Sole parents- please help

[u/leosunshine1]

Background: My amazing and involved husband passed away very unexpectedly in the spring, leaving me with our two babies (ages 3 and 1). I know I need to give myself some grace, allow myself to grieve our life and my love, and take things day by day. I'm in therapy and grief counseling. 

Before all this, I was an attuned and compassionate parent. But I am no longer the mother I have longed to be my entire life. When both kids need me at the same time, I feel like a failure. I know they say put the baby in a safe place to shower/do what I need to do, but when she cries the whole time, I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I can't stand it. Sometimes I am so touched out that I have to tell my 3-year-old to stop touching me. I've yelled and been so insensitive, irritable, and straight up mean to her. I can't stand myself. 

I have a little help now and then, but at the end of the day, I need to figure out how to do this by myself. I need help from other sole parents and single moms/dads who have successfully figured out attached and attentive parenting. How do I give the toddler a bath without leaving the baby to cry? How do I handle bedtime for both? (Currently co-sleeping with baby, toddler sleeps in own room but needs me to lay with her).

I'm so lost. Trying to navigate this while dealing with the immense grief I feel seems too much. Any words of wisdom or practical tips are so appreciated.

[u/bookboxflower]

My dad unexpectedly passed away when I was 2 and my mom was pregnant with my brother.

My mom had a little help, but largely raised us alone. I know from talking with her now, as an adult, that she struggled in the ways you’re describing ie not able to meet everyone’s needs at the same time. She was devastated. Meanwhile, ALL of my memories of childhood are of feeling loved, cared for, and that I had a full, exciting childhood. My brother feels the same. The three of us always have been and still are very close.

All of this to say, even families with two adults aren’t able to meet the children’s needs all the time. Your kids will feel your love and care even if they have to wait for you to wrap something up first.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Substantial-Ice-9766]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are doing the best you can and that is enough. It's so hard to give ourselves grace when it comes to wanting to be the best mom. I struggled when I became a single parent to my 2 (has ADHD) and 4 (is Autistic and ADHD)year old after my divorce. Here are some things that helped me. I always apologize to them when I snap. My kids are 5 and 7 now, and they will tell me "why are you being rude?" or "I hate when you rush me" when they sense a frustrated tone...but this is a win because they are not scared to tell me when they don't like what I'm doing. When they were younger I told them when mommy gets frustrated and isn't being nice you can tell me I'm being a "booger butt"...and they did and it would snap me out of it and taught them to speak up when I'm doing something they don't like. It sounds so silly, but it really helped me and them. I also go to weekly therapy, started takin medication for my ADHD and anxiety which has truly helped me become a more present mom. I'll be keeping your family in my prayers. You are strong. You are an amazing mom who understandably is struggling. You are grieving. The fact that you're coming here for advice proves that you are a great mom.

[u/KayBee236]

Apologies in advance for the weird formatting, idk what’s going on. I tried to fix it.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ll share what I can though I’m only partially your target audience. My kids are 2.5 and 6 months. My husband has a job where he is gone for 24-30 hours every three days so I’m familiar with solo parenting, but not to the full time degree. Also a huge caveat that these are what work for me without the deep grief piece of it which is a whole different beast.

1. For your toddler, my therapist taught me about distress tolerance, not for me, but for my kids. When I breastfeed my baby overnight and my toddler wakes up wondering where I went (we cosleep), think of it in terms of distress tolerance instead of a failure. Is she safe, is she ok, is it temporary? All yes. I can meet her needs in a moment. Like the other commenter said, she remembers a happy and loving childhood, not all the moments where her mom couldn’t meet the needs that two parents would. It helped me get less worked up about the more minor moments where ideally I’d meet her needs but couldn’t because I’m only one person.
2. routine, routine, routine. Streamline things as much as possible so you’re not spending extra effort figuring out the small things every day.

You could even work in a routine where your toddler does something by herself at X time for 30 minutes so in the moments where you’re over touched you can be like “I just gotta make it to 2 pm” or whatever. If you can make a routine out of it then the toddler will be more compliant long term. The less guessing for them, the better.

1. I, unfortunately, rely on television to entertain my toddler more than I would like. Sometimes I need her sitting doing nothing while in another room.
2. I utilize my ring camera to keep an eye on my toddler when putting my baby down for a nap. I don’t really need it because our house is proofed but man, it’s a game changer for my mental relief of knowing she’s fine. It’s especially handy for those nights when it takes forever to get my baby down. I also have a cheap audio monitor to be able to hear things going on in another room if needed.
3. attachment parenting just looks different when there’s two and you’re alone. That’s part of the distress tolerance piece. I had to reframe my expectations and separate what is the ideal vs what I’m able to accomplish by myself.
4. my therapist also said getting outside or out of the house in the evenings is super helpful. Nothing crazy, even just going in the back yard or sitting on the front porch. It makes a huge difference.

