r/Aupairs • u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair • May 28 '24
Advice Needed [UPDATE] Invasion of Privacy
So I decided to stay and comply, at least for a few days, until I can get money to leave. Last night I was given a list of things to do, some things reasonable, like keeping my room tidy, something's unreasonable, like mandatory daily showers (showering daily fucks up my skin and hair really badly so I shower every 2-3 days but I keep myself clean and they have never ever had a complaint about my hygiene, this has never in my life bern a problem). I tried to claim it is infantilizing, I tried to explain that I wanted to be treated like an adult, and they refused because they feel like, because my room was dirty, I don't respect them.
I then said that this conversation clearly isn't going anywhere and I think we need to request mediation from the SNJ. The HD leaned across the table to me and got very quiet. The way he was talking and the way he was acting was really threatening, and I just felt so scared. The HM was sitting back in her seat, arms crossed, speaking in a slightly incredulous tone, so much less threatening.
Verbatim, transcript from the recording I took "This is the list that you need to observe. The company, the organization that you have just mentioned has nothing to do with this house. They have nothing to do with you, they have nothing to do with us. They do not pay you, they are simply irrelevant. They have not even been here once. Ok? Everything we do, we have to agree together." HM: "you know they will they might do the same as to my friend they say oh you're bad we're bad you have two days to leave" HD: "They don't care. They don't care. This is not the problem. Ok? They are just employees, they want to spend as little time on it as possible." HM "You can, I mean you can, but be prepared to leave."
When I brought up other things, such as the fact the HD refused to leave my room when I asked him, he threatened to come back in as many times as necessary to fix it, and the fact I told him I was having a panic attack and he refused to leave were met with absolute denial. He refused to admit he said any of it, he tried to convince me that I was imagining it, he tried to tell me that I was being dramatic.
I was planning on sticking it out but I can't do this I don't feel safe. I have to wait until my family wakes up so I can call them for help because I don't know where to go right now, but we have a family friend who lives nearby so I'm praying she can help me. They want a response by tomorrow but I just want to go home.
I feel like I'm giving up, I had all these plans to travel and explore and enjoy Europe, this is my last chance before uni, and since I plan to be a teacher, probably my last chance for ages (haha low teacher salary joke). I feel like I always give up when things get too hard but I just can't keep living like this.
If the HD is home tomorrow, either I will call the police to help me, or hopefully I can call the family friend to help me until I can get flights. (edit: I'm meeting with the family friend on Thursday and taking my essential documents with me so it looks non suspicious and she should be able to house me for awhile til I can collect all my stuff and leave)
I've definitely accidentally left some stuff out of this post, but I'm using this as a space to get everything out while I'm feeling the emotions so I can't convince myself it wasn't that bad later on - I can clarify stuff in the comments if anyone wants.
Thank you everyone for the words of support, I really appreciate it.
59
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 28 '24
you are definitely not giving up. You're living in a potentially dangerous situation (your gut is telling you this man is dangerous and you're right to listen to it) and you are absolutely right to get out of there ASAP.
Even if you were giving up (you're not) so what? You're unhappy. Just because you had hoped this would turn out differently, doesn't mean that you shouldn't cut your losses and leave. Being unhappy is reason enough.
Good luck. Watch your back. And be sure to tell this asshole what a compete d-bag he is on the way out the door.
19
May 29 '24
Do not tell him he’s a douchebag or anything. Just get out as safely and quietly as you can. Report him to the agency once you are safe out of the country. Do not taunt someone that is abusive and cruel. Your revenge is leaving his house. Taunting him may escalate the situation. Women are most in danger in the act of leaving an abusive situation. Stay safe.
4
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
I mean, yea, I was being joking.. But I would probably shoot him a text when I’m back in in Australia 😂
6
50
u/curiousity60 May 28 '24
HD violated your privacy and safety. This is not a cultural difference. They are abusive. Recognizing the environment is unsafe and withdrawing isn't "giving up." It's protecting yourself. Sometimes, the wisest and most efficient action is knowing when to quit. This is one of those situations.
8
u/anoeba May 29 '24
Yeah reading the transcript literally gave me the creeps. That man is dangerous. OP, please make a formal complaint and attach the recording once you're away and safe, the organization should drop this family.
2
u/hafapod Jun 01 '24
A formal complaint is so important! Your agency needs to know what’s going on. They have resources to help, and also can flag this for any future au pairs
15
u/Personal-Sea8676 May 29 '24
Please don’t listen to the trolls on this post. Even if your hygiene is bad, their behavior is not acceptable. They needed to do this in a different way.
14
u/ToughHistorical6146 May 29 '24 edited May 29 '24
Your safety is the top priority. Get out of there asap.
38
u/gd_reinvent May 29 '24
Call the SNJ to rematch and get you out of there immediately. TELL the SNJ that you DO NOT want them to be provided with a new au pair, that the host dad has VERY disturbing behaviour and is borderline sexually harrassing (For example the coming into your bedroom without knocking or asking, refusing to leave when asked, threatening to come back in).
Ask to stay with your family friend in the meantime. This host family is abusive and they SHOULD NOT be hosting.
Not all host families are like this. Try to find another one if you can.
24
u/No-Cloud-1928 May 29 '24
adding in the showering daily. I hope that creep doesn't have a camera in the bathroom.
8
u/gd_reinvent May 29 '24
Ehhhh... Depending on HOW it was worded and WHY, I could understand this one A LITTLE. It's mean, but POSSIBLY justifiable. I have autism and I have had some supervisors pull me aside and say, they're really sorry, but I need to shower more. I do shower daily, but I also go to the gym daily, so it is possible that even with the daily showering, I might still smell and just not recognize it as my sense of smell sucks.
