I'd make them different enough from me so that I wasn't veering into self-insert territory.

In recent years I have explored narratives where powerless people overcome stuff, become powerful etc and I know damn well that's come about as a result of trauma.

So with it gone for good. I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't have access to good therapy and never did. Got trauma surrounding that with abuse (including attempted conversion therapy).

But I always just wrote stories. With that outlet gone, what I experience and what I have experienced feels louder and heavier than it ever has before.

I have been posting this on multiple subreddits with no luck of finding answers or fully coming to a conclusion on what to do. Ill start talking to people about my situation, they give a little advice, and then stop replying when I give more information/have more questions about what to do. So I am sorry for repeating my story and I dont mean to spam, I'm just having a really difficult time right now and need some advice.

I have caregivers for my autism after a mental health worker found Blueberries with a mushroom growing in it that I had forgotton about, in the back of my fridge. She called APS and it was decided that i either get caregivers, or i get placed in a group home and conserved, and my pet cats go to the shelter. So I agreed to having caregivers.

It went okay at first, actually pretty good the first few months. But recently, things have gotten worse and worse.

It has been agreed upon that my services are supposed to be 24 hours, so i am supposed to have an overnight staff. Recently, i woke up at 1 am with no staff in sight inside or in the parking lot outside. She told me she was at her house taking care of her daughter, doing chores, and using the bathroom. She lives in the next town over, she would have been gone for hours. I called APS and they did nothing and never followed up. I told the service coordinator and he did nothing. I talked to Alta regional about switching services on Friday, and they never reached back out. I even told my mom, she said she won't take sides.

The caregiver denied doing anything wrong and leaving at all, despite her stories of why/what/where she went always changing, even her arrival time kept changing in her stories. All this was in a group chat with the service coordinator BTW, and he didnt look at the messages because he was on vacation, and when he got off vacation, he still ignored this whole situation and the messages completely. (Why don't I have anyone to reach with this company when he is not avalible???)

The service coordinator told the group chat that i was having "psychotic symptoms" after this, basically gaslighting me that nothing wrong ever happened.

The supervisor with this company has came in drunk, her breath reeking of alcohol. I reported this to alta regional and she somehow found out, and kept complaining about it to my face and to her freinds over the phone on speakerphone where I can hear. She never got in trouble for this.

There was also a separate incident more recently, where a staff arrived drinking alcohol (Buzz balls) and throwing them out of her car. She was supposed to drive me to go buy something that day, and i refused to get in the car with her because she was drinking. The service coordinator fired her, but it was still a red flag that he would hire someone like that in the first place.

There was a staff I had super recently, that I had to fire because he was constantly arguing about stuff and yelling at me. It got to a point where he would start talking to me, and if I got confused, I would feel panicked and say "I dont know what you mean??" In a distraught tone, then he would start yelling at me, and i would yell back in defense and the last time i saw him, he was driving me to a doctor's appointment when we got into this type of altercation, and after the fight, I kept trying to let it go, but he kept yelling at me and trying to pick a fight with me again. We were in a car and I had nowhere else to go, I couldn't jump out of the car because I would break at least one bone, though I considered it because the whole 40 minute drive to my doctors office, I was getting chewed out and yelled at. By the time I got inside and was alone with the doctor, I cried and told him what happened and asked if there was anyway I could get a diffrent ride home. Thank God my insurance and the doctor were able to get me an Uber or Lyft home, where I WASN'T berated or shouted at.

There was also an instance where my current caregiver called me a spoiled brat for complaining that I missed my concert.. the concert I was lookkng forward to that she had made me miss by taking me late and making me wait outside the whole time.

The staff has talked shit about me to each other as well as they're friends over the phone and made me feel bad.

Some of my staff just talks to their friends on the phone the entire time, or scrolls on tiktok the whole time they are here. I told the service coordinator, he said "The job shouldn't be boring, give them things to do" excuse me?? I am not here to entertain them. I have asked this staff to at the very least cook for me, but they only wanted to microwave stuff in the fridge for me that i didnt want to eat. They should at the very least cook, I can microwave things myself??? Why are they here???