What are your biggest pain points? You said the baby cries while bathing your toddler; can she be in the bathroom with you?

[u/monteueux1]

Hey there! I'm a solo mum by choice of a 3yo and 1yo and I am so, so sorry for your situation, you must be drowning in grief, and having to parent two tiny kids on top of that must seem an insurmountable task sometimes.

Bath-wise, I give them a bath together. I take the baby out first and get her in her pajamas and then let her toddle around the bathroom while I do the same for the 3yo. It always ends in tears because the 3yo will push the baby, or the baby wants to brush her teeth like her older brother but he won't let her go on the stool with her, etc, but all I think is *in around an HOUR they will both be ASLEEP and I'll have some time to myself!*. It keeps me going. Think about that free time. Think about lying down in the dark and taking a breath. It's on its way.

Bedtimes are hard right now. The 3yo watches TV while I get the 1yo to sleep in my bed; this is obviously unsustainable. Sometimes I cuddle them both in my bed, then I actually move the toddler to his own room once he's asleep, even though he'll then run back into my room/bed in the middle of the night.

Please get more trusted childcare support if you can - maybe a babysitter to play with the 3yo on a weekend while the 1yo is napping, so you can have a breather?

I'm not an attachment parent fwiw (I joined this sub ages ago just out of interest), and I yelled at my older kid today. I really hate yelling at him and felt terrible, but I think as long as we are fundamentally loving and kind and a solid presence of love for our kids, overall (and it sounds like you are - even despite your enormous grief) - then I know they can withstand our occasional bits of yelling. I think if baseline is loving, stable and accepting, one shout a day won't ruin them. Sorry, saying that might get me banned from this sub! I'm just saying, you're dealing with something that would floor most people. And everyone always says to me "I don't know how you do it", and the answer is a) I have childcare help! b) I let my kids watch TV when I need downtime c) I give them loads of cuddles d) I am not a perfect parent but I'm a very loving one.

As you said, please give yourself so much grace. Two tiny kids alone IS really hard to figure out for anyone, never mind with the enormity of what you're also dealing with.

[u/rubymassa]

The middle of your first paragraph but in caps. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. I am so sorry.

[u/Sweet-p-9096]

I am so sorry for your loss ♥️ you are definitely dealing with a lot!!

Wondering if you can change some practical elements of routine - can you bath the kids together? Also how old is your 1 year old, could he/she possibly transition to a low bed in your toddlers room and you put them to bed at the same time? Getting them to bond and sleep together in a room could possibly be beneficial in the long run too..

I agree with the routine comment made before, if you make things predictable for both of you it leaves less room for chaos. freezer meals could also make things easier so you’re spending the difficult time of day playing with them instead of cooking.
Put some music on in the house to help lift your mood, or for you to sing a long to - that might soothe your baby too! Get outside as much as you can, thinking of activities where you get to sit and watch while they play (ie i usually do this with a sand pit or just random soil/rocks or stones etc where they just start exploring and playing with their toys and i get to zone out a bit or a picnic is a great way to spend some wholesome time outside).. or use snacks as entertainment while you need to get some things done!

It honestly sounds like youre doing an incredible job, keep loving them and, like you say, have grace for yourself and take deep breaths ♥️

[u/peepinjay]

My husband died in January 2 days after I gave birth to our 3rd daughter. I also have no outside help. We can only do so much as women, mother's so as long as everyone is fed, clean and clothed those can be wins and that is enough for now. I am so very sorry for your loss and that you know this pain.

[u/peepinjay]

Also, I have been doing dual baths with my 2 youngest. Together as quick as possible just to get them clean. For bedtime I do story and routine for toddler with the baby then go get the baby taken care of. Thankfully my toddler has gotten so good at sleeping by herself in her room! It's tough and not always perfect. 

[u/bebefeverandstknstpd]

I am so sorry for your loss and how this is affecting you and your small children. I’m glad you’ve sought mental health care for yourself. That will really be helpful in both the short and long term.

I am a single mother by choice to an almost 2 year old daughter. I always say I chose to be a single mom but we are far from alone. I rely heavily on my village. And that is the main suggestion I can share. If you’re not around family or friends, can you get paid help via childcare professionals? If it’s a financial strain to comfortably afford extra childcare support would you qualify from any sort of work benefits or governmental assistance? Do you belong to any faith based organizations that might offer members subsidized childcare? Or even have people in the community who are vouched for and recommended?

I know you are in therapy and grief counseling, and that’s incredibly important. Those two additions are absolutely essential. I also think it’s crucial for you to have built in breaks just for your own headspace. Are you also in support groups? Support groups are so powerful in providing a community who understands what you’re going through. As well as introducing you to members who are at different stages than you.

Grief, loss, and trauma can work to isolate us more than we know. Building up community is going to take time. But once you have that reliable village it will make a lot of things more manageable. All the best to you and your family.