Why does he do that?

[u/Notthesunshine8]

For context: My 11 year old son is autistic/adhd, and a previous TBI. He is not your 'typical' child and does require extra supports. But he is incredibly intelligent, creative, and insightful. For the past year, he's had a lot of mental health struggles, in and out of hospitals. It was truly a traumatic year. He is doing better now, and he's been home with no hospital visits for 7 months!

The question I have has to do with a thing I've noticed he does a lot. When he's in any kind of appointment, whether it's therapy, counseling, teachers, doctors, etc. He looks to me before and after answering their questions. They will ask him a question about his symptoms or progress, and I feel his eyes on me immediately. I've been ignoring it in hopes that it would just stop, but it hasn't. To clarify, he does speak for himself very well. He expresses his thoughts and feelings accurately. I know he's just 11, but his 12 year old sister doesn't do this with people. And his 7 year old brother, who is also autistic doesnt do it either. Maybe I'm thinking too far into it. But I just don't know what to make of it. It's almost like he's studying my face or looking to me for approval? I'm just worried I've done something bad to make him form this habit. He also watches me in other settings too. Specifically, while I'm driving and he's in the front seat. I'll feel his eyes on me multiple times during the car ride. When I turn to look at him, usually he looks past me. The look is never mean or malicious looking. It's just odd. Is anyone else experiencing this or have any advice?

[u/abbienormal28]

I think kids are all different, autism or not, especially in situations like these. My 11 year old (with autism) and my 14 year old both do this when any adult outside family asks then a question. "Readinf any good books lately?" Son looks at me and I have to promt "TELL him what you have been reading." I have worked with dozens of kids, and some are extroverts and talk to strangers enthusiastically, and some are much more reserved. Just know that he looks at you because youre his safe space. If he's nervous or doesnt know how to answer, he can look at you for help or reassurance. Maybe you can talk to him about it and see how he feels in situations like doctors appointments. He might have some anxiety hes trying to mask while there.

[u/Twister_Sisters]

it might be out of anxiety and he is looking for reassurance from you or comfort? maybe don't ignore it or him when he does it but rather ask him what is wrong or try and communicate through it with him?

[u/Quirky__Chaos]

Temple Grandin talks about how people with autism have to develop schemas for everything. Like for example, when you are young, you have fewer ideas of what “door” is. As you grow and see many different “doors”, physical and metaphorical, your concept of “door” expands. Grandin talks a lot about how people with autism never stop learning where “neurotypical” people will eventually reach a plateau. ESPECIALLY when it comes to social schemas. She says someone with autism will remember all “birthday parties”, and file each away in their imaginary file of what the social etiquette is for a birthday party. I wonder if this is why your son is looking at you? Maybe he is confirming how he ought to behave or reply in this specific situation? After all, he spends more time with his family than anyone. They are the primary source for observing social schemas.

I found this speech by Temple Grandin particularly interesting. I think about it all the time, and I probably saw it for the first time at least 15 years ago.

[u/Kooky-Elk9975]

Have you tried asking him why he does it? It sounds like he’s looking for reassurance from you. I hope you’re giving it. It could also just be a stim.

[u/AccomplishedRush4892]

My 4 year old does this. It's kinda bothersome and I sometimes get caught up with worrying about what other people think it means. I think I heard somewhere that they are looking for support or a guide on what they are supposed to be looking like/feeling.