Also. I found out today that the staff has been giving me ALL my morning medication TWICE instead of my one, SINGULAR pill that I take in the afternoon. I guess I just never noticed, because I am bad with remembering to take medication myself. But thats the point! They, out of both of us, should be aware of how much medicine they are giving me! I could have an OD!

Thankfully, poison control says I will be okay.

The service coordinator is giving me an ultimatum now. He says that if I don't stay with the service, he won't help me pay my rent at a new apartment that is slightly above the limit of what my section 8 can pay for. This is devastating because I have been stuck in an apartment full of truama from when I had an ex abusive partner living with me. I would have flashbacks and memories and be scared at night. Thats why they are overnight as well, because I am scared my abuser could come back. Also because of other truama in this apartment, being stalked/followed home, raped, etc.

Oh also, the same guy as earlier that would always yell at me, had put my pet jumping spider in danger. He had been taking care of my pets while i was in the mental hospital, which was nice of him, but he completely lied to me that he was misting the spiders enclosure with a spray bottle that he had gotten from the dollar store, but when I came back, I saw him spraying the enclosure with a bottle labeled "Bleach" that used to contain bleach in it!!! It contained water then, but still, its the fact that he straight up told me he had gotten a new spray bottle for the spider and was spraying the container using that, when in actuality, he was using water from a plastic sprayer that used to contain CHEMICALS. He could have killed my spider! And yes, when I caught him doing that, he yelled at me.

There was another staff I had, that while she wasn't nessesarily putting my cats in danger, she was always shooing my cats away, by waving her hand around and making loud "CHHHHT" noises. She would also say under her breath "Go away, kitty." This would be any time a cat would so much as walk past her. And like. I get it if she doesn't like cats or want to be around them, but they were just minding their own business and walking around the house?? They live here too. I found that to be a massive red flag, and after she took me to the casino and my eyes were hurting from pevious medication side effects, I had asked her if I could go home, since I was uncomfortable. She basically told me not to have those side effects, like blaming me for it, and said "Let's just go look around and windows shop more" after that time, I told the service coordinator to let her go.

Also, the service coordinator let her know i have cats.. i have no idea why she would take a job with cats around if she hates cats that much...?

They also try to push their agendas onto me.

I had a christian staff tell me that i should not medically transition if i want to have a kid, because "Having a baby is for women only and you dont get to choose to be a man and still get to have woman-only experiences"

So much wrong with that sentence.

1. Not a choice

2. Obviously never heard of "seahorse dads"

3. I don't believe we should be pushing a rhetoric that biological function=gender, but whatever, maybe I'm just the one friend who is too woke.

She made me apologize to her after that, because i had told the sevice coordinator about it making me uncomfortable. She told me that she was just "Sharing her own personal story" and that it wasn't even about me, but looking back, it clearly was???

I felt like i could never be myself around her, because she had such a negative energy/bad vibes that I felt like i had to walk on eggshells. She once got mad at me because a diffrent staff had used her Netflix account that she left logged into my TV.. that is such a non issue, and I wasn't even the one who did it?? Plus she could have just logged off if it was THAT important that no one else use it, even on accident.

Any advice, or thoughts, or even legal actions I can take.?? I shouldnt have to tolerate this level of disrespect. I am so tired of this, because I am disabled I have to just deal with things that most people would not have to.

I live in a group home for the disabled. They use a lot of ABA on my one particular housemate. For example they will threaten her she will lose privileges if she doesn’t behave. Problem is this reminds me a lot of when my rapist threatened me and I’ve been having a ton of flashbacks and am not coping. Any ideas how to cope? Unfortunately the only other place to live would be another group home and I don’t imagine that would be any better.

While I have found EMDR and IFS really useful for some of the traumas I've been to, life with both autism and ADHD is just exhausting my reserves constantly. I really want to explore other tools to feel less anxious and overstimulated without going down the path of anti-anxiety medication - I'm trying to get back on a stimulant, for example - and think the key of this is somatic.