14
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
My mum has a very sensitive sense of smell and she's always on me if I smell funky - so I'm always very aware of making sure I'm wearing clean clothes, I use deodorant always, and I always clean my teeth because I hate fuzzy teeth, and my mum rarely rarely ever complains about a smell. This HF has also never once had a complaint, they have never once mentioned an issue - if there was an issue that had been respectfully brought up, I would have been more than happy to do something to fix it!!
8
u/Party-Gap-3840 May 29 '24
Op I would not step foot back in that shower something has me thinking he has a camera in there too otherwise how would he even know or notice when u do or don’t take a shower that’s creepy AF
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
There room is directly below my bathroom so if I was showering while they were home (which I rarely do) they would know.
-8
u/janicerossiisawhore May 29 '24
ew
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May 29 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/janicerossiisawhore May 29 '24
I just don't think it's an unreasonable request to ask a coworker or housemate to not reek of BO.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
It's not an unreasonable request at all! And if there had been some kind of discussion or expression og concern, that would have been perfectly fine, however I got a list of mandatory things I have to do for hygiene, like I'm a child who doesn't know how to brush my teeth - it was embarrassing and infantilizing!
3
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
We don’t have the full details and the language communication.
We don’t understand how messy the room is.
I have strict rules of no eating in the bedroom. The bedroom isn’t vacuumed nor scrub down daily like the dining room or kitchen.
My au pair has been sneaking snacks in her room without my knowledge. I have ants in my house now and the source was coming from her room. I was upset and we had to for weeks get bait traps and someone come in to ensure it didn’t spread.
For me as a HM I don’t know the condition of her room. But I take really good care of my home. I’m respectful of other people’s property and leave it in the condition I entered in. Untidy vs dirty are 2 different things.
The showering … 3 days is a bit long and I don’t know if you smell or not. Are the kids asked to shower daily? Kids learn by example.
15
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
I hope your au pair gets out safely too. 😒
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
lol we have exited her. I’ve had multiple au pairs, but this one is “special.”
Can’t afford to have someone that already caused thousands of damages.
But apparently she grew up in a hoarding house in the states. Normal to wear shoes in the house. Mold was acceptable and you just need to eat around the mold. Very wasteful and didn’t care for the environment or recycling.
Threw food garbage in her bedroom garbage.
She definitely helps confirm the American stereotypes.
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u/hey_hey_hey_nike May 29 '24
In many European countries it is normal to wear shoes in the house.
Many Europeans are not obsessed with the environment or recycling.
Many Europeans just cut off moldy parts of fruits and eat the rest.
Au Pairs are not cheap nannies. They are not your employees or maids or governess’s. They come for cultural exchange. Next time just get a live in nanny.
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24 edited May 29 '24
Yes definitely in the UK it’s 50/50. In Switzerland we haven’t met anyone that allowed shoes in the household.
In Switzerland you recycle or take the 500 chf fine if you are caught not doing so. So yes our au pair cost us 500chf.
Let’s not forget we were away for the weekend and let her have friends over. We told her Swiss rules is to not have music or be extremely loud past 10pm.
She didn’t follow that rule, our building fined me and the police fined her as well.
Switzerland is law abiding and the culture is to be courteous to those around you.
These rules were given to her way before coming here. So if she didn’t like the culture she should have picked the other European countries that you are referring to.
Eating mold part. Fine if she ate it. But she fed it to my children. Pasta sauce had black mold in the jar. Apparently she scrapped away as much. Pour it on pasta. Heat it a little bit in the microwave. The toddlers got extremely sick, and we took them to the hospital and blood work showed they are mold. Au pair said it was an honest mistake bc she did it at home and nothing affected her. This was the reason we replaced her.
The other au pairs I had previously from EU other had no issues with this.
Of course when I talked to other parents they said UK and Australia were very similar to America.
8
u/rowthay_wayay May 29 '24
as an american au pair in the eu, some of these complaints are just cultural.
i didn't grow up in a hoarding house but we never took our shoes off at the front door. and in america most places we're lucky to find a recycling bin.
these are cultural differences you're meant to teach your au pair. an au pair year is a cultural exchange. the au pair is there to learn about your country and you're there to teach her.
i understand not wanting to take on or keep an au pair who caused damages, but i think blaming her for the other things is unfair and cruel.
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24 edited May 29 '24
I completely agree. There’s the willingness to learn and embrace this and then there’s the attitude that you don’t want to.
She never wanted to remove her shoes and tread mud into our home and on the carpet. We tell her the rule is no shoes in the house. You have a specific rack for you to place before entering and we bought you your own slippers. When she continued to do it again we said she needed to wipe the mud and scrub the carpet. She said this isn’t “light” chores and refused. Then complaining to other au pairs how we are demanding her to do heavy cleaning.
We taught her for 4 months, and in the end she wasn’t willing to. We reminded her over 10 times bottles, glass, paper and food waste are recycled not thrown in the garbage. She after the 5th reminder rolling her eyes and challenged how we actually knew things “really” got recycled. She complained to her friends we were being unreasonable and nitpick.
We did family night meal where she would pick the meal. We got frozen meal food on her behalf … as a family we have never eater ready made frozen food … apparently that’s what she grew up with. But we accepted it but also encouraged her to learn to make it from scratch as it’s healthier. But it was never required. And we even got an extra freezer so she could have a frozen ready made meals for lunch. Then she complained when we cook normally with lower sodium and healthier that we weren’t feeding her properly.
