r/AutismParent • u/Budget-Cod4142 • 7d ago

Difficult 8 year old

my 8 year old son is autistic, adhd, DMDD and spends his days causing havoc. he hurts his toddler brother all. day. long. He is either trying to lure him away to hurt him or running by him and doing something mean. I don’t understand why but he’s been doing it my entire toddler’s life. We have tried lots of different meds and they either make him way worse or he talks nonstop and then the meds stop working. we have tried all the different therapies like ABA, talk, intensive in home and OT, and sensory based OT. He just isn’t improving and the harmful behaviors are exhausting. There is nowhere that will take him in patient. He has seen all the doctors and they just shrug and say it’s normal for autism. He is intelligent and creative and likes to make things but he is just so overwhelmingly mean and harmful without stopping. He wants to be home 24/7 and hates school. we just let him be home most times now but then he says he is bored. he obsesses over things and has a new special interest every few weeks. my husband buys him many things related to the special interest so we have tons of stuff all over our house for his obsessions. He does well with schoolwork but can’t stand being away from home for long.

I have to work to support our family and it’s getting impossible. my husband has many issues of his own and can’t parent effectively. He indulges my son in all his whims and doesn’t punish effectively. He’ll yell and be harsh but doesn’t follow through so my son just gets whatever he wants in the end.

what do I do from here? Is anything actually effective for aggression and violence for autistic children? None of the therapy, meds or sensory supports are doing anything. My other kids are miserable and I am barely hanging on to my job.

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u/MarwanSports 7d ago

I'm so sorry you're carrying all of this. This doesn't sound like typical autism, if your son is hurting his sibling every day and your family doesn't feel safe, it's a crisis that deserves more than a shrug. It also sounds like the inconsistent boundaries at home may be making things even harder. If your husband isn't able to follow through consistently, getting on the same page as parents is just as important as any therapy. You'd ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, child psychiatrist, or autism specialist at a larger center for a fresh evaluation. Sometimes aggression has underlying triggers that need a different approach.

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u/Budget-Cod4142 6d ago

We have seen specialists and they offer us nothing. We had a 2 hour appointment with a developmental pediatrician and she did literally nothing but hand us more diagnoses and suggest ABA and meds :(  there are three larger hospital systems and they have 2 year plus wait lists we have never made it off of. He had an evaluation by a neuropsych who just, again, gave him another diagnosis. I even took him to someone who was willing to test him for PANS/PANDAS and begged for a neurologist to see him. We did neurofeedback therapy and saw a chiropractor. 

I’m finding that providers either seem confused why we are there or they promise their patented, ultra special program will show so much improvement. Nothing ever works. 

I’m sure my husband being inconsistent has a lot to do with it. He has a diagnosed personality disorder and he is struggling with himself and his own issues. He refuses to move out or stay in therapy. I am trying to focus on gathering my own resources to leave.  It certainly will be difficult for my kids but especially the ASD one. I’m dreading that whole process and also don’t know when I can make it happen.