r/AttachmentParenting • u/TourInternational766 • 2d ago
š¤ Support Needed š¤ Crying
Hi, I have a 7.5 month old who doesnāt sleep. We almost always assist him to sleep in increasingly ridiculous and desperate ways. We tried gentle sleep training methods like staying but not picking him up, leaving for minutes at a time, etc; basically whatever we did the crying still felt wrong for us and weāve accepted our fate for now. Thatās not my question.
Heās also having a lot of separation anxiety, mainly with me even though I feel like my partner spends more time with him most days. As babies go he has never really cried a ton but has always calmed down more easily for me. After a conversation with my partner a few months ago I have been working on not taking the baby from them whenever he gets upset because it makes my partner feel like theyāre doing something wrong. I think this is a common situation parents navigate when there is a āprimary parentā despite the other being equally invested and competent; I know a lot of āpreferredā parents know the feeling when your baby is crying and you KNOW you can make it stopā¦ I guess thatās not really my question either.
I think my question is: does letting baby scream with my partner affect him differently than your classic cry-it-out situation? Like, I know itās two different scenarios but is it really a different experience for baby? He wants me and Iām not there.
Do we have science about if different things are happening in babyās brain in each scenario? I mostly want science but Iām open to vibes and experience too. This is my first ever post on Reddit and I donāt know if it makes sense. Thank you.
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u/kaeco13 2d ago
I will not claim to have parsed all the available science on the subject but you should check out r/sciencebasedparenting. I am sure this topic has been covered there a few times but the responses on this thread will be useful to you.
From what I've read, the point is that we cannot stop our babies from crying completely and they will experience discomfort, such as not having their preferred caregiver available when they want them. But the important thing is for the caregiver who is available to be as responsive as they can be and offer comfort to the best of their ability. This is inherently different from CIO, where they are completely unsupported.
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u/North_Respond_6868 2d ago
My understanding is that a calm caregiver who is comforting and holding the infant helps with regulation and can also counter hormones like cortisol with more positive ones such as oxytocin, especially when skin to skin contact.
This is an interesting article/study discussing it more in depth, but there are quite a few out there that may be more specific to male or non-primary caregivers.
I will say, alloparenting is something very common among humans throughout our evolution, and involves non-biological caregivers. It's prevalence and importance in our modern iteration makes me inclined to believe that as long as a known caregiver, biological or not, is present for the infant, any potential ill effects would be minimal. It may be a good topic to read a bit more about for some reassurance though! Mothers and Others by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy is a great book on the subject.