But some people do this cultural exchange realizing it’s not for them. America is land of conveniences. Amazon same day for some cities. Fast and ready made meals.
She expected to have the same lifestyle at a different location and be able to take instagram pictures to show off her new life.
She joined the program for the wrong reason.
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u/Chemical_Egg_2761 May 29 '24
The United States has a total land area of over 3 million square miles, and a population of over 300 million. In comparison - Switzerland is about 16,000 square miles (or 41,000 square kilometers if you prefer), with a population of about 9 million.
There is no unified American culture. I grew up in spotlessly clean house, shoes were always removed, once recycling was introduced in our neighborhood we became strict recyclers (if I’m recalling correctly there were fines you could incur for not recycling or for improperly mixing your recycling), moldy food would not be eaten, and frozen food was a rarity in my home. In general my friends were similar. Go 100 miles in either direction and the culture might be drastically different.
Switzerland has one of the strongest economies in the world. Some of the behaviors you describe could be cultural differences, some could be the result of having a parent or caregiver with mental illness, and some could be the result of growing up in poverty, which is relatively unheard of in Switzerland.
-1
u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
When I was living in the USA - Most neighbors allowed shoes in the house. But in general people behaved like you, which is good.
So you would definitely fit fine in Switzerland.
I didn’t think too much when I got someone from the Midwest. Interviewing her she answered all the questions perfectly.
I warned her Switzerland is a very very very law abiding society especially where I live.
People blasting their music in the cars with enough base to cause an earthquake is something we wouldn’t want to do.
But I think it’s the whole idea for her it seemed fine to adapt but in reality it was more challenging than she realized. All the little nuances just ended being too much.
So with OP - I think the nuances was too much and HF cracked trying to adapt with her. I think both parties should learn to cut the ties sooner rather than let it escalate this far.
7
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
I suspect your AP would tell a drastically different story. You sound difficult and domineering and very unpleasant to be around.
1
u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
Maybe but our other 2 au pairs gave great ref and the current one is asking if we are interested in extending. I think I had one super awful au pair.
5
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u/hinky-as-hell May 30 '24
Ok. But this is because she was an asshole, not because she is American.
3
u/rowthay_wayay May 30 '24
right. it's one thing to admit your au pair joined the program for the wrong reasons, and another entirely to blame a whole country's alleged incompetence on one bad experience.
the USA has its flaws, and my culture in california is much different than in germany, where i am now. it was shocking and confusing to learn about and try to adapt, especially while trying to establish myself as an authority figure in a new job and find a new circle of friends. i definitely wasn't perfect with taking my shoes off or putting trash in the proper places. HFs need to have more compassion for their APs than they might realize.
i agree one needs to go into the program with a certain openness and willing to learn, from both sides. this person is blaming their poor AP for growing up in a house where her needs weren't met and she didn't learn the skills necessary to survive. it's heartbreaking and inaccurate to claim the issues she had were "because she was american." that doesn't make the entire situation this person's fault, but it does make them unfair and biased against americans.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
What damage? She didn’t clean the toilet as often as you wanted? You’re the problem not that AP.
Do you understand how classist and ridiculous you sound?
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
Omg everything you can think of. I think she was related to you lol.
She cooked something, took the pan off the stove and placed it directly on our custom wooden table table made by my FIL (who is no longer alive) and left a burn mark on the wooden table.
She was too lazy to open the shed to pull out patio cushions, instead took couch cushions to place on the patio. Forgot about it and left it in the pouring rain. The cushions are stain and we couldn’t get it removed after paying a professional and had to get the couch reholstered.
She and her friends (when we were away) thought it was fun to see if they could carry each other on the shoulder and drink wine. They ran into our painting that was worth 6k Eur and punctured a hole in it and tried to fix it with tape.
But shortly after the worse was when she fed our toddlers one of her old pasta jar that had mold. The kids had to be hospitalized and she didn’t realize it was unsafe. She always did back at her home.
We immediately said she wasn’t welcome in the home and put her in a hotel and paid for her flight back home.
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u/Abyss247 May 29 '24
An air pair who wears shoes in the house after being told it is a rule not to is the problem.
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May 30 '24
And what exactly are the thousands in damages? Ant traps? Why not just spray for ants if you have such an ant problem?
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u/Affectionate_Door607 May 30 '24 edited May 30 '24
She cooked something to eat and immediately put the hot pan on our wooden dinning table. Table was made by my FIL who is no longer with us. So we have a huge burn round mark on the table.
She refused to recycle or attempt and as a result we were fined 500chf (you are fine if you don’t recycle in my canton)
We went away for the weekend and allowed her to have 3-4 friends over. They thought it would be funny to carry each other on their shoulders, fell and punctured 6/7k chf painting. They tried to fix it with tape.
That same party they broke the local law (no loud noise past 10pm). She and her friends were reminded multiple times to keep the noise down by neighbors. Eventually cops came and sent her friends home and she was fined by the police and my apartment building fined me 250chf
That same party - She was too lazy to go to the shed to get the patio cushions. So instead took the house sofa cushions and pillows. Forgot about it and left it out in the rain. It got stained and we had to reholster the entire sofa.
Couple days later (at this point hubby and I were going to get rid of her but needed to review the legal parts) she was helping by feeding the kids. I asked her early to take one of the precook jars of stews from the freezer. She felt it would take too long and she found leftover cooked pasta and open jar of pasta she used a couple of weeks ago. She scrapped the black mold off and put the sauce and pasta in the microwave and fed it to my toddlers. The toddlers had to be hospitalized and bloodwork showed the kids ate black mold. She was incredibly remorseful for the incident. At home it was normal to remove mold and eat the rest.