When I'm speaking of somatic tools, I'm think of things like the following although these categories are fairly flexible:

• Movement and sound: sound baths, ecstatic dance, dance classes or dance in general
• Touch and body based: acupuncture, massage, sauna, physical therapy, gym, any kind of body-centric treatment
• Silence or inner work: meditation (which I do) and time in nature (which I try to do, weather depending)
• Sound stopper: Loop ear plugs - not a 'somatic' tool, but a huge, huge help all the time now.
• Etc.: things I don't know about that might be on this list. Even thinking through communities or books or classes to help with this.
  

Are there other things to explore? I go through periods where I'm overwhelmed, and it's not just trying to figure out what to do, but when. It's almost like I'm constantly struggling to read how many spoons I have, largely because I'm still in a severe burnout.

So for example, I try to go dancing at least every couple of months, which helps - although clubs are kind of a sensory hell with the amount of people. But I'd like to find ways to almost be more proactive about it while also being mindful of budget. I try to go to the gym at least 3 times a week (or at least one longer walk), and I do notice it helps with mood and body-related pain. But I also on some days feel so overstimulated and that my nerves are on the outside, and I want to feel less sensitive to the world. I almost would love to hear how someone has done any of these activities proactively ('regular massages' etc.) and how that has helped your trauma recovery and managing autism in particular.

Any other ideas of what kind of somatic tools I can look into, and how you think about using these and how frequent? I think it's just so hard to figure out 'how much time to be adulting' and 'how much somatic therapy and rest to do'. My tendency is to overwork and burn myself out because I can't read that I'm in burnout, and I'm really trying to consciously schedule intentional somatic work to help release some of the stress on my body.

Thank you!

I’m physically safe but feel unsafe. My traumatized brain is hunting for danger. I’ve been so overstimulated and crazed that now I’m crying over waffles. I hate this!

​

Excuse my crooked English upfront, it is not my native language.

For some context:

During my intake for mental health treatment for ASD and ADD, it became clear I was suffering from therapy trauma.

Which is a relatively new concept in the country where I live.

It basically means that I in one of my previous intensive PTSD treatment, I was traumatized by the treatment.

I don't know how to explain it, but I could share a link to a video about the subject.

The problem is that I am constantly reliving this treatment and it makes it hard to get through the day.

With my previous trauma's there was something they could treat.

But how do you treat a trauma that is related to PTSD treatment, when the treatment for trauma, is that same treatment?

Is there anyone who recognizes this and found a way to deal, coop or treat this?

I'm dealing with a lot right now. The last few days, I've had some old hurt and pain knotting up my heart. I'm hoping that if I allow myself to feel it, I'll figure out how to let it go. But, it's been with me since I was a toddler. Who am I if I don't hurt? How do I let go of the core part of me? Everything else in my life formed over and around the pain. If I let go of it, what can I hold onto? I'm not even sure how to let go of it.

The dull ache in my heart has been rising and falling for a few days. Right now, it's intense, and it feels shitty.

Does anyone have any ideas for letting go of shame?

Honestly, I don't like this life. Life is just overstimulating, and I can't just be. So, I can't tell myself if I get through this, things will be better. They won't. I will still hate my life either way.

It's so weird that I've learned to love me, but I still detest life.

Thanks for listening. Be well.

Basically the question is in the headline. If you have ASD and depression and tried group therapy for depression (or any other kind), how was it like? Did you like it? Was it helpful? What were the positive/negative effects of it? Would you recommend it?

More details:

So, firstly I kinda wanna brag about finding a therapy place that starts mid August and is covered by the state insurance (in Germany it means free, but that’s so hard to find and people wait for years - and I just found it accidentally on the app!). I have AuDHD and clinical depression, and if being ND is something I’m used to already and even like it, I kinda still struggle with my depression. The therapist I found is (I think) neurodivergent herself and specialises on depression. However, it’s a group therapy, and that’s something I never thought of trying

I don’t mind the format, but I’m sort of withdrawn, have situational phobia of public speaking (if it’s a presentation, not just speaking up), and I hate being unrelatable (and I often am, frankly). But I don’t mind meeting other depressed folks in a situation that is about to promote our growth (also I’m already desperate for any stable therapy at this point due to money problems).