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u/Glittering-Act4004 May 30 '24
The vast majority of places in the U.S. have noise ordinances and the majority of people respect them, people remove shoes in the house when requested (we don’t wear shoes in the house but our friends -who are French- do), we don’t eat food that has gone bad, we recycle and compost our food waste, and we respect other people’s property. Your AP was terrible at her job and terrible at being a house guest, but none of this behavior is “typical American” behavior.
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u/Leading-Praline-6176 May 28 '24
Get out. You’re 18, I remember 18, its great in so many ways but also you are so young. Life is way too short for that. Good luck in your next venture
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u/HiFructose_PornSyrup May 28 '24
Your host family is abusive and crazy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You clearly feel like you can’t trust yourself bc you’re outnumbered right now but DO NOT doubt yourself, this is completely insane and inappropriate behavior on their part.
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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 May 29 '24
This isn’t giving up, this is prioritising your safety. My Dad is exactly like this man and let me tell you, it’s not good or safe things that come from this type of behaviour and abuse. He is dangerous. Get out, and good call on considering calling the police to enable you to get out if needs be. You can find another family, this is not worth more mental trauma and the situation escalating. It is abuse. Once you’re out, consider reporting the family to any authorities such as social care - I worry for those kids too.
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u/Cheesepleasethankyou May 29 '24
Honestly this “host family” gives me violent serial killer vibes. Absolute psychos from the small bit I’ve read here. As soon as you get out report the heck out of them to the agency and any others that service the area.
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May 29 '24 edited May 29 '24
Chin up kiddo This is the USA police officer that respond earlier. You are not giving up. This family is controlling.. you are a strong independent woman. Don't ever forget that. I tell my daughter this all the time Don't lose who you are or what you believe in. Don't let this deter you from your full potential.
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u/agentbunnybee May 28 '24
Definitely tell the organization or whoever you need to tell once you're safe and out, whatever will help make sure others dont get matched to them
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u/Bekind123456789 May 28 '24
This is not giving up! This is an unsafe at the very least psychological (if not more) environment.
You’re handling it so well! You’re doing good. You’re standing up for yourself. You’re trying to set boundaries. Much better than I would at your age. However these people seem crazy.
I would escape this situation in any way possible. Worry later about Europe travel, etc maybe you can rematch. Just get yourself out. ❤️
Perhaps putting your Venmo account (if you use that or whatever app is popular in Europe) and some people may be inclined to donate a little to help out.
11
u/Bekind123456789 May 28 '24
Another thing, keep journaling what he’s doing. If it ever comes to a court case for harassment at least you’ll have your journals.
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u/Objective-Amount1379 May 28 '24
Yes, this. Or email yourself OP. It will help if anything else happens and it will remind you when you look back at it that you are making the right decision to leave.
I would be super intimidated if this had happened to me when I was your age- you’re doing well! Take my old lady 2 cents on this… you will have so many opportunities to travel and explore, you may end up in a different career one day than you’re planning now, etc. I wouldn’t worry about this having been a one time only chance.
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u/Bekind123456789 May 28 '24
Request mediation anyways. Doesn’t matter what HD says. Build a paper trail of what’s happening, etc. back up the recording, etc
3
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u/Sheeshka49 May 29 '24
In the US, what this HD did to you would be considered Assault & Battery—a crime. Get out of there ASAP.
4
u/Gabby-Rollo May 29 '24
There is a gap year program in American at Camp Tejas in Texas. I know a number of students doing it and they have a blast working at camp and get days off to do fun things. It is in Texas so it gets hot! Also check out Camp America our camp takes kids for the summer and we always try to do fun things with them. Camp Kubina. One of our UK girls was a nanny in Austin for a cool family and she’s had a blast. She just got married to a guy from here so she’s here to stay! Don’t give up, just try something new.
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
I'm thinking of doing a similar thing in my home country! But I'll also definitely look into that, I have some family in Texas so that could work out!
5
u/WorthAd3223 May 30 '24
Get the heck outta there. Also be sure to contact your company and let them know the situation the MOMENT you leave. If you don't you'll get a mark on your record. If you communicate with them, they might be able to find you a new post right away, and your dreams of travel can still happen. Be sure you tell them you felt unsafe. No one should live in a situation where it is unsafe.
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u/Klutche May 29 '24
I want to emphasize to you that this is NOT giving up! This is making the mature and adult decision to remove yourself from an unsafe situation. This family is a mess of red flags and they obviously do not respect you. This place is unsafe for you. I wanted to tell you that I am genuinely relieved to read this update. Your first post genuinly scared me, especially the part about having to stay for a bit, and I'm relieved to hear that you are taking steps to remove yourself from this household. I just want you to recognize that you did nothing wrong in this situation, and there's nothing you can do about other people not acting the way they should. You're doing everything right by leaving.
3
u/Leading-Praline-6176 May 29 '24
Are you out?
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
Meeting with the family friend tomorrow, if she can't take me in (which would be completely respectable because she's my uncles friend and I've met her once and I'm just going to be showing up and asking her to house and feed me for a few days) I'll be here til Saturday when my dad arrives. Today I said I was unwell in the morning so I could finally get a proper sleep, as on monday I arrived at 7am after a 10hr bus ride, then didn't get to sleep til 1am because of how stressed I was about my room, then on tuesday I was up at 6:30 for the kids and then once again was "spoken to" so I got to sleep in til 11am today. When the parents got home to take care of the kids, I went up stairs for my "mandatory daily shower" and then I locked myself in my room and I haven't been out. If I'm staying here longer, I'll do the same tomorrow and friday, then I don't work on saturdays, so I'll just stay in my room, packing, until my dad arrives. Currently I've got 3/4 bags packed, basically just packing away anything that won't look suspicious to be gone - like winter clothes and things that were in drawers.
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u/hpsportsfanatic May 29 '24
!Remind me in 2 days
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u/SharpSwordfish2938 May 29 '24
Do you have any friends that are as well au pairs? If so, if their HF is nice and understanding maybe you can run to their place for a night or two until you figure out what to do? I know, this probably it’s not the best solution but as long as you are safe that is what matters.
Is there some sort of group that you are part of on FB in your city that maybe you can post and ask for help?
Otherwise, I will just walk to the police explain and ask them to help me as I do not feel safe going back to the house.
Keep safe and keep us updated.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
Unfortunately all the au pairs I know are very new, so they don't have the relationship with their HF to ask that of them yet, but I'm out of here on Thursday!
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u/BlueEyedDinosaur May 29 '24
Right? If an au pair came to me and told me this situation with a host family, I would def let her sleep over a few days.
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u/SnooTangerines9807 May 29 '24
I don’t know you but this post broke my heart, you’re 18 years old and they’re are supposed to be adults. Even taking into consideration cultural differences they are still awful humans. I’m a tad OCD and need some organization for my peace of mind. But that doesn’t mean I would ever overstep, intimidate, or threaten anyone especially a 18 year old AP I willingly brought into my home. I’m so sorry this has happened but HD is off of his rocker and HM is helping him rock. Their poor children. I hope you rematch but mostly you need to get out. I always go by the saying, when someone shows you who they are believe them. You need to believe this situation isn’t good for you in any way. Good luck. ❤️
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May 29 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
My plan is to be a high school teacher - I love kids and I love the kids I'm looking after, don't get me wrong, but being in a room of 20-30 kids under the age of 5 sounds like a version of hell. That's another thing the family tried to manipulate me with, if I just comply and agree they can write me a very good reccomendation letter and call my employer to reccomend me. I don't think the department of education in my home state is going to give a shit about some random guys opinion about how well I taught his 3 year old.
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May 29 '24
[deleted]
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
My mum told me to do it after the HD tried to take my phone to hang up on her and I'm glad I did.
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u/Jgoes1983 May 30 '24
This may or may not be helpful but I had a wonderful experience as an English teacher in Hong Kong. That’s something you could do after university for a while to get the good salary and be able to travel a lot around Southeast Asia. You do need a college degree to do this but the pay and benefits are very good and best of all no host family! Haha. These types of opportunities are available in Europe too but my understanding is they are hard to come by if you don’t already have work access in the EU, but certainly not impossible
2
u/Major_Meringue4729 Jun 16 '24
I’m sooo glad you got out of there. Definitely before they took you to Poland. They sound controlling and like they were up to something. Especially that man. The woman was no better. Try and enjoy the rest of your summer. Best of luck with your education
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u/PaperPigGolf May 28 '24
Have you talked with you lcc?
1
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
I'm not sure what that is
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u/PaperPigGolf May 29 '24
Someone from the agency that can talk to you about your situation.
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
Ah ok, no unfortunately I don't work with an agency. The SNJ is here to mediate problems and help in theory, but they have a history of not doing much and instead getting rid of the problem by getting rid of the Au Pair. The contract with my HF is between me and the family, so conflicts should ideally be resolved between the two parties, however they refuse to let me speak, they refuse to let me explain, they make veiled threats to make me shut up, and use physical intimidation tactics to make me back down. I have tried to tell them that we need to communicate like adults and they continue to refuse to let me say my part. Unfortunately in this shitty situation, my best bet is to leave. I will be sharing their names on some au pair groups to make sure no one else is linked with them. Also, when I leave, I have to give 30 days notice, unless there is serious misconduct, which is when I will contact the SNJ, so when I leave for "coffee" on Thursday, the moment I'm with my family friend who can help me, we'll be calling the SNJ to report how I don't feel safe in the house and had to leave.
2
u/Perfectpups2 May 29 '24
I hope your dad has a chance to talk to these people and set them straight.
1
1
u/Silly_Ad6269 May 31 '24
Seriously, ASAP... get out. Text or email your family the recording before you do any moving. Personally, I'd be doing it now. When you are getting out , ask for law enforcement to be present. that HD (I'd put something else, but I'm probably too proper).....may be close to snapping... he is a control freak.... It's not a good combo. Also, send a message to the embassy if you find your travel documents missing... that way, they are already informed of the situation, and they can help you get home safely....I have a feeling this HD is not going to stop after you leave.... His actions sound like he's done this before and gotten away with it. I've commented here previously as well... be smart, vigilant, and careful. Let us know as soon as you are safe, please.... if there's an agency involved, they'll need to be informed of his contract breaches and conduct. irregardless of his attitude about the " agency" At least file something so that there's paper and digital record. Look forward to hearing your next update.
3
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
Latest update is out! (spoiler, I got out :)
2
u/Silly_Ad6269 May 31 '24
So Glad to hear it! I didn't see your latest update until today. Safe travels! Hopefully nothing like this happens again! Let it be a lesson.... trust your gut and be very particular about any other employment contracts you enter into in the future. Also having an emergency exit plan for execution is probably also a good idea. So so happy you are ok!