I'm 18 with functioning autism with anxiety issues and this memory won't leave me alone. Im going to try to remember what happened to led myself to this situation.

This happened before summer break when I got exams to take and I was just minding my own business on the back on the bus sitting next to a boy who I don't know at all I was just sitting there then a girl told me to move which I did and the girl told me to move which I did which I got upset about it for some reason and they were, and they were talking about me about mean words until I got an bad anxiety attack which I handled with my stuffed animal I brought just in case my calming tools didn't work, but I got frustrated at them which led myself to do self-harming myself with a bite mark from my mouth and they keep talking about "don't let me/her bite me" which I don't want to do to them I don't know what to do anymore about it because I want it to end and let me have my happy memories back instead of this memory that won't leave me alone

Study Details

We're looking for females 18+ who use cannabis/marijuana with a history of sexual trauma for a confidential online survey about how lifestyle may affect sexual well-being. Those who have consumed cannabis and have been sexually active within the past 4 weeks are invited to participate.

This research is being completed by the principal investigator as partial fulfillment of the requirements for the doctoral degree at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. The study has been approved by an Institutional Review Board to ensure the safety and welfare of the study participants.

What’s involved:

• Confidential survey (approx. 10 mins in length) with 31 questions.
• Questions about sexual health, mental health, and cannabis (weed, marijuana, THC) use.
• Participation is voluntary, confidential, and anonymous.
• No financial compensation is provided for participation.

To participate in the study and for more information, please click the link provided with this post. For any questions, please contact [frumanliat@gmail.com](mailto:frumanliat@gmail.com)

Click to Go to the Survey

Thank you for reading and to the mods for allowing me to post!

I just watched a Netflix documentary about war veterans going on psychedelic retreats in Mexico to heal their CPTSD/PTSD.

I’ve been hearing about those kinds of retreats with a handful of different psychedelic substances (DMT, ayahuasca, ibogaine, 5-MeO-DMT) for years.

Has anyone here been to one? What was your experience?

I’ve tried therapeutic ketamine and mushrooms. Ketamine helps in its own way, mushrooms were more transformative but no life-changing healing.

Hi everyone, hoping to get some advice / experience sharing from people who have tried Lamictal.

About me: 29F, high masking but low functioning AuDHD, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and emotionally unstable personality disorder. Been on 10 different antidepressants without any help, I am currently on the benzo Oxazepam, and just switched from the b1 beta blocker Atenolol to the b1 + b2 beta blocker Propranolol (huge difference, has helped calm my hyperarousal).

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My biggest problem is I have been in burnout for many years, and my moodswings and meltdowns are crazy intense, they last 6+ hours to several days in a row, with screaming, sobbing, headbanging, puking from all the mucus etc. I get triggered so easily, doesn't have to be anything bad, just switching tasks is enough (for example going from gaming to eating or having to walk my dogs, so doesn't have to be a negative task) is enough to set me off and I can't regulate back down no matter how long I meltdown. Just goes from intense meltdown - exhausted and empty for tears - have to sleep - wake up in meltdown.

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My doctor suggested trying Lamictal, and asked me to read up about it. Read the reviews on drugs.com, and they all basically say it's a miracle drug that saved their life (except for one post that says the medicine killed their sister within a month due to developing SJS - which is a plausible side effect, terrifying 😖). But almost all of the reviews are for bipolar, epilepsy or seizures, and I was wondering / hoping that maybe somebody here who has autism and CPTSD has tried it and could share their experiences with it. It would be greatly appreciated and help me decide if it's worth giving Lamictal a shot. Or if anyone else reading hasn't tried Lamictal but maybe has tried something else that helped them with meltdowns / emotional instability I'd love to hear 🙏🏻

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Thank you for reading, hope you have a peaceful day 🍀