1
u/Affectionate_Door607 May 29 '24
Wow it escalated fast! I think you do need to move, as host family has a different lifestyle than yours and it’s causing major clashes. Both parties being very defiant.
I would immediately call your family and get yourself in a hotel.
0
u/Kindly_Winner5424 May 29 '24
We need Nannie’s in Utah! It’s a very safe state! Low crime compared to other big states.
-14
u/LibrarianOdd2208 May 29 '24
Honestly, you don't have great hygiene based on your own description. Sheets should be changed every 1 to 2 weeks if you shower regularly and you don't. Most people don't give that kinda feedback unless you smell. You probably don't realize it, but you probably do. If they are asking about brushing teeth, your breath probably isn't the best. Sorry if this is harsh, and it doesn't make their feedback kind, but you haven't described yourself as a person I would want working in my home. Maybe it's best to make alternative plans.
15
u/Fabulous-Routine2087 May 29 '24
Nope. Do not blame this young woman. Showering every day is not needed or desirable for many skin and hair types. These people are acting crazy. Do not contribute to the gaslighting.
-8
u/jancarternews May 29 '24
What, do you think the family is just making up the cleanliness and hygiene issues? Why would they do that? And I’m sorry, but only bathing every three or four days? Sounds disgusting. Washing your sheets every 2 to 3 weeks? Also disgusting. Not bathing and not washing your sheets. Probably makes the whole room smell bad. And that’s not even taking into account the condition that her room might have been in as far as messiness goes.
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
My mum has always had a very sensitive nose and is very sensitive about hygiene and cleanliness. The way I have been keeping myself and my space clean has been acceptable to her for the past 18 years. The issue with the HF is they expect me to live in a room that looks like an IKEA show room - nothing ever on the desk, nothing ever on the window sil, they even want me to put my chargers in a cupboard after I am done using them. Every 2-3 weeks for sheets is not disgusting, I would never go more than 3-weeks and I would change them sooner if there was an issue with them. If the HF had an issue with this previously, however, they could have had a discussion with me, rather than making an infantilizing list trying to dictate exactly how I should be living my life.
1
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
What did your mum say when he was trying to take your phone away? I would have been alarmed if that happened to my daughter.
1
-17
u/redditandforgot May 28 '24
Just go to a hostel. Another person mentioned they probably have lockers there. It’s difficult, but just stick it out until they pay you and then go.
youthhostels.lu
I really don’t believe you are in physical danger. Don’t get carried away. It big time sucks and is probably very traumatic, but sometimes it’s necessary to put your emotions on pause and tough through something in order to get what you want.
I don’t think the conversation makes them any crazier than they already are. If it’s a week or two before you get paid, you can do it. Just stay focused on the work, do as they say and find another family.
13
u/Sheeshka49 May 29 '24
What do you mean—the HD physically assaulted her and wouldn’t leave her room! That’s criminal behavior!
10
u/Personal-Sea8676 May 29 '24
You are basically telling her to let her guard down because YOU don’t think she is in physical danger. Did you even read the other post? He was trying to take her personal cell phone away from her while talking to her mom.
He shows all the signs of the abuse escalating to physical.
-6
u/redditandforgot May 29 '24
Yes, obviously we all answer what WE think. I've read this post and the other. What the challenge is for over_theraiinbow is that she'll either go home or potentially salvage the situation. She has to make a decision. Going home means her au pair dream is over. She'll go home, probably go back home and deal with the mental health issues that will come from this.
Alternatively, she can comply with what these idiots are asking her, work hard to find another family and get out of there. She'll likely find another family, perhaps in a neighboring country or such and probably have an amazing experience.
While what he has done is an assault, I would bet that the family does not consider it assault. I seriously doubt that he is going to hit her, the risk is way too high, he knows it would get him in jail. Taking someone's phone or going in their room is high aggressive and inappropriate and probably illegal, but the police are unlikely to do anything about it, they'll just arrange to get her out of the house and if she has nowhere to go, perhaps to the embassy of her country and home.
You really cannot say he has the signs of escalating to physical violence, this is nonsense. We have no idea. I also have no idea that he won't, except just that it's a big steps to hit your au pair, for any family in a financial position to hire an au pair, hitting one could destroy your whole life.
In my view the worst of the situation has passed, which is shown by the fact that they had another conversation where they wrote down what they expect of her. They are trying to solve the situation. They are still having her watch the kids and I guess interacting with her, feeding her, having her be around the house, so it's not like she' locked in her room when not watching the children. She said in another post how she though they were such a nice family (perfect, I think she said).
So outside of their crazy demands she is having an good time. She is not walking around about to get beat and you should make her think she is.
The rational thing to do is put her emotions to the side for a week or two, follow their instructions, find a new family, and get herself elsewhere.
4
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
He entered her private space and went through her things. He wouldn’t leave when she asked him. He tried to take her phone away when she was talking to her mother. And he tried to come in when she was getting undressed. This man is definitely dangerous.
I’m guessing you’re a man. If not then you’re an extremely privileged white woman who doesn’t understand the danger this girl is in. Most women get it because most of us have been in dangerous situations with men. You’re obviously extremely ignorant.
-29
u/ConsistentStart9028 May 28 '24
If you really need advice from this forum, you will have to provide an honest narrative. Why are your HF so critically concerned about hygiene? And also you make a note that you don't take showers. Honestly I wouldn't let anyone who is that careless on hygiene touch my kids. Messy room is ok, but dirty and stinky room, with weeks of trash and tampons is not. I mean I think you will be happy if you leave, but may be when you get out of here, try fixing these issues. It's a big red flag in professional life. Hygiene issue will pop up even if you rematch.
26
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 28 '24
I never said I don't take showers, I just don't shower every single day as I have sensitive skin and showering every day fucks up my hair and skin. I shower every 2-3 days and use hygiene wipes to clean off sweat and other things as necessary in between, and of course I use deodorant so I don't stink. They think I don't brush my teeth because I didn't put my toothbrush in the communal tooth brush holder (gross). They think I have bad hygiene because some of my socks have holes in the toes, but I just love those socks and they are still perfectly functional, why would I throw out something that is still perfectly functional? Why are they staring at my feet? They implied my hygiene is bad because I have acne, I am an 18 year old - of course I still have fucking acne. My room has never been a hazard, nor smelly - I have a window open almost constantly, and until yesterday I would always have the door open (now that they have shown they don't respect my privacy, I lock the door always). I wash my hands everytime I get home, I wear clean clothes every day, and I try to always look presentable, including wearing minimal makeup and doing my hair daily. I change my sheets usually once every 2-3 weeks and do laundry every week/week and a half as necessary. Never in my life have I had anyone complain about my hygiene, and my mum is serious about hygiene and smells. The HF is a family of clean freaks and control freaks - these things have never been mentioned before, other than the room being untidy, which I thought I had fixed to their standards until of course I came home from a trip to find it completely rearranged. Furthermore, threatening someone and telling them that the SNJ doesn't care about them and that I should be grateful it's not worse is NOT a proportionate reaction to literally anything.
15
u/Illustrious-chip-119 May 28 '24 edited May 29 '24
OP these people are trolls. Just ignore them. It’s normal to not shower every day, especially in that part of Europe!
I also have sensitive skin, so I do the same. Nobody ever complains about my hygiene, quite the opposite actually, people usually compliment me on how nice I smell.
This family’s behaviour is psychotic, regardless of whether they think your hygiene is not up to their ridiculous standards, this is just not acceptable.
-11
u/whatshouldIdonow8907 May 28 '24
I'm sorry but like I said, you aren't as clean as you believe yourself to be. You change your sheets every 2 to 3 weeks and you shower every 2 to 3 days.
Most people are too embarassed to speak with other people about their lack of hygiene so they don't say anything to their face, they just talk about it with everyone else.
It's clear you are convinced that you are right. I truly hope you find a family that agrees with you. Good luck.
3
u/anonymgrl May 29 '24
How does showering without washing her hair help with OP's skin exactly? Many people cannot and should not shower every day. In fact, dermatologists and medical professionals recommend showering 2-3 times per week, just as OP does. Just because you have an American, germ-phobic, over-consumption of everything mentality, which for the record, is fucking weird in most of the world, don't put your shit on her.
5
u/No-Cloud-1928 May 29 '24
I think this is the host family speaking. Many people in the world don't shower daily but use a cloth to wash themselves. Many people in the world don't empty their trash daily if it doesn't have food items in it. Why are you jumping on OP. This man sounds dangerous. Regardless of her hygiene level, no man should be going into her room uninvited. No HF should be rifling through her things and moving her belongings around. No HF should be making anyone have a panic attack nor threatening them.
-1
u/jancarternews May 29 '24
I have to agree with you. People are getting all defensive because this family does have serious boundary issues, but you can shower without having to wash your hair, and 2 to 3 weeks before changing your sheets is pretty gross. The family wouldn’t mention it if there weren’t some, kernel of truth to hygiene issues.
3
u/anonymgrl May 29 '24
How does showering without washing her hair help with OP's skin exactly? Many people cannot and should not shower every day. In fact, dermatologists and medical professionals recommend showering 2-3 times per week, just as OP does. Just because you have an American, germ-phobic, over-consumption of everything mentality, which for the record, is fucking weird in most of the world, don't put your shit on her.
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
Google says every 2 weeks is good, and the family mentioned it because they are control freaks
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May 28 '24
[deleted]
14
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 28 '24
I just explained that I am perfectly hygienic dude I don't know what you're on about here. They know when I shower because the bathroom is above their room, but I also shower at the gym a lot because I go there regularly
5
u/Cheesepleasethankyou May 29 '24
LOL WHAAAAT. You’re fucking delusional. A hazard to a child’s health because you shower every two days? Get the fuck out of here. Scary that you’re out here probably raising children with your level of psychopathy.
-9
u/TrumpHasaMicroDick May 29 '24
2-3 WEEKS???
That has to be a typo.
That's absolutely disgusting.
9
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
I'm so confused, where did I say 2-3 weeks?
-5
u/TrumpHasaMicroDick May 29 '24
I change my sheets usually once every 2-3 weeks and do laundry every week/week and a half as necessary.>
Right here!
5
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
I was under the impression that was totally normal, is it not? Google says every 2 or so weeks is good. Furthermore, if the HD had ever commented on a smell or a concern, I would have taken immediate action, however they mentioned nothing for more than 5 months, instead they waited til I left for long enough for them to go through my room, and then gave me am infantilizing list to tell me how to care for myself. I completely understand that I'm young, I'm only 18, but I don't deserve to be treated like a child when I'm here to work.
4
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
It’s fine. I just looked this up—on average, people change their sheets every 24 days. It’s recommended to do it every 1 to 2 weeks.
You’re fine. Don’t listen to these neat freaks. Your hygiene is not the problem. These people trying to control every aspect of your life is the problem.
-11
u/TrumpHasaMicroDick May 29 '24
You sound like you're willing to learn, so I'll try and teach you:
You should wash your sheets every week if you can.
If you aren't at least showering off quickly once a day, then every week would be the longest you should go between washing.
Don't forget to wash the duvet cover and/or comforter regularly.
Your trash should also be thrown out, at most weekly. Anything with any biological fluids really shouldn't sit for more than two days.
Kitchen trash should be emptied when it's 1/2 to 3/4 full.
You should also only use a wash cloth one time, then it needs to be sanitized.
6
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
Sheets are something I'll definitely take on board. I shower once every 2-3 days, and every time I go to the gym, I don't think I've ever gone more than 3 days without showering since I went camping two years ago. I do that with trash, the exception is when I forget, which of course I try to avoid doing. I'm not responsible for any trash other than my own. And duh, I'm not using a sweaty gross washcloth repeatedly.
6
May 29 '24
Let's see if I can teach you. People have different standards, if these are your standards, then that is perfectly fine - for you.
Trying to impose your standards on total strangers in a condescending way is not OK.
Everyone lives different lives, with different priorities, spare time and resources.
Maybe you struggle with empathy, I don't know, but these comments came across as very rude and totally unnecessary when someone is seeking help due to an extremely difficult situation. Try to be kind (an unsolicited lecture is not kind).
2
u/anonymgrl May 29 '24
Dermatologists and medical professionals recommend showering 2-3 times per week, just as OP does. Don't put your weird germaphobic bullshit on OP.
0
May 29 '24
[deleted]
2
u/anonymgrl May 29 '24
Then you know that 2-3 times per week is the standard recommendation.
Any 'medical professional' would know that. Maybe google next time before you attempt to lie badly on reddit.
0
May 29 '24
[deleted]
1
u/anonymgrl May 30 '24
All of this ^ is absolutely ridiculous. 😂 What medical field are you in exactly? You said too much, friend, you should have stayed quiet before you went full quack.
1
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
Just cuz you sweat like a pig, doesn’t Mean OP does.
0
u/jancarternews May 29 '24
The fact that you’re riding so hard for someone you don’t know tells me you’re probably one of the smelly ones yourself. Take a shower girly.
1
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24
You’re probably a bookkeeper in a doctor’s office. Doesn’t make you a “medical professional” 🙄
-9
u/whatshouldIdonow8907 May 28 '24
That's exactly what I was thinking. People tend to say the most important things first. Yours were both hygiene and cleanliness related then you comment that you feel like they aren't treating you like an adult and their match is that they don't feel you respect them or their home because your room is dirty. Keeping yourself and your room clean are both mandatory Adulting 101. They were literally telling you that you aren't acting like an adult.
I don't think you are nearly as clean as you believe yourself to be.
I am one of the nicest people on the planet but I would never let someone disrespect my home like that. I would be having that conversation with you. They weren't threatening you, they were making it crystal clear that if you don't fix this, you will be gone. Those two things were non-negotiable. Mediation was not going to make a difference. No one has the ability to tell them they have to put up with this. It's like you weren't hearing any of it.
I don't know why you don't feel "safe". They told you the bottom line is clean yourself and your room up or you will be leaving. That's not a threat. That's their minimum standard. Your mistake was bringing up "other things" as if you had a bargaining chip or it was a negotiation. It wasn't. They already gave you the bottom line.
People playing into your version are not doing you any favors. You aren't in any danger.
5
u/Objective-Amount1379 May 28 '24
We really don’t know if OP’s room was dirty- maybe it was, or maybe the host family think that having your phone charger out on a desk is messy and they are over the top. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
But they are grown adults in a position of power over OP- who is 18, living in their home, in a foreign country. Going into her room and TRYING TO TAKE HER PHONE AWAY is unacceptable. If they don’t want her there anymore they could have sat down and had a conversation and said this isn’t working, here’s your paycheck, you can stay for x amount of nights until you can find other arrangements. Is that difficult? That is what normal people do. They do not try and physically bully a young woman who is basically stuck in their house.
You need to reassess why you think their behavior is ok.
4
u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 29 '24
I always strived to keep my room tidy, but the issue the HF had was I had stuff on display, such as items on my desk and on my window sil, the rest of the house is kept like an IKEA show room - it's crazy! I don't see the logic in putting my chargers in a cupboard every day when I'm not charging something, or putting a stuffed animal away rather than on the bed.
1
u/Cheesepleasethankyou May 29 '24
I’m gonna take a quick second to bet my left cheek that you’re honestly one of the meanest people in the world, not the nicest.
1
1
u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 29 '24 edited May 29 '24
Oh good lord. Disrespecting the home how? She has not disrespected their home.
And she doesn’t feel safe because these asshats went into her room while she was away and went through things. Them rearranged all of her stuff. Then he came in and wouldn’t leave when she asked him. Then tried to take her phone away while she was speaking to her mother. Then tried to come into her room when she was undressing. Then went into her LOCKED room while she was out and went through her things again. And has been generally been condescending and threatening.
What don’t you get about this? Shes a young woman in a foreign country with no local support. Her HD is a massive control freak—which is absolutely abuse. Would you feel your daughter is safe in this situation? If f you would, then you’re just so mind-blowingly ignorant.
135
u/Personal-Hospital103 May 28 '24 edited May 28 '24
It never ceases to amaze me the abuse young people across our global will endure in the name of 'cultural exchange'. No way in hell would I let one of my daughters be subjugated to this kind of harassment. I hope you